Sunday, July 23, 2006

5 days and counting...

This is my morning cup of coffee. It is sitting next to the book I'm reading now (The Secret Life of Bees) and a book (Middlesex) that I found at a rummage sale on my way to work at the gallery yesterday. I picked it up because Carol, my old painting professor, insisted that I read it. And so I shall! I love the way that books dance their way into your life at just the right time.

Only thing is that I'm falling behind. This summer has not been the summer of reading that I had hoped for. I wasn't expecting to work much, but it turned out that I ended up working nearly every day. I made my own schedule, so it's my own damn fault--but now I have a stack of books that I am highly reluctant to pack, as though a magic crack will open in the universe and allow me the time to actually do the things I wish I could do in the next 5 days.

I feel myself trying to hurry up and put on the breaks at the same time. I want to get out of here, yet I still feel like there are things I want or need to do. You see, what I'm afraid will happen when I get to Mpls. is that I'll get swept up in a whirlwind of unpacking, job hunting, kid-sitting, and working. Because I have no idea what my job or my life will be like once I leave here, I feel a little vulnerable, like the universe is about to have its way with me. I suppose that could be considered rather exciting (and it is), but there's another part of me that gets nervous about losing the creative life I've so carefully constructed.

I feel a need to make schedules for my days--but schedules, at this point, are nothing less than ridiculous. I wake up and take a few extra turns through the maze of boxes before making my way to the coffee machine. I groggily try to prioritize my day as I wait for the thick brew to wake my brain cells. Pack first, paint later? Paint first, write later, pack when? Pack, pack, pack? This packing project seems like it is stretching out into forever. I feel like I've been writing about it for a month--and I can only imagine how sick you are of reading about it! I suppose packing has morphed into one big metaphor that I haven't quite figured out yet--a cover for something I can't seem to get at. Somehow I've thoroughly disguised myself in newspaper bubble-wrap--and I find it comforting and irritating all at once.

I guess my priority this morning is to sit outside and write in my journal for awhile, to work on sorting out some of the garbage before I continue with the rest of it. Relocating myself, these days, feels haphazard at best. Life is messy and, I suppose, that's I'll leave off by saying:
"Our task is to say holy yes to the real things of our life as they exist..."
~natalie goldberg


There. I said it.
Although, I admit, it might have been the coffee talking.


kj said...

jessie, i have 3 thoughts reading your blog:

1. moving/packing is stressful--it's an outside chaos.

2. the secret lives of bees will feed your heart--it's a great book

3. re your move: i've always found that the hardest part of turning a corner is just before you do. you know what you're leaving but not what awaits.

i'm glad i found your blog.


Loralee Choate said...

Holy, awesome looking cup of coffee, Batman!

I don't think someone like you could ever lose your creativity. At the very worst you may just misplace it for awhile.

Moving is one of the inherent evils of the earth. Bitching about it is one of the ways to stay sane. Go right ahead and talk about it...everyone is here for support.

I liked Secret Life of Bees (Some of it was a bit weird). I freaking LOVED MiddleSex. It kept me company on my trip to Glacier, Montana a year ago.

paris parfait said...

Jessie, packing is always annoying. But little by little is usually best, as it gives you time to get used to the idea; to adapt your routine. You'll still be creative when you move - you'll just be in a different environment. You might find that you're even more inspired in new surroundings. Change is scary, but ultimately good. Especially when you're going to a great new place, in a great new car! And lots of new opportunities are just waiting to be explored. :)

Kristine said...

I almost bought the secret life of bees yesterday. So many people have suggested it to me. Now I regret having not purchased it. We could have had a little mini book club! I agree with you - life is messy. I think it is simply hard to shove your life into a bunch of boxes. I have moved so many times and it never gets easy. Even when I start early, it still takes right up until the time that we move to get everything packed up.
You might simply have to let go of the list and live intuitively, giving yourself what you need as your life moves forward. Hang in there. I know this is both a great but also a scary time.

bee said...

my sister told me when i was moving in july that the process is recognized as the most stressful on a person.
be patient with yourself and your process as your spirit gets energized in every which way by this transformation - you'll do wonderfully, i'm sure.
and take care.

Anonymous said...

i recently moved about 25 miles from where i was living. no major changes, really, but i was shocked, saddened, and somewhat embarrassed by the amount of STUFF i had accumulated. the best part of moving was that i got rid of a huge chunk of my belongings; the worst part was having to go through it all!

and your creativity will remain, i'm sure...just think of all the new INSPIRATIONS you'll have!!

melba said...

I just finished reading the secret life of bees. I really like it. I could relate to Lily's feelings of longing for her mother.

You look so cute in that photo from second grade...I just want to pinch those checks!! (I don't look Italian, but I am partly so I grew up with lots of cheel pinching!)