Tuesday, October 17, 2006

without title:

Get up in the dark.
Say goodbye to husband.
Walk the dog in the rain.
Take shower.
Make coffee.
Sit down at computer and get to work.

So far today, my work has been in creating a schedule for myself that will (hopefully) insure that work actually gets done. Writing, that is. I'll admit, I'm wary of myself. I don't quite trust my promises...but this time it is different. This time I am no longer the "bread-winner" of this little 2 person family. This time I quit a job, largely, so that I would have more time to write. This time I expect more than hot-air from myself. I write. I write a lot. But, lately, I have not been writing with any specific purpose.

ok...ok...so maybe I'm scared (yes, actually, I am). I'm scared of all the same things that I have been for the past 2 1/2 years. Ug. I don't want to write that. I am so sick of hearing these thoughts that it is actually getting ridiculous. Fine. Let it be ridiculous. Because if it gets ridiculous enough...then I can set my fear down on the side of the road and forget about it. Goodbye. I've had enough of you, fear. I'm imagining myself on the side of a freeway. I'm wearing running shoes and everything is grey--the sky, the cars, the concrete, my clothes. (I think I've become a character in a children's book.) I set fear down in the gravel. I say: "Goodbye fear. I'm sick of you." And then I turn and walk away, down the side of the road. I love grey days and so I am happy to be walking away empty handed. The sky makes me want to take deep breaths. I'm wearing good shoes, fear has been neglected on the side of the freeway like so much trash (biodegradable, of course)... and I'm free to just go... I can go as far as I want...farther than ever before because I've just set down that nagging weight that's been holding me back for far too long.


paris parfait said...

Hooray for you, Jessie! Finding a "schedule" that works for you is the key - and of course, balance is the most important. I know you´re going to do really well - everything is falling in place to make it happen. And you have the talent and the heart to drive your writing goals.

Jessie said...

thanks paris! never mind the mass-editing i just did on this post (if you read the first version, that is). i meant all of it, but thought i'd try to say it again (later) without so much rambling. ;)

Anonymous said...

i'm sitting here, struggling to get 5 poems written by 7, (what the f*** am i doing to myself?) with no twinklings of any in the ether, so i admire your ability to discipline. i love that image of you, getting up early in the morning to write...makes me purr right along with your cat.

and i'm not saying that you should do it here, but maybe (and i'm sure you have, but writing it down) naming the fear (s) would help?

Jessie said...

bee, maybe i should have not deleted the last part of this post. i realize now that what i've offered is something quite glum, when, in fact, i woke up this morning feeling very excited at the prospects of getting to work. as for that fear part...i think it kinda looks like that gollum character. and what i'm doing right now...what i'm in the process of doing...is finally getting the gumption to work right past that ugle little creature. today feels for real....like the beginning of something new....and right now i'm going to write that letter (i was just about to start) because i think that will help with the process of this thing called: moving forward.

good luck with your poems. i know you'll pull it of, because you always do. i think you work well under pressure. ;)

Loralee Choate said...

I'm still in awe that you get up in the freaking DARK when technically you don't have to.



swampgrrl said...

you go grrrllll!!!
fear can be left on the side of the road. it'll always be there if you want to pick it back up again.

aithbhreac said...

Thanks for your comment on my blog. It allowed me to discover yours! You are living my dream life of quitting the j-o-b to write and I applaud you! I know "the fear" and am attempting to conquer mine too. I'm also signing up for NaNoWriMo with a huge challenge to myself to write all my words in between working full time. Sending you lots of good wishes for fun, productive writing!

melba said...

you made my day...my week...my life (and as you can tell from my recent posts I really needed a pick me up)!!!

I love having pieces of you!!!

It is soooo comforting to know you connect with me.
A million thank yous!

What kind of writing do you want to do? I know you have a website about painting. What are your goals and aspirations?
I want to know you more and it occured to me that I don't know this about you. I know you are working on your thesis, but then...?

I hope these questions don't pressure you. It is just me, your friend, wanting to know you more. :)


Kristine said...

I love this - especially that the fear is biodegradable and will eventually dissolve and fade away into nothing- or rather, into something that will become fuel for a greater purpose... Yeah, I know - I'm thinking too much. In any case I am cheering you on!

sophie said...

a schedule, and chai, and
lots of breaks.

Mark said...


I'm guessing that your fear is a function of realizing your own enormous possibilities.