gifts.

I just received Melba's book, Creating in the Midst, in the mail today. I am nearly giddy with joy for what she has created! Yep, that's my desk today. A pile of my life with a wonderful gift smack dab in the middle of it all. I am looking forward to blogging about the journey that will begin on July 6th. Perfect timing. I am soooo very ready for this. My life feels a bit chaotic at the moment and so I'm glad that this group will provide me a reason to open up some breathing space for myself. I'm tempted to read it this very moment! But have decided to save it for a moment when I can savor really savor it--which I've already promised myself will be tonight. I am looking forward to carving out a peaceful moment this evening to soak up Melba's book.

So much is happening on a weekly (and even daily!) basis. I remember when I used to make it a point to blog every day. Now I am just shooting for the goal of once a week! Oh, but I have much to say. Soon, I hope to catch up soon.

In the meantime, you can purchase a book of your own on Melba's Etsy here.

this is how jessie rambles....

I'm sure that I shouldn't be on the computer right now because there is a thunderstorm outside. What is it about thunderstorms that are so conducive to blogging? Well, mostly I'm here because it has been a long several days of painting the alphabet. I've been working on a commission that I should have finished a month ago, but set the deadline back to match the delayed payment. This worked out well for me because I was able to shift my energies towards focusing on defending my thesis, the dog event, and 2 more dog commissions--but now I'm scrambling to finish in time! Hmmm...what would I do without deadlines? Well, I would probably do lots of things, but I must admit, deadlines are good medicine for pumping things into high gear.

Strangely enough, I've been enjoying this alphabet commission much more than I thought I would. To give a recap on the project, I'm doing a grid of 25 canvases that all together will measure 7 1/2 feet by 7 1/2 feet. Since it takes me nearly an entire day to paint each canvas (or more), I am realizing that I sorely undercharged for this job. For some reason I'm ok with this though (live and learn). I've been enjoying pushing richly colored paint around on the canvas so much that I tend to forget myself. Not to mention, they will soon become prints and cards.

Needless to say, I have letters and colors and words swimming around my head like there's no tomorrow. Yesterday I worked on the letter "R." According to Vinny, the letter R is the most powerful letter in spoken language (along with "O"). Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrright! I believe it. Today was the letters "B" and "E." Also powerful letters because they spell "BE." And isn't that what we're all really striving for? To BE.

It was time to come up for a breather though. I have been working so intensely that all of a sudden I found myself with a fairly deep need to connect. Painting causes me to get really introspective, but I'm beginning to find that I want/need to balance my introspection with opportunities to connect with other living, breathing beings. Sure, the dogs are good conversationalists, but uh....

Yeah, so anyway, it is storming outside. My little cat, Viscosa has her nose peeking out the window smelling the air. My other cat, dear old thing, is asleep at my feet. I've been offered another feature, this time in July's issue of Edge Life and my email's in-box is being inundated by causes/groups/clubs that are hoping for a donation as well as events that need registration. I wish I had more money, because then I could do everything. But then I remind myself that this is a process. I've started to rely on my feelings to tell me what I should do for each circumstance. I recently learned this from my good friend Kristine when we were discussing how to price art. She said: "Go with what feels right." Turns out that her advise is applicable to almost anything. What she meant by that statement was to go with a decision that leaves you feeling good about what you're doing. If you eventually feel resentment over the time and energy you put into something, then you didn't ask for enough (or gave yourself away too freely). On the other side of the coin, in my book, the only time a price is too high (when selling or working) is when you can't find anyone willing to pay what you're asking. That's not to say that I'm not concerned about pricing appropriately (I'm still only pricing at the bottom-mid range of the average). But one thing I've had ample time to think about is what my time is worth.

It makes me sad to see so many women underpricing (ie undervaluing) themselves--whether it is their art, their knowledge, their time, their work...whatever. I've been that woman most of my life and am only now starting to see how this has held me back in so many ways. I see this sense of undervaluing a lot on Etsy and it is one of the reasons it took me so long to jump on board. All I know is that I don't want to work my ass off for the rest of my life so that I can barely get by. I don't want to live that way anymore. Yes, it's another process...but I'm ready to start valuing myself more. This has taken a bit of gumption, but I'm willing to stick to my guns and wait it out if necessary. Risk number 3,789. Will there ever be an end to these risks? Ok, life might get boring without them, but I would prefer to transfer my risk taking away from financial matters and direct them instead towards, say, travel.

Speaking of Kristine, you must go check out her latest work. Holy cats, that woman's work blows me away. To infuse little pieces of metal with so much LIFE ENERGY! How does she do it? I would love to sit inside her brain while she creates and imagines the people that inhabit her sculptures. What if we all saw ourselves as beautiful as Kristine's creations? Somehow I think her work makes this world a better place.

~

Featured.

I've just spent the night trying to decide on what images to include for an article. Oy! This is not an easy task. Remember that interview that I mentioned? Well, it's for a full page feature article in the fall issue of Modern Dog. Someone please pinch me! Is this for real?! Ok, ok...so it's just an article, but I can't help it. I'm so excited that I am nearly jumping out of my skin! Yesterday, after I got off the phone, I took the dogs for an extra long walk down to the lake. The sun was shining and the world was even more alive and interesting than usual. I kid you not, I felt like I might smile to death!

You know, it's funny, but with every success (however big or small) I notice myself expanding my goals accordingly. It's a process though--one that won't allow me to skip over any experiences. It feels like expansion. And expansion feels like growth. And growth feels like breath. And breath feels like love. And love feels like smiling. And smiling feels like happiness. And happiness feels good.

*photo of a painting in progress in my new "outdoor studio."

~

breathing space...

After a late breakfast of cheese omelets and sunshine, Vinny and I loaded up the car with dogs and maps and two mochas to go...and headed out of the city and into the country. A loooooong way into the country.

We went to go look at a house. Not just any house, mind you, but a farm house.

Can I imagine myself living in a farm house, miles and miles from the city? Well, yes, I can...but only if the beautiful shed behind that house is renovated into the most incredible studio imaginable (like the one I have perfectly designed and constructed in my mind).

