balance.

At the moment I am sitting in a coffee shop with the intention of bringing this week's "writing retreat" to a proper close. I took a photo with my laptop's web cam a minute ago and then applied a bit o' Photoshop to capture the night's urban mood. Outside is all traffic, road construction, and sidewalk people. So much different than the world I left behind and yet, together, they strike such a perfect balance.

I came home a little bit early because, I'm embarrassed to admit, I started to miss my pup and husband. I accomplished more in the past 3 days than I have in the last 3 months. I got excited and couldn't sit still any longer--so I drove through a foggy, deer-infested night just so that I could get home before the alarm clock went off. It was a wonderful homecoming. And it was a productive retreat. Not only productive, but refreshing as well. Right now, I feel an incredible sense of balance.

And so I have stolen myself away to write one last essay in order to cap this retreat off with a nice rounded number. Music is in my ears, art is on the walls, a large cup of coffee is in front of me. I want to tell you about the blackness of the northern sky; I want to tell you about a lot of things.

But right now...I am committed to staying focused on this one last essay of the day. This writing retreat ain't over yet.

Cheers. ;)

dream come true: self-created writing retreat

When I decided to do one thing every day that scares me, one of the things I quickly decided I would do within the course of the month is make some serious headway on my thesis. This is an extremely important step for me because of the very great need I feel to tie up this particular loose end. Finishing my thesis would open up a whole new space in my life--mentally, emotionally, and probably even spiritually. Every single day this thing looms over me, it nags at the back of my mind, creates little nigglings of stress, incessantly tap-tap-taps at my chamber door. In short, it won't leave me alone. No matter what I'm doing, it causes me to always feel like I should be doing something else (read: working on my thesis). And (quite obviously) working on my thesis is something I have not been doing often enough of.

A couple weeks ago I was a bit irritated when I found out that I wasn't scheduled for as many hours as usual this coming week. But then I thought...Ok, I can either be mad about losing hours OR I can use the extra time to my advantage. I decided on the second option and, from there, immediately resolved that I would take this unexpected expanse of time and head to the woods for some uninterrupted writing time. Yes, DEEP into the woods. Just my wolfie and me.

I'm leaving directly after work today and I won't be back until Thursday.

2 days for travel.
3 days for writing.

Writing, woods walking, writing, woods walking, writing, woods walking, writing, woods walking, writing, woods walking, writing, woods walking, writing, woods walking, writing, woods walking, writing, woods walking, writing, woods walking, writing, woods walking, writing, woods walking, writing, woods walking.

Nothing more. Nothing less.

I've packed my notebooks and pens and enough books to last me a lifetime. You see, with the book packing I allowed myself the luxury to bring books that have even the remote possibility of being useful. I'm planning on working on the critical section of my thesis and I don't want to find myself in the middle of the woods wishing I had remembered to bring ___*potential book title goes here*___. Never mind that I have an entire liquor box PLUS a book bag FULL to the brim with books that are (even loosely) associated with the topic of memoir, essay, creative nonfiction, or sense of place. There are some that have absolutely nothing to do with anything, but are coming along for no other reason than sheer inspiration--which, if you ask me, is as good a reason as any.

Of course, if I find myself inspired to work on the creative portion of the thesis, there's the possibility that I won't use any of the books--but that's ok, too. The best part about a self-created writing retreat is that there are NO rules. :)

The last time I felt so perfectly excited and focused about taking on a writing endeavor was when I was in India and decided to rent a room for several weeks to do nothing else but write. Unfortunately, I only have 3 days, not 3 weeks--but, hey, I'll take what I can get.

Things I will NOT have: phone, electricity, running water, a bathroom, noise pollution, light pollution, needy (but oh-so-loving) puppy, needy (but oh-so-loving) husband, love from said husband and puppy, television, internet, hot showers, loud traffic, sirens, drug dealers, nosy neighbors, disruptions of any kind, humming refrigerator, humming freeway...

Things I WILL have: peace and quiet (enough to make my ears ring), stars (enough to take my breath away), Anu love, yellow legal tablets and pens, books, fresh air, food that tastes better than ever because it's cooked outside on an open fire, very cold swim in a nearby lake if I'm brave enough, sleeping bag (good up to -20f), French press coffee (never leave home without good coffee), hobo dinners (I'll share my "recipe" upon my return), miles and miles of trails, chai, bright orange sweatshirt to protect me from hunters, fall colors, snow (??--oh, could I be so lucky?!), a bonfire, candles, writing by lantern light, the sound of howling wolves, wild flower bouquets, a stack of my favorite books, words that bring me one step closer to accomplishing a major goal...

