kindergarten graduations...

This weekend we went to my niece's kindergarten graduation. Little did I know that I should have brought a box of Kleenex with me(oy!). They put on an end of the year concert and, well, let me just say that my auntie-heart was nearly BURSTING with love. Both my niece and nephew started Montessori school at the age of 2--and, while not many people celebrate the completion of kindergarten, I'm tellin' ya: a good (worthwhile and meaningful) education is worth celebrating. But hey, they celebrate half birthdays too--what can I say?!

I spent the entire first half of the program in tears. I am so proud of my niece, Ara, for who she has already become in her short 6 years of existence on this earth. I don't know what happened...but she walked out onto the stage with all of those other kids and I was just absolutely overtaken by such a huge bout of love that I didn't know what to do with it! My sister was sitting in the seat in front of me; I tapped her on the shoulder and, with big tears blurring my eyes, whispered: "Oh my god! I love her so much and she's not even mine!"

One of the biggest reasons that we moved to this city was to be closer to my niece and nephew while they are still young--and, every day, I am thankful for that decision. Sometimes V. tells me with a funny smile that I am totally over-emotional. I prefer to think that I love deeply. Sometimes that love scares me. I mean, my god, it reaches into my very core! How does that happen? When does love like that begin? Filaments of emotion strung so deeply that there could never be an end. This kind of love--it is such a strange and mysterious thing.

My niece, Ara.

And some more photos from the evening:

Preethy--the Montessori's founder and school principle--
such a beautiful woman, both inside and out.

Madame Montessori,
You have very truly remarked that if we are to reach real peace in this world, and if we are to carry on a real war against war, we shall have to begin with children and if they will grow up in their natural innocence, we won't have to struggle, we won't have to pass fruitless idle resolutions, but we shall go from love to love and peace to peace, until at last all the corners of the world are covered with that peace and love for which, consciously or unconsciously, the whole world is hungering. ~Mahatma Gandhi, 1943

You should have seen the boy in the black bibs sing!
Oh, I've never smiled so hard in my life!

world peace please.

If there is to be peace in the world, there must be peace in the nations. If there is to be peace in the nations, there must be peace in the cities. If there is to be peace in the cities, there must be peace between neighbors. If there is to be peace between neighbors, there must be peace in the home. If there is to be peace in the home, there must be peace in the heart. ~Lao Tzu (570-490 B.C.)

The power of song.

Ara reciting a quote by John Lennon (flawlessly!). :)

All we are saying is give peace a chance. Imagine all of the people living life in peace. You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. I hope someday you'll join us, and the world will live as one. ~John Lennon.

There is something to be said for the innocence of childhood. To love so purely, to sing and dance and laugh with such abandonment--perhaps it is the young ones who are the true teachers of the world.

They were all so beautiful--each and every one of them.

I love you, Ara.

brief musing.

I am so tired that I can barely think, but it just dawned on me that I haven't even picked up my journal in an entire week. That's just not right.

stress relief.

ok...I promise I won't post photos of the puppy every day--but maybe not. I mean, really, how could I not share moments like these? This photo was taken about a half an hour ago, but don't let him fool you. He is now awake and chewing on my slippers! (and the rug and the cat and the table and...)

Anyway, it's been another eventful evening. You know that "new" car we got? Well, it was a dud and we had to bring it back. Why do these things always happen after you drive it off of the lot??? Well a whole bunch of stress later and we've decided to upgrade to a newer car with a lot less miles, a longer warranty, and (the best part)--the same payment!

I'd go into the details, but I think it would bore you to tears. We almost got royally screwed but all that matters is that, in the end, Vinny and I ended up getting a practically brand-new car for the same monthly payments as the original car that was older and already had a lot of miles on it. This is a good example of the way that problems are sometimes blessings in disguise. Now all I need to do is incorporate this way of thinking into a few other areas of my life!

Needless to say, Louis was VERY happy to see us after having his schedule rearranged. Geesh! I swear, he is the sweetest, most sensitive little puppy I have ever met. Not to mention, no matter how much stress my day involves, he is always the perfect cure. Definitely. I am just trying to soak in as much of his puppiness as possible. Did you know that he has DOUBLED in size in just the past few days?! We should have named him "Dandelion" or "Zucchini" or "Miracle Grow" or something. I mean, seriously... it is truly amazing.


ps.
I just want to say thank you for all of your really wonderful comments on my last post. I appreciate them--beyond words.

i promised myself i wouldn't write about my thesis anymore, but this is where my life is at right now.

I am frustrated with myself today. I had the day off and it turned out to be a perfectly warm "summer" day. My husband also had the day off and, get this, we FINALLY got a new (well, new used) car!!! I should be excited (and I am), but I spent most of the day being frustrated and stressed out because the whole car shopping and purchasing thing took pretty much the entire day. Rather then enjoying the fact that we were in the process of getting something that I've wanted for a very long time, the only thing I could think about was the time I was losing out on to work on my thesis. Yes, I ruined a perfectly wonderful day because of the endlessness of this project. I only get ONE day a week to really work on it and the past THREE WEEKS I have not gotten to do so because my (very scarce) time has been interrupted and interrupted and interrupted.

I sort of feel like just sitting down in a heap and crying because I'm sick of every last detail in my life revolving around this THING that I am not accomplishing. I look out the window and see our shiny black automobile glowing in the light of the street lamp and it restores a little of my happiness. But then I get cranky again because I know that I won't really get to drive it much anyway. I work and then I feel like I should be at home trying to write. I can't tell you how much I crave freedom in my life right now. Even just a little.

But this is why I'm glad we finally got another car. Despite my frustrations in not getting any work done today, this car is what will afford me certain freedoms that I have not had in way too long...like TIME ALONE. Working more has made me realize just how important it is that I have some breathing space--even if only an hour here or there. I want to be able to do something on my own schedule and I don't want to have to explain when, where, and why in order to do it.

Really, when it comes down to it, I think I might just be a little bit mad at myself for ruining what could have been a good day. Vinny is happy that he found a car that he likes. I am happy that we are in complete agreement. I am also happy that I can actually go somewhere without having to spend half of the day walking, riding my bike, or taking the bus to do so.

It's just that I'm starting to think that my thesis is never going to get done and it is beginning to drain the joy out of everything!

Complaints aside, there is a deep part of me that is amazed by the things that have come about through the Finding Water experience. You see, 12 weeks ago I started thinking about the way I wanted my life to be. I started making lists and writing out my desires. Then I started putting my energy into materializing those things. And in the last 3 months I have:

1. started making more money (through an altered work situation).
2. got a puppy (the one I have been waiting two years for!).
3. got a car (something we've wanted but have been inconveniently living without for the past year).

There are only 2 more things on my list right now--but for some reason "finish my thesis" has never consciously become a part of that list. In my Morning Pages I have written about my desire to finish my thesis EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. since I started Finding Water. Actually, it is the topic of nearly every page. I truly believe that if I want something, I can make it happen. So why can't I make my thesis happen? Did I lose belief in myself? Have I ever truly believe in myself when it came to this project?

At this point, what's one more lost day? This "not producing" is wearing me thin and brittle. So here's the deal: Tomorrow I'm going to take my big dog and my little dog for a ride in our shiny new ride before work. I'll open the sunroof and the windows and I'm going to just drive and drive and breath deep. And right now? Despite the late hour, I'm going to stay up and work on my thesis. The day is not completely lost yet. There are enough things in my life right now to make me happy. I am tired of my thesis getting in the way.

