Tuesday, November 14, 2006

word dreaming.

I have been thinking about writing all day. And when I say that, I mean that I've been thinking about it since the moment I woke up until now. I took 2 naps and both times I dreampt about writing. Language becomes liquid in dreams.

Fuck. I should have been spending the entire day getting words down on paper. But instead all I could do is read and sleep. I've had so many pearly thoughts--–perfectly formed because they have not been distorted by the page. I was cold...and the only warm place in the world was on the couch, hidden under three blankets and the shuttered blinds of the living room window.

When V. got home we sat down togehter for dinner. It wasn't until he asked me about my day that I unexpectedly burst into tears over wilting salad leaves and black olives. Right now I'm sitting in a coffee shop next to the fireplace. Finally, I'm beginning to feel my fear of writer's block unthaw. Sometimes, like today, it freezes me solid.

I think it's time to redefine my direction and find intuition again. Something happened to me during grad school. I don't know if it was the experience of school itself, or if it was the accumulative effect of a hard time in my personal life, too (ok, actually, it was a complicated mixture of both). I feel broken. I guess too much stress and grief all at once can do that to a person. As hard as I try, I can't figure it out. I feel like a two year old: but why? why? why? Does it even matter? I want to make sense of it so that I can move forward, but maybe it's not even necessary to figure it out. What's essential is to grow from it. I don't regret anything. But what I do need to do right now is climb my way out of this pit of fear that has grown like a cancer in my gut.

What I want to do more than anything is just read. I want to read and read and read. But I am so tired of feeling the nag of guilt everytime I do anything that isn't my thesis. I need to finish what I've started so that I can breath freely once again--because this wordlessness is beginning to eat me alive.


Anonymous said...

oh, sweetie. first of all... (HUG)

no, wait. just let me hold you until this part's over, okay? (HUUUUUG)

i know exactly where you are coming from, sweet girl. and if there's one thing i can say to you, it's that i think you need a rest. even if it's just for a day, even if you just took one. and it'll be good for you. there's something in your words - read, if you want to. take a walk if you want to. but do whatever you want. and don't worry about the pearls of words that you might be missing on - they will be there. but they can't be accessed if there's no YOU to access them.

i love you. now go do something just for you, okay? please?

melba said...

I like to relate what my friends are talking about so I think of a situation in my life that I Feel is similiar.
Sometimes I feel guilty when i am not doing one of my two "jobs"
1. Being a homemaker (and all that goes with it)
2. Working on justBe...

But then I breathe.

You get to spend time in a coffee shop almost everyday! I would love to! I would love to even more with you! I am not looking for greener grass, I am just appreciating the comfort of coffee and a fireplace and the joy of people watching.

I know you appreciate it to. It sucks to feel weighed down. Keep breathing and I know you will feel lighter soon.

My friend, I am thinking of you.


Loralee Choate said...

Iknow when you drop the fbomb your day is pretty bad.

You are so wonderful, sweet Jessie. I think that you are very dedicated and responsible and not blowing off your thesis. For whatever reason your body/brain just can't handle it right now. THAT IS OK. Read, rest, and tackle it when it doesn't seem so overwhelming. It will be a better thesis if you do and you will feel better at the end of the process.


Kristine said...

Don't beat yourself up. It'll be ok. The words will come. Just trust that they are there.

Anonymous said...

oh jessie, i wish i had something wise to say. i relate to you so much, though...i feel as if every ounce of creativity and spontaneity is being stomped out of me at this very moment...grad school is so trying, and i wish you weren't still experiencing its lingering effects. WE need to go on a writing retreat... ;)

s said...

i'm a grad student in the sciences, and i can completely relate to the broken feeling. you're definitely not alone. i feel fear as well, maybe due to lack of confidence. i'm hoping one day too to climb out of whatever is holding me back. guilt takes a hold of me too many times as well...anytime i spend on myself, i feel guilty for not being in the lab. i wish you luck on writing that thesis and leaving grad school behind you.

sophie said...

i am so frustrated - all my
wonderful thoughts come at night -
when i wake up in a tired
dream half-dream state -
and i never write down my ideas -
and they haunt me the next day -


Elizabeth said...

Sometimes all we can do when we're on a creative plateau is trudge on through it. One step at a time. And nurture our hearts.

Take care, dear, Jessie, your thesis wil come when you're rested and ready!