I know...this sounds way too enjoyable to be an act of bravery. Right? Well, for me, working on my thesis is possibly the most extreme act of bravery out there. The travel, the woods, the time to myself...well, that's just padding to make the experience more pleasurable. Hey--no one said bravery had to be torturous. ;)

~~~
ps.
Going out of town twice with only a couple days in between has left me far behind with reading blogs and writing emails. Please forgive me. I look forward to catching up with all of you soon!

a post to bury the last post.

I woke up this morning with the desire to delete last night's blog entry. Why? Well, mostly because it's slightly pathetic and also because I know that the only way to get a better job is to just do the work. There is also the very possible possibility (mmm...I like that phrase: "possible possibility" ;)) of something extraordinary happening. You know, like I just happen to be at the right place at the right time....but, until then, there's only one way to go about this and that is to continue moving forward with patience and perseverance.

Perseverance--yep, there's that Julia Cameron word again. Whenever I think of that word, I think of her book, Finding Water. Granted, many of us had a hard time getting through the book. Nevertheless, it is a word that I've become strangely fond of. Don't get me wrong, perseverance isn't all things should be. I want a certain amount of spark and charm and magic to be included in my days as well.

And speaking of books...there's another book that I have been enjoying immensely lately which is Sabrina Ward Harrison's The True and the Questions: A Journal. If you're doing the Be Brave project, or even if you're not, there's a greatly inspiring section, "Leaving Ripples," (page 24-49) that I highly suggests visiting. Well, actually, the entire book is worth visiting, but that chapter is especially centered around the notion of bravery.

One thing that amazes me the most about doing one thing that scares me every day is how each little action creates a ripple effect in all other aspects of my life. I am finding this project to be a very big lesson in the connectivity of all things. I start thinking about how I want one thing to turn out and realize that it has a lot to do how this other thing turns out has a lot to do with this has a lot to do with that. It is quite mind boggling, to be honest. And if I didn't have to get ready to go to work in the next 5 minutes, I would love to try and write more about this. Alas, I do not have time.

Instead I am going to perform an experiment today to see how many people I can get to smile. And, in turn, I'm going to see how many times their smiles make me smile. And if my smile makes someone else smile....well, see where I'm going with this?... :)

job search 101.

Now that I've returned from vacation...I've also returned to the job hunt. This is my act of bravery for the day. 3 hours of shuffling through websites and more website and a few want ads. This seems small, but it was the necessary step that I needed to take today because the whole process can seem endless and I sometimes become irrationally disappointed in myself that I'm not able to make something happen overnight. Then I remind myself that, however long it might take, I promise not to give up because, let's face it, big changes rarely happen instantaneously.

Now I'm going to do my second scary thing for the day and humble myself by asking you, dear readers, to offer up your advice. I feel stupid for not being genetically preprogrammed with this information, but...

How does one go about finding a job that is both fulfilling AND pays well??? A job that both satisfies the heart AND pays the bills??? These jobs are out there. But how do I find them? How do I narrow my search into something even remotely manageable?

I'm serious. I want to hear your suggestions--the real, down to earth sort of suggestions.

There. I've made myself look like a bumbling idiot. Now let's see what becomes of it...

Thank you.
;)

returning home...

I've come to the conclusion that my poor quality scanner does not like copying images done in oil pastel (or more like anything at all). However, five days without internet and posting these pages from my journal is the best I have to offer.

I keep a journal on a regular basis, but I must say, I especially enjoyed drawing and writing the musings of my mind these past several days. Besides drinking my morning cup of coffee, it was the one thing that I did religiously and with great anticipation every day. I missed blogs and blogging, but the Be Brave project never left my mind, not even once. {click the image on the left if you want to read the condensed version of what I did every day.}

The cabin we stayed in was built by an artist in the 1950's. It began as his studio and later grew into a home for his wife and two daughters. His paintings still grace each and every wall. Actually, there was not one element of that cabin that didn't, in some way, reflect the creative mind that built it. How could I help but be endlessly inspired? I spent much of my time alternating between drawing, writing, reading, hiking, and generally just breathing it all in.

...and let me just say:
It was hard to come back.
Very hard.

I learned something about myself this week--much more than I can verbalize in this quick little homecoming post. What I can say is that I've found something worth working towards. I realized this past week that, although there are many things that I love about the city, I am not, ultimately, meant to live in one. I love noting the changing colors in a constantly changing sky, walking under the cover of trees, in the wind, under the sun, in the rain, taking in the smells of leaves and moss, the sounds of birds and chipmunks, the unexpected colors of a mushroom or wildflower--this is when I feel truly alive. Under these conditions, I feel myself smile; I feel the blood beneath my skin; I am more aware of the muscles that hold my body together and the flow of thoughts that come from feeling connected to my body and the world I walk through.

{Click on images to read the larger than life version.}

Day 1:

Day 2:

Day 3:

Day 4:
(yes, sorry, i felt the need to crop the dark musings
of my mind--nonetheless, it is a path into a dark forest.
you can make up the rest from there.)

Day 5:

Spirit Haven.

At the moment, I am sitting on a stool in a garden shop, melting in this unseasonably hot and humid October weather. I’m trying to think positive thoughts like: sultry, tropical, __(?)__. But it’s not working. Instead, I am daydreaming of the Arctic Circle and wondering how far north I’ll have to move in order to enjoy the coolness that autumns once were. hmmph. Oh, cool crisp autumnal air—where are you?!

Since the weather is not cooperating with my seasonal expectations, I am happy to say that, early tomorrow morning, V. and I will be packing up the car with dogs and books and warm sweaters and heading for the cooler weather of Northern Minnesota. Five whole days of nothing but relaxing in a rented little cabin along the shores of Lake Superior—our own private sanctuary to nestle ourselves in front of the fireplace, cook elaborate meals, snuggle our four-legged babies, go for long hikes along trails carpeted with the golden leaves of aspen, read, write, paint, dream, cat nap, watch sunrises, and sunsets, canoe out into the crystal expanse of a lake that feels as big as an ocean, sip wine, and generally just leave it all behind.

For the past several days I’ve been thinking about how I might continue this “Be Brave” project while away on a vacation and (gasp!) away from the internet! I love all the small changes that are taking place within me and, despite this eagerly awaited vacation, I feel the desire to stay connected to the experience of bravery on a daily basis.

So my plan is to bring my journal—to muse, contemplate, and generally write my happy little head off. Perhaps I’ll go rock climbing or take a dive into hypothermic waters or walk in the woods dressed only in stars. Who knows? ;) Or maybe I’ll ask myself a few difficult questions and expect from myself only honest answers. We’ll see. This is, after all, a vacation and adventures are always easier to find when one is removed from life’s daily-ness

The only unfortunate detail of going so very far far away into the magical woods of a world without internet, is that I won’t be able to keep up with YOUR brave experiences. However, know that I am thinking of you, that I’m sending you well-wishes, and that I am looking forward to catching up with all of you as soon as I return!

Adios, my friends! :)

little bits and pieces gathering to make the whole...

Today is the 8th day of bravery. Already 8 days? The first week was especially intense--tense muscles, restless sleep, tight jaw--it was truly, truly intense. Mostly I think it was the realization that, holy shit, things might actually CHANGE! I mean, I've been wanting change for a long, long time, but wanting it and making it happen are two completely different things now, aren't they.

I will say, however, that I think I really needed the break I took last night to celebrate with Vinny. I've been pushing myself forward every day and feeling wonderful about all of it. Last night the world looked different to me. I mean, in a really big way I felt like a whole new person, as though, if I really, really wanted to, I could make ANYTHING happen just be doing it. Everything felt slightly surreal and... possible!

Maybe it was all the rain and the unseasonably tropical weather or last night's champagne or..., but today felt softer in comparison to all the other days of this project. I felt more grateful, more beautiful, more generous, more voluptuous, more grounded, more blessed, more earthy, more sacred, more of everything. But today the notion settled in that it is not just about taking the first step. It's also about following through.