The house...is a fixer-upper (and I mean that in all sense of the word) but, oh, the potential is there.

And the sky...offers enough breathing space to last an entire lifetime.

Halfway down the driveway we stopped, turned off the car, and listened. Silence. Absolute. That is, except for the sounds of birds and the wind blowing through open windows. The air smelled sweet.

We smiled and, on the way home, imagined star-filled nights, fireflies, and happy dogs.

Remember that scene in Cast Away, you know, that movie with Tom Hanks as a FedEx employee?... well, I keep thinking of the scene at the end of the movie when he goes to deliver the unopened package to the artist who lives beyond the crossroads. In my imagination, I'm that artist, but instead of creating metal works, I get to be a pet portrait artist instead. Never mind about Tom Hanks, I just love that woman's set-up! I have no idea why any of this feels even remotely glamorous or familiar to me, but in a way it kind of does.

The sky reminds me of my old place. But everything else is like nothing I've ever quite experienced before.

Who knows. But I do like dreaming...

~

living larger...

These past couple weeks I've been trying to figure out a routine for myself and noticing that I waste a lot of time--most of it in front of the computer. I've been reading about Virtual Assistants and also Jame Aurthur Ray's Harmonic Wealth. Melba once wrote that the self-help section should be retitled to something like self-growth. I can't remember her exact words, but I agree with the concept. Self-help assumes that there is something wrong that needs to be fixed when, in reality, I couldn't be happier--I'm just trying to maximize my happiness to its fullest potential.

Ray's book is based on a lot of Law of Attraction concepts and is very similar to Barbara Stanny's Secrets of Six Figure Women. His language contains a bit too much flare and cynicism...but looking beyond these flaws, what I'm mostly getting out of this book is a big kick in the butt. That is, he has made me realize how I'm successfully self-sabotaging myself with my growing ability to procrastinate.

Don't get me wrong, I work hard and I work a lot (why do I somehow think this makes me a better person?). But how much of that time is actually spent hitting the refresh button on my blog, emails, and etsys? How much of that time is spent being distracted by the dogs or the phone or housework? It's quite ridiculous, actually. But these are the things that I seem to do best in my most inefficient glory.

I've been fighting with myself over making a schedule (even just a loose schedule) for the past 3 weeks now. I don't want my new schedule to look like my old schedule (full of stress, rigidness, and endless work, work, work)...yet I DO want a schedule that offers me enough structure to keep me on task and moving forward, yet time enough to let my hair blow freely in the wind once in awhile. Is this even possible?

This process has caused me to ask myself a few questions, such as:

• What is holding me back from what I want to do the most? And how/why do I let it happen?
  
• What are my priorities, really?
• How can I shift my day (and energy) around to make sure those priorities aren't taken over by lesser important tasks and procrastination?
• What's keeping me from becoming my best self?
• Are my actions (and non-actions) a form of self-sabotage? And, if so, why am I doing that?
• What can I do for myself?

Although all these questions are important to me right now, I have to admit, I like the last question the most. That one I hadn't thought of until just now, as I'm writing. What can I do for myself...to be successful, to feel good, to be satisfied, to feel rested, accomplished, to move forward, to live from a place of purpose?

Two words keep returning to me. They are:

1. Priorities.
2. Intention.

I need to prioritize what means the most to me--and then I need to create days that allow those priorities to come first. Time to paint is one of those priorities that gets pushed to the back burner on a regular basis. That doesn't make much sense considering that painting is my biggest money maker right now. So why do I let it get pushed aside? There are books upon books written on this subject alone and I could probably write another one (hmmm...maybe I will)...

Ok, so I've decided to start getting honest with myself. One aspect of that means that I had to admit to myself that, now that the weather has gotten nice, I've been avoiding the basement (where my studio is located). Who wants to hang out in a fluorescent lit basement when there's a whole world of green grass, flowers, birds, fresh air, and sunshine?? Not me.

So yesterday I took my first step in setting myself up for success and bought myself a table easel so that I could move my studio outside. OMG! I painted for nearly 10 hours!! Granted, life can't be all frolicsome, but why not make it more enjoyable when you can?

This dog never leaves my side.

Louie's favorite game is to hide under my painting apron and then "surprise" me. He thinks this is great fun.

Anyway, as of yesterday, I've broadened my studio space by a million. I like painting under a canopy of trees. I forget myself.

As for my unresolved self-sabotaging ways...well, these are things I'm interested in figuring out about myself. I'm finding that it's those little tiny niggly little things that are the biggest culprits in holding a person back. They add up quickly and have a keen ability to stop growth dead in its tracks.

I want to be my best self--inside and out. Granted, I've got a long ways to go, but despite frustrations I am really starting to like this journey.

Here's some James Aurthur Ray quotes that have resonated with me (not to mention, they'd make good fortune cookie or Yogi tea quotes):

• "It's already created. You just have to align with it" (53).
• "Be the success you seek" (68).
• "To have more you must be more. If your intention is big enough, then you must grow to meet the size if that idea" (66).
• "It was Einstein who so wisely stated that we can't find the solutions to our problems with the same level of thinking that created the problems"(82).
• "Take yourself and your desires seriously and live your values" (72).

And my favorite:

• "Don't wish for an easier life. Wish to be at your finest" (63).
  

By the way, I saw a psychic while I was in NYC. She was at a street fair. I paid her $10 to read my palm and she told me that success would come to me in July. I don't care if she knew what she was talking about or not. I feel a huge sense of relief in believing her. I mean, what if everything we believe came true? Good or bad. Because, in a way, I think that it does.

And you know what? Every time I spend time painting something good happens. Last night I got an email from a writer for Modern Dog. I'm being interviewed next week! For what, I'm not sure. Maybe a feature article?? I don't know, but whatever it is, I'm excited about it! :)

~

lovin' a whole lotta NEWNESS!

I'm happy to announce that my new
Stray Dog Arts Etsy is open for business!

• Greeting cards
• Prints
• Originals
• and Gift Certificates are available!

And when you're done shopping, head down to your local bookstore for a copy of Bark magazine and check out my new ad! Ooooh! I'm nearly giddy with excitement! I love Bark. A magazine where canine, literary, and inquisitive love collide!


