I set the alarm early this morning and should be working on something right now, but I just read Ruby's post and it has caused me to stop and think.
Ever since finishing school I've been working like a maniac. I replaced school with work and work with moving and now moving with looking for more work. I've only had time to read (and finish!) one book this summer. There is something horribly wrong with this picture. True, I've taken time to explore the woods with wolfie and to write on a daily basis...but what is this constant push? What is this persistent need to be in action?
Yesterday I filled out an hour long on-line application for a supervisor position at a big bookstore. Part of the application consisted of 47 pages worth of questions (5-6 questions to each page) used to evaluate my work ethic and leadership skills. There were a lot of trick questions: questions asked multiple times, asked backwards, or in different ways--and I imagine that back at Bookstore Central there is a psychologist analyzing my answers or, more likely, a computer that spits out my personality type and work tendencies.
In the end, as best I could judge, I probably come across as your typical Type A, all-American workaholic--go, go, go, don't stop! (just what they're looking for!) Don't get me wrong--I'm still hoping for the job. But I don't think it needs to be that way. Nor to I think it should be that way.
Unpacking photo albums, I came across V. and my wedding pictures. I can't believe how much both of us have changed in these nearly 3 years. You know when you look at photos of you parents' wedding and exclaim, "They look so young!" Yeah. That's the reaction I had. I'm ok with growing older--and, actually, I think age (and owning your age) is a very beautiful thing. But looking at those photos makes me feel as though our lives have taken an unhealthy turn towards too much stress and pressure.
Let's face it: bills need to be paid.
But beyond that I am beginning to realize two very important factors in life: attitude and approach. My attitude towards life, my perception of what success really is, and knowing how to prioritize what I truly value is what is becoming most important. I want my approach to this new start in life to include a certain amount of faith--faith in knowing that the rest will come--even though it is not always an easy feat when pressure is beating in on you from every angle. Faith is a word I've loved since I was a kid. I don't know why, but it's a word that stuck with me. These days, I'd like to make better use of that word.
This morning, as I sit drinking a very wonderful cup of coffee with my cat, Vico, looking out the window next to me, I kind of feel like crying. Well actually, there's no "kinda" about it at all. I'm not sad. I think everything just finally caught up with me.
I'm sitting here, finally sitting still, in both body and mind, planning out my future, yet realizing the importance of the present moment ...and...well...
I want this next year to be different.