One of the biggest reasons for starting this project is that I really, really want a house of our own. I want to be able to paint the walls all the wild, saturated colors of the rainbow. I want to create gardens. I want to hang a hundred pieces of art on the walls. I want to do a lot of things that you just can't do in a place that you rent. Most especially, I want to grow roots. Beyond that, there are many layers and intricacies underlying my desire to move on.

What if we all did one thing every day that scares us? I'm reading your blogs and am thinking: Just imagine how much we could do! But it's a process, isn't it. We might work up the courage to get started...but it doesn't end there. Step one is connected to step two, requires step three and then, one day, wallah! We've manifested a dream!

Today, in all honesty, I'm not sure what I did. But if I were to be kind to myself, I suppose this might be considered a pretty good start:

• I ate about 50% LESS food than I normally would in the course of a day. I was afraid that I would get really hungry and uncomfortable. It turns out that I'm only a little bit hungry and not uncomfortable at all. Actually, I'm instead finding unexpected reserves of energy.
• I judged someone by the way she looked (high heels, expensive dress, manicured nails, British accent, expensive smelling perfume) and took her to be something of a snob...but decided to give her a chance and once we started talking it turned out she was just dressed up for a wedding and was totally weirded out by the heels she was wearing. In the end, I realized that she was wonderful and interesting. But, you know, it can be scary to open yourself up to someone who might possibly look down on you.
• Thanks to a friend, I emailed an editor and included a link to my blog. Silly, but true. ;)
• I "cut a deal" to exchange artwork for web design--and I am feeling wonderfully happy about this because I love her work and am already planning to hang a display of her incredible India photos on the walls of our someday-new-home.
  
• I started reading Women Who Run With the Wolves. I thought I had a copy, but couldn't find it so I bought another one. I spent a large part of the day thinking about the word WILD. WILDNESS. WILDERNESS. and about what it means to me. I realized that, to me, it means EVERYTHING.
• I took some time to mentally "re-group." I thought about what direction I actually want to take all of this in. I don't want to commit blindless acts of bravery just for the sake of doing something "scary," rather for the more important sake of moving forward from the center of my heart. This is especially true in my hunt for a new job. It's not just about getting a new job, a "real" job, any job that pays more than my current job. It's about finding a job that truly suits me, challenges me, and satisfies me. Today I thought about where and when to draw the line between being scary because its thrilling and the nervousness that warns us when something just isn't right.
  
• I started thinking about wild ideas and my wildest dreams....and realized that it's all possible....every single last bit of it.
  

aniversario numero cuatro!

Let's face it, marriage is a commitment that requires a certain amount of fearlessness.

This is a photo from the day that Vinny and I were married four years ago (omg, look how much younger we were!). It was, one might say, a leap of faith. At the time, I knew that I was irreparably in love with him...but, I had no idea how deeply that love would grow with the passing of time.

We've been through a lot of very big changes in the short time we've been together, but through these changes we've always had each other.

I never thought that I would find a love like this. I really, honestly never thought I would. But the universe works in mysterious ways.

I love this man with all of my heart.

And so I want to say...

Thank you, Universe--for being so kind to me.

This guy is the best and most unexpected thing that has ever happened to me (and he makes good waffles too!).

Happy Anniversary, Vinny. You are better than anything I ever could have dreamed of.


Scary thing for the day: Dress up and go out to eat at a restaurant that requires the use of more silverware than I know what to do with! Oh, it was divine!! :)

Lessons from my wolfie...

I was nearly late for work today because my wolfie, Anu, caught a squirrel in the back yard. I don't mean to appall any of my dear readers, but, oh, she was so proud of it! Anu didn't want to leave it behind and she definitely didn't want to share her prize with Louis, the pup...and so going for a quick morning walk became much more complicated than it needed to be. Finally, I convinced her that I wouldn't let Louis have it and that it would be okay to leave it behind. She abandoned her fat urban catch with a rather large dose of reluctance. But, the entire walk, she carried herself with such dignity and satisfaction that I couldn't help but smile and be a little proud of her too.

You see, Anu spent the first 7 years of her life out in the country. We had 40 acres connected to a couple more thousand acres of state land. She was never chained up and very rarely kenneled. Although she was always good about staying home, she was free to play and roam and do as she pleased. There was nothing that I loved more than watching her in her element--such incredible beauty she possesses!

Two years ago we left our place in the country, first for a medium sized town, and then for a full-fledged city. We've done our best to replace her countryside freedoms with long and frequent walks and she has adjusted well.

But today...oh, I sensed a wild and natural part of her spirit return and it made me wish so badly that we could live out in the country once again. Her stride was more confident and her eyes more lively. Such a profound shift occurred within her because of just one quick action--and, I must say, Anu's renewed sense of instinctual wildness really sparked something deep inside of me as well.

As we walked, I thought about the book Women Who Run With the Wolves and decided that I would like to dig it out from the dusty confines of my bookshelf and read it once again. It's been years since I've done anything with it except pack and unpack it, and pack and unpack it, yet again.

Because I live and interact, feed and love and walk with Anu every day, I sometimes forget how incredible it is that I have a real live wolf as part of my family. Many people are lucky if they see one in the wild or maybe in the zoo...but I have one sitting right beside me.

A couple of weeks ago I was fortunate enough to meet one of my personal heroes, Tamar Geller. She is a dog trainer whose recent book, The Loved Dog, has been getting a lot of attention (as it should!). If you have a dog or are thinking about getting one or know someone that does, please! Read this book.

Tamar is an incredible woman with an incredible gift. Watching her read and talk and listen nearly brought me to tears--because she is someone who is truly living out her purpose in life. Talk about inspiring! Perhaps one of the most remarkable things about her is that she has traveled a rough road to get to where she is now. I haven't had the words to write about it until now, but meeting her had a profound effect on me. I mean, she is just a regular person, but she is doing such remarkable things--just by living from her heart. She is a voice that speaks for animals who are unable to speak for themselves. I know I'm leaving a lot out, but in order to keep this post from expanding into oblivion... (or is it already too late for that?)

A brief synopsis: Tamar is from Israel where she trained in the military intelligence. But, while assigned to live at a camp in the desert, she began to study wolves in order to pass the time. She later based all of her training techniques on the behaviors of wolves that she observed during that time. And now, no longer in the military, her life is dedicated to training dogs, not through dominance and negative control, but with absolute and unconditional LOVE.

We've trained Louis with these techniques and have been absolutely amazed by how quickly he learned. He felt like such a super star! Of course it goes without saying that, when we found out that Tamar was going to be in Minneapolis, we couldn't wait to meet her!

After her book reading and a wonderfully long Q&A session, we got in line to have our copy of the book signed. When it was our turn, I showed her 2 photos--one of Louis, the pup--and one of Anu. When we told her that Anu was half wolf she stopped, took a gasp of breath, and with her beautiful Israeli accent exclaimed: "You mean she's wolf! Like really FIFTY PERCENT WOLF?!"

She couldn't get over it and it was obvious that she had fallen absolutely and completely in love with her. Through Tamar's reaction I was reminded once again just who lucky I am to have such a wild, loving, and beautiful creature in my life. Sometimes I forget how blessed I am by her wolfishness--but, more often, that is exactly what I love about her the most. Anu is one of the greatest teachers in my life. And this morning was just one more strange reminder of that.

Since I was running late, I felt rushed and couldn't decide what my act of bravery should be for the day (as though picking out something scary were like picking out a sweater! ha!). Everything I thought of felt too easy, as though it would be a cop-out. But then, as I was carrying flowers out to the sidewalk at work, it dawned on my that, something that I've been wanting to do, but have been avoiding because of my own ridiculous insecurities, is to line up an art show at the coffee shop next door.

I promised myself that the next time I saw B., the coffee shop owner, I would make myself ask him about it.

A whole MILLI-SECOND later, there he was!...asking me if I had gotten my coffee yet. DING! I felt the alarm go off inside me as a little voice in my head yelled: "Ask him now! Do it! Now!"

And so I did it.
~~~
And he agreed immediately without even a second thought.
Ha!