My next endeavor is to learn how the hell to keep tabs on myself. Anyone have suggestions for programs/books/information on record keeping, project management, and accounting? I need a system...this coming from someone who barely balances her checkbook! :)-

Welcome to my new life, in all its chaotic glory! :)
With love and big fat kisses,
j.

ps.
Prints have been added to my old Patch of Sky Etsy as well. Another new line of prints and greeting cards will be on its way soon!

~

I {Heart} NY...(ie. Inspiration City)

Hmmm....where to begin? I've just returned from a trip to New York City and I don't even know where to start! I went there on vacation with my sister, mom, and grandma--the first trip of its kind. We survived the four days together and, dare I say, we even had fun doing it! Well, actually, we had lots of fun. NYC is a walker's paradise, but even more so, it is an ARTIST'S PARADISE! I'm not sure I've ever been so inspired by a particular place. Holy wonderful! I spent the entire 4 days that we were there gathering inspirations for future projects. 3 projects, to be exact. And now my hands are just itching to get to my paint brushes!


A couple weeks ago, after an (always) incredible telephone conversation with Fiona, I decided that from now on, when presented with options, I will always choose the more adventurous route. I decided this one afternoon while standing in a coffee shop ordering iced tea. I love how our little lessons in life have the ability to make themselves known in those non-extraordinary daily moments. On that particular day I chose mango tea over Irish Breakfast...no big deal, right? Having never tried mango tea before, I was happily surprised...and that's when it hit me. That's when I decided to always take the more adventurous option--no matter how big or small. As I drove away with my cup of iced tea in hand I felt another shift, an opening up, a sense of possibility, that singing-heart sort of feeling. And I must say that, in my book, there is no better feeling than that of singing-heart-open-to-possibility sensation! Perhaps that is what has always drawn me to adventure...but adventure has been one value that I've sorely neglected these past couple years. But you know what? It feels good to have woken up to it once again.

I carried this rekindled adventurous life philosophy all the way to New York with me and am totally fired up by it! :) You see, I carry this "little-ol'-me" view of myself. It's the "I'm-a-Nobody Syndrome." I have a feeling that all too many of us have this problem, but since it doesn't get anyone anywhere, why hold on to it?

I've been noticing something about myself. You see, I've been observing myself when in action (and non-action, as is sometimes the case) and it is so OBVIOUS that I shine more brightly when I live from my center. Actually, I've been noticing that about a lot of people. I know where my center is by the way I feel. If I get an idea and it makes me buzz with excitement, then I know I'm on to something. When I ignore those ideas, I go flat. I get tired, depressed, cranky. When I pursue inspiring thoughts, this energy has a snowball effect and I am met by positivity, inside and out. I'm talking about my experiences here, but the same thing is true for ALL of us. This amazes the hell out of me! We are ALL capable of SO MUCH! Every single one of us! And this thought inspires me beyond all get-out! I love thinking about the ways that each of us can create our own successes if we just get out of own way! :)

I spent a large portion the past four days wandering the streets and taking photos of New York's City's dogs (among other things!). I have never met such an incredibly intelligent and socialized population of canines! Needless to say, I was nervous about asking for a photo every single time. I mean, who am I? I'm just a ridiculous small-town weirdo with a camera, right? Ok...but leaving the view of myself at that would have gotten me nowhere, so I put the thought aside for a second (tip: a second is usually all it takes to dive past any fear), told the person about my project, and asked if I could take a photo of their dog. Every single time I was met with such enthusiasm, respect, and gratitude!!! It was down-right weird! :) Why would anyone care about me or what I'm doing in such a big city?? At least that's the conception I was carrying around about myself. I'm glad I decided to set those thoughts aside long enough to be happily surprised.




Now that I'm home I look forward to turning some of these ideas into tangible form. I spent part of the morning searching Craigslist for an affordable studio apartment in Greenwich Village. I can't afford it yet--but "yet" is the operative word here. I'm on a mission to get back to New York so that I can finish what I've started. I don't doubt that it may take some time, but I'll keep you posted on my results. Miracles happen. ;)

In the meantime, I'm off to my back yard "studio" with paint brushes, paper, and strong coffee to get started on materializing my recent inspirations.


Here's to ridiculous amounts love, happiness, and adventurous vision!! :)

~

I'm off to NYC...See ya on the flip side!

I'll return to my sorely neglected blog on Tuesday. That is, unless I find a computer and a little bit of alone time. ;)

Mmmwwaaa! Sending kisses to you, my friends! :)

image credits: wikipedia

~

Mama-love...

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!

I've decided that there is nothing better than love.
No matter what form it takes.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL YOU WONDERFUL MAMAs!!!

~

island dogs and gauguin dreams...

I just finished this painting in memory of "Lu," a stray island dog that was found and adopted in Florida. Commissioned for a mother's day present, I completed the portrait with just enough time for it to dry and then be delivered this Saturday.

I never met Lu, but I can tell by her eyes that she was one incredibly intelligent dog--and I liked her from the moment I laid eyes on the photos. Lu seems like one of those once-in-a-life-time sort of dogs. It's obvious why her family misses her. I would too.

But there's something interesting about painting dogs, even when the portrait is in memory of a loved soul. I had fun painting Lu. It felt like I was painting her back to life. Oh, if only it were possible!

One of the reasons I enjoyed this commission so much is because of Lu's story. Being an island dog, I couldn't help but think of my favorite Paul Gauguin paintings and his imperfectly written memoir, Noa Noa. I came across it while working on my art degree and that little book swallowed me whole. At that point I was already fairly obsessed with Gauguin's life and work, but I fell in love with the book because, even though it wasn't very well written, it was fascinating. Maybe I fell in love with the book BECAUSE it wasn't very well written (but was fascinating anyway). I think that's when I learned the importance of telling our stories--no matter what our level of writerly talent might be.

