Wednesday, July 07, 2004

Lots to love...

It's come to my attention that I will never ever accomplish all the things in my life that would like to.
This blog for instance. I don't know how to do anything other than what I'm doing right here. No links, no pictures, no nothing fancy frilly extras.
This is impossible. I think that when I quit my job I will have more time to learn and to do more obscure things... but I know that I am a dreamer-- I've been one all my life.

I had a daydream that if I practiced Spanish (with CD's) for one hour a day that I would learn it in a year. Of course, the first hang-up is actually DOING it. haha. And the other is: is it even remotely possible? The 3rd: do I really want to anyway?

Then there is the matter of letters that I would like to write to my long lost friends... the ones that are about to give up on me. Especially Isabelle. My dear sweet Isabelle. How do I explain my disappearance over the last TWO years!? I am a horrible friend and there isn't a day that goes by that it doesn't make me feel horribly sad.

This is ridiculous. At this rate I will need to be unemployed for the rest of my life to catch up with all the things I want to do. But then what of accomplishing my life-long goal of teaching? Oh yes, let's not forget about that. And please oh please, let's not forget how passionate I have always been about that one.

So why does my brain feel so frazzled? My mind is tired and my body too.

I call myself a writer... but what I really want to do these days is just read read read. Leave me along. I just want to read.

I need a break-- but I may never get one. So I might as well just get on with it. Let me outside. Stop raining. I need some sun. And a cool breeze. Maybe some tea... but let's not make this too complicated.

Ah! The space I need to create. Does it still exist? Wandering from place to place to place. All so peaceful... if only I could sit still long enough for that peace to catch up with me.

Tomorrow I work-- what a horrible waste of time.

There's a little pea-size piece of me somewhere back there in a shifting part of my brain. The clouds roll away and the mist moves in. Darkness falls.

It gets late and I must sleep. What a disappointment when it is really naps that I enjoy the most.
No worries. I love the world. This is my problem.