I've been putting this off for weeks! Months!
And all I had to do was ask. Simple.

I had all these fears of indifference or rejection or who-knows-what built up around having a show and when I finally surprised myself by putting myself out there... well, it was so easy that it feels like cheating! :)-

So anyway, I have a show lined up for March.

Funny how easy it can be to get what you want...once you get past yourself, that is!

The "Be Brave" Project.

ORIGINAL POST (October 2, 2007):

Last week I wrote a post here announcing my commitment to doing one thing every day that scares me and asked others to join in. Because of the incredible response that I have received from friends and fellow bloggers, I have decided to create a badge as well as write a post explaining this project to anyone who might want to know more about it.

This project was inspired by the words of Eleanor Roosevelt:

Do
one
thing
every
day
that
scares
you.

One day, while shopping for art supplies, I found a card with this quote on it and thought of my mom...but then the unexpected happened and the idea just wouldn't leave me alone. Eleanor's words seemed to be exactly what I needed to help me get out the rut I had somehow gotten myself in. I figured, what's to lose? Should it surprise me that amazing things have already started to happen?

I have been a part of creative blogging communities in the past and I am always blown away by the power that emerges when a diverse group of people come together--especially when joined by a common thread. And that is why I asked others to join me in this project--so that we can remind each other to be brave on a regular basis. So that we can offer support. So that we can be each others' believing mirrors.

I have committed to doing one thing that scares me every day for a month. I started on September 27, 2007. However, because Halloween is such a perfect day to celebrate a month worth of adventurous living, I've decided to continue the project until October 31st. And, if I learn anything at all in doing this, I will continue with acts of bravery well beyond any date that I might set for myself.

Here's the rules:

• (most important:) MAKE YOUR OWN RULES.
• Do this for yourself.
• Make a commitment for the length of time that best suites YOUR needs--one day, one month, one year, one moment...it's all up to you, and you alone. ;)
  
• The "brave" or "scary" things that you choose to do can be as big or little as you want them to be. Sometimes it's the little things that can be the most scary!
• (not to quote Nike, but...) Just do it.
• Be on your own schedule. You don't need to make a commitment until YOU are ready.
• This is your unique journey--make it whatever you want it to be.
  

Also, per Maddie's suggestion, I've created a badge for the "Be Brave" project (see image at top of post). If you want to participate, I invite you to add it to your blog. In order to get the image to link back to this post, the html code is:

<br /><br/><a href="http://ravenn.blogspot.com/2007/10/be-brave-project.html"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5116904848277971282" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhR6x75gzEVQliQuMZXwEtvjhl-8TkrBfuijWnP3B41yB-InPzbPg3ZUJmf0eq5AEcwLeRnjpe7QjkuzUF4qcGe6MSlFYJdFogiEAxPBffqbCra3uDTi-PR_mD7qjSyevfRKjfJ/s320/bebrave.jpg" /></a><br /><br />

Here's to moving forward. And to living a little bit more adventurously in the process!

Be Brave!

* * *

UPDATED POST (July 8, 2008):

Dear Friends,

Back in October of 2007 (oh, that sounds like such a long time ago) I decided to start a new project and invited any one who was interested to join me. Little did I know that it would CHANGE MY LIFE. In proper blogging fashion, people from all over the world decided to live their lives a little bit more bravely. The cumulative energy from so many brave individuals felt as powerful as a tidal wave, a wave that just keeps growing. I will forever be grateful for the success of the Be Brave Project because it has propelled me forward in ways I never even imagined. Maybe you have participated in this project since the beginning. Maybe you've just started. Maybe you've simply been letting the idea incubate inside of you. Or maybe this is the first you've heard of it. Whatever the case, I deeply believe that there is strength in numbers and so I once again invite you to join me in this Be Brave journey.

I began with the intentions of living by Eleanore Roosevelt's quote for one month.

"Do one thing every day that scares you."
~Eleanor Roosevelt

One thing. Just one. Every day. Turns out that it became a habit. I didn't mean for that to happen, but I'm glad that it did. Granted, committing acts of bravery has not gotten any easier--but what DID happen is that I got better at recognizing the signs of evasion. I got better at giving myself those little nudges--like jumping into water, it is never as painful as we imagine. I think it's safe to say that most of us are creatures of comfort. Why cause ourselves discomfort on purpose? Well, the point is not to be uncomfortable. The point is to MOVE FORWARD. The point is to grow and evolve. The point is to manifest your wildest desires--no matter how impossible they might seem. The point is to shine with our whole being.

And sometimes that requires incredible amounts of bravery.

These days I feel as though I have hit a bit of a crossroads, a hump, a rock, a wall...whatever it is, I'm struggling to move past it, and it feels very NECESSARY and important that I do. Over and over this quote has been finding its way back to me. And I have to tell you that it's down right weird how often and blaringly it has been popping up lately. One woman, who has no knowledge of this project, commissioned me to paint this EXACT quote on 5 feet worth of canvas to hang about her bed. Another woman, who also has no knowledge of the project, invited me to her home for a photoshoot in preparation for another commission, for a portrait of her cat and dog. Mind you, the day before I had been on the brink of giving up on myself, but then (the universe stepped in?) I unexpectedly met her on a sidewalk and, for some reason, we started talking. When I arrived at her home, there was a tall gate leading into what I can only describe as a magical place--and on the inside of the gate was, yes, you guessed it, that quote.

Then there have been the emails, the comments, the requests--dozens of them saying: Be Brave, Be Brave, Be Brave...

And so I've come to the conclusion that it is time to revisit the Be Brave Project and to invite you, once again, to join me in doing so.

I, personally, will whole-heartedly return to this project on Monday, July 21st. I've chosen that date because by then I will have finished a major project, thus opening up more time and energy for living extra bravely. And I will have just returned home, refreshed from a small vacation. For me, these are good conditions for starting out on a journey (or, in my case, continuing on a journey).

I want to make it very clear, however, that there is no beginning and no end to this project. If you decide to join in, there are no rules except for the ones you create for yourself.

We each have a different goal. We each have a different reason for calling on bravery. And we each will have a different outcome. The important thing is that you make a commitment to yourself--and then believe that the universe will support you in that commitment. It's safe to say that you will get as much out of it as you put into it. This blogging community is here as a network of cumulative energy to help propel you forward and remind you that you are not alone when the going gets rough--and it will--but I assure you that you will expand in hugely positive ways.

Here's to continued bravery!

today feels like a fresh slate.

V. and I got up early this morning for a deluxe breakfast of homemade waffles with fresh strawberries and whipped cream--on a Tuesday morning before work even! Amazing. At the moment I have a cup of coffee on one side of me and a sleeping puppy on the other. Louis' not sure why we got up so early, but he's decided that he could use a little more sleep and has snuggled in a little closer. I have never met a dog that was such a good snuggler as this little man.

