Monday, May 14, 2007

i promised myself i wouldn't write about my thesis anymore, but this is where my life is at right now.

I am frustrated with myself today. I had the day off and it turned out to be a perfectly warm "summer" day. My husband also had the day off and, get this, we FINALLY got a new (well, new used) car!!! I should be excited (and I am), but I spent most of the day being frustrated and stressed out because the whole car shopping and purchasing thing took pretty much the entire day. Rather then enjoying the fact that we were in the process of getting something that I've wanted for a very long time, the only thing I could think about was the time I was losing out on to work on my thesis. Yes, I ruined a perfectly wonderful day because of the endlessness of this project. I only get ONE day a week to really work on it and the past THREE WEEKS I have not gotten to do so because my (very scarce) time has been interrupted and interrupted and interrupted.

I sort of feel like just sitting down in a heap and crying because I'm sick of every last detail in my life revolving around this THING that I am not accomplishing. I look out the window and see our shiny black automobile glowing in the light of the street lamp and it restores a little of my happiness. But then I get cranky again because I know that I won't really get to drive it much anyway. I work and then I feel like I should be at home trying to write. I can't tell you how much I crave freedom in my life right now. Even just a little.

But this is why I'm glad we finally got another car. Despite my frustrations in not getting any work done today, this car is what will afford me certain freedoms that I have not had in way too TIME ALONE. Working more has made me realize just how important it is that I have some breathing space--even if only an hour here or there. I want to be able to do something on my own schedule and I don't want to have to explain when, where, and why in order to do it.

Really, when it comes down to it, I think I might just be a little bit mad at myself for ruining what could have been a good day. Vinny is happy that he found a car that he likes. I am happy that we are in complete agreement. I am also happy that I can actually go somewhere without having to spend half of the day walking, riding my bike, or taking the bus to do so.

It's just that I'm starting to think that my thesis is never going to get done and it is beginning to drain the joy out of everything!

Complaints aside, there is a deep part of me that is amazed by the things that have come about through the Finding Water experience. You see, 12 weeks ago I started thinking about the way I wanted my life to be. I started making lists and writing out my desires. Then I started putting my energy into materializing those things. And in the last 3 months I have:
  1. started making more money (through an altered work situation).
  2. got a puppy (the one I have been waiting two years for!).
  3. got a car (something we've wanted but have been inconveniently living without for the past year).
There are only 2 more things on my list right now--but for some reason "finish my thesis" has never consciously become a part of that list. In my Morning Pages I have written about my desire to finish my thesis EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. since I started Finding Water. Actually, it is the topic of nearly every page. I truly believe that if I want something, I can make it happen. So why can't I make my thesis happen? Did I lose belief in myself? Have I ever truly believe in myself when it came to this project?

At this point, what's one more lost day? This "not producing" is wearing me thin and brittle. So here's the deal: Tomorrow I'm going to take my big dog and my little dog for a ride in our shiny new ride before work. I'll open the sunroof and the windows and I'm going to just drive and drive and breath deep. And right now? Despite the late hour, I'm going to stay up and work on my thesis. The day is not completely lost yet. There are enough things in my life right now to make me happy. I am tired of my thesis getting in the way.


Olivia said...

Good for you for tackling it, Jessie! You know, I've read every one of your FW posts, and although I remember you've talked about it, it doesn't seem as omnipresent to me as you've described it. I'm betting that it's really there for you, though, all the time, and that you're dreading it more than having it be fun.

Or else I'm just projecting, because that's what my thesis always was for me---or anything else really big that I've dreaded---something that keeps me from living my life, my values, and all the things that are REALLY important to me.

Anyway, my idea was...maybe if you made it more "fun"? It might help?

Well, the best thing about my masters degree (and I know other people who say this) is that IT'S OVER! And that I did it, of course. But yours will soon be over too, and your life will be YOURS totally again one day soon. YEA!

Kristine said...

Take a big deep breath and know that I am cheering you on. I can relate a little. I took my homework with me this weekend and yet never got anything done. I am a bit worried with only aboyt 3.5 weeks to pull it together!

Anonymous said...

ummmm...I actually like reading about your thesis...
Your feelings are valid though. When something that requires so much of your time and energy is breathing down your back, how can you possibly enjoy the other things in life?
Assignment for you...every time you feel overwhelmed at not having the time to work on it, get a big, sloppy, puppy kiss from Louis...put your arms around him and really let him love you up!
Live in the moment, smell his puppy breath.
You'll get that thesis done.
How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.
Enjoy the car ride with your doggies!

swampgrrl said...

hey girl...i can't relate.
breathe ...
breathe again ...
can you look at small steps rather than the huge over-freakin-whelming big picture?
shit, girl....
if i was there, i'd grab you up and go for some greasy cheese fries.