Painting Lu woke up a side of me that had started to fade away. She woke up the part of me that is curious about the many stories there are to listen to or tell. She has made me think about those sacred colors that live below the surface of our day to day lives. She made me start dreaming about far-away places (India, I miss you!). She made me think about my own story and how I might live it to its furthest reaches. Painting this portrait of Lu has caused me to amp up the color of my dreams.




I think I've found a new love for island dogs. These little experiences, what if we truly let them lead us to whatever is next?

~

new

Yesterday I received a very special gift in the mail. After seeing a necklace that Suzie made, I asked her if I could commission a piece of my own. Let me just say that the power she infused this necklace with takes my breath away. It is not an ordinary piece of jewelery, but is an absolute gift of magic.

Something really powerful happened to me after defending my thesis this past Friday. I experienced a shift. You know that feeling you get on a molecular level that causes your whole world to forever be altered? I was on highway 94 when it happened. I had both hands loosely on the steering wheel; it was raining, and I was leaning slightly forward with a smile on my face completely and utterly turned on by the world and everything around me. Never mind that the sky was grey and threatening to turn into snow. Never mind a lot of things. I was happy and completely present--and for the first time in my life I felt like a woman. Not a girl, but a woman.

Granted, I'm 33 years old and maybe I should have started feeling like a woman a long time ago. But, you see, I've been a daughter, a student, an employee, an underdog for so long that I had never really experienced the full power of my woman-ness.

In my teens and early 20's I was so completely ME. I didn't care what other people thought. I was independent. I was fearless. I was also relatively young. Somewhere along the line, to an extent, I lost the best parts of myself. As a student, adult daughter, and employee I started seeking all the same things: approval, respect, praise, admiration. And I now see how, in the process, I lost little pieces of myself, bit by bit. I allowed my confidence to get rubbed down. I gave away my fire and grace. I replaced some of my favorite qualities with a lowered sense of self-worth. But in these past several months I've started to understand something about the ways that waiting for approval can hold a person back in some seriously disabling ways.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the ways that I've limited myself. I've been trying to understand what happens inside of me when I feel less than capable or less than beautiful or less then anything. What, exactly, happens in the moment that I quit trusting my true self? What is the sensation? What is the trigger?

The day before defending my thesis I met up with my dad for a quick hello. He neglected to wish me good luck or really even acknowledge my accomplishments in any way. In the moment of lamely saying goodbye I felt heart broken and invisible, yet again. But you know what? As I walked away I realized something important: it no longer needs to matter. I can't change him. I can't make him care. And if he does, I can't make him show it. Most importantly, I realized that it is a waste of energy to try and prove myself to him or anyone. Because I've wasted a lot of energy doing that for too many people. I'll still have a relationship with my dad, but from here on out it is going to be on different terms. I'm no longer going to vie for his praise or approval. I'm no longer going to do that for anyone.

After leaving the defense I went out for lunch with one of my professors and she said: "You know, Jessie, you've changed. You're not the same person that you were before." And the funny thing is that I feel like a different person. I feel it from the inside out, and the outside in.

My point is this: I am no longer the same person that I was. I cannot explain it. I cannot describe it. But all I know is that something very important has shifted somewhere deep inside of me. For the first time in my adult life I feel like I am completely and absolutely me.

These days, my life feels like it has caught on fire. I feel empowered and strong. I feel fearless and am hungry for adventure in a way that I have not been in a very long time. Something has shifted and now there is no going back. I am learning and growing and am still scared as hell on a regular basis. But I also feel more capable, willing, daring. Suzie made this necklace with the intention of bringing fire, vitality and joy into my life. I put it around my neck knowing this and feel grateful for the power radiating from her creation. Should I forget any of the lessons I've learned, this necklace is surely a beautiful reminder.

This past week my aunt has been staying with my husband and I while she receives outpatient treatments for Luekemia. She's been in the hospital for the past 4 months and will return for another 3 months beginning next week. I have spent the past several days making sure she is ok and feeling comfortable. I have been sitting in a hospital watching dozens of cancer patients (some just babies and children) and their families doing whatever they need to do just to get through it. My aunt amazes me to extremes. This morning, while sitting on couch, she received the phone call that her own mom died last night--also from cancer. Yesterday, while sitting in the hospital, I received a call that Clara, my adopted grandma, passed away. I keep thinking about Patry Francis and the way she is open to life--it's beauties and pains--with such intensity and love. It is humbling and empowering all at once.

Today I am grateful for the magnificently fierce women in my life. They teach me not to be afraid of transformation. These brilliant butterflies--I am grateful for all of them, including you--my beautiful, strong friends.

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face." ~Eleanore Roosevelt

Read more about Suzie's pendant on her blog. Her story makes me love my new necklace even more!

~

Afterward {a recap}

Comfort food. Oh, sweet room service!

My perch, eagle's nest height.
This is where I prepared for my thesis...

Loving thoughts sent all the way from the UK.
Thank you, Meg!

I received so many wonderful comments and emails from my blogging friends. Wow--I can't even tell you how much that filled my heart! I spent a large portion of my defense talking about how blogging and this blogging community has influenced my writing. I not only thought about all of you, I talked about you! Your energy was with me, loud and clear. Oh, and I should mention that I thanked you all in the acknowledgments, too. ;)

Ready or not...
This is me about 15 minutes before leaving for the defense. I sort of felt like shitting my pants with nervousness...but then I thought: "ahh, hell, I'm as ready as I'm ever going to be!"

and guess what!

I passed! :)

This is the after-thesis-defense-photo. Dr. Nancy Michael (one of my very most favorite professors ever {far left}) walked passed the room just as we were finishing up--perfect timing! The only person this photo is missing is Dr. Mark Christiansen. But these here are the most important women in my academic life. The description I have for them: intelligent, fierce, creative, empowering, and capable of great amounts of love. I might have had a tough time in grad school, but holy kali ma, I am grateful for these powerful women in my life! I have to admit that yesterday made every struggling bit of the past 3 years totally worthwhile.

****
Afterwards, I drove the 4 hours home, then stayed up until midnight getting ready for today's event. 5am came too soon. After much rain and forecast of snow, I was glad to see the sun just barely peaking out on an otherwise dark horizon. By 6am there were birds chirping. Whew!!

