For the love of Sunday:

~

Dream Studio: A Request.

Dear Universe,

I want a warehouse studio space and it would make me very happy if it looked something like this:

PLEEEEEEEEEEAASE!!! Pretty please, with sugar on top? :)

Once upon a time, I asked the universe for a very specific sort of place to live and every little last detail was fulfilled. Actually, I've been quite blessed in my life because this has happened to me on several occasions. I have never been able to prove whether this is due to magic or persistence, but that's besides the point.

These days I've been doing some serious day dreaming about a real studio space. Right now I paint in my basement and it is, well...less than inspiring. As I ready myself to take some large leaps into the world art making, oooh, I droooooooooool over photographs like this one!

Dearest, most loving Universe, these are my studio requirements:

• preferably in an old warehouse or a space with warehouse features
• high ceilings
• BIG windows
• a sink
• s-p-a-c-e
• curtains and chairs (as shown) are optional, but I do like them very much. :)
  

I will bring with me:

• a couch (well, umm....actually, I'm going to need one of these too.)
  
• workbench
• 2 easels
• paints
• stretcher bars and canvas
  
• my paint brushes
• 2 dogs
• photography lights
• a pretty plant
• coffee pot
  
• small refrigerator (optional)
• music
  
• hammer, nails
• screws, electric screw gun
• journal
• pens and pencils
• *copious amounts of painterly passion*

What do ya say, Universe? Wanna help me out with this one? *wink, wink* ;)

With great amounts of love and expectation,
Jessie

ps.
this photograph was ripped out of my favorite catalog: Anthropologie...and has now been added to my vision board where I will look at it every day. :)

~

Abundance, revisited.

I stayed up until nearly 2 am last night working on a collage. Every week we are given homework for Circe's Circle and this week I gave myself the assignment to create a collage since I've been wanting to do one for months now, but just haven't taken the time to actually do it.

After seeing Melba's Vision Cards, despite the late hour, I felt a surge of inspiration and without a moment's hesitation I took that energy directly downstairs to my studio and got to work. I'm glad I did it because this morning when I woke up it was one of the first things I saw upon entering my office and it sort of took my breath away. You know that feeling when you get a really serious haircut or a dramatic new color? Yes, it sort of felt like that. And it felt good.

When I began I wasn't sure what I wanted the collage to be about or what it would include. I simply collected images from magazines and items laying around my studio space. I was looking for things that resonated with me. There was one word in particular that kept replaying in my head: ABUNDANCE. Seems like I've been carrying that word around with me for awhile now and since that was the thought that I was most attracted to, it is largely what the collage came to reflect.

I chose images that were ripe, heavy, bulbous, and earthy. Over and over I found myself most attracted to deep, rich, vibrant colors. I was looking for things that made me feel alive, grounded, energetic. The images I chose do not surprise me all that much--except for the word "home." For some reason I wasn't expecting that to come out of last night's collage even though it is, indeed, a deep desire I carry within me. The images in this collage make me feel a profound sense of fullness and satisfaction. That is, after all, what I'm after these days.

There are a lot of ripe fruits and voluminous bulbs and gourds, a butterfly and bee, heavy with nectar. There are densely blooming flowers, a young girl running in the ocean's tide, dogs, glowing timbers of a house under construction, a 10 Rupee note from India, and a handwritten reminder that reads: anything is possible when you believe.

I ended up putting the whole thing in a frame that I got last fall. It's been sitting in the basement ever since, waiting for the perfect something that I was never able to materialize until now.


Today, quite honestly, was a challenging day. Tuesdays have been like this for me lately because it is the day before my "work week" begins and the last day in a series of three to get a lot of painting, paperwork, and errand running accomplished. I have a hard time switching gears between my artist's life and my work life. Not that the artist's life isn't work. To be sure, it is. But it is work that I truly enjoy--even the parts that don't require me to have a paintbrush in my hand. There is so much more to making a living as an artist than simply making art! Oh, but I posses a strange love for all of it. Needless to say, Tuesday rolls around and I start to feel the drowning water of Wednesday begin to rise. Because I am never able to accomplish as much as I would have liked to, Tuesday is the day that I start to feel stretched too thin.