Yesterday, for my act of bravery, I sat down and wrote a cover letter and updated my resume for a prospective job. Writing the cover letter totally and absolutely stressed me out. Never mind that I have a BFA in Creative and Professional Writing. It took me almost ALL day! Note, however, that I did NOT give up. My shoulders and body were so tense by the end of it that V. did the miraculous act of suggesting waffles for breakfast--which brings us back to the first paragraph--yes, we actually did it!

And the brave act for today?... Well, today I will send the cover letter and resume out into the world and see what becomes of it. Then I'm going to tie up a few lose ends that have been floating around the universe while I've been tackling all this scariness.

Doing one thing that scares me every day reminds me of hiking in the Himalayas. Some days I felt so exhilarated. Other days I felt nothing but exhaustion. And then there were all of those beautiful moments in between when I felt such a healthy combination of both!

Right now I can't decide if I want to DO EVERYTHING or if I should just go back to bed. :)- Unfortunately, the latter is not an option. That's ok though...I am well fed, I accomplished something big yesterday, and today is a fresh start. What I have in front of me is a mystery and I look forward to seeing how it will unfold.

labyrinth walking...

I'd like to say that I did something hugely scary today, but the scariest thing I did was gather the information I need to write my cover letters. I worked all day and then went over to my sister's with V. to enjoy some desert. It was a nice day filled with soft sounding rain drops and good conversation, but I am amazed by how physically/mentally/emotionally exhausting this week has been. I mean, it's only the forth day and I feel like I've been put through a meat tenderizer. I'm kind of amazed by how long its taken me to get to this point of readiness, but I fully accept that everything up until this point has been part of the learning process.

scary thing #3:

It is Day 3 of the Scare-the-Hell-Out-of-Myself project and things are really starting to pick up speed. You know the saying about "getting the ball rolling"? Well, I sort of feel like I got the ball rolling and now I'm being chased down the hill by it! Ok...maybe I'm exaggerating just a little bit. Or maybe not. It's hard to tell except that today I've found myself in a situation that is forcing me to make some decisions sooner than later. All I can say is that I am so thankful for that snake dream because it has helped me to listen to myself and hold my ground. In the past year, I've given up on myself more times than I care to count. Today I decided that I'm not going to do that again. There is much that I want to blog about, but...damn. This is the internet, after all. So I will do my best to explain myself in ambiguous code.

Today I got a genuine hearted, but insufficient offer concerning a certain situation that I am currently involved in, but that is holding me back. It so happens that I will need to make a decision soon. I wish I could explain how absolutely strange things feel to me right now. I mean, if I'm not mistaken, the Universe is actually starting to do some of the work here! Really, honestly, I can hardly believe it. I guess the Universe has decided to work it's magic and is finally giving me the push I need. Um--scary!!

Yesterday I posted a quote and there is one particular bit of it that has been on my mind all day:

"Release the outer skin of your present identity. Move through the dreamlike illusion that has insisted on static continuity, and find a new rhythm as your body glides across the sands of consciousness, like a river winding its way toward the great waters of the sea. Immerse yourself in that water, and know that the single droplet which you represent is being accepted by the whole."

I thought a lot about what it would mean to follow my own flow and what that might tangibly translate into, in terms of my day to day life. I ended up taking a long walk with the dogs tonight because I needed some breathing space in order to think. As I walked, I also tried to think of what scary thing I would try to do today. You know, it's kind of hard doing something scary every day when you work all day and don't have extra money to spend. This is one detail that I hadn't thought through very well. With only a few hours left of my day, what was I going to do? The sound of leaves scuffling across the road scared me. The sound of an urban raccoon in the tree across the street scared me. So I kept walking.

I admit though, that I love walking with the dogs at night when the streets are so much more quiet, but it has been a while since I have been able relaxed into it. The air outside is warm and windy. It smells of earth and leaves. Autumn. Magic. Calm. Once I gave into it, I wanted to walk forever. I let my mind wander as the dogs walked in perfect unison, side by side (blessedly wonderful, but rare, perfection!).

And that's when it happened: I felt myself make a decision. Not about what scary thing I should do today, but about the big scary decision I had been turning over in my head all day. I mean, I felt it physically. My heart sort of sped up and felt fluttery for a few seconds and I smiled into the dark woods and thought to myself: ok--I'm gonna do this! Yes, making a decision felt thrilling! :)

So I came back home and followed through on scary thing #3: Found 2 jobs that will double my income. Next scary thing: write cover letters.

Heck, even writing this post is scary. Now I actually have to write those cover letters. Oh, sweet fear! I feel like I'm being catapulted. Know what I mean? Have you ever felt that way?

Day 2:

…and I’m going to try and chronicle this month long journey from beginning to end— whether it be encouraging or ridiculous, passionate or indifferent.

{Thank you so much to those of you have already responded by either joining in or offering your support. This is oddly and incredibly exciting to me! I'll create a side bar link for those of you crazy enough to join me one of these days very soon. Also, I think it is important to suggest that each of us create our own "self contracts" (or whatever you might think of it as) in order to make sure this commitment serves the best purpose for each individual.}

I’ve been dreaming a lot lately, but last night they were especially vivid. I dreamed of a snake, but not just any snake. It was a boa constrictor at least 8 inches in diameter and longer than myself by several times. If there’s one thing I’m afraid of, it’s snakes. How fitting, wouldn’t you say?

I was in my 11^th grade English class. Why there? I have no idea. Perhaps because it is the place that I first experienced a healthy sense of passion and my own inner power? I loved that class. I loved that room. And, strangely enough, that particular class has a lot to do with who I’ve become.

It was nice being there again…except for one thing: the snake.

In the dream, the snake and I were face to face. It stood up on the strong curves of its body and put its large head under my chin and pushed my head to look skyward in a gesture of challenge. The snake was forceful. Fierce. I winced and gritted my teeth in pain as he bit through the nails and skin of both my thumbs. But I didn’t make a sound. I wouldn’t back down. It hurt like hell.

I was well aware of the fact that he was a boa constrictor and could easily wrap himself around me. I was horrified by the thought of being trapped in the snake’s grip. He could crush me, but worse, he could surround and enclose my body, my mind. He could steal my breath away. But, at the same time, I knew he wouldn’t. And so I held my ground.

Eventually, the snake released my thumbs from its grip. We looked hard into each others eyes. And then?

I walked away.

There were other people in the room, but only in the periphery of my vision. The pain in my thumbs was intense. I felt angry, but much more than that, I felt a sense of success, self-confidence, strength.

I woke up and my thumbs nails still hurt intensely. I was confused. I looked for the pup. Did he bite me? But he was curled at my side sound asleep. I looked for V., but he was also sound asleep. And then I realized that it was only a dream.