Love.

night time in the city under a deep blue sky with purple clouds.

Tonight I sat under a sky of dark delphinium blue pinpricked with bright glowing stars and traveling lavender clouds. These days I spend a lot of time sitting out on the front steps with the pup--both day and night. I have never spent much time there, but because little Louis came home from the shelter with a virus, we've had to keep the dogs separated--at least until he's better. And I'm learning new things under these conditions. Little things. It's much darker in the front yard and looks towards only woods--there, in the woods, where night truly comes alive: the frogs, the wind, the strange shadows. My small world turns to velvet and dew drops. An owl announces his place on a broken tree limb. Leaves rustle. The puppy sighs. To the north, a not-so-far-away siren splits the air.

And I realize now how much I have missed the night. Later, once the puppy falls asleep in the crook of the couch, I go out again--this time with my wolfie. We walk down dark streets and it is a long time before we turn back for home.

notes on a wednesday

These days, every time I write something new for my blog I feel as though I am writing on luxuriously stolen time. I just came home from work at the garden shop where it was hot and busy. I'm a little sunburned and whole lot tired, but I feel good. The puppy is sound asleep in the next room and Vinny will be back home with a pizza from the neighborhood pizza joint any minute. At the moment I am even enjoying a beer. When was the last time I had one of those? So long that I don't even remember--but, my god, it tastes good!

I thought I had something more interesting to say, but maybe not. Mostly I just wanted to revel in the experience of feeling good and hopefully pass it on to you.

:)

transformations

Ok, I've just returned from very lovely visits at Leah's and Elizabeth's blogs and saw that they did the Finding Water Divining Rod from page 243-244. I know that I invited everyone to spend some time with this one, but I hadn't actually sat down to answer the questions one by one. I wrote abstractly about my thoughts both in my journal and in a couple of blog posts.
There's something to be said for formulating your thoughts into language. I believe that it is a deeper form of understanding.

So here it is:

Have you reorganized your living space?
Yes! Oh my gosh, I hadn't really realized that I had done this during our Finding Water adventure, but I rearranged almost the ENTIRE house! It started with rearranging my writing room. The fresh perspective has been good for me.

Have you thrown anything away?
I hauled several big garbage bags from the basement (which is also the space that acts as my art studio). I got pretty haphazard and overzealous in my mess-making this past winter while doing artwork for the bookstore. It felt good to get it cleaned up. I even mopped the floors and reorganized some of the shelves! But, oh my...I have SO MUCH MORE TO DO! I have declared the basement to be one of my summer projects. My studio space deserves to be so much more than it is!

Has your color sense shifted?
I find myself really attracted to blue and green these days. I am normally a warm color palette sort of girl...so blues and greens are a whole new world for me. Rather watery, wouldn't ya say?

Has your relationship to music shifted?
Um...I named my puppy after Louis Armstrong. And oh-so-long ago I named my old black cat after Cat Steven's song "Moonshadow." I have always had a deep love of music, but a few years ago it sort of fell out of my life. I don't know exactly when or how it happened, but it has returned in full force. A couple of months ago I even moved the stereo into my writing room. The sound is so much better than these stupid computer speakers. I love it!

Do you find yourself being more plainspoken?
Like Elizabeth, I've been trying to not say sorry so often out of habit. Having started 2 new jobs in the past year I found myself saying "sorry" a lot--usually because I was learning something new and felt stupid for not already magically knowing how to do everything. But then I kept hearing myself say it all the time and started to get annoyed with myself.

Also, both of my jobs are very laid back and allow for many conversational opportunities. Finding Water has helped me to be more myself--and my jobs have been conducive to putting what I've learned into action.

Have there been any shifts in your intimate relationship?
Yes--my relationship with my husband just keeps getting better and better. Through Finding Water I've started thinking in new ways and, as a result, Vinny and I have found that our dreams and talents work well together. In some ways we are very different--but we compliment each other well. Business-wise and relationship-wise, this has been good for both of us. It is fun to be working together once again.

Have you experienced any difference in your energy?
Yes! Working outside at the garden shop has done wonders for me. At first I was going to say that this had nothing to do with the Finding Water journey. But then I remembered what I kept writing over and over in the first couple of weeks: I wanted a new work situation! And I got it--immediately. Sun, fresh air, and lots of exercise has done wonders for my energy level, not to mention my outlook!

Have you experienced any weight gain or loss?
Well, barely. At the beginning of Finding Water I got really serious about losing some weight. I lost 5 pounds, but then sort of fell off the wagon, so to speak. I feel like I'm in good physical condition. I am strong and happy. But I could definitely lose another 10-15 pounds. I lost my sense of discipline when I started back at the garden shop. I have, however, continued to eat much healthier--and that in itself counts for a lot.

Have you relinquished--or seriously thought about relinquishing--any other "bad" habit?
Err-ummm, no. Does attempting to quiet my inner critic count?

Are you conscious of having more choices in your daily life?
Oh my gosh--YES!!! I feel like I am starting over with EVERYTHING! Even though my past has contained many eccentrically wild adventures, I always thought my life would turn out in certain ways, that I was headed in a particular direction. It turns out that my life path is something of a forest--with experiences leading in many directions. I will always have my core desires--but I am starting to appreciate all of the surprise opportunities I am finding along the way.

Has your relationship to a Higher Power altered?
To be honest, I got a little sick of the "God" talk. I'm sorry if this offends anyone because that is not my intention at all. Everyone talks about God differently--and I guess you could say that Julia's language felt a bit weird to me. It's not that I don't believe in a Higher Power, but the title, "God," is sometimes awkward for me (blame it on Catholic school). I don't have a word for this Incredible Thing that Connects us--and I don't feel the need for one. Nonetheless, I have appreciated the spiritual aspect of the book. My life feels more balanced because of it. As I wrote about in my last post, I especially am drawn to the thought of how my talents can be of service to others. That alone makes me feel connected in a way that I didn't before.

Are you more comfortable with your spirituality?
Yes. I sense it even in the trees.

What other changes do I envision for my future?
Through this Finding Water journey I have been reminded that the things I most desire will find their way into my life if I just believe in myself and put my energy into it. I remember now: "Oh yeah! ANYTHING is possible!" I feel it happening right now. My life is opening up in all of the ways I was hoping it would. This amazes me beyond words.

{Checking In} Week 11 of Finding Water

Oh, to be sitting here right now typing feels like such a luxury. I know I probably sound like the crazy dog-lady (and, it's true, I am), but my world has been totally consumed by the new four-legged bundle of piss and joy that has entered our lives. I am completely love-struck. I am smitten for all 15 pounds of fur that follows me around everywhere that I go. Needless to say, even making coffee has become difficult. I mean, if he's sleeping I don't want to wake him up with the loud sound of the coffee grinder. And if he's awake then, well, I'm usually occupied. It hasn't even been a week and, already, he has me wrapped around his little puppy finger.

At the moment Daddy-O (aka Vinny) has relieved me from my duties and has replaced me on the couch where the two of them are curled up together and sleeping. There was never a more luscious site.

Oh yeah...but this is supposed to be my Finding Water check-in isn't it! Sorry. I fear that every word out of my mouth (or my fingertips) is going to be about dogs. It is ALL I have been thinking about lately!