But soon...soon things will fall into place and I will be able to focus my energies in ways that will serve my sense of well being more completely. There has already been much abundance that has entered into my life. Its form has taken many shapes and, for this, I am thankful. When I take a step back from the overwhelming details of my day I see that, like the images in this collage, my life is very beautiful. The best part is that I truly, truly believe that all of these things will come into my life--this ripeness, this color, this sense of home, naturalness, money, and play. Someday soon I will look back at this time and think: Wow. I knew all along! I just need to remind myself of this...especially on days when it feels like I don't know anything at all.

Namaste
~

Easter Sunday at Bob's

I admit it: I skipped out on Easter at grandma's in a futile attempt to catch up with my life. Mind you, I will probably never actually accomplish this feat, but it felt good to enjoy a relatively nonobligatory day and, for that, I do not feel guilty. Actually, the gravity of Easter didn't really hit me until V. and I attempted to go grocery shopping only to find that NOTHING was open! I suppose that makes me a bad Catholic, doesn't it? Hmmph. Luckily, the Trader Joe Pagans were open and so we didn't starve.

I spent much of the day working on a portrait of a sweet blog-dog named Adeline. I love that name and, oddly enough, have fallen in love with the dog as well. Never mind that I've never even met her. Her sweet eyes have been looking up at me for days (from the photograph and then the canvas) and now and I can't help it--my heart has been swallowed whole. I've also been working on a portrait of another blog-dog named Trixie. Trixie has unfortunately passed on but, even so, her spirit is alive and well. I can feel it in the little smile she puts on my face whenever I work on her portrait. She looks at me with these big, joyful, expectant eyes and I imagine her little body nearly quivering with expectation. I feel honored to be painting both of these beautiful beings and can only hope that the end result of both will do justice to the love barely containable in a 16" x 16" canvas.

Afterwards, I headed down to Bob's for a cup of coffee, where I found more bad Catholics (yay!)...and took a photo of myself with my webcam for unknown reasons (see above). I brought with me 2 large bags of books and my laptop with the intention of editing an essay and writing the Works Cited page for my thesis. For some reason, I felt the need to get out of my usual space and spread out in order to accomplish this not-so-small task. My thesis is an interesting oddity to me now that I've finished writing it. It is difficult for me to encounter. I realize that "encounter" is a strange word to use within this context, but that is what it feels like: an encounter. It feels as though it is an actual encounter with myself, a meeting of myself--that is, a self that I once was in the past--a self that I once knew well and, like an old friend, will always understand better than anyone else.

From the stack of books I brought with me, there is one book in particular that still intrigues me the most, a book that I used as a resource in the writing of my thesis: Writing as a Way of Healing: How Telling Our Stories Transforms Our Lives by Louise DeSalvo. There are times that I feel like I am nearly leaping out of my skin with excitement and curiosity. There are so many things I want to do and see and create and understand. There will never be an end to this learning. There will never be an end to this intense interest in the layers of meaning and connectedness that create my life and that life creates.

Over and over I find myself struggling with the issue of time. Always, I'm looking for more. Never, do I have enough. The feeling is intense: this love I feel for life. Sometimes I feel like I could live forever--and, still, it would not be enough.

These days, my life is in the middle of a transformation. I often find myself in a storm somewhere between holding back and pushing forward. It is interesting and complicated, painful and wonderful, all at the same time. Sometimes I feel like, if I open my mouth, I might just burst into flames or song. Sometimes (often) I wonder what would happen if I didn't contain myself. And the thought feels dangerous. Amazingly, devilishly, dangerous.

~

this is the real me

ok, i admit it. i was starting to feel bad about things. there was a lull in new commissions and i started to feel like i was a total failure and the whole plan to become a full-time artist was about to flop. yes, i have a tendency towards impatience. yes, it seems i have a flair for internal sorts of drama. yes, i had been spending way too much time worrying when i should have been simply enjoying...

because monday night i had my circe's circle call and afterwards a lot of things magically resolved themselves. it's sometimes weird like that, but is exactly what i am loving so much about our calls.

this week jamie had us do some humming and heavy sighing (well, that turned into heavy laughing on my end of the line!--the laughing, btw, turned out to be a wonderful release and just what i needed!). anyway, she had us draw an outline of our body and then fill it in with whatever we wanted. i love the visualizations and exercises that jamie has us do. without fail, i walk away with my mind blown wide open every time. afterwards, she asked us questions about our drawings and had us dialogue with the part that we were most curious about.