Jessie said...

geez...your comments made me get all teary eyed this morning. thank you for your thoughtful words. i want to hug all of you.

Marie said...

My post would have almost been word for word like Bohemian mom...Those of us women out here get a lot from reading about your thesis and frustrations because not only are the feelings valid, but we can relate to our pressures in life that keep us from enjoying what we love most. I felt you "come alive" when you talked of riding in your car with the sun roof and your puppies. Besides who could resist that face? Great visuals! These are things necessary to fill your cup. Drink it up, savor its energy and use it to move you forward towards your goal. You'll get it done...
One more thing, when I was finishing my thesis, I found it difficult because there was a small amount of fear in being done. You've worked so hard to get to this point; and it's taken tremendous fortitude and energy from your life. Life will be different now, and that's a bit scary. Maybe? I know my daughter graduating has the same familiar ring. You're so close; go for it!

Carla said...

Good luck...I can totally relate to what you're feeling. I'm sure that you will get it done though.

bee said...

this made me want to teleport to mn. and grab you up and hug you for a long, long time. then i'd take you and the dogs on a road trip and let you sit wherever you wanted and work...

it will work out. i promise you. call me if you need to.

Anonymous said...

i'm sorry i've been MIA lately. you WILL get through this, and i promise to be a better accountability partner now that my project can take priority, too!! email or call me whenever you need to! ~ruby

Loralee Choate said...

I don't think I've had time alone since I became a mom at 21.
P.S. My word verification is "iwant" heh.

bella said...

Hey girlfriend! Maybe it's been sort of a divine intervention with your thesis. You've accomplished 3 things on your list - that's awesome. So now, you're good to go. Work a little each day, and devote that one day a week to getting it done. You'll do it. I know you will.
Congrats on the new car.

The Dream said...

Jessie, the Thesis writing thing IS a big deal. I admire that you are doing it. Be good to yourself, friend. It will happen. (I wonder ... if you spent the day writing while your man was buying the car, would you have been productive ... or distracted by not being there?)

Car buying is such a drag. It is always a minimum of a day long experience and it ranks near the top of my list of least enjoyable things in life, close to wearing pantyhose and mopping the floor.

A word of wisdom: "You can start your day over at any time." The first time I heard this I was blown away, because the perfectionist in me would deem something unacceptable at 10 a.m. and then believed that the whole day was shot. In more recent history, I have been known to start my day over at 11:00 p.m. ... whatever works, right?

New Car - check
New puppy - check
All systems go?

Melba said...

This hasn't happened to me recently, but Sometimes when I get those feeling that my children eat away at all my time and things would be somehow "easier" if we were childless I like that I have you to remind me that life is never easier. I hope you take that statement as a compliment because it is meant to be one. We all have challenges. I like that. Sharing the experience connects us all somehow. I can relate to you.

I found buying a new (used) car not to be fun. I kind of washed my hands of it and let Sean make all the decisions. I just hated spending the money, but in all the car commercials people are jumping for joy. I really never understood that.

A thesis is a really big deal. I have been at places in my life where no amount of reasoning would get me to move into action. I do think baby steps help.

I am sending action vibes your way.

Amber said...

Only two more things on the list?! Hey, that is great! And the rest IS GOING TO HAPPEN.
Let it go a little. Enjoy your car and your dogs and your love. It will come to an end, and you will be done soon! (and I can't fel too bad for you, 'cause mine is all just starting! oy.)


deirdre said...

Congrats on the new car. Independence is so vital in a busy life. And happy thesis writing too.

paris parfait said...

Ah, Jessie I've missed you. Have been too busy with guests and deadlines to visit lately. So glad you got a new car and the puppy you've wanted. And that thesis is going to be finished soon, I'm sure of it! Bonne chance et bonne courage, mon ami! xo

Becoming Amethyst said...

Oh Jessie ~ sending you BIG hugs. You KNOW I know how you feel about this. The only thing I can say is that if the thesis is what you are meant to be completing, then I truly believe you will find the will to complete it. All prayers/ intentions are answered, eventually, in the best way if not the most expected way. So glad to hear you're giving yourself the chance to breathe and enjoy ~ the best next step forward :)

Anonymous said...

I tried twice to respond to this, but blogger ate my response both times! And they were brilliant too, honestly. ;) Seriously, I know EXACTLY what you mean...I know how important this project is to you, and for all that we can say "detachment, detachment" it is easier said than done. I have SO much faith in you. Like you said to me on my blog, "do you KNOW how good of a writer you are?" Because I DO, I KNOW that you are fabulous and that you can DO this sweetie.


Miss you. Sorry about the car, but hey, it did end up working out in the end, no? You always manage to do that. ;)

xoxo, M