Saturday: Walk for Animals

These girls, participating in the walk, both had little kittens tucked in their jackets. So cute! I couldn't resist taking a photo. ;)

Speaking of kittens...
This is a painting of Opal, my hair stylist's baby:

I have more photos and stories to share...but for now I mostly just wanted to say hi and thank you and to let you know that my week has been a raging success. You all have been with me in more ways than you could possibly realize. Despite the exhausted stupor I presently find myself in, I cannot even tell you how good it feels to have closed one chapter of my life and opened another--all in one fell swoop. The timing could not have been more perfect for these details to fall into place. Divine synchronization? I don't know. But one thing I DO know is that I'm going to sleep good tonight!!!

~

twas the night before my thesis defense...

I planned on writing a really thoughtful and introspective post tonight, but now I don't really feel like it. At the moment I am sitting in my hotel suite overlooking Lake Bemidji. I've successfully tucked myself away from the world for some much needed quiet time. Vinny decided to treat me with a bit of luxury before my defense tomorrow--oh, and it feels so nice! I have a soft, king size bed all to myself. Actually, everything in this room is soft. The couch, the chair, the towels, the little bed I made for myself on the over-sized windowsill, even the wonderful dinner I ordered from room service left me with a perfectly comforted feeling. The tension from my day disappeared after a long soak in the hot tub outside, snow surrounding me, but I was warm underwater, enjoying the cool breeze on my face and the crystalline sounds of ice being stirred by waves on the lake. There's an eagles nest at atop the pine tree directly out my window. I love being perched at eagle height.

Just now I pulled two tarot cards from The Goddess Tarot--one for tomorrow (my defense) and one for Saturday (the animal/art event). I llayed back on my big soft bed, kicked my legs up and laughed a big, hearty belly-laugh because the words felt good. This is what they said:

For Friday: King of Staves-- Regal, expansive, and energizing, the King of Staves is the epitome of the sun's power. He has the ability to inspire others to grow because of his enthusiasm. Meanings: Dynamic, stable enthusiasm. Master over business ventures. The ability to bring ideas to fruitation.

For Saturday: I. Magic~Isis: The great Egyptian fertility goddess Isis is a potent symbol of the alchemic transformation suggested by this card (oh, and such a beautiful card it is! it speaks to me on a very deep level). She alone was the possessor of the secret name of Ra, the Egyptian ruling god, giving her unlimited magical powers. Meaning: A growing awareness of the magic within yourself. A yearning to grow beyond perceived limitations. You are able to transform your life through the strength of your originality and power--all you need to to is own it. Renewed creativity and vigor.

I defend my thesis at 11am. I started to get really nervous last night and was this morning too. At some point I realized that I have a choice. I can be miserable and nervous because I was allowing myself to feel that way since that's just what people do in these sorts of situations. OR I could NOT be nervous (or sad or depressed or any of those other negative emotions that were vying for my attention) and INSTEAD just enjoy this moment of rest between an incredibly hectic few weeks.

Please send me your wonderful bloggy vibes over the next couple of days. You people, my blogging community, what would I do without you?? And I'll be sending love right back at ya. ;) Actually, I'm sending it now. Can you feel it?

~

altered.

I've been feeling exhausted lately, but after an evening of painting I feel absolutely re-energized. I wouldn't even bother writing about the extreme tiredness that has accompanied my week except that it fits this photo of Louie so well that I couldn't help but make some sort of connection between the way I've been feeling to his frumpy bottom lip and relaxed pose.

Last night I layed in bed reading a book (Writing as a Way of Healing by Louise DeSalvo) in preparation for the oral defense of my thesis. I've barely even had time to think about any of it and so it felt good to take a few minutes to reconnect myself with the project that I've already grown distant from now that it's finished.

I read a chapter titled "Writing Pain, Writing Loss" and thought about how writing helps me to clarify and better understand the experiences and emotions that are muddy or unclear to me. My thesis revolves around the idea of a sense of place. It is a memoir and explores the past 3 years of my life. It's about loss, but it's also about what I found. Last night, for unknown reasons, a question popped into my head and I wrote it into the margins of my book: "What did I lose, really?"

If I were to boil down all of my losses into one little nugget of truth...there is an emotion at the center of it all that is just as raw as it ever was. It still causes tears to spring to my eyes. It still causes a lump to catch in my throat. It still causes a sharp, deep-pitted sensation somewhere inside of me that I can't quite locate. There was one central experience that encapsulates all the losses combined--and that was the death of my dog, Abe.

I set my book down and attempted to follow two lines of thought: one was the feeling of true groundedness and connection I felt with the land I lived on and the love I felt for Abe; the other was that tight knot of loss I felt in losing both at the same time, and also my grandpa. I should clarify, however, that I didn't actually "lose" my house. I sold it. I sold it because the town it is near lacked the opportunities I desired and I couldn't afford to keep it as a vacation home. Although it was extremely difficult to leave that place in the country, in it's own way, it was necessary. Sometimes following one's heart hurts like hell...and this is one such example.

I didn't expect such a barrage of emotions to come swelling to the surface last night, but now they don't seem to want to go away--at least not yet. Writing past the surface has caused me to look at things from an altered perspective and to realize that these powerful emotions are much more of a gift than a loss. I am grateful to have loved so deeply. But it surprises me how easy it is for me to relive that place and time--as though I could turn around and it would all be there.

This coming Friday I will defend my thesis. A part of me is looking forward to it. Another part of me just wants it to be over. And yet another part of me wonders what it will be like on the other side of a three year struggle. Of course, life is never so black and white, simple, or well-defined. Defending my thesis won't cause me to quit missing Abe. It won't bring back my grandpa's smile. It won't be what connects me to a particular place. It won't rebuild my family. It won't fulfill my dreams. It won't do a lot of things.

Instead, life will just keep moving forward in its own mysterious ways. I'll make more mistakes to be replaced by unexpected joys. I'll keep trying to follow my heart, one little step after another. And, most likely, I'll be altered by life over and over and over again.