so here's my drawing in all its womanly glory...

head: overflowing, exploding, energized with a fountain of ideas

throat: the part i had a dialogue with. short, jagged purple marks. my picture was telling me that there is something that wants out, something that i can feel all the way into my throat...tears, laughter, words expressing the many emotions i've been feeling. these jagged little lines told me that through my full and complete expression i will make it past whatever it is holding me back. hence, i share this with you here and, already, i see that my throat was right.

heart: full, open, bursting. this, i feel, is truly the center of my drawing. this is where all things originate for me right now. this is my sacred center and it fills me.

arms: those squiggly green lines are energy...painting energy! my arms and hands can barely stay still because of their need to move and create. my hands are held behind me, exposing my chest, but opening my heart ever further. a vulnerable position turned into positive form of strength.

wrists: i used red because i felt like my wrists are important, valuable...and perhaps even a little vulnerable. same with my knees. i wrote "tender." for my job i do a lot of heavy lifting and, as warm weather returns, there will only be more and more of it. lifting a lot of cast iron, stone, ceramic, up and down stairs...this work feels like a threat to the long term strength of my body. i am wary of injuring myself. i am protective of my body as i grow these wings.

hips: ok, so i have hips and they are rather large. in this picture i have decided to love those hips. every last bit of 'em.

legs: orange "rods." i feel intensely rooted, grounded, solid in my connection to earth.

i also padded much of my body in a pink layer...softness, protection, self-containment and love. that purple dot in my belly is not my belly button. it's my core. solid, compact, deeply colored, circulating energy between my heart center and belly core and throughout the rest of my body.

i would write more...but this feels like enough for right now. i just wanted to share this with you...

...this picture of my truest self.

~

not yet spring.

It is a quiet day today. A perpetual early morning gray hangs in the air as snow falls gently, covering whatever exposed ground that had begun to reveal itself. I took the dogs for a longer walk that usual because for the first time in a very long while I found myself once again in love with winter. It has been such a long winter of wanting and waiting. Somehow I think I let my favorite season get entirely caught up in that feeling of frustration.

For a few hours today I will have to take a step sideways from the forward momentum of my life in order to do some pre-formatting editing on my thesis and then contact the graduate office to make sure all my paper work is in order so that I might soon actually walk away with a degree. I am reluctant to return to this aspect of my life, but am finding the heavy clouds helpful. I will brew a fresh pot of coffee and cozy up with my computer so that I might finally and truly be done with this one lingering aspect of my past.

I feel tender today. I feel like I might easily cry. I feel very present as though I exist beyond the surface of my skin. Maybe that is why the gray feels so good. A buffer between me and the world. The snow has a calming effect. So much so that, upon returning home with the dogs, I simply sat out in the yard watching them play for a very long time. It made me wish for a place in the country. Somewhere that I wouldn't feel like a weirdo for sitting outside in the snow for no particular reason.

You are now entering a new chapter in the Life of Jessie…

Well, my friends, it’s out with the old...and in with the NEW!!

In celebration of the many positive changes in my life, I felt like a little redecoration was in order. Much to Vinny’s dismay, I’m addicted to designing complicated, image-heavy blog templates. What would I do without my rock-star of a web-designing husband?? I don’t mean to gloat, but I am loving this new look! Thank you, dear husband, for making my problematic ideas work and for adding your own intuitive touches.

Goodbye pink and brown…

Hello NEW BEGINNING!

ps.

hidden surprise: try dragging the polaroids around--there's more to see! ;)

I've been meaning to tell you: It was the best Art Opening ever! Here are some photos to show why

This is one of the beautiful stars of the show, Murphy...

...a genuine tender-heart. He even gave me kisses.

Such a loving soul, he is.

* * *

Murphy, however, wasn't the only dog in attendance. I mean, have you ever been to an art opening where there were nearly as many dogs as people? At one point I stopped talking, took a deep breath, and smiled. I looked around to witness everyone milling around, socializing, and nibbling on sweet treats and hors d'oeuvres--yes, even the dogs! Oh, what a scene to behold! I loved every second of it.

