Thursday, March 30, 2006

untitled sadness.

Today started out perfectly--I walked out the door this morning thinking that I just might enjoy the calmness of it all. Unfortunately, it took a turn for the worse shortly after arriving at school--and plummeted even further into the depths of horribleness by late morning. Then there was the perk of listening to a reading by a very wonderful and humorous teaching candidate (that part was good--really good even). But then an afternoon spent on the phone and sending e-mails to individuals concerning the horribleness.

And now I just feel sad--and a little bit like crying. Because there are certain aspects of my life that I put my heart and soul into, it is a very real bummer when something doesn't work out. I know, I'm not explaining myself--and maybe I shouldn't write anything at all. I'm leaving out the details because the details don't matter.

Today included a very heavy decision that will affect someone else more than it will ever affect me. And, believe me, I don't like the feeling of playing God.

ok--now I'm crying. And even though someone else would say that the horribleness is not worth it--I find it impossible not to care.

I think I could use a (very long) walk. The clouds look comforting.


Amber said...

Jessie, you're one of the most caring people I've ever known--and that's something to be proud of. But it's not an easy way to go through life, and of course a decision of this magnitude is going to affect you deeply. Just remember that this person has a much larger role than you do in this situation. And this is only ONE person; you've made many, many more people's lives better. (Including mine.)

tara dawn said...

I wish I could be there and just hold you and let you cry. I don't know the specifics of the "horribleness" of today...I only know that you are in pain and that even your pain carries an abounding beauty. I wish you much comfort right now, sweet friend. You have a truly amazing heart!

Loralee Choate said...

Details matter not, my friend. What matters is that you feel sad.

Responsibilty is hard.
Responsible Responsibility is much harder because that means you give a damn and that it will impact you and your emotions.

You stike me as a very caring individual who puts others and their needs very high on your list of priorities. That is good, but it can cause hurt for you.

I have had to make crucial decisions on hiring teachers and what also had a huge role in deciding what students received scholarships for college.

Big impact for them, not nearly so for me. Even so, there were many times I cried over it.

I should have, though.

Big decision with that much impact REQUIRES it. I would have felt like a heel if I could make such a decision without feeling.

I think you do the same because you care.


Mark said...

A bleak entry. I don't know what you are talking about, but I know you are sad, and I'm sorry about that.

We have to do hard things. We do things that hurt others more than ourselves; we do them out of duty or self-protection or for the greater good. We have to do them.

Suffering over doing them is as close as we get to redemption.

Jessie said...

amber, tara, loralee, mark--
thank you for your comments--honestly. i appreciate your words of experience, wisdom, and friendship. you all have incredibly big hearts...and i'm glad i know you.

Aspen said...