Saturday, January 08, 2005

Self-portrait # 12.

". . . I knew that a day I took away from the work did not make me too happy. I just feel that I’m in tune with the right vibrations in the universe when I’m in the process of working. I always felt right when I was right here. And even if I didn’t want to compose, so I painted or stacked the pieces or something. In my studio I’m as happy as a cow in her stall. That’s the only place where everything is all right."

Last night I painted in my studio until 2 am. I don't know what happened, where time went. I began a self-portrait with the intention of doing it alla-prima. I got it all down on canvas, but I got to a certain point, where I started laying down blue skin-tones that I wasn't sure where I was going with it. In the portrait, it is just me... with no real expression of any kind. The mood dictated simply by color. I was using a lot of turquoise, mint greens, and blues-- colors I rarely (if ever) use. There is a coolness about it, except for the oranger-than-life hair. I felt like it needed something and today I realize it needs fuscia, yellow, purple. I didn't finish it. I decided to let the rest of it sit around inside me for awhile... until I figured out what it is trying to say. And now I know what it is about, but I am having a hard time finding words for it. It's about that hidden part of me. Not hidden-- that's not the right word. It's about that part of me that exists underneath or outside the layers of my life right now. I am realizing that it is hard to write about. I have been limiting myself. hmmmm.... not that's not quite right either. I've been existing in a very small world. Feeling confined in a very small set of thoughts. In my painting there is an energy trying to be expressed. In odd combinations of colors. I find myself wanting to make connections between thoughts that are not available to me... not present in the world existing around me.

I have been thinking a lot about things... about possibilities. With no words for it yet. The painting though... might be my first successful self-portrait. We'll see. It's not finished yet. We'll see where it goes. Then maybe I can say what it is really about. Whatever it is... it's about making connections. That is what I'm working on. In more ways than one.

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