I set out on Week 11 with great intentions of being a DISCIPLINED WRITER. Things started out well. I sat down at the computer every day and was actually accomplishing something. But then Louis the puppy happened and my self-discipline went straight down the tubes. I look forward to someday NOT being a student (if I can even call myself a student) and being able to live my life with just a little less guilt. Or maybe that guilt has already been too deeply ingrained into my brain. Maybe there's no going back. But, I'll tell you, I am sorely tired of always (ALWAYS!) having something hanging over my head. Thesis, thesis, thesis. I know--you must be tired of me writing about it. The thing is that I just can't seem to get it out of my thoughts until I get it out of the way. So why haven't I finished the damn thing yet you're wondering? Well, let's not even bother going there today. The important thing is that--despite my beautiful, time-consuming puppy--I still feel the need to move forward and finish this thing.

I feel torn between hanging out with this chapter, "Week 11: Uncovering a Sense of Discipline," for another week, and moving on so that I can finish the book with the group. I feel like there are some things that I could gain from doing that I haven't yet had time to do. I still want to spend some time with the Divining Rods including the one on page 233-234: considering some of the ways in which my writing (and my art) can be of service to others. Finishing my thesis has been about ME, ME, ME. I'm sick of doing things for me.

Ever since starting the Finding Water journey, I've been using a fortune from a fortune cookie as my bookmark. It reads:

"Use your talents.
That's what they are intended for."

Over the course of the past 11 weeks I have noticed a transformation in my approach to art and writing. Before, I spent a lot of energy trying to perfect my work (both in writing and painting). I wanted to do well in my endeavors. It was also important to me that I be able to express or convey my thoughts and emotions in a way that the world outside of myself could understand. These things are still important to me, but asking myself how my work can be of service to others makes me think of things in a whole new way. Let's face it, the world can be a very selfish place. But I am so tired of always thinking about me. And I'm tired of people who are so consumed with "succeeding" in life that it is the only thing they think about. Sure, I want to succeed--but more importantly, I want to do something that changes the world for the better. If even in some tiny, small way.

I know, I know...I'm starting to sound rather idealistic, aren't I.

Well, the thing is that I keep seeing artwork and reading books that CHANGE ME FOR THE BETTER. And I won't lie: This puppy has had a profound effect in softening the rough edges of my heart. He makes me want to do less for myself and more for others. I want my art and my writing to make others feel the gigantic potential for love that is within each of us. The world can be so endlessly discouraging at times. But then there are those tiny moments that, for one reason or another, we are able to tap into the something-larger-than-us and feel an absolute connection, a seemlessness between our Self and the universe. Even if it only lasts a nano-second--it is enough. I am grateful for the things that make me feel that way. And I've been feeling that way a lot lately. It makes me care less and less about the funky issues attached to the ego, and a lot more about the world outside of my brambling little brain.

This week:

• I only did my morning pages 3 out of 7 days.
  
• I took an extra long walk with wolfie yesterday. It was cloudy, windy and dusk, and it felt good to spend some quality alone time with my "old dog."
  
• I didn't go on an artist's date (Instead I spent time with visiting family--my grandparents and my mom came down for the weekend).
  

The rest of the week was swallowed up by puppy and work. I wasn't disciplined this week in any of the usual ways (although getting up with a puppy a half a dozen times a night to potty IS its own sort of discipline!), but I know that I need to get back to things. I need to train little Louis to give me time to write. He's getting spoiled, but there is something good coming out of all this--and that is a sense of purposefulness. I am learning purposefulness from a puppy. Oh, the universe works in strange ways!

***

And on a sidenote:
Please forgive me that I've been absent from your blogs. I think about so many of you all of the time! I will return to reading and commenting soon. In the meantime, just know that I am sending supportive energy your way--whatever your current endeavor may be!

Meet Louis

Finally....finally, we found our baby puppy. He came home with us from the shelter yesterday--and I will never be the same again. He's three-quarters Chesapeake, a quarter Lab, and all love. He's 8 weeks old, pees a lot, and loves to be snuggled.

We named him Louis. As in Louis Armstrong--because he falls asleep the second he hears his voice.

I'm in heaven.

And absolutely in love.

Can you blame me?
:)

blahblahblah...

At the moment I'm sitting in the pink glow of my paper star lamp with the door closed and listening to Niyaz in an attempt to create a moment of uninterrupted quiet. It's been a weekend of too much talking. Talk, talk, talking. After awhile it rattles my teeth; it rattles my brain.

After reading Dancing Willow's post I feel inspired to create a sense of peacefulness around me. I took today "off" from writing so that, for once, I might spend an entire day doing whatever I felt like doing. This morning I went with my brother and his girlfriend to look at a house that he's thinking about buying. After that I drove through unknown parts of the city with my husband in an extended search for brunch. Somehow we traveled all the way through the streets of Mexico and ended up on the shores of the Caspian Sea. This is what I love about living in a city: diversity. I love the way that certain parts of the city are each culturally rich countries of their own.

Several hours later, we made it back home where I raked the yard and jabbered with the neighbors. Afterwards, V. and I took Anu for a walk, then we went out for coffee....but, by that point, I wanted nothing more than to hole up with my Finding Water book and be quiet for awhile. Nope--didn't happen.

Is it necessary to mention that I spent all day Friday and Saturday talking as well? I swear, my jaw is starting to hurt. Working at the neighborhood garden shop has resulted in a fuck of a lot of talking. Too be honest, I get sick of it and at times wish for nothing more than a few moments of silence. Tough luck for me.

10 pm, Sunday night...and now I am happy to hide. My day off has been good, but tomorrow I hope to fall off the edge of the earth. Maybe I'll get up extra early for a leisurely walk in the woods. Everything has exploded into green and tiny flowers grow everywhere. I'll spend some time cleaning the house (this idea is also inspired by dancing willow--my god, I neeeed some freshness in my surroundings!) and then I'm going to light some candles, brew a pot of barley tea, and sit my butt down in this chair to write a story about ______ (something).

Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

photo credit (click here)

Anyway, here's to silence.

Peace.

{Checking In} Week 10 of Finding Water

I can't believe it. It is only a little bit after 9 on Friday morning and I am already doing my weekly Finding Water check-in. Amazing. Punctual? Me?

Well, actually, since I don't work until noon, I was planning on spending the morning working on my thesis--but after returning home from a long walk along the creek with wolfie, I poured myself a cup of coffee and, as I started walking towards my writing room, noticed the blanket of sunshine covering the dining room table and my copy of Finding Water. I decided to stop here in the sunshine for awhile and finish reading this week's chapter. I'm on to my second cup of coffee and the sun is still shining--so I decided to stay in this spot awhile longer and do my check-in while I am surrounded by such comfort. I am transferring time and energy. My thesis will instead receive my full attention tonight.

Morning Pages and Significant Issues
This week I did my journal pages 5 out of 7 days. I can't seem to pull my act together lately. 5 out of 7 aint bad, but then there is the pile of dishes in the kitchen, the bed still hasn't been made, the pile of papers on my desk, the pile of clean laundry that needs to be put away in the basement, and bathrooms that need to be cleaned. Last night, I spent an hour or two reading instead of writing. It is really hard to work in a bookstore and not have time to read. And, in the end, I feel a tinge of guilt no matter what I do.