In the meantime, Louie has found a new obsession. It started today and the timing is frighteningly uncanny. You see, when Abe died I put his ashes in a ceramic urn that I made myself. The lid has a deep bowl that curves downward, just the right size for his old tennis ball and collar. It sits on the bookshelf, not getting much attention except for an occasional dusting. Today, however, Louie noticed that tennis ball. And now he can't quit thinking about it. He has sat in front of it for hours--whining, begging, and whimpering for us to give it to him. He walks away from it only to return. We haven't given it to him (yet?) because he has about a zillion toys and I don't want Abe's tennis ball to become something to be forgotten about.

But in all honesty, it trips me out a bit.

I find it strange how life gets weaved back into things. I'm not even sure if we ever lose anything. Tonight I painted for several hours and, during that time, everything felt right. All the difficulties went away. The worries, the doubt, the problems that I've had to deal with. My exhaustion was replaced by a feeling of energy. And I am reminded, once again, that none of this would have happened if all that pain and loss wouldn't have come before.

Maybe Louie is psychic. Maybe Abe's sending messages from beyond. Maybe Louie is just obsessed with tennis balls. Maybe things will never be easy. Maybe these tears will never go away. Maybe I'll keep loving so much that someday my heart will burst.

And maybe, in the end, everything will work out perfectly. Or maybe, just maybe, it already is.

~

Oh my dear blog, how I've missed you!

Oh my gosh...has it seriously been this long since my last blog post?? I think I've set a new personal record. I don't think I've ever gone this long without posting--not even while on vacation! I will say, however, that I've been on anything but vacation!

And so where to begin?? Well, let's see...

Last week I found out with just two weeks to spare that one of the Twin Cities' biggest fundraising dog events of the year has exhibitor space (which, for some reason, I stupidly wasn't aware of). Of course, I immediately called the director of events and (lucky break) there were still two spots left! Several problems though:

• I didn't have tent to exhibit in.
• I didn't necessarily have the $ to invest in everything needed (space, tent, inventory).
  
• I was totally unprepared and in great need of inventory!
• The event takes place THE DAY AFTER I'm scheduled to defend my thesis.
• Not to mention, I was still dealing with thesis details AND working AND trying to make headway on the big alphabet commission.

And so I said thank you very much, but maybe next year. I told the woman I wanted to do it, but just didn't feel like I could pull it all together in time. After I hung up the phone I felt a big, ugly bout of depression fall on my head.

Later in the day I sent Thea an email whining about how I had depleted myself to the point of tears by trying to accomplish too much in too little time (during the course of my week long "vacation"). And then I told her about how frustrated I was over my newest dilemma (not knowing about the dog event until so late in the game) and my need for balance in my life. I should mention that I don't usually email Thea, but did so because I had been feeling a strong urge to do so. Oh my holy yes! And am ever glad that I told her about all of it...because you know what she did? Well, long story made short...

(Dear Universe, thank you for blogging friends.)

...she said that she didn't mean to be a trouble maker (oh! I love trouble makers!), but she felt a surge. Then she asked the little question: "I know this sounds crazy, but what if you did sign up?" And then she shared a whole bunch of ways to look at the situation a little bit differently and well...the rest is history. She nudged me--and such a perfectly needed nudge it was!!! Because I was signed up by the next day! :) And that depression? Presto gone!

Can you guess what I've been doing since? Yep, you got it...getting ready! And in order to keep this post from snaking into oblivion...here's the highlights in a bulleted format:

• After Thea suggested that I imagine myself writing the check for the space with a smile on my face and gratitude that the money came out of nowhere, easily...I checked my bank account and realized that there was more there than I thought! *smiling* The check was written easily and with a smile on my face. :)
• Thea suggested that I imagine my tent dilema being solved by receiving unexpected help. Ok...this one sort of blows my mind away. I thought I was going to need my own tent and (after frantic research) found one on sale (but it was still money I don't really have). Tow hours later I found out there was a miscommunication and TENTS ARE PROVIDED!! I was able to easily cancel my tent order and proceeded to clap, dance, and smile over my good fortune some more! :)
• There will be 8,000-9,000 animal lovers and lots of media in attendance! Um...could it get any better? That's a lot of people--the right kind of people, that is!
  
• In the past week I have created a contract, updated my price list, and the best part... designed and ordered greeting cards!! :) I am really excited about the cards and will offer them for sale on my new Etsy soon! (ps. the ugly etsy banner is only temporary).
• I ordered 2,000 more post cards and 500 business cards. Will it be enough? :)-
  
• Connected with 2 metro dog culture business/event directors and hit it off fabulously with both. Dang, I love these people! Not to mention a commission for someone who is capable of promoting my work to the moon and back again! :)
  
• Traveled home, met with my thesis adviser (and a couple favorite professors), accomplished necessary editing, and am ever-so near the end of it all! Oh my god...this is a major accomplishment. How many years have I been working on that thing?
• Got rejected from one art fair, BUT found two more events that will be much better for me. I was a bit bummed and stressed out upon first receiving the rejection letter (came today)...but the more I think about it, the more I think it's going to work out for the better.
• Went shopping and found some wonderfully inexpensive new clothes for NEW YORK! Um...did I mention that I'm going to New York in 3 weeks? I can't wait!!!! :) Oh, and you should see that freaking fabulous sunglasses I got! I've decided to dub them my "happy glasses."
• Met a blogger/email friend for the first time and she is so INCREDIBLY WONDERFUL!! :)
  
• Met with our dog trainer today with Anu (I love saying that: "our dog trainer" ;)). 9 years of leash aggression has been addressed and solved! Sure, we need to continue practicing what we learned, but why didn't I do this a long time ago?? Amazing. Maureen is incredible!!!
• Rearranged my office for a more efficient and comfortable workspace. It was getting ridiculous. Even my cats were about a thousand times more comfortable than I was.
• Speaking of cats...today I started my first feline portrait (of my sweet baby, Viscosa).
  
• Spent an afternoon hanging out with and taking photos of horses.
  