Before leaving for work I decided to look up the meaning of the snake. I dug around in my closet in search of the animal spirit cards that I haven’t looked at in over a year, unwrapped the fabric that I had carefully folded them in, and lifted the first card from the top of the deck: the snake. No, I'm not kidding. The first card I pulled was the snake! My jaw dropped.

~ ~ ~

This is what I learned about the snake today:

{Snake Symbology}:
transformation, healing, sexuality, clairvoyance, rebirth.

“The power of snake medicine is the power of creation" ~Sams and Carson pg 61*

The transmutation of the life-death-rebirth cycle is exemplified by the shedding of Snake’s skin. It is the energy of wholeness, cosmic consciousness, and the ability to experience anything willingly and without resistance. It is the knowledge that all things are equal in creation, and that those things which might be experienced as poison can be eaten, ingested, integrated, and transmuted if one has the proper state of mind.

This medicine teaches you on a personal level that you are a universal being. Through accepting all aspects of your life, you can bring about the transmutation of the fire medicine. This fire energy, when functioning on the material plane, creates passion, desire, procreation, and physical vitality. On the emotional plane, it becomes ambition, creation, resolution, and dreams. On the mental plane it becomes intellect, power, charisma, and leadership. When the Snake energy reaches the spiritual plane, it becomes wisdom, understanding, wholeness, and connection to the Great Spirit. If you have chosen this symbol, there is a need within you to transmute some thought, action, or desire so that wholeness may be achieved. This is very heavy magic, but remember, magic is no more than a change in consciousness. ~Sams and Carson pg 61-62*

The cards also say that the snake represents masking ones ability to change.

Look at the idea that you may fear changing your present state of affairs because this may entail a short passage into discomfort. Does this discomfort keep your from assuming the viewpoint of the magician within? Is the old pattern safe, reliable, and a rut? In order to glide beyond that place which has become safe but nonproductive, become Snake. Release the outer skin of your present identity. Move through the dreamlike illusion that has insisted on static continuity, and find a new rhythm as your body glides across the sands of consciousness, like a river winding its way toward the great waters of the sea. Immerse yourself in that water, and know that the single droplet which you represent is being accepted by the whole. ~Sams and Carson 62*

To be honest, this all really blows my mind away. I do not doubt that my snake dream was directly related to yesterdays decision to reach past my fears. I mean, really, can it all get any more blatant?! The emotions in my dream were powerful (fear, anger, uncertainty)...but I walked away from the snake with a feeling of full-heartedness and empowerment. The snake taught me to keep my head up and to hold my ground. The snake taught me to respect myself. The snake showed me...that I am capable of this. We all are, really.

Today I: Emailed someone that placed an add for a portrait artist. Well paid. Who, me? Hey, it's worth a try. What do I have to lose?

*from Medicine Cards by Jamie Sams and David Carson

living adventurously.

While in an art supply store a couple of weeks ago, I spotted a card with this quote by Eleanore Roosevelt. I immediately thought of my mom and decided that I would buy it for her. Her life has been undergoing so many transformations lately. I hope to see her spread her wings out and fly--fearlessly. But you know how it is...sometimes we need reminding. I brought the card home with intentions of sending it right away, but somehow it found itself propped up against my vision board. For two weeks it's been sitting there nestled among images of the things I've been dreaming of...a new home, a light-filled studio space, a healthier body, continued studies in art, woods and leaves, water, words...

And it didn't take long for it to dawn on me that these words are just as important for me as they are for my mom. I've been meditating on this quote ever since. Not on purpose, but because it keeps working its way up to the top of my thoughts.

These days, I've been paying a lot of attention to myself. I've been noticing my breath, the way my body holds stress...or releases it. I've been paying attention to the roles I play in life, the things I desire, and the thoughts and emotions that pass through me in the course of a day. It's been getting pretty hard to ignore that, lately, I've been doing an awfully good job at holding myself back.

I haven't finished my thesis because I'm scared of writing crap. I haven't gotten serious about getting a new job because I'm scared that I won't know how to do something new. I don't dive head first into my artwork or web design because I'm scared it might not pan out as well as I'd like it to--and, let's face it, bills need to be paid. Here I thought I was all done with being afraid of things (oh, fearless me!)...but I guess fear has a sneaky way of creating obstacles and peeking in the windows. These fears don't really feel like fear. It's much more subconscious than this. But, nonetheless, I have been holding back from the forward movement that I find myself increasingly ready for.

And that's the key, isn't it: being ready. I have been feeling so much negativity over certain circumstances of my life. Uh-em...maybe it is time for a change?

Anyway, I sat down today and wrote my mom the longest letter that I've ever written her while on the same side of the globe. It occurred to me that my mom is just as wonderful as any friend or fellow blogger and, since there is always strength in numbers, why not do this together?! I think that, in the end, that quote was really meant for both of us. There's a lot of back story that I'm leaving out, but what it boils down to is that we inspired each other to take a leap of faith, each in our own way. But it's a process, isn't it. I made space for change...but now it's time to actually create the change!

Since this morning, something inside of me has shifted.

So here it is...
When I sat down to write that letter to my mom, I decided that, starting today, I am going to do one thing that scares me every day for a month.

I recently committed to doing a painting a day for one month and well...maybe I'm on a roll. Why lose the momentum now? Don't get me wrong, there were plenty of days that I really didn't feel like painting--but energy is a wonderful thing when creative forces come together. Karen, Leah, Elizabeth, Olivia, and Sheri joined me in the commitment in making art. They kept me inspired over and over and over again. There is strength in numbers--yes, it's true!

Starting today I am committing to doing one thing that scares me every day. It can be big or small or anything in between. I might apply for a job that I think is out of my league or I might write just one paragraph of my thesis. I might try a new painting technique or go shopping for more professional looking clothes. I might take a computer class or make more of an effort to learn on my own. I might do anything...but the point is that it should feel scary or thrilling or both! Wanna join me?

What did I do today?

I committed to this.
And asked you to join me.
Which makes this commitment all the more
REAL.

What am I going to do tomorrow?

I'm going to respond to an add for a portrait artist.

After that?

That's the fun part. ;)
Who knows!

The Gift

"Acorn Gift"
6"x6" Original Acrylic on Canvas
~~~

"Fragile Gift"
6"x6" Original Acrylic on Canvas
~~~

"Seed Pod Gift"
6"x6" Original Acrylic on Canvas
~~~

A couple of weeks ago I received a very special gift of two bird eggs from a wonderful friend. They are so very fragile and beautiful--and have caused me to notice the natural world around me not only in finer detail, but in a more meaningful way. Early one morning, while walking wolfie and the pup, I found a mysteriously spotted seed pod and a dark, dark brown acorn. I slipped them into the warmth of my pocket and carried them home to my studio where I immediately went to work with paint brush and canvas.

To me, these paintings represent the gift of friendship, love, strength, beauty, fragility, mystery, growth...

Each item embodies the endless cycle of life and death and life. Are we really so different from an egg or an acorn or a seed pod? One can look for a long time at something, but it truly amazes me how the whole world shifts once we start paying attention.