Yesterday we went to see a play that my 8 year old nephew was in and afterwards we all went out to eat at a Mexican restaurant. I very rarely drink, so the one margarita that I had was just enough to chill me out and give me a headache. When I got home I made an executive decision to give myself a break and spent some time reading. Even though it was only for an hour or so, the time felt quite luxurious. Hopefully I can return to my writing tonight feeling a little bit refreshed. It's funny how it doesn't take long for serious writing to make me feel bogged down. There's a lot of emotional excavation going on when I write. I can only handle so much at a time. I know a lot of writers that can push themselves to write in large quantities. They can sit down and write a 10-20 page story in one night if necessary. My husband is like that. But I can't do it that way. The stuff I write just doesn't work that way. It never has. I doubt that it ever will.

Lately I've been setting a goal for myself. 3 pages a night. Of course, deep down I know that I am more like a one-page-a-day sort of person. So I cut myself slack and, in reality, am shooting for three, 3 page essays a week. This works well for me because it gives me a little more room for flexibility. The first night I actually managed to produce an entire 3 pages and--oh the glory--I celebrated by taking myself and my book to a coffee shop to read in solitude and silence. Since moving to this city I had not once gone out for coffee by myself for any other reason than to work. And let me just say: It was heaven! I continue to work towards another one of those moments--but it hasn't been as easy as I was hoping. In all honesty, I was expecting this. And so I will continue doing what I'm doing because a little bit at a time will add up. I have faith in that.

What I don't have enough faith in is myself. This, however, is something that I have been taking great care to work on. There is a part of me that keeps poking: "This isn't good enough. Your writing sucks. It doesn't make sense to anyone but you. Your writing is irritating. It's too abstract. So-And-So on your committee isn't going to like it. You're never going to finish this...." On and on it goes. I could let my inner critic grind me to a complete halt, but lately I've been more successful in hushing that voice.

A good friend (who is also working on her dissertation and is working on the same deadline) recently asked if I would like to be an "accountability partner" with her. These days, I don't know what I'd do without her. I sent my first essay to her a few days ago. Even though I was totally afraid that it absolutely sucked--I sent it anyway. Not only do I have mini-deadlines set to send her my work, but now my writing also has a destination. Because she is under a lot of pressure to finish her own project, I don't expect her to respond to my work at all. But just knowing that she is receiving it and treating my words with tenderness is enough to keep me going. Needless to say, I am grateful beyond words for her. I'm not sure I would be doing this without her. I mean, sure, I guess I would be...but I think my struggles would be a bit more intensified. Just by being there, she is helping me to be kinder to myself. I guess that is the nice thing about friends--they're good like that.

Walks
...mine have been cut short due to the fact that my walking partner, Anu, has not been feeling well. My poor wolfie was sick for several days (lethargic, tummy ache, loss of appetite, dull eyes), and so I took her to the vet. A full check-up and several blood tests later, she has been diagnosed with pancreatitis. After a 24 hour fast and a prescription diet, she is feeling much better already. Thank God. I love my wolfie more than words could say. I cry at even the thought of anything ever happening to her! But I do believe that we have found the best vet in the world. She actually looks forward to going to see him! In the past, Anu was always a very difficult dog to bring to the vet--to the point that she actually needed to be sedated before we were able to bring her in. I am grateful that we have found someone that she likes and trusts to such an extreme. I am also grateful that we have found someone that is willing to go the extra mile to make sure that she is happy and healthy. Now if I could just find a doctor like that for myself! ;)

Okay... I feel like I could write forever. But this post is getting long enough. Instead of blathering on I will leave you with a list inspired by one of Julia Cameron's Divining Rods...

About Which I Could Pray:

1. to write 3 pages a day or 9 pages a week towards the completion of my thesis.
2. that I will be happy with what is on those pages.
3. that I will continue to find satisfaction in my work--both at the garden shop and the bookstore.
4. that my wolfie will live a healthy life.
5. that my marriage will always be strong.
6. for help in finding the house that we are looking for--the one that feels like home.
7. and that we will be able to comfortably afford that place without getting in over our heads.
8. that we will find another dog when the time is right--and that the dog will need us as much as we need him/her.
9. for a baby--also when the time is right.
   
10. to be able to see the divine in each and every person I come in contact with.
11. to find beauty often in small and random moments--and to remember to be thankful for those moments.
12. that I will always follow my heart.
13. that I may sleep well...and Vinny, too.
14. that my old cat will stay healthy until his dying day.
15. that my mom will find a partner in life that makes her truly happy.
16. that my brother will find a house that is safe and brings him happiness.
17. that my hair will quit looking like Martha Stewart's! Grow, damnit, grow!!
    
18. for help in losing and then maintaining my ideal weight. I don't feel the need to be skinny--but I do want to be the strongest and healthiest that I can be.
19. for the opportunity, confidence, and resources to learn more about web design. I want to take a few classes--but good classes can be quite expensive (and intimidating!).
20. that my creativity will bring in a higher and more reliable source of income.
21. that my sister will win the Vespa lottery that she signed me up for. ;)
22. that my friends (yes, you) will find their happiness too--both great and small.

breathe on, sweet commas.

Despite the ominous tone of my last post, I have to admit that things are going remarkably well (knock on wood).

...but, for now, I just wanted to say hi. This little compose box provided by Blogger is such a familiar and comforting space. I missed it here.

Today I met a girl from Chicago who is writing a book about people living their dreams. She's interviewing strangers Studs Terkle style and is attempting to capture the "everyday" moments of their lives. Judging by the thickness of the folder she was carrying around (and pulled out of her bag to show me), it's a pretty serious project. I met her while working at the garden shop and the whole time I felt like she was trying to gauge me; she was trying to figure out if I was living my dream. If I was, then I suppose she would want to interview me. I kept waiting for her to ask: "Are you living your dream?" But instead she asked if she could come back on Saturday.

Which made me wonder: Am I living my dream?

Which made me wonder: How do you know when you are?

Which made me wonder: Can living your dream be all inclusive?

Because if it can, then (geez) I guess I am.

on writing a thesis:

Some days I feel like I could choke on punctuation alone.

{checking in} looking back at week 9: uncovering a sense of perspective.

ok...so this post is being written a little bit late...not to mention, i haven't really arrived at week 9 quite yet considering i still have one foot stuck in week 8 (uncovering a sense of truth).

it is my first day off in what feels like a long time and i am contentedly sitting in front of my window watching the rain. it has been a week of incredible weather and hard work. my body is tired and my muscles are sore. the rain feels good after so much sun--the clouds say, "come here by the window, now it is time to rest." i've lit ylang ylang and amber scented candles, poured myself a cup of coffee in a favorite cup, picked up the clutter that seems to have accumulated over the course of the week...and now, *deep contented sigh*, i will spend the next several hours writing.

i'll tell you one of the reasons i am stuck in week 8 (uncovering a sense of truth)...and that is because i am still processing the truths that i am finally coming to terms with.
what are those truths? well...