• Painted half an alphabet. Found out that it doesn't need to be done as quickly as I originally planned, which opens up the time I need to finish preparing for the event which is less than two weeks away!
• Was given a gift of a pine cone and, in the process, learned a great lesson about what is possible when you allow yourself to fully open.
• Stayed up until nearly 2 am writing this post...but loved every second of it because I've missed it here!
  

Ok...I'm sure I'm leaving details out, but this is enough to catch us up to speed. Yeah? Basically, I've been running my ass off...but I don't remember the last time I felt so involved, focused, and HAPPY!! Running my ass off is nothing new to me...but being energized by it? Now THAT is something new! :)

This work, it inspires me. I am loving the business aspects of Stray Dog Arts just as much as I am the creative aspects. I told Thea that I didn't think I could do the Walk for Animals because my life felt out of balance. Turns out that signing up for all this has put my life INTO balance. Weird how that works. I felt myself turn a corner for the positive this past week. And you know what? It's all starting to fall into place more beautifully than I could have ever planned for.

~

Grow.

Yesterday I spent a large portion of my day beginning work on my largest commission, to date. The stack of boxes full of canvases stretching from floor to ceiling has been a bit intimidating, but it felt good to finally get started on it. For the next couple weeks I will be taking a side-step away from my pet portraits and will be focusing on a series of 25 (18"x18") canvases, each with a letter of the alphabet inspired by vintage wood, metal, and Las Vegas boneyard signs.

The finished piece will hang in a nearly 8 foot x 8 foot square on a huge beautiful wall of a designer's studio/office space. Wanna know the best part? My artwork will be sharing a home with THREE Bloomsbury orginals!!! And if you're not familiar with the Bloomsbury Group, they were the wonderfully wild group of artist and writer friends who Virginia Woolf hung out with. I realize that this makes me a complete and utter literary geek, but someone please pinch me! As a grad student I spent an entire semester intensely studying the Bloomsbury Group's work and writing essays about the influences that occur between visual art and writing. And now my art is going to be next to their art?? In my book, that counts as a compliment to the highest degree!!

Anyway, when all is said and done, I'm looking forward to having giclee prints made of the letters and trying my luck with them on Etsy. I'm enjoying this feeling of having several baskets full of eggs (versus having all my eggs in one basket). Although the commission alone is enough to make me happy, it would be nice to have a gift that keeps on giving, so to speak. That is, a source of income that doesn't require me to be constantly producing new work--especially at times when I need a break, am working on a project that doesn't produce instant income, or when I get backed up with other commissions.

One thing I'm learning is how to manage both my flow of energy and flow of income. Maybe it's because these endeavors feel so fresh and new and exciting, but I'm having a lot of fun with this--mostly because I'm beginning to realize just how much I get to create my own reality. I realize that I might sound like I'm regurgitating Law of Attraction philosophies, but (holy cats!!) it's FOR REAL!! Ok, ok, in all honest, I occasionally start doubting myself, my art, my dreams...BUT the second I let go of those thoughts and simply get back to work, things start flowing again. It's down right weird.

Granted, I find it difficult to simply turn off my negative thoughts, as though they were a light switch. However, every time I just set my thoughts aside and return to my studio or do whatever needs to be done, the ball starts rolling once again. On Tuesday I went and talked to my boss about hiring another employee because I wasn't sure how much longer I would be able to work there and I don't want to leave her in a pinch during her busiest season. Mind you, I've been putting that conversation off for months now because I was, well...afraid. Now that all is said and done I'm left wondering what I was really so afraid of. She was absolutely understanding, thankful, supportive, and hopeful for me. I cut back to 2 days a week in May with the understanding that even that might not last much longer.

When I got home I found an email for a new commission in my inbox. Later in the day I met 3 dog trainers, 2 of whom want me to paint their dogs and know of several other people that would be interested as well. It amazes me how taking a step forward, no matter how big or small, is all it takes for the Universe to crack open and rain gifts.

These days, I am growing--as an artist, a dreamer, a thinker. I have a new word in my active vocabulary and it is: entrepreneur. I don't know why, but I'm really loving that word these days. I barely even know how to spell it! But I love the way it feels, the way it sounds, the way I have to consciously make my mouth muscles move through its unfamiliar word shape.


There were certain concepts that struck me most deeply during the past 3 months of participating in Circe's Circle. They are:

ABUNDANCE.
FREEDOM.
AUTHENTICITY.

And that is what the word "entrepreneur" represents for me. It is an avenue, an opportunity, a path. The part I love the most is how I get to make it look any way I want. Well, actually, we all get to do that. I just didn't realize it until recently. ;)

(Louis, my studio-mate and business partner)

~

Wolfie Love

This is my wolfie, Anu.
She is my greatest teacher
of love and wildness.

But my wolfie, old girl, is not so wild anymore
although
forever full of love.

~

The Chronicles of Jessie: The Story of a Woman Who Succeeded (a story in progress...)

It's a gray spring morning and I've used the quiet time of this morning for an opportunity to clean the house. Vinny's been sick most of the week and things were starting to feel in need of a good de-germing and airing out. Luckily, spring has arrived to our frozen corner of the world and I was even able to open doors and windows. The house is now filled wish the smell of fresh air, candles, coffee, and quiet. *Deep breath* I am enjoying this feeling of freshness immensely.

But that's not what my post is supposed to be about. Hmmmm...where to begin? I want to tell you about a book that I'm reading and LOVING: Secrets of Six-Figure Women by Barbara Stanny. I found the book through Jamie after she gave us questions from the book as homework for Circe's Circle. I found the questions interesting and, since I've been putting a lot of focus on my financial well-being these days, I of course ran to the nearest bookstore and bought it. Mind you, I've never shopped in the business/finance section of the bookstore before and I had absolutely no idea that there was anything in that section would be THIS GOOD! I haven't been able to put it down!

The book, however, is not a sit down and read from cover to cover sort of book. It's more like a read a chapter and then do a whole lot of thinking, journaling, excavating, visualizing, and realizing sort of book. I decided early on that I wanted to blog about my experience of moving towards my dream. Granted, dreams are ever-evolving, but I feel truly blessed to be walking the path I'm on. I'm beginning to see how I could even start mapping it all out. And, although we each will have a very unique experience in following our hearts, it's important to me that I share my journey here just in case it should inspire another to do the same. For me, there is nothing more powerful than knowing that there are others striving for similar goals and blogging has been an incredibly empowering tool for connecting and amplifying the positive energy of growth. We are a domino effect gently nudging each other forward--helping each other through our lows and celebrating our accomplishments no matter how large or small.