* * *

There was plenty of conversation ,

(yes, this is how excited my hands get when talking about the process of painting these dogs!)

and contemplation,

and general silliness.

All in all, I would say it was a great night with a great turn-out.

And this is how happy it made me feel:

...BECAUSE I LOVE LOVING DOGS! :)

p.s.
If you missed the bloggy promotional post, read about it here.

Grand Opening Promotional Sale!

In honor of tonight's
ART OPENING
and
INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY,
I hereby announce the
GRAND OPENING
of my pet portraiture business,

Stray Dog Arts!

For the past 6 weeks I have spent every ounce of energy preparing for this leap into the wild and wonderful unknown, taking all the steps necessary to begin living an AUTHENTIC new life.

And now...it is time to LEAP!!!

I might not have done this if it were not for my blogging sisters.
I might not have done this if it were not for the Be Brave Project.
I might not have done this if it were not for this incredible network of inspiration and support that you, my blogging friends, provide.
I might not have done this if... well, there are probably a lot of reasons.

But the thing is...
I'M DOING IT!

Some how, some way, I came to this space within where I met my truest self. And since that day I have not been able to turn back.

In celebration and gratitude of the connections that have led me to this most incredible time in my life, I want to offer you (and the friends and family who hear about this offer through you)...

30% OFF
the regular price
of commissioned pet portraits
NOW until April 30th, 2008

If you
or someone you know is interested,
please contact me
here
{jessie at straydogarts dot com}

TO RECEIVE THE SPECIAL PRICE,
BE SURE TO MENTION THIS DISCOUNT
WHEN CONTACTING ME.

Since I am already booked with commissions until mid-April, the sooner you are able to contact me, the better--so that I can reserve your spot in line (yes, can you believe it? i have a line!). Once May hits I will begin advertising more vigorously and I may not be able to off this price again.

In the meantime, this is my gift to you, dear blogging friends. I also invite you to link to this post on your own blog in order to share this offer in proper blogging-fashion. ;) I cannot even tell you how much happiness this endeavor of painting these beautiful and beloved animals brings me. And so I want to share that love with you.

Thank you for propelling me to BE BRAVE.


Thank you for propelling me towards my truest self.

* * *

Artist's Statement:

I began my artistic career doing portraits of people, focusing primarily on those colorful individuals that I met in my travels abroad. What I found most fascinating was how each person, mostly strangers, emerged on the canvas as I painted them. During those long hours spent in the studio, the people I painted slowly came to life and grew to be my friends—each with a personality and unique story all their own.

It should not have surprised me that the same thing would happen in doing pet portraits. The thing I love most about painting is the way a relationship develops between my self and the interesting characters who reveal themselves through the end of my paintbrush. Each time, it is a wonderful surprise—and dogs are no exception. If anything, they exemplify what it is that I love most about painting. I cannot help it, a bond is formed. Whether it is my own dog or those that I’ve only met through the creative act of painting, I feel as though I come to know each of these beautiful beings on a very deep and genuine level—and I cannot fathom anything more satisfying that this.

One day I was outside shoveling snow when, seemingly out of no where, I asked myself an innocent question: “What makes me happiest?” The answer came easily: "Dogs and Art." At that very moment, I felt something shift inside of me and my life has not been the same since. From this question Stray Dog Arts was born.

There is a Zen story about an old monk who practiced for over forty years in a monastery and then became disgusted—I’m getting nowhere he thought—and decided to leave. As he walked down the path to the gate, with his few belongings on his back, he noticed that the walkway looked a bit messy. He went to get a rake to smooth it out. As he raked the dirt, one pebble flew out, hit some bamboo standing nearby, and made a sharp sound. The instant the monk heard that sound he became fully and completely enlightened.

I do not know what the old monk was thinking at that exact moment. Nor do I know the color for the sound of a single pebble. But I do know that I paint because it gives me the feeling that something real is happening.

I paint pet portraits because I have more love for animals than I know what to do. I paint because there is something beautiful to be captured in those transitory moments we share with the pets who have stolen our hearts for good. I paint to tell a story. I paint dogs (and cats and horses) because now I cannot stop.

