Thursday, May 18, 2006

hi. my name is jessie.

I was just about to go to bed, but something didn't feel right. Then it dawned on me that I hadn't blogged today. I've gotten in the habit of blogging everyday (or nearly), so now when I don't it kinda feels like forgetting to brush your teeth...or getting halfway through the day before you realize that your socks don't match.

Lately I've been feeling like hiding out. I'm in introvert mode. Hiding out is not easy. Maybe I just need some time to regain my energy. I've been in a bit of a slump. I have time to sit down and relax, but I haven't yet. I'm walking around in a weird daze avoiding people, looking for ways to concentrate without interruption, doing several things at once and at all times. I feel awkward, displaced, like I'm off by an inch. I feel like a 3-D image without the 3-D glasses to give myself dimension.

Yesterday our landlord's realtor came over to walk through the house because it was just listed. Here we go again...another summer's worth of trying to sell a house...but this time it isn't even ours. Vinny and I want to move. I'll miss it here, but it's time to get out. Maybe it's my mood talking again...but really--we're sick of it...or maybe "it" is sick of us...we haven't quite figured out which way it goes.

Tonight my brother-in-law called about a house his co-worker, a psychology professor, is thinking about renting because she and her family are moving and their house hasn't sold. It sounds wonderful. A nice neighborhood, right next to a great trail system, a yard, garage, plenty of room...and best of all, it's close to my favorite restaurant, the Taste of India. Fingers crossed. It would feel good to have one small aspect of our lives in order.

And maybe that's it...why I can't find my place. Right now I'm just looking for that little corner of the world that can contain me...for something to hold my brain in place--even if it is temporary.


Loralee Choate said...

I think a LOT of people are kind of in a slump. I've been and I want to snap out of it.

I think it is because school is ending and summer is beginning. I'm not in school, but my kids are and you FEEL it keenly as a parent.

Moving will be a good thing for a fresh, crisp journal. You love the old, dog-eared ones you have filled, but the new one is shiny, new and BLANK...full of possibilites!

Oh, man. I am stuffed from dinner, but suddenly I am craving Chicken Masala...


Maggie said...

Oh Jessie, I too know that aimless looking-for-a-place-where-it-all-comes-together (or at least has the potential to) feeling. I just read through your last few posts, and even as an undergrad, I can TOTALLY relate. I'm sorry you're having to go through all that. You seem really strong though, and I admire your ability to see past it. I'm rooting for you (and a new house!). xo

P.S. Thank you for all your encouraging messages on my blog!

Joy Eliz said...

yes...I know exactly how you feel. I like to hide out a lot! I sometimes feel that I'm hyper-sensitive to everything so I limit myself to exposure that wears me out.
Changing residences would probably lead me to a closet. Dark and quiet - ha-ha!!

erin said...

i say, revel in your hermit-hood. times like now are when its important to listen to those impulses, i think. but enjoy it, indulge yourself. go camping or hiking with the pooch, do solitude in style, baby!

Tammy said...

It's a pain in the a** having to keep a house tidy. You are in between lives and that is tough. Adventure and new beginnings await :)


Anonymous said...

I'm sure you will find fruit in this in between time...but I know how it can make you feel so anxious, and make you feel like reaching for something, ANYTHING, to provide certainty. At least, that's how it works for me. Good luck with the move (can't wait to see you there!)