1. i don't have time to keep up with all the blogs that i would like to read. even though i wish i could read and comment on every post of every person on my bloglines list...i can't do it. working full time, doing side-jobs, and trying to write my thesis does not allow me the time to keep up. not to mention, i need to sleep and would really love to read a book or two that i have had stacked next to my bed for several months now. which leads to number 2...
2. finishing my thesis is more important to me than anything else right now. it is still necessary for me to maintain a balance between marriage, work, friendship, art, downtime, ect...but i am beginning to realize that if i want to finish my thesis, something has to give. unfortunately, for a little while, i think it is going to have to be the time i put into trying to keep up with the 100+ blogs that i'm always trying to read (and the guilt i end up feeling when i'm not able to). which leads to number 3...
3. i have begun to realize that the simple truth is that i can only accomplish so much in a day. i am in love with hard work and am willing to give myself the extra push needed to accomplish my goals...but i also need to learn when i've done enough for the day. in other words, i need to learn how to be a bit more gentle on myself. this often makes me think of the folk tale about the turtle and the hare. i accomplish more (creatively) when i move at the slow and steady pace of a turtle. and so this is where learning how to approach my projects with gentleness would do me some good.

ok...now that i've said that, i guess i can move on to "week 9: uncovering a sense of perspective." I keep reminding myself that doing just a little bit every day will add up. i usually don't get home until 8pm...and that only leaves me a few hours before i run out of steam--crash and burn style. often i sit down thinking that i will write an entire essay in the 2 hours i have after working a long day--and, duh, it never works out that way. i need to remember that even just a few paragraphs a night will amount to something by the end of the week.

working outside at a physically demanding job has been good for me on so many levels. i feel a new sense of calm that i haven't felt since before i entered college some 7 years ago. in 1999 i built my own house out in the country. i wore a tool belt, worked outside, climbed ladders and scaffolding, operated power tools, hauled lumber. by the end of the day, i was happily exhausted. it was one of the best times of my life. i feel like i have returned to that state of mind--and it feels good.

in my mind, week 8 and 9 of finding water have somehow melded together. truth and perspective--they are two notions that go well together.

this week i did my morning pages 7 out of 7 days. my artist's date was short, but just what i needed--a half hour spent swinging on the big-enough-for-adults swing set at a nearby playground lifted my mood to the nth degree and left me feeling totally reenergized (you are never too old for this!). and of course, long walks with my wolfie are a constant.

this past week we almost got a house. we almost got a car. and we almost got a puppy. the timing was not right this week, but i'm not worried because i am quite positive that what this translates into is: we are about to get a house; we are going to get another car; and we are on the verge of finding the perfect canine friend, the one that we've been looking for. all in good time. these days, i feel like our patience will pay off. patience and perseverance have been a big part of these past couple weeks.

of course, "week 10: uncovering a sense of safety" comes with good timing. my heart feels tender lately...and, these days, i'm learning how to protect those vulnerable parts of myself. i've built a soft structure around the tender spots--a shelter to help me move through this important time with grace. this is my time of healing--and that healing seems to be happening through both hard work and gentleness. funny how one comes with the other--it seems to be a package deal.

garden shop life.

At the moment, I'm sitting in a room that I don't spend nearly enough time in: the bedroom. I've picked up the random scattering of clothes, fluffed the covers and made the bed, turned on lamps, and have a too-weak cup of coffee sitting on the shelf next to me. The blinds are cracked open just enough so that I can see the black silhouettes of trees and not-yet-leafed-out vines that drip over the edges of the windows. The sky has turned dusky lavender and orange. My old cat has traveled all the way up the stairs just so that he can hang out next to me. In his old age he acts more like a dog than a cat--following me everywhere, trailing behind me from one room to the next--that is true love.

I spent the day working outside. Yesterday, too. And the day before that (ok, you get the point). Not only have I been working outside, but I've been working hard. I've been hauling cast iron pots, potting soil, and stone Buddhas all day long. I rake and set up water fountains and break down boxes and move ceramic pots that weigh more than me. I carry an oversized watering can with me everywhere. It is the sort of work that makes me feel worn out at the end of the day--but in a good way. My skin feels tight from the sun and I have an unfamiliar reserve of energy from all the exercise I've been getting.

I've been more efficient lately, and resting better, too. Sometimes those old panicky feelings sneak back in, but the days I work the hardest, the smaller they become. I feel strength returning in a way that I have not felt in a very long time. I feel it in my arms, my legs, my lungs--but best of all, I feel it in my heart.

Mod Podge junkie.

I'm on a Mod Podge high--and am lovin' it. It's been a pretty busy past couple days around here and I've been suffering from an ultimate stress headache...the kind that I haven't really experienced since the drowning days of grad school. Like usual, I have too much on my plate all at once. I've been enjoying my new life at the garden shop, but I guess trying to squeeze the rest of my life into a few short hours at the end of each day has started to take its toll.

Yesterday Vinny and I went to look at a house for sale and inadvertently fell in love with it. It wasn't fancy by any means, but it was sunny and warm and felt like "home." I went to the bank today and talked with a loan officer only to find out that we would be in over our heads before we could blink. We've decided that, unless a miracle happens, we're going to pass this one up . I think that this will be a good decision in the end, but I couldn't help but feel some serious disappointment as I walked out of the bank. I haven't felt consciously stressed, but my body was telling me otherwise.

Tonight, however, the most wonderful thing happened when I went down to my studio to get work done on something I should have finished several days ago. Last week on my "artist's date," I went to Dick Blick to just hang out. In the process, I ended up buying some inexpensive paper and a bottle of Mod Podge. In the past I've used a matte medium for decoupage type projects, but it always dries a bit tacky to the touch. I remembered Melba mentioning that she uses Mod Podge, so when I saw a bottle for only a few bucks I happily bought some to experiment with.

About halfway through my project tonight, I noticed that my headache had disappeared. I could hardly think straight it hurt so bad...and then WALLAH! it just vanished. Weird. My faith in the therapeutic effects of art has been renewed. Amazing!

A couple weeks ago, Bee said that I should spend an hour or so just making art. Her theory was that by spending one precious hour making something out of pure creative enjoyment would actually benefit me and make me more efficient in all other areas. Although I agreed with her, inside there was a buggery ol' cynic saying: "yeah, yeah, yeah..right!"

Ok...so maybe it is actually just the smell of Mod Podge that is so incredibly healing (what is that smell? it reminds me of something.) or maybe there is a whole lot of truth in Bee's art therapy theory. Of course, I know her theory to be true. But I am such an incredibly slow learner sometimes!

Speaking of Bee, I was also blessed with a package from Canada that arrived on my doorstep today (and with perfect timing!). After I came home from the crumb-dumb bank, my mood was immediately lifted by a box filled with coffeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee and mmmm-so-dark chocolate, a beautiful green and blue necklace from Costa Rica, a yummy soft journal from India, forget-me-not seeds, and a nice thick letter. Dang, do I feel spoiled? Yes, in the best way! :)

The coffee smells divine and so I made a fresh pot before heading downstairs for my date with the Modge Podge. No wonder I feel better!

God, I love mod podge and Canadian coffee!!!!!

Ritual.