For me, it is not just about getting a painting to look like a specific pet; it’s about capturing his or her personality. I believe that an animal’s spirit is conveyed through its eyes, a particular expression, and even the subtlest of gestures. My goal as an artist and animal lover is to create artwork that honors the beautiful and unique life-force within each of us. I find pet portraits particularly rewarding because, in short, they make me happy. I have wanted to work with animals ever since I was a little girl and am grateful beyond words that I am able to do this through my art.

I pour my heart and soul into every painting that I do and if there is one gift I would like to give the world, it would be happiness. Often, our pets are the ones who give us the greatest happiness of all. My paintings, well, they are but a heartfelt gesture in celebration of the unconditional love and infinite happiness that our four-legged friends have brought to us.

Buddha Bowl

I woke up this morning thinking about all the things that I need to do and realized quite quickly that, if I allow it, there will be no end to the crazy amounts of work that I expect from myself.

Last night, after finishing a painting appropriately titled "Lilly Rabbit," I lit vanilla scented candles and a fire in the fireplace; I made a pot of chai with a few extra cardamom pods (for the sake of decadence) and snuggled into the chair I've been gazing longingly towards for the past 2 months. My old cat, Moonshadow, must have decided I looked comfortable and decided to nestle in close next to me. mmmm...Perfect. I sat and read Sunny Schlenger's book, Organizing for the Spirit, and something about her balanced outlook must have sunk in because today I decided to approach my "to-do" list a little bit differently.

Meet The Buddha Bowl. As I layed in bed, for some reason, I thought of a woman I met last summer who told me about her God Bowl. The God Bowl was, basically, a bowl that she filled with water every day to remind her to begin anew each day. I loved the idea, but never did it myself because the God Bowl would inevitably become a slurping bowl for the cats and dogs that share my space.

Anyway, my "to-do" lists have been getting a bit out of control. I love making lists, but after a while they can make even the most joyful work start to feel overwhelming. So today, rather than make lists, I've decided to treat today's intentions with a bit more sacredness. Here's what I came up with:

• Find a simple, yet beautiful bowl to use as your sacred container of intentions--the simpler it is, the better.
• Gather up some beautiful paper, a nice pen, and a pair of scissors.
• Cut your paper into small fortune cookie size pieces and, on each piece, lovingly write the intention that you hope to accomplish today (or this week or this year or whatever...). I cut each piece of paper as I went so that I didn't feel compelled or obligated to fill up more pieces of paper than I actually wanted to deal with.
  
• As you write, think honestly about whether or not this is something you are truly able and wanting to accomplish. The fact that you are using such beautiful paper will help remind you not to waste your time and energy (and beautiful paper) on things that are not humanely impossible or don't matter to begin with.
• As the day progresses, choose tasks from your Buddha Bowl as you see fit. But remember: only one task at a time. Set your intention to carry out that task with efficiency and joy.

The first task that I am going to choose from my Buddha bowl is to finish the painting of "Murphy." Upon waking, I felt like I had too much to do today, but in doing this, I see that some things are more important to me than others. Today it is important that I finish this painting and that I get my advertising materials created and sent out. Today it is important to me that I dismantle the mess on my desk and make time to meet my Circe's sisters tonight for our weekly conference call. It's important to me that I get a first layer of paint down for "Magnificent Bean" and that I go down to the coffee shop to hang my most recent paintings. But that's it. That is a lot, but not too much. It is exactly what I feel like I can accomplish while still maintaining a sense of sacredness towards the tasks at hand.

Here's to joy, efficiency, sacredness, and simplicity. I invite you to try this as well. I must admit: I already feel it working. ;)

I'm alive! ...tired, but exceptionally alive!

I hung my show last night AND launched my new Stray Dog Arts website (thank you, Vinny!!!). Holy wonderful! It took a lot of late nights and last minute work, but let me just say that I slept sooooo good last night!

Only thing is...I'm not quite finished yet because I still have 3 nearly-done paintings to complete. I tried, I really did. But then I got a great letter from Kristine reminding me that I am the curator of my own show and it should therefor be an experience of joy, not stress. This was just the wisdom I needed to help me keep a balance in my attempt to accomplish more than was humanely possible (thank you, Kristine!).

And so today...I will paint. I will drink coffee. I will take my wolfie and pup for an extra long walk. I will breathe deeply the gratitude I feel for having found this new direction in my life. I might even snuggle up in a blanket and read for awhile. I will paint some more, but then I will rest.