~~~

Newest Etsy additions can be found here (more images will be up soon!).

with love, to and from the universe.

I went on a real live "artist's date" today and it was fabulous. Seriously fabulous. I returned to writing morning pages about a week ago and I guess one thing just lead to another. Morning pages and artist's dates go together nicely, kind of like wine and chocolate...but, more specifically, I've come to the necessary conclusion that I needed to take some time to switch gears or I was going to burn out completely. Through journaling, I realize that I have been spinning my wheels in the exact same spot over the exact same issues for so long now that I've spun my way down into some awfully deep ruts. I realized that I needed a break from my habitual self because I have worn myself so thin that there is just about nothing left of me.

Today I should have been working on my thesis. I should have been working on a website. I should have done laundry. I should have done lots of things. But instead... I thoroughly enjoyed the day and It. Was. Lovely!

In no specific order I...

• Visited one of my favorite galleries and bought a very cool ceramic cup just the right size for a double espresso. I've dubbed it my art inspiration cup.
• Ran into my dear friend, Ellen (who I worked with at the bookstore and have been missing incredibly!)...purely by accident.
• Lingered over beautiful clothes, luxurious tea cups, and sweet smelling candles at Anthropologie.
• Sat in the back yard and wrote while my wolfie and pup played hard, especially loving it when they took turns to come and rest up against my legs.
• Went out to lunch at an Indian restaurant all by my peacefully quiet lonesome and, after the meal, enjoyed a very delicious cup of chai. For one hour I was in India, if only in my imagination.
• Went paper and card shopping, taking the time to drink in plenty of color, texture, and inspiration.
• Thought about my friends all day.
• Watched Oprah for the first time in, oh, about 15 years. I respect her much more now than I did then.
• Worked on a series of three paintings while drinking a perfect cup of coffee from my new inspiration cup (see first item on list). I'm sure the cup will turn into a painting of its own one of these days soon.
  
• Got lots of new ideas for more paintings.
• Saw butterflies everywhere (seriously, everywhere!) and smiled a big smile each time because it made me think of a very beautiful friend. It was uncanny, actually. I guess I was meant to think of her often today. ;)
• Decided to go camping with my dogs one of these days very soon.
• Worked on a website with V. and edited some content.
• Kept my eyes and heart open for something new...and was surprised several times by what I found.
• Drove all over this lil' metropolis and back again without getting lost--something that I wasn't able to do when I moved here a year ago.
• Had a wonderful, but short, telephone conversation with M.
• Took the dogs for a walk in Sherwood Forest.
  
• Enjoyed a thunderstorm.
• Cooked a very big, very delicious Greek meal.
• Experienced large amounts of love.
  
• Snuggled my beautiful black cat (presently).

Did I miss anything? Really, when it comes down to it, my entire day has been one big artist's date. I feel extremely rejuvenated. I breathed deep and took time to touch, taste, see, smell, and just generally enjoy things. I live in the city, but rarely take the time to take advantage of everything it has to offer. Yesterday I wrote in my morning pages that I needed a change of perspective. Today, me thinks, was exactly the sort of perspective shift I was looking for.

can i just leave this post untitled, please?

today i stepped on a sundial. yes, a sundial. i know you're probably thinking: how the hell does one step on a sundial? well, you see, we are getting ready for winter at the garden shop which means that we have a lot of products to rearrange, haul, flip over, cover, and generally protect from the snow and ice than i can only hope will be here soon. i was moving a bunch of (very heavy) water fountains to a more protected area in our back garden. of course, to do this, i had to move a bunch of other stuff to make room for them. including the sundial. it was grey. i sat it down next to where i was working on the grey rocks. i forgot about it, took a step back in my stupid little flip-flops, and WALLAH! F*#%ing hell. yes, it hurt. no, it wasn't the same sundial that i have so conveniently borrowed from wikipedia, but close enough...you get the picture, right?

i covered the bottom of my foot in too small bandaids and carried on. luckily i didn't need stitches. luckily i only jabbed through about ten layers of skin and it stopped there. luckily schmuckily.

but now that i'm done complaining (thank you for listening), i'll survive.

in other news...we got a big delivery of pumpkins, straw, and corn husks. good god, it was beautiful! ok, someone please tell me...when did my life get this weird??? but let's face it: pumpkins bring happiness. anyway, half our block was filled with the happiness of bright color. orange! orange orange! entire busloads of kids squealed with delight. i kid you not, the whole neighborhood lit up with smiles and excitement. strangers waved at me and smiled. i beamed smiles right back. it was wonderful and so never mind that it was in the 90's today (ok, i might be exaggerating, but it felt like it!). autumnal antisipation is in the air.

and on a non-work related note...
if i could do anything in the world, i would:

• sew my own very cool, very funky clothes
• paint a huge painting
• and then another
• and another
• travel back to india
• and british columbia
• and san franciso
• and the mountains down south (which mountains are those?) :)-
  
• live in a renovated barn
• out in the country
• with a getaway in the city
• take a class at MCAD
• and the loft
• and read approximately 500 books (or so...)
• then write at least a dozen letters
• fill a few journals
  
• and doodle the hell out of my moleskine japanese album
• buy lots of soap and paper
  
• i'd go camping, just me and my dogs
• drive an old truck (with louis as my cohort, of course!)
  
• paint my walls blue or fuscia or red or orange or...
• and the ceilings
• and the floors
• and a big, magical mural

that's a good start, anyway. what about you?

finding inner peace.

I've been starting to feel like I am moving through life in hyper-speed and it has caused an anxious little egg to open up in my chest that sometimes takes my breath away. Things have begun to feel messy and blurry and when this happens I start feeling incredibly disconnected from my life.

A couple days ago I received a journal that I bought from Melba. I already have a journal started, a big thick one that I am about 3/4 of the way through. I love the journal I've been using (it is like an old friend) but it's been filling up with so many expectations and negative thoughts that I decided that I would break in Melba's journal early and return to morning pages.I've decided to make Melba's journal my sacred space--it is beautiful. When I first got it I spent a lot of time just looking at all of its details. I can actually feel her energy within its pages and it inspires me to use it as a space to explore my thoughts and feelings on a deeper and more sacred level.

Today I ended up filling 8 pages instead of the 3 that I set out to write. I could have written more except that something came up and I had to stop. As I filled up line after line within the pages of this fresh journal I became aware of a lot of new things. It seems that I am in the process of learning how to take my negative energy and turn it into something more useful. Yes, it is a learning. process. But lately I have noticed that I am getting better at it. I feel closer to myself than I have in some time. Of course, I get off track on a daily basis, but like I said: it's a process.

I've been spending a lot of time lately making lists of things that I need to do. These are separate lists from the ones I wrote about earlier. These are the kind of lists that don't do much except cause me stress because there is no way on earth I could possibly accomplish all of it.