It's been cold and snowing all day...which was nice because I worked at the garden shop and it was quiet, oh so peaceful and quiet. I felt like I had the best of both worlds. Outside the snow came down in fat, wet blobs. Inside, it smelled of hyacinth, lilies, roses, and dirt. I sat under a heat lamp and grow lights and was able to write a long overdue letter to a friend, then worked on a few Finding Water divining rods in my journal. It was quiet yesterday also (a pre-spring lull) and so after I finished up with everything that needed to be done, I sat down with a pile of bulbs and plant leaves and did a few pencil sketches in my journal. I learned a lot about 'Dwarf Elephant Ears', Eucomis, and other strange creatures in the process. I'm not usually lucky enough to have such luxuriously long-winded bouts of quiet time to do nothing but putter around with words and pencils between cups of coffee and window gazing...but I drank it up with great thirst. I've spent the past two days loving my job...and feeling like I am exactly where I should be in my life right now--what an odd and wonderful feeling.

I do believe that these days I am living my truth. It might not be glamorous (I wear jeans, a flannel shirt, and winter boots to work) and it might not make me rich or famous or anything even remotely special...but, between the garden shop and the children's bookstore, I feel very lucky, indeed. These days, my life feels saturated--with color and scent and ideas and fresh air and friends....
~~~
But okay...
The point of this post is not to blather on about how happy I am or how fulfilling my work has been, but to share a few sensory rituals that help to move me to a sense of safety and expansion (yep, this was one of this week's divining rods). I like the way those two words, "safety" and "expansion," fit together. They are such contrasting, contradictory words--yet they fit so well together. To feel safe, yet have room to grow--isn't that the feeling we are always after?

#1.
The Writing Ritual: Clean my writing room--including dusting, washing the floors and organizing my desk. Then light a stick of "Amethyst-Balance" incense (because it's warm and soft smelling). Light a candle. Close the blinds and turn on my paper star lamp. Brew a fresh pot of coffee and sit down in my warm cocoon to write.

#2.
The Relaxation Ritual: Run a hot bath and add calming oils (like cedar and lavender) or foaming bath salts (like ginger/mint). Light lots of candles. Play soft sounding global music. Soak, soak, soak while reading a good book. Afterwards, put on a cozy pair of fleece pajamas, crawl into bed, and read some more with a fresh cup of chamomile tea sitting on the shelf next to be. Then...fall asleep while reading.

#3.
The Nature Ritual: Put on warm, comfortable clothes and go for a walk to the flower garden. Once there, find an especially magical place to sit and write in my journal. When I'm finished, continue walking through the flower gardens--slowly--taking time to notice little tiny things (the shape of a leaf, the bark of a tree, the sky's reflection in water, the chitter of a bird...) and soak in its beauty.

#4.
The Morning Pages Ritual: Find slippers. Feed the cats. Make a cup of espresso with a little cream and sugar. Turn on the small salmon-pink lamp and snuggle up next to it at the end of the couch with a soft blanket thrown over my legs. Write in the dark, quiet hour of the morning--exploring my thoughts without expectation or distraction.

#5.
The Sunday Ritual: Hang out in my pj's longer than usual. Finally shower. Then pick up a copy of the Sunday paper and go out for breakfast with my husband for a late breakfast at the "Egg and I." Order the Mexican Skillet with a side of homemade salsa and a cup of coffee. Read the newspaper together, people watch, eat, people watch, talk, read the newspaper, talk, people watch, eat some more...Then do something fun before returning home (even if that just means running an errand together). This is the ritual my husband and I share. It is something that we do to "reconnect" with each other on a weekly (or almost weekly) basis.

{Checking In} Week 7 of Finding Water.

Amazing. I find it hard to believe that we are already on to Week 8 of Finding Water. These pasts weeks I've felt like I'm running through water, my feet barely touching the bottom. It is an odd sensation--mostly a pleasant one, but a bit mind-boggling as well. There seems to be so much going on internally these days--it has been difficult to raise myself above the fog of my own mind.

morning pages and other significant issues
This past week I did my morning pages 6 out of 7 days. I was going to write about how absolutely ridiculous they've been getting. But then, just now, I looked back over my pages (I felt like I was cheating by doing this) and realized that there is so much more happening than I even realized. I wish I could write more about this here...but I feel that it wouldn't fair to myself to even try at this point. Today at work I was asking my boss about her other work and, on a side-note, she said something to the effect of: "Nothing ever turns out the way we expect it to--it turns out the way it's supposed to." Her words, although not exactly revolutionary, hit me with quite a lot of force. My life is in that in-between-place right now. I don't know how to explain that quite yet--and so I guess that the best I'll get out of myself at the moment are these little stops and starts. I'm just going to have to put my faith in the universe for now. Because, to be honest, I'm not sure what direction I'm going right now. For the first time in my life. I'm just not sure. All I can say is that I'm in the middle of it--of everything.

artist's date
This week I didn't go on an artist's date, but I'm going to cut myself some slack and go on one tomorrow (Sunday). Between the major change in my work schedule, V.'s b-day, and getting the car broken into and my purse stolen, it has been an exhausting week with very little free time. Of course, exhaustion and lack of free time is no excuse for not going on an artist date. Nor is lack of money or transportation. I am suffering from the desire to blame my artist's datelessness on all 4 of these excuses. But I will resist the temptation and take my $11 in quarters, the car while I'll have the chance, and DO SOMETHING tomorrow. But what? I don't know. If I could do anything at all I would buy myself a nice long massage (I've never gotten a professional massage before, but have always wanted one). Unfortunately, my lack of purse and wallet won't allow it. My muscles are stiff and sore and, due to my "new" job (which requires a lot of physical labor), I am feeling a deep need to be pampered these days. I'm devoting at least a little bit of tomorrow to figuring out how to go about doing that--even if it only means buying myself some exquisite new bath salts and then taking a long soak in my tub at home with a good book and some chamomile tea. It seems like the perfect break between my work week and the side projects that I need to accomplish tomorrow. Yes, actually, it sounds like a little bit of heaven that I will gladly enjoy.

As for divining rods...I, ummm, didn't do them this week. It took so much resilience just to get through the chapter (such a dark, depressing chapter), that I didn't dare look back to do the exercises. It was such a relief to read Week 8: Uncovering a Sense of Truth and find LIGHT at the end of the tunnel! Phew. I was getting a little worried. But you know what? Julia Cameron is not so different than any of us. We are all so exceedingly pathetic and beautiful all at the same time. I guess this is what it means to be human.

hoodlums.

My cat, Viscosa, is sitting in front of my computer screen as I write. She looks paranoid and acts as though the music I'm listening to might be seeping out of the walls. She's a strange and sketchy thing--but always needing to be in the center of things. I crane my neck to see around her only because I don't have the heart to shoo her away. She's a little lover...but she's also high on catnip. Cheap entertainment, I guess you could say.

In the other room, Vinny is playing with his new fish tank. Yes, playing. It was his birthday yesterday and I got my 37 year old husband a fish tank. I think he loves it(!) ...but that might be because he stopped maturing at the age of 9. I guess I'm ok with this, only because I stopped maturing at the age of 12. ha!

We're walking around like zombies today because, last night, after an incredible date (a delicious dinner, some book browsing, and a hilarious movie), we walked out to the theater parking lot and found the window of our car shattered...and my purse stolen. Do I ever leave my purse in the car? No! That's the shitty part. But last night it was heavy with birthday presents and books and so we decided I should just hide it under the seat and it would be fine. We were wrong. There were some little hoodlums hanging out by the theater when we went in and our guess is that they must have seen me lift my purse over the seat when I went to hide it. The other shitty part is that I actually had cash in my wallet (almost a 100 bucks--and I never have cash on me!). They were lucky little thieves.

