lately i find myself feeling like i have no family. sure, i had one...but after my parents' divorce 2 years ago (after 33 years of marriage)...well, it just sort of fell apart. this is something that i don't normally blog about, but tonight my thoughts seemed to have pooled in my fingertips. we were never perfect-- very far from. but we were semi- solid (even in our fucked-up-ness). my family, now, is hodge-podge at best. it's flimsy, fragile, bordering on truly non-existent. it can't be counted on like it used to. actually, it counts for just about nothing. i have my husband, my brother and sister, and sometimes my mom (they count for a lot)...but, other than that...
fuck. what is it about losing family that makes one feel like one doesn't quite exist? it is the sort of thing that i just can't seem to wrap my head around or, for that matter, walk away from--no matter how badly i wish i could. it's one of those things that makes me feel worse than i care to admit...because it makes me feel like nothing. dispensable. like none of it was ever real to begin with.
tonight the sky looked like doves taking flight.
i, on the other hand, feel like i am sinking.