Saturday, September 23, 2006

thoughts from an eternal traveler.

We've only been here 2 months and already V. and I are daydreaming about remote and faraway places. Yesterday as I walked down the street past the coffee roaster shop, past the outdoor cafe, past the butcher shop, the flower shop, and the co-op...I couldn't help but wonder why on earth I would even entertain the notion of leaving--especially considering that we just got here. Before I grabbed the handle of the door leading me back into the bookstore, I firmly chalked it up as the traveler in me. I can't help myself. I've always been this way.

I'm happy here. I love it in this city. But it's hard. V. and I spend a large amount of our time driving. Driving to work, driving for groceries, driving for this, driving for that. All of this driving sucks, I must admit. It's amazing how even the smallest errand can turn into a process that takes half of the day. And let's not even talk about the job scene around here...

Still, I love it here. I am still trying to formulate the words to describe how I feel living here; it's something I've been trying to do this since we our arrival. I want to drink in big gulps of this place. Even my skin tries to absorb as much cultural moisture as possible. The art galleries, the ethnic food, the lakes, the people...there is a richness of diversity here that I was so incredibly thirsty for. Right now, my bones and blood need this kind of place. So much so that there are days that I wish I could wrap this city around me like the blanket of rainy colored clouds that hang from the sky.

These days I find myself trying to get my head around something that I don't quite understand. Hell, I don't even know what it is, exactly, that I'm trying to get my head around. All I know is that my life seems to hold incredible amounts of unexplored territory. My problem is that I want to, at all times, live at the very outer edges of myself. But is that really a problem? I don't think so. The thing is that I've never been able to settle for mediocre. I like to invest myself completely in whatever it is that I am doing. I think the hard part these days, is that I'm not sure I know what I'm doing.

I don't know where I'll be next year, but I can't help but love the idea of throwing caution to the wind. Even though I wish I could have everything all at once and all at the same time, it's easy to imagine myself trading in this urban lifestyle for my flannel shirts, chopping wood and whale watching. All I know is that wherever I am, whatever I'm doing--I want to get started. I've been wishy-washing around in limbo-land for too long.

But right now I'm going to work from my center.
I am here.

This is my start.


beansprout said...

It is my impression that the truth is. Your heart said go move. So you did. Your heart said stay for awhile. So you did. TRUST IT. If your heart says love, write, paint, mother, teach, just do it. You are so much more than any one thing, and have so much more to do in this world than any one life could possibly fit in. So you are right to start where you are and begin today. Go for it! Be well.

Kristine said...

I think maybe it is the traveler speaking. Maybe you will find some of those remote, faraway places RIGHT THERE. Sounds like you are in a place where you could just get lost in all that there is to embrace before you. I bet once you start incorporating some of those galleries, ethnic food places and people watching spots along with your routine you may find the length of time spent errand running as such a chore... Maybe. Sounds like you are in a good place emotionally.

smilnsigh said...

Wow! I just found your blog. Via clicking on your name, in your comment on another blog.

And I kept reading and reading and reading. I must stop now and move on to something else.

But first, I had to tell you this. Your writing is wonderful, evocative, mesermizing, etc., etc., etc. Wow!

And you have trouble with doing your own writing? I think not. If you can do all this, in a Journal... Well, I know nothing about writing but.... I love yours.

And I'll now stop rambling and gooooo. :-)

sophie said...

I say "go" where the wind moves
you...or your heart.

I just love your "you-ness"


liz elayne said...

I love these last few lines. just love them.

and this realization that you are happy...this is so good. and maybe in some ways you are wrapping the city around you like a blanket. beautiful my dear. just beautiful.

melba said...

I was reading your last few posts and I was surprised to hear that when you read your own journals that you miss that person. (is it because you had more time to do the things you loved; read books?)

I have such the opposite thing happen to me. When I read my old journals there is SO MUCH questioning and unhappiness. I still like to read them to get perspective. Sometimes I will admit I am like, "Wow that was a great poem." :)

I was talking with a (sort of new) friend yesterday and asked if she kept a journal. And she said at times, but mostly she always thought her life wasn't interesting enough to write down. It must be the Leo in me, but I think everything I write down is interesting! (to me...I don't think Everyone would find my life as enthralling as I do!)

I also could relate to you wanting to Go! Before I had Ethan I always wanted to move and I did...I moved every year (and sometimes twice in the same year) from the ages 18 - 30. That is a lot of packing!!!

I really and often wonder what would have happened if I didn't get pregnant. (we weren't trying and I was on a birth control pill when I conceived Ethan)

I say this all the time...I feel it was divine intervention for me because I really needed to Stop, stay in one place and confront all the stuff that was going on in my life. my desires to do something else than be a retail desire to create and create a life that I actually woke up and smiled about. This took time. and lots of crying.

I am glad for you that you are in a town now that you love and that you have a very loving husband. You can be/do whatever it is your heart is dreaming about from where you are. I feel that for you.

Your wings are growing; time to take flight!

Oh, and share some more of your artwork. I want to see more of you.


paris parfait said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
paris parfait said...

Gorgeous post, Jessie. The thing is that a traveler never stops traveling - no matter how content one may be with the place they're in. And that's a blessing. When I was a little girl, my goal was never to have a dull life - and it's still my mantra, practiced daily! Off to Seville now - will check in from there. xo

likearadio said...

you've expressed the same feelings i often struggling with myself - it's as if there's too much life to experience in the great wide world to just stay in one place, but at the same time you want to exist in every tiny corner and nook of the place you're in now just to be there, (here), where you are now.
it runs you in circles, that feeling, but sometimes i think it's the most exhilarating feeling in the world. it is living.