Thursday, May 25, 2006

Sunday Scribblings: First Love

Disclaimer: rough, raw...this is not good writing. it doesn't have to be. i'm not sure it could be.

This weeks prompt for Sunday Scribblings is First Love. I'm going to make myself do this one because: #1) I tried, but then skipped out on the last 2 weeks--I've been a Sunday Scribblings slacker; and #2) I haven't been writing much lately and I'm not sure why except that I don't have anything to say about my life these days. I find endless pleasure in noticing the smallest details in the things that surround me. But every once in awhile, like lately, I get sick of everything and the world lacks its usual sparkle--which, in turns, offers me very little to write about.

But that's not what I sat down to say.

I experienced my "first love" in high school. But I don't want to write about him or any of my old boyfriends, for that matter. I've ended nearly all my relationships with boys/men on good terms and remained friends with many of them for years after breaking up. But somewhere along the line I started to notice a pattern that I am no longer interested in: I dated (and fell in love with) men that used me. They were always good looking and usually good in bed...but too many of my relationships lacked commitment. To be honest, I don't even know why I stayed friends with most of them. Maybe I was keeping them around as backup in case nothing else worked out or maybe I was just plain delusional. I was not a stranger to recycling old boyfriends. I was stupid, too nice, and maybe a little bit lonely. I don't know. I think sometimes it was more than that...because I felt, deep down, they were good people who I had an honest connection with. But some, like I said, just plain used me.

When I met my husband--something inside of me shifted. Good god, everything in me shifted. I no longer felt the need or even wanted to stay in contact with old flames. I quit answering the phone when they called. I quit answering their letters and e-mails. And, still, I am not interested in maintaining friendships with any of them. With distance from several of these people I am able to see more clearly what too many of my past relationships were really about--and it is disappointing. I am disappointed in them and disappointed in myself for letting it happen and not seeing it sooner.

To me, old relationships are tangled webs. And the most tangled web of all is J., an ex-boyfriend (and close friend) who committed suicide shortly after I decided to cut off contact. He sent a letter and then an e-mail before it happened. I didn't respond to either. I'm not saying that I was the cause of his suicide, but I can't help but wonder if something I might have said could have changed his mind, could have changed the outcome. It is a hard thought to live with (what a cliched understatement!). Of all of my crappy, selfish, controlling, stupid ex-boyfriends--he had the biggest heart. But I didn't want anything more to do with any of them..because, let's face it, he used me too.

God damn it--I was going to write about my DOG!!! What happened???

and now I don't even know what to do with these words...I'm going to post this since I don't know what else to do (even though I feel like I just opened up a can of worms)...

Maybe tomorrow I'll write about my dog.

If you came directly to this post through Sunday Scribblings, I ended up writing more about it the next day here. In rereading this post, I realized how abruptly I ended. It took me somewhere I wasn't expecting to go...but I'm glad I returned to the subject. I think I needed to.


deirdre said...

"When I met my husband--something inside of me shifted. Good god, everything in me shifted." It's amazing isn't it? After all the crummy stuff to finally find the one you've been looking for.

gkgirl said...

i think it would be interesting
to read other peoples versions
of this prompt
because i suspect many of us
will echo a similar story
to some degree, to some depth,
where at different points
in each person's story,
another person will be able to say,
"there. that is the thread in
your story, that also runs through
my story."

i hope that made sense.

and i'm glad you wrote about
what you wrote about,
even if it was your subconcious
in control of the type.

The Bold Soul said...

Sometimes the ones with the biggest hearts are also the most messed up. They're great on the OUTSIDE: kind, sweet, funny, giving. On the INSIDE there is something missing. I suspect the same is true of my own first love because as sweet as he was as a boy, as a man he really made a mess of his life. (You can read my Scribblings post about that.) When I found out what a mess he was in, there was a part of me that wondered "could I have saved him? Could I have made a difference?" -- but I knew the answer. We can't save people from themselves.

AscenderRisesAbove said...

wonderful illustration for the topic.

Hundred and one said...

I very much enjoyed the rawness of this. Thank you for sharing

Loralee Choate said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Loralee Choate said...

Good illustrations. I don't know if it will help, but you can take it straight from the horse's mouth (Translation: I was and still am a "Mess").

Could you have possibly done "Something"? Maybe for a moment, maybe on the surface. I'm not going to lie. Sometimes someone saying something can alter a split second decision. Maybe.

HOWEVER. If he was determined IT.WOULD.HAVE.HAPPENED. sooner or later. You couldn't fix what was broken or fill what was missing. Trust me.

I am so sorry that this happened. Dealing with loss can be scary, terrible and strange. It's like many unknowns though...once you start you may be in chaos, but you'll be better off in the end and it won't be so scary.

Don't be surprised if this branches off into a few other is normal and common.

BIG OLE' HUGS to a great gal (Who also happens to be an artist).

paris parfait said...

Oh, Jessie you dear brave soul, you! Thank you for this searingly honest post. I went through some of the same kinds of experiences as you. And it's true how everything changes when you meet someone who really sees you for the amazing woman you are and honours and cherishes you. I'm reminded of the Don Henley song "Everything is Different Now."

Kristine said...

Thanks for being so vulnerable. This post has made me think about so many things including the way sin which women tend to accept less than they are worth.
I am glad you found the one that recognizes the treasure in you.

Maggie said...

...I don't even know what to say. Your writing was so honest and so brave. I hope you find a way to de-tangle your thoughts and feelings and emotions on this subject. I'm thinking of you. xo

AnnieElf said...

The ending may have been abrupt but it was effective anyway. Isn't abrupt ending a good way to describe many of our endings? So the ending fit right in.

NuttersNotes said...

Never look back. You made the decision at the time you did based on the information available. You did the best that you could. Your late friend made a similar decision....which may have had nothing to do with yours. We all have to move on in life and, with any luck, we'll all meet up again later. Thanks for the transparency.

Alexandra S said...

This post evokes so many different feelings for me. I am grateful you chose to be so honest and open here. Hopefully love leaves more blessings than scars in our lives, though no one can avoid either. (&I've been a Sunday Scribblings slacker too until today!)

Tongue in Cheek Antiques said...

I am glad you didn't write about your dog, and dove into the truth of love and fear and not knowing.

JourneyThroughLIfe said...

This was such an amazing post. I am SO glad you posted it. You put it into words what I am sure so many of us have experienced.
Despite the feelings that it brought up, I really enjoyed reading it.
Thank you.

Anonymous said...

This was such a brave post. I think I'm still processing it (and I read this on Friday, and still don't quite know what to say, days later). I can feel you uncertain, scrambling for solid ground that shifts as you write...I was just talking about this to another friend. Some people/situations refuse to be unpuzzled and unpacked. Sometimes there is no moral. Sometimes there was nothing you could have done.

I am so glad you found the love that shifted everything for you.

GoGo said...

I'll read your next post, but first I wanted to say its nice to purge things, isn't it.

Nice read.

Jemima said...

I love it when a writing prompt takes you somewhere unexpected.

Would you have felt even worse if you'd responded and he still killed himself? Maybe.

Enjoyed reading this.

Jemima x

boliyou said...

I love the line "When I met my husband--something inside of me shifted. Good god, everything in me shifted." What a powerful statement on the impact of love.