Late the other night I was standing in front of a canvas (up to my eyeballs in paint) when all of a sudden I stopped, took a step back, and for the first time noticed all the finished and nearly-finished canvases surrounding me. I was like: wow! Who did all this?! I mean, I did all of that? Between working, building websites, creating postcards, business cards, arranging future commissions, artist statements, advertising.... I told Fiona that, looking around my studio space, it felt like someone had stepped into my body and just took over. She emailed me back saying: "Actually, YOU stepped into your body and took over!"

And so I just want to say that it feels really, really, really good to be back in my body once again. It feels really good to be living from my very center. No matter how tired I am. No matter how much there is left to do. The only words that feel important right now are the ones that say: I feel good.

Thank you, friends, for being with me on this most adventurous journey. ;)

***

Here's another little photo for scale, of the same paintings above. Yes, that's me (in all my exhausted glory). Small photo because it turned out horribly blurry...but Maddie made a request and so here it is! :)-

note to you:

I feel the need to connect with this writing space and to let you all know that, yes, I'm alive and am looking forward to writing a new post sometimes soon. There have been so many great blog-type-thoughts running through my head, but not enough time to write them down. Don't ya just hate that? Ohh, but life is good. I haven't visited hardly any blogs all week and even though I've been absent, please know that I have been thinking of you often. Only one day left to paint before my show!

breathing space

Today my experiences included travel, fog, frosted trees, good coffee, alone time, quiet roads, treating myself to a book on CD, and plenty of time to think about what I want my life to include.

This road I'm traveling makes me happy.
I feel like one of the luckiest people alive.

authentic self dialogue, part I (random musings from a day)

“There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all this, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is; nor how valuable it is; nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate YOU. Keep the channel open.” ~Agnes Demille to Martha Graham.

Agnes goes on to say that it is the “divine dissatisfaction” that artists experience, “a blessed unrest,” that keeps us marching and causes us to be more alive than others. But this “aliveness,” I’ve noticed, makes some people uncomfortable, envious, angry. This loss of safety becomes a threat to some and an adventure to others. And in the process, this scramble of emotions can turn into an interesting (and potentially toxic) brew.

This evening, as I watched out the window while at work, the sunset caused a wholly (holy?) new spectrum of colors that reflected off the snow and salted surfaces of winter. Everything feels covered in an uncomfortable sort of crust. It has been gray for so long that this change in atmospheric conditions (the presence of the sun) causes me to observe the world in a slightly altered way. I watch the people coming home from work. They are tired, but stop at the market across the street. Most come out with a gallon or half gallon of milk, another comes out with a pack of cigarettes, someone with a child waiting in the car comes out with an entire bag of groceries. Something about their movements seems so complacent, so unquestioning, so non-spontaneous. They have stopped at the market to “make do,” and to get them through the weekend with as little effort as possible.

I find it difficult to write tonight because these words are not reflecting the energy I’ve been feeling. I’ve also noticed myself holding back my joy because I’m afraid that people won’t like me anymore if I’m too happy. What’s up with that? This saddens me and makes me feel a conflicted range of emotions. Then I remind myself that it’s their problem—not mine (I read that in a book today and was grateful to have this thought affirmed).

Joy.
Spontaneous Joy.

These days I’m just not willing to settle for anything less than absolute happiness. I mean, why not? What do I have to lose? What do any of us have to lose? Because let’s just admit it: even bliss contains its fair share of struggle. Holding back my joy—well that, I’m realizing, is pure nonsense.

I want more and I’m willing to break my heart wide open to get it. I’m beginning to understand that the only thing that holds any of us back is our self. Vinny and I were standing in the kitchen the other night when all of a sudden it simultaneously dawned on both of us how we had been creating struggle and a lack of abundance in our lives all these years by the limiting beliefs we were holding on to. Amazing, these thoughts that can come to you while reaching for the door to let out the dog. And the more time I spend with my authentic self, the more difficult it becomes to settle for anything less. It’s weird. It causes strong reactions both within me and outside of me.

I’ve been reading Simple Abundance every day—and my favorite thought so far this week:

“Choice confers freedom—the freedom to embrace the new because it speaks to your soul and you are listening.” ~Sarah Ban Breathnach.

