Saturday, September 29, 2007

scary thing #3:

It is Day 3 of the Scare-the-Hell-Out-of-Myself project and things are really starting to pick up speed. You know the saying about "getting the ball rolling"? Well, I sort of feel like I got the ball rolling and now I'm being chased down the hill by it! Ok...maybe I'm exaggerating just a little bit. Or maybe not. It's hard to tell except that today I've found myself in a situation that is forcing me to make some decisions sooner than later. All I can say is that I am so thankful for that snake dream because it has helped me to listen to myself and hold my ground. In the past year, I've given up on myself more times than I care to count. Today I decided that I'm not going to do that again. There is much that I want to blog about, but...damn. This is the internet, after all. So I will do my best to explain myself in ambiguous code.

Today I got a genuine hearted, but insufficient offer concerning a certain situation that I am currently involved in, but that is holding me back. It so happens that I will need to make a decision soon. I wish I could explain how absolutely strange things feel to me right now. I mean, if I'm not mistaken, the Universe is actually starting to do some of the work here! Really, honestly, I can hardly believe it. I guess the Universe has decided to work it's magic and is finally giving me the push I need. Um--scary!!

Yesterday I posted a quote and there is one particular bit of it that has been on my mind all day:
"Release the outer skin of your present identity. Move through the dreamlike illusion that has insisted on static continuity, and find a new rhythm as your body glides across the sands of consciousness, like a river winding its way toward the great waters of the sea. Immerse yourself in that water, and know that the single droplet which you represent is being accepted by the whole."
I thought a lot about what it would mean to follow my own flow and what that might tangibly translate into, in terms of my day to day life. I ended up taking a long walk with the dogs tonight because I needed some breathing space in order to think. As I walked, I also tried to think of what scary thing I would try to do today. You know, it's kind of hard doing something scary every day when you work all day and don't have extra money to spend. This is one detail that I hadn't thought through very well. With only a few hours left of my day, what was I going to do? The sound of leaves scuffling across the road scared me. The sound of an urban raccoon in the tree across the street scared me. So I kept walking.

I admit though, that I love walking with the dogs at night when the streets are so much more quiet, but it has been a while since I have been able relaxed into it. The air outside is warm and windy. It smells of earth and leaves. Autumn. Magic. Calm. Once I gave into it, I wanted to walk forever. I let my mind wander as the dogs walked in perfect unison, side by side (blessedly wonderful, but rare, perfection!).

And that's when it happened: I felt myself make a decision. Not about what scary thing I should do today, but about the big scary decision I had been turning over in my head all day. I mean, I felt it physically. My heart sort of sped up and felt fluttery for a few seconds and I smiled into the dark woods and thought to myself: ok--I'm gonna do this! Yes, making a decision felt thrilling! :)

So I came back home and followed through on scary thing #3: Found 2 jobs that will double my income. Next scary thing: write cover letters.

Heck, even writing this post is scary. Now I actually have to write those cover letters. Oh, sweet fear! I feel like I'm being catapulted. Know what I mean? Have you ever felt that way?


Loralee Choate said...

yup. I have. It's when the fear is so physically tangible you feel like you can take a big bite out of it like an apple.

Maddie said...

I am so excited for you Jess -
the universe is moving
to make space for your desires:)

And I posted about my brave
day inspired by your post -
so I hope you design a brave
to put on my site.

Have a beautiful Sunday - I am
sipping chai out of your mug:)

L-M said...

Thanks for your courage in posting what you're's inspiring and helping those of us on our creative/life journeys to face fears and go forward. I'll be cheering for you...

Anonymous said...

One of the many, many things I love about you is that you EMBRACE things, once you have started them. Its positively inspiring and YES, the Universe is moving on your behalf. I thought we discussed that already? ;)

I am lifting my mug of coffee in your honor. Hurray!

PS: I am doing the scary thing "thing" too...this week's SS brought up stuff that I have been, well, afraid to post since I started the blog. *shudder* Thanks for the inspiration, I think.;)

liz elayne said...

i am so thankful that you are sharing this journey...the feelings of being catapulted...
moments like that are this mixture of excitement, fear, bravery, many emotions. and it is fantastic that you are taking time to notice and live within these moments...

Leah said...

totally know that feeling and love that feeling. i can feel your excitement and energy just buzzing off the screen. it's awesome. keep flowing with this river darlin, you're doing great!