I have these lists rattling around in my head from the time I get up until the time I go to bed. The work load that I've set out for myself stretches out in 10 directions. I go to bed too late, toss and turn all night, and then wake up too early trying to figure out what order the next items on the list should be in. It's ridiculous.

Through journaling today I came to the realization that I've been setting myself up to feel failure on a daily basis. It starts out early in the morning and then carries on throughout the day. In the end, I usually feel like I'm not doing much other than spinning my wheels--what's the point of this?

I often try to take on major projects before work and then am barely able to get started before it's time to leave. Endless frustration. I decided today that I would own up to the fact that my morning time would be better spent doing morning pages and taking the dogs for an extra long walk. It would be a much more positive start to my day--centering, energizing, relaxing. I never get the other stuff done anyway, so why torture myself with it?

Tomorrow our landlord is coming over to meet someone who will be painting the house. Even though we always keep the house fairly clean, I've been feeling slightly obsessed about making it spotless from top to bottom (why do I care?). I told Vinny over the phone this afternoon that I was frustrated because I had so much to do before I go to bed tonight. He reminded me that the house isn't even that dirty. It dawned on me that it wasn't the house that was so horrible, it was the state of my mind. And so I decided to approach cleaning as though it were mental housekeeping.

I decided I would enjoy dinner, play music, and instead of stressing out about whatever, I would instead just look forward to the fact that I would be able to enjoy a clean, peaceful, and comfortable environment when I was done. I also decided that after cleaning, rather than plod my way through the next thing on my list, I would instead take a nice hot bath (inspired by this post--Melba inspired, once again!). It has been months since I've taken a bath--something that I used to do on a regular basis. What happened?!

In the end, I succeeded in cleaning the house from top to bottom (yes, all 3 floors!). I lit candles, put on some Loreena McKennit (oh, I forgot how much I love her music), added "Inspiration" bath salts (that Vinny brought home for me the other day--he is such a sweet man), brought up a book and a bottle of water and ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....let my craziness slip away. It was wonderful.

Meanwhile, Louis and Vinny watched TV.


All in all...I'd say it turned out to be a pretty good day. I asked the universe to take good care of me tonight. I'd say the universe did a pretty good job.

intentional balance.

I've just spent the past several hours reacquainting myself with my thesis. I started over this past spring, gained momentum, and then inadvertently abandoned it later in the summer. I let myself get consumed by painting and, despite thesis set-backs, I am thankful for the time and mental space away from my self-imposed boot camp. Even so, I am feeling like today has already been a waste. It has been so long since I've even looked at my thesis that I actually had to look for the neglected file folders. After considerable amounts of searching, I found it in a pile of papers. Should it surprise me that it was at the very bottom of the pile?

Last night I went to bed thinking: "Yes! Tomorrow I will sit down and write an entire essay!" But then I got up this morning, made coffee, sat down, and reality set in. I couldn't remember what I had already written! Ok...what I am realizing in this moment is that I need to cut myself some slack. So I spent half the day re-entering my writing. Isn't this in itself an accomplishment?

For no particular reason, I deserted my thesis when I reached the half-way mark. I started painting, took on more hours at the garden shop, and have been otherwise consumed by multiple web design projects. These are all good things and so I am not complaining. But I started to feel overwhelmed. One thing that I would really like to learn from my husband is how to focus. That is one thing (along with cooking) that he is really good at. Maybe it's just easier for men to focus. I could theorize on why this might be--but what's the point? All I know is that I want to learn how to focus on just one thing at a time and not let the rest pull me into a frozen state of inefficiency.

Today V. sent me an email with a link for weekend workshops that are put together by the Minnesota DNR. Not that I need any more hobbies, but one workshop that interests me in particular is archery. There's a photo of a woman shooting an arrow that especially caught my eye (see page 8). She is lean, strong, and perfectly focused. This image resonated with me on a very deep level and that is when I remembered that I have my mom's old bow sitting down in my basement collecting dust. Both my mother and grandmother were bow hunters. I used to go bow hunting with my dad when I was little--that is, until he shot a deer. As my dad leveled his bow and took aim, it was all my tender little animal heart could do not to scream to the deer: "Run! Run!" Even now I have no desire to hunt. Still, the sport of archery interests me greatly. I am, after all, a Sagittarius.

Last winter, while riding the bus home from the bookstore, I would always notice the bales of hay set out near Lake Calhoun that are used for archery practice. An old friend once gave me a long-bow for my birthday and I would think about this as I looked out the cold windows of the bus. The bow was old and warped and I never learned how to do anything with it, but still the desire was there.

Ok...but I'm getting off topic here, aren't I. Lack of focus? Maybe. But it feels like it has been so long since I last blogged (well, only a week) that I don't even know where to start.

So I will start by saying that I am pleased with myself for accomplishing a painting a day for the past month. I missed a few days, but over all I surpassed my own expectations. It was just the break I needed from myself and, for that, I am seriously grateful. In doing a painting a day I learned how to be healthily committed to something rather than simply beating myself over the head with it. I enjoyed it so much that I have decided to continue. Although I may not be able to keep up the pace of doing a painting every day, I will continue to paint on a regular basis.

As for archery...well, I work weekends and taking a workshop is just not possible at this time. But even better, I've decided that I will ask my mom and grandma for lessons. Learning archery from grandma? Good god, does it get any more kick ass than that?!

There is my thesis and work and the web site projects that are already on the table. There are the photoshop and design classes that I am hoping to take and the paintings that I am planning to continue with. There is dog training and family and cooking and cleaning. There are friendships to be maintained, letters to write, emails to return. There is so, so, so much going on all at once. How to accomplish all of this in the few short hours that I have each night after work?

I don't know...but I am finding that the more space I leave open for sacredness, the more space there is that opens up for a sense of accomplishment. Yesterday, while at work, a customer (also a new friend and neighbor) told me about the God Bowl that her and her kids fill with water each day. She said that the bowl itself represents our emptiness and that what we fill it up with each day is up to us. She fills the bowl with water each morning as a reminder to fill herself with God's love. I thought that it sounded like a beautiful ritual and so I told her about my own daily ritual of feeding the birds. Every day at work I take a handful of birdseed and place it in a container for the birds to find. This simple action is a reminder to myself of the ways in which I am capable being a positive vibration. It is my gift to the universe and reminds me of the ways that my energy affects the world around me.

Before this conversation I heard a quote on the radio that stuck with me. It went something like: "When humans are allowed to be humans, they start to transform."

And while I am very busy these days doing all the things that I am trying to do...there is also a more important kind of work going on at the same time. Sometimes I feel like an ocean when the current is going out--the waves come in, but even as this happens, the water is being pulled back out to sea. I suppose we are all a little bit like this. These days I am finding it more important than ever to live with more intention.

And so today I am seeking intentional balance. The best part is that coming here has helped me find it.
Thank you, friends.