And my other favorite quote (from Taking the Leap):

“[T]he trouble is, if you don’t risk anything, you risk even more.” ~Erica Jong

Living Authentically

Last night, after the Circe's Circle call, I went down to my studio and, rather than paint, took a little bit of time to create a Melba-inspired journal. A few months ago I bought one of her journals and fell in love with it. It is just the perfect size to let my thoughts really flow--and knowing that Melba made it with her own hands infused it with even more energy. I quickly filled that journal up and since then I have been missing it profusely. Melba and I made a deal to exchange a teacup painting for a journal--but life has been busy for both of us and it just hasn't happened yet. And so, in the meantime, I decided to let the muse lead me and created a simpler version of the one I originally fell in love with.


The last two weeks my mantra has been ABUNDANCE. This week it seems to be LIVING AUTHENTICALLY. I've decided to start doing my morning pages again with a plan to write myself towards freedom. And since this is a Melba-inspired journal, I'm going to leave off with a Melba-inspired post by including a few of my journal pages. Sorry, but you'll probably have to click on the images in order to read.


{You can purchase your own Melba journal and other beautiful bits of magic from her Etsy, justBeAltered.}

me and my friend, Chester.

There is a part of me that is reluctant to post this photo of myself because there is an element of vulnerability in sharing the unedited versions of oneself. Vinny took it the other night while I was painting. It was late, nearly midnight, and I was tired from working all day and then painting all evening. But despite my worn look, despite the late hour, despite a lot of things, I was feeling very happy in that moment.

These days, my life is very full. Every moment has a purpose--even the "wasted" time I took today to completely empty, clean, and rearrange my office. I justified this unplanned diversion in my schedule by placing it lovingly under a newly established "self-care" category. I am able to further justify this "lost" time by the fact that my drawing desk has been given a new place of honor, a recent painting has been hung for inspiration, and the energy has been cleared for these new endeavors that I am in the process of embracing. Then I painted. I don't mean to rub it in but, my dog (haha! oops, I meant to write "god"), I feel so goooood!

To make matters even better, I am happy to say that, tonight, I received some unexpectedly wonderful feedback from my adviser about my thesis. She used words like "mature writing," "clarity," "brilliance" (for real?!?!?! after so many months (years!) of putting myself through the wringer over that thing!). At this point, I was positive that I had either been entirely forgotten or that my writing was just so horrible that she didn't know where to begin. God, it feels so good to be wrong--on both counts!

This, of course, leads me to the subject of "self confidence." It's 11:30 pm. Do I dare get started on this topic? Well, maybe not. Instead, let me pose just one question: What would you do if you knew, without a doubt, that you would be entirely and absolutely successful at it?

These days, my answer to that question comes easily. I would paint these beautiful animals that have found their way into my life. Earlier today I was standing at the sink doing dishes and the thought "what would you do if you could do anything?" went through my mind. And I smiled--because I quickly realized that I would be doing exactly this. Even more than a trip to France? Yes. Even more than a trip to India? (well, this is a tough one, but...) Yes. Even more than any anything at all? Yes, yes, yes.

These days I feel so blessed. Every day I am being given little signs from the Universe letting me know that I'm headed in the right direction. Every day something happens that authenticates my hopes, validates my dreams. It is truly, absolutely, and downright weird. And I am accepting every single second of it.

Tired or not, these days I often find myself stopping to smile and incredulously wonder: "Is this for real?" I mean, pain is easy to believe. But this happiness I feel, this sense of satisfaction...this is so much more than I ever hoped for. I mean, this must be what abundance feels like. These days my vocabulary has grown to include a steady peppering of words like GRATITUDE, ABUNDANCE, PLEASURE, SATISFACTION, HAPPINESS. And I don't mean to be cheesy, but I can't help but look for ways to share it with you. I mean, really, I'm experiencing much more than 1 person can handle!

among other thoughts...weimaraners in sepia and blue

"Blue Dog"
9" x 12"
Oil on Canvas
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"Swan Dog"
9" x 12"
Oil on Canvas
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"Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live."
~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Today I finished two more paintings--weimaraners in sepia and blue. These came as a surprise to me since I am not usually drawn to paint in monochromatic color schemes. One section just sort of led to the next and, I must admit, I enjoyed the process immensely. I'm now at the end of my three days off from work (such a luxury!) and I find it hard to wrestle myself away from the pleasures of painting. I have been reminding myself, however, that this discontent is a sign of energy--and, although I lack patience, I am very aware of the changes taking place under the surface of my life. Well, actually, I think it broke through the surface a couple weeks ago.