One thing that I quickly realized in reading Stanny's book is that I fall very easily into her category of UNDER-EARNERS. I mean, I was actually cringing as I read that chapter because of how well I fit all the credentials. I feel as though I have grown a lot in these past few months and also as though my vision has expanded enormously. I look back at the way I thought about what I was capable of having, doing, and earning at the beginning of the Be Brave Project and compare it to where I'm at now and I'm just like: WOW!! I was limiting myself in so many ways! But it's a learning process, isn't it. Because I'm still learning. There's still so much farther to go. Even now (especially now!!) I'm realizing just how many limiting beliefs I've been carrying around...but the weird thing is how much FUN I'm starting to have myth-busting my thinking patterns. Sure, it is sometimes painful and aggravating and enormously frustrating, but the more I experience myself moving past those feelings, the more I am beginning to learn that it IS possible to move past anything!

I'm beginning to think of this blog as "The Chronicles of Jessie." Right now is the part where I get to witness myself move from near poverty to enormous wealth. I've always had issues with money (who doesn't?). I've always equated money with shallowness, mental illness, loneliness, disillusionment, lack of soulful purpose, lies, and unhappiness. When I was in my teens and twenties I boldly committed to living a life true to my heart, not money. I do not regret that because it served me well and pushed me to live a wonderfully non-conventional young life: I traveled the world, lived great adventures, and learned about myself in ways that I could have never learned if I had lived those years striving for money. I lived well and I lived completely.

However, I am beginning to realize that my old beliefs about money no longer serve me. And, if anything, they are a hindrance to my ability to live from my heart. These days I am learning how money can be a positive force. Financial success. That is something I never thought would be a part of my story--that is, until now. I thought that living true to myself meant that I had to live with less. That was the trade-off (or so I thought). But my eyes are just now starting to open up to the possibility that there is no reason in the world why living passionately and soulfully can't bring you everything you want and more.

Yes, so this week, in my mind, I've been blogging about all of these thoughts (a whole lot more eloquently, I might add!), but basically, The Chronicles of Jessie is going to be the story of a girl woman living her dreams. Despite whatever hardships may or may not arise, I think (well, actually I know) I would like to make my life a success story.

I had a happy realization last week that I've made more money doing art than I have doing anything else in my entire life. LIGHT BULB! :) Who said you can't make a living off of art? Who said you can't make a GOOD living off of art? Myth: BUSTED.

Everything is changing and my life is already not the same life that it was before. These days I'm learning how to be open. I'm learning how to discard old crutches and belief systems. And ya wanna know what? ...this week is the first time in years that I've had more money than I actually need to squeak by. Coincidence? I don't think so. I'm nowhere near six-figures (yet? ;)), but I am standing here feeling AMAZED by how good this ABUNDANCE feels!!! :)

Recommended reading: Secrets of Six-Figure Women by Barbara Stanny.

~

Trixie and Adeline

Tonight I lovingly packaged up my most recent commissions for two very dear blogging friends Tori and Imelda. I am learning rather quickly that it is impossible to know in advance how long, exactly, it will take to paint a portrait. Every painting I have ever done has always been a new experience. And this was no exception when it came to painting portraits of Adeline (top left) and Trixie (bottom right).

I am still amazed by how much emotion I can have for a dog by the time I am done painting it. I suppose if you look at something long enough, you can walk away with a greater familiarity of it, no matter what it is. But it's hard to explain. It's something more than that. I am sitting here right now struggling with words to explain what I mean...and finding it impossible. Something extraordinary happens when I paint dogs. It is an intuition, an understanding, a unexplainable connection. All I know is that I am grateful that this happens because, somehow, it feels very much like a gift.

As I worked on Adeline's portrait what I felt was an absolute, pure, complete trust. I can tell that she loves her people with her entire being. You know that feeling of loving someone so much that you can barely stand it? That feeling of wanting to be close, so close that you can never get close enough? In painting Adeline's portrait, it seems to me that she has given her whole heart to Tori and B. and they have given their whole hearts to her. I mean, really, how many hours did I work on her painting, feeling that powerful love the entire time? Do you see why this work fills me so completely?

In painting both Adeline and Trixie, what I saw (or rather, felt) was the great amount of love that they hold for their human companions. Trixie (Imelda's dog), has sadly passed away. Still, I could feel her life stretching right past the canvas and into our living, breathing world. Funny how that love and energy doesn't go away--even after one dies. I smiled often while painting Trixie's portrait--mostly because of the goofy little grin she had on her face, but also because I could sense her body just barely able to control her eagerness for love. Several years ago, my dog Abe passed away. If one could ever have a soul-dog, then he was mine. He was what one might call my familiar. When he died my whole world just sort of fell out from under me. He might have been "just a dog," but to me he was much more than that and his loss was the most devastating experience of my life. Adopting Louie has helped to heal my heart in a hundred thousand ways. I was even starting to forget that tender spot in my heart. That is, until I started painting Trixie's and Adeline's portrait.

The thing that blows me away is how everything in my life has brought me to this work. I have struggled often these past couple months in maintaining a belief in myself that is strong enough to get me past this time of "in between." That is, this time between stretching myself too thin between both work and painting...this time before taking the necessary next step into full-time artistville. There have been many days when I was the only person that actively believed in myself (or at least that's how it felt). There have been days when even that belief became dangerously nonexistent. If I wanted to play it safe I suppose I could get a job with benefits and a steady pay-check, but then I pick up my paint brushes and am filled with such...aliveness.

What would it take for me to believe that this work will take care of me? What would it take for me to have greater faith that my heart knows the most financially/ emotionally/ mentally/ spiritually/ physically satisfying path? And what would happen if I allowed myself to feel as connected to me as I do the subjects I paint?

Be Brave.

~