But, despite the inconvenience of losing all the necessities a purse holds, I'm mostly bummed because they got away with Vinny's Edgar Allen Poe T-shirt (it was so awesome! my husband is Poe reincarnated) and the Helene Cixous book that I found at the used bookstore (a total score!). The sad part is that, since hoodlums are rarely literate (just a cynical assumption), they probably just threw that stuff out. Losers.

My new theory: improved literacy cuts crime!

What do you think? I mean, really, the only thing I'm NOT worried about them using is my library card!

I was up until 2 am canceling credit cards and what-not. They got away with charging a tank of gas--hopefully nothing more. This morning I was so tired that I decided to reset my alarm clock. Uh-em...bad idea! I must have reset the clock instead because, after I was already showered and ready for work, I looked at the clock on my computer and realized that it was an hour EARLIER than I thought it was! Damn. I could have still been in bed! Hence, the zombie mode. Even coffee wasn't able to cure me.

Anyhoo...that's my story for the day. At least the fish tank looks cool.

word quilt

It is cold and rainy outside. I hear the drip, drip, dripping outside my writing room window. Later it might even snow. I have lit a rose scented candle and am utterly comfortable in my long johns and old flannel shirt. My old cat snores at my feet and wolfie has happily come in from the rain to chew on a bone.

When summer comes, I will miss the way it feels when the furnace kicks on. I will miss the hum of warm air against the threat of cooler temperatures. This morning my job is to stitch the pieces of my past together with words--like a quilt. Conditions are perfect.

How can I not be grateful for what my life is right now?

monday morning spring thoughts

Today is different than other days because it is Monday and I am not working at the bookstore. In case you don't already know this about me, I work at a children's bookstore. It is a strange and unusual place--not like any other bookstore. If you've ever been there, then you'd know what I mean.

On Monday mornings we have a story time for infants and toddlers. It involves rather large crowds and high doses of chaos. I've worked this shift ever since I started late last summer and over the weeks and months have learned to let its chaos surround me with an air of calm. When I first started I remember watching my co-workers move through the morning with grace. It surprised me how easy it was to find my own state of grace. I found that being surrounded by books and babies left me feeling oddly comforted. Sometimes the parents would get on my nerves--but never the kids. If things got wildly out of control, it was easy enough to find a patch of stillness in letting one of the store cats crawl into my arms for a quick snuggle. Triny Lopez, the black Manx with a white stripe running the length of his nose, is by far the biggest lover of our 3 in-store cats and this morning I think I might even miss his purrs tickling my ear. Actually, I know I do. I miss snuggling Tom-Tom the ferret, too.

This week I start my full-time hours at the garden shop and am cutting back to just one day a week at the bookstore. My days of part-time glory (so that I could work on my thesis) are over. But, in all reality, there were very few weeks that I had much for extra writing time. I took on extra hours doing artwork, working at the garden shop, and doing the mural commission. "Part-time" was more of an intention than a reality. I have squandered away my writing time...yet, strangely, I feel a sense of relief in returning to the regular hours of full-time work.

I no longer have entire days stretching out in front of me to write. I only have a few hours in the evening or maybe an occasional hour or two in the morning. I am oddly grateful for these smaller expanses of time. It is feels so much less intimidating. I feel a shift in intention.

This morning I took Anu for an extra long walk. We went to all of our favorite places and stopped often to take in views from the ridge and the damp, spring feels of the deeper woods. Trudging up the last hill before arriving home, I noticed the hearty sprigs of grass stoutly poking up from the muddy ground. I noticed thick rugs of moss and tiny buds unfurling on a nearby tree. Little miracles.

Today I am celebrating a change in pace. Or maybe, change in general.

{Checking In} Week 6 of Finding Water

There are so many things that I've wanted to write about this week, but for one reason or another have neglected to do so. This week went by really fast yet, at the same time, it feels like this past Monday happened several weeks ago. Time, I guess you could say, has been playing elastic tricks on me lately. Now it is Saturday. Where do I begin?

morning pages
It is becoming habit to get up early and start writing. This week I wrote my journal pages 6 out of 7 days. I missed once only because, ummm....I was being rebellious. Artistic defiance, I guess you could call it. But in all reality it probably took more energy NOT to write my journal pages that day than if I had just sat down done them. I'm kinda stuck in a rut with my morning pages, yet I feel totally off-kilter when I skip them. And the rut? Well, lately I find myself writing the same things over and over and over. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that this "rut" is a result of my own incessant non-action (at least, when it comes to the things that matter the most). Week 6 is about "uncovering a sense of resolve." Cameron reminds us that "action is the key to success." There's only one thing left to do...and that is to TAKE ACTION. Damn. How scary is that? What if myplan totally flops? I've gotten very good at evading myself and the work at hand. I've been letting myself get distracted too easily. And, in the process, I'm finding that I do less and less of the things that make me feel better about myself.

Now that I've made it to the other side of Week 6, I guess there's only one thing left to do...and that is to get a whole lot more serious about my sense of resolve. So here it is--I'm going to put this out there and then try a fuck of a lot harder to hold myself to it...
I RESOLVE TO WORK ON MY THESIS FOR TWO HOURS EVERY DAY. NO MATTER WHAT. NO MATTER HOW I FEEL. NO MATTER WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON. NO MATTER HOW TIRED OR BRAIN-DEAD OR FRIED OR ANXIOUS OR DISTRACTED OR CRAPPY I FEEL. EVEN IF THE WEATHER IS PERFECT OUTSIDE--I RESOLVE TO SIT DOWN AND MOVE THIS PROJECT TOWARDS COMPLETION!!!

There. I said it.

I was going to write more...but, for now, I think I've already gotten myself into enough trouble.

g'night.
love,
j.

living the life of a midnight artist...

...and paying the bills with chalkboard art. ha! :)

ps.
cool picture book alert (i love this one!):

The Incredible Book Eating Boy
by Oliver Jeffers

release date:
April 19, 2007

the mural project is finished!

Well actually, I finished it about 3 weeks ago--two days before Baby Noah was born... 5 weeks early! Good timing, I'd say! He spent the first week in the hospital, but I'm happy to report that he is now home and doing well. It's strange the way art connects you to the lives of others in such unexpected and heartfelt ways.

This hodge-podge parade of animals is inspired by some of the new mama's favorite story book characters. The photos aren't the best, but I thought I'd share them anyway. It was a lot of work, but there were also moments of complete and absolute enjoyment (especially while painting that fat ol' pig and all those tiger stripes!). I also learned a thing or two about working on mural commissions. The parents haven't said whether or not they like it...but I hope they do. Even more so, I hope that Baby Noah does. May that kid grow up to with an active imagination! I'm already dreaming up the wild murals I would paint in my own baby's room. Plenty of swirls, magic, and deep saturated color would be an absolute requirement. ;) Hell, maybe I'll even paint my own room one of these days.....

gratititude.

I woke up this morning, made coffee, and shuffled across the house in my slippers to my writing room. I sat down at my desk, looked out the window, and saw 5 deer run through the clearing in the woods across the street. Today I am thankful for the incredible sense of balance that this place offers me.

lame post.

yay! i finally updated my bloglines! but now i see that i have like five hundred posts to catch up on. geesh! how does time slip away from me so easily?

well, i know how it did today...but i'm too exhausted to write about it. bummer. i'll be back tomorrow.

g'night and lots of love,
j.

{Checking In} Week 5 of Finding Water

I woke up this morning to fog outside my window and, from the perspective of my pillow, it felt as though I had somehow managed to make my way into the clouds. It was a nice way to wake up. Since then, I've shifted my perspective to the first story window of my writing room. The fog is still as thick as when I woke up, but now it's attached to the ground and trees. A squirrel keeps running back and forth on the lawn, but stopping in front of the window; he stands on his hind legs and looks in for several seconds before running off again, then does it again. He makes me laugh.

morning pages
This week I did morning pages 7 out of 7 days. Yay for me! Unfortunately, they seem to have degenerated into glorified to-do lists. However, the best thing to come out of this week's journal pages is that I've been starting each entry with something that I love about the present moment--things like: "I love waking up to fog." or "I love standing next to the heat vent in the morning." or "I love heating pads!" Yes, I'm a geek. And, no, I haven't been doing this on purpose. I guess it's just that this week's exercises have had a good effect on me in this way.

artist's date
In other news, I didn't go on my artist's date this week. GASP!!! What?! Why?! I don't even know why. This week snuck right past me and although I meant to take myself on a date to a nearby playground and swing until I was sick (ha!)...I didn't do it. Damn. I won't give up without a fight though. Maybe I'll go tomorrow. Yes, I think I will.

walks
And the walks...oh, it has been balmy and warm here. It's been in the 50's with a little bit of snow still left on the ground. I feel like I've been experiencing the best of every season this past week and have been walking twice as much as usual. Maybe it's the warm weather but lately I have not been thinking about anything when I walk; it is the only time that my mind has been quiet. It has felt good.

significant discoveries

• It feels REALLY good to clean and rearrange the house after a long and stressful winter. Last week I rearranged my office. This week I rearranged our bedroom. It feels so spacious! There's something to be said for both the physical AND mental benefits of cleaning. I've been detoxing in this way both inwardly and outwardly (with great benefits!).
  
• It works much better for me to concentrate on just one small thing at a time. It helps me to not get overwhelmed. This is probably obvious knowlege...but I'm a slow learner. Lately I've just been giving myself a single small goal within manageable blocks of time, such as: "I'll read X amount of pages between 10 am and noon." I've found that I work well with 2 hour blocks of time.
  
• I feel more comfortable with the idea of "God" when I take it OUT of the context of my negative Catholic school experience. Having a conversation with "God" is complicated for me because I associate the word (God) with so many negative connotations. But this week I did the "Write a letter to God exercise" (page 129) and it helped me communicate with "God" in a way that was personal and on my own terms. I wrote in my own language and that in itself was a new experience for me.

*bottom image from my journal
**photo at top taken this morning by my husband, Vinny.

after the fugly went away...

Today I worked at the garden shop and it was peaceful. The fuglies went away after a long bout of writing, then work, then house cleaning. Actually, I think it was last night's sleep that really did the trick. The fuglies have been banished.

Vinny took this photo of me a couple weeks ago. It was my first day back at the garden shop and he stopped by after going out on a photo-shoot. I had just gotten over the flu the day before and had been shoveling all morning. I look like crap--but I kinda like this photo anyway because it captures some of the quiet and peacefulness of being surrounded by plants and garden things. When planting season comes, it won't be so quiet. But, for now, I am drinking it in.

Today I worked with the doors open. It has been strangely warm and muggy out all day. Steam rises off of the snow. How is that possible? I hauled trellises, chipped ice, watered plants. When it started to rain, I read a little bit from my book. The mist and spring smells floated through the store along with a few customers, too.

I wrote a post on the Finding Water blog and so, in answer to my own questions...

What brings me peace?
bird song, the sound of wind in pine trees, snow, the smell of my dog's fur (she smells like hay), my cats playing, candles, the sound of the creek, walking, Vinny's touch.

Where does God live for me?
in nature, in the colors of the sky, in writing. God lives in all those tiny moments that bring me peace.

What do I love?
when my husband plays the piano, the sound of Anu's wolfie voice, cat snuggles, my books, the sound of coffee brewing, a clean house, sunshine coming in through the windows, the smell of fresh laundry, blogging, afternoon naps, the night sky thick with stars.

What am I grateful for?
the forest across the street even though I live in a big city, my health, my travels, memory.

How do I escape the dull-drum fuglies?
writing, painting, cleaning, walking, good food, sleep.

What part of my life and my Self could use a little more compassion?
my thesis. my body.

Where does my "true north" point to?
teaching writing.

What about you??

fuglies.

Today I have the fuglies. Otherwise known as the weepies...but fugly describes the feeling a bit better. I made myself open all the blinds in the house even though it is little more than grey out there. It is the sort of day that I would prefer to keep them closed because sometimes it feels good to hide out--neighbors and dog-walkers unable to look into open window as they go by. Anyway, the soft yellow light shed by lamps is so much more comforting than the steel colored skies outside. But when I have the fuglies, I know that it isn't wise to leave the blinds drawn shut. Like the plants, I need light--however filtered and cold it might be.

After a strong cup of coffee and a dose of morning pages, I took Anu for an extra long walk in the woods. The trails are all slick ice and silence. Anu snuffles along with her nose in the snow with extreme intentness on getting to the bottom of each and every scent. She forgets that she is on a leash and I have to repeatedly remind her: "Anu, no pulling!" Two seconds later I am again being pulled dangerously fast across a patch of ice. This time it is because she herself can't slow down on the ice. When she finally comes to a stop, she turns in my direction with a look of apologetic concern in her eyes until I've safely joined her at the bottom of the hill.

That dog keeps me afloat on even the fugliest of days. And, I swear, she knows how to smile. She also knows how to make me smile.

After walking, I've spent the rest of the morning curled up at the end of the couch reading through essays and trying to organize my thoughts. I read out loud because, for some reason, hearing my own voice keeps me from drifting so quickly into self-doubt. I no longer trust my own words on the page--but, for some reason, when I read them out loud I am able to once-remove them from myself. My inner-critic finds it harder to get a word in edgewise.

I find myself wishing that I could be like the main character, Herald Crick, in the movie Stranger than Fiction. He is able to solve complex mathematical equations by visualizing the answers outside of himself, in the air, written as though on an invisible scratch-pad. The only thing that gets in his way is an irritating voice that is narrating his own ill-fated life--the voice that he can't turn off. I could do without the incessant narration (I am my own worst narrator), but what I desire of Herald Crick's talents, is the ability to visualize a problem to its end: the solution.

Something tells me that there is a very easy answer to the structure my thesis should take, but I am still struggling to find it. I pick things apart and put them back together, in different ways, over and over. But, so far, the puzzle pieces I am working with have not offered the right fit--not yet, anyway. These days, I lack Herald Crick's talent for visualization.

Hence, the fuglies.

12:30. It is lunchtime. I will continue fighting off this feeling. First with a shower. And then with a bowl of soup. Anyway, I have to go to work soon. The fuglies need to fuck off.

they make me think of home.

yesterday i saw 5 geese flying north. today i saw another. it flew above my house in the light of the fading sun. i could hear the air being stirred by her wings--such a graceful sound.

this northern migration of geese causes a tug in my heart. they make me miss my old place out in the country-- the home that is no longer my own. these geese, they make me wonder if i will ever go back.