I've been reading Sarah Ban Breathnach's Simple Abundance and, of discontent, yesterday's entry read:

"What is going on is part of the process. I call it Divine Discontent. It is the grit in the oyster before the pearl. This creative second chance is when we come into our own. When we finally claim our own lives and wrestle our futures from fate. When we learn how to spin straw into gold. When we realize gratefully that we can live by own lights if we access the Power. Ask for it. Claim it. Today."

Lately I've been noticing myself daydreaming a lot about studio spaces. Actually, there are a few things I've been daydreaming pretty heavily about. I've also been thinking a lot about things like ABUNDANCE and SELF-CONFIDENCE. I'm experiencing growing pains and absolute happiness all at once. It is such a strange and interesting combination of elements. I'm also doing a bit of MYTH-BUSTING--you know, breaking down all those myths and weird beliefs that hold me back. This, too, is a process. Last night, during our Circe's Circle conference call, I was talking about how Minnesotans don't spend very much money on art. After hanging up, it dawned on my that I have no idea why I held that belief. I mean, where did I come up with that idea?

In no uncertain terms, my molecules are shifting in more ways than one. I suppose you could say that letting go of certain ways of thinking seems to have a way of doing that. Needless to say, I like thinking about who I would be without any of the limiting beliefs that I let hold me back. I like thinking about who I would be if I trusted my instincts. I like thinking about what it means to live an authentic life. And most of all...I like knowing that I am moving towards a life that is everything it was meant to be--even if it just one step at a time. Every step counts!

And there was light!

Sometimes I'm not always sure if my husband believes in my dreams as much as I do. But then, other times, I think he believes in me more than anyone. In the end, the most important thing is that I believe in myself, but I admit...it helps to have support.

Today my morning started out with some really intense negative emotion. If this wasn't the internet I'd describe my experience in greater detail. However, it's not really appropriate--nor is the attempt to recreate the moment worth my energy. Let me just say, I felt LIVID. The weird thing is that I had a dream several weeks ago that this exact same thing happened--and today it did! In my dream, I had the exact same emotional response. Hmmmm...should I be surprised? No.

Certain aspects of my life are becoming increasingly out of alignment. Horribly, painfully out of alignment (yes, I might be dramatizing, but this is how it feels right now). But, by mid morning, it dawned on me that my time to move on is coming even more quickly than I anticipated. Not-so-strangely, the moment I realized this, I felt my whole perspective shift and, dare I say, I actually started to feel good.

I spent the rest of the day designing a business card for myself and daydreaming of my future studio (the one in an old warehouse with high ceilings and big windows and lots of wall space). When I got home I was greeted by a cooking husband, 2 jumping dogs, and several large boxes. What did they contain? Photography lights! Yes, Vinny ordered lights so that we can get high quality images of my artwork. They were delivered today.

As I moved around the kitchen helping with dinner I felt myself fill up with a really yummy energy. I am nearly finished with the things that no longer serve me. I mean, I can actually feel it! I nonsensically sang a little "I'm almost done!" song...and, oh, it felt so good!

Over plates of spaghetti, I asked Vinny to describe what his dream life looks like. He wouldn't do it at first, but after some coaxing he finally says: "I'm laying in a hammock."

Okaaay... (I don't mean to sound sexist here, but why is it so hard to get men to play this game?)

Next I asked him what he does to make money. And he responds: "I pet dogs." Then he tilts his body as though laying in a hammock and moves his arm up and down in a motion of dog petting. "When I get tired I take a break...(he stops his petting)...and then a little bit later I start again" (he resumes his petting motion).

It felt good to nearly spit spaghetti out my nose laughing at this image, but even better to think that there is a distinct possibility of turning this vision into a reality. He also admitted that he would be doing web design, but made it very clear that he would work from home and spend more time with the dogs than web design.

Ok...so this is one (two, three, four, five) of the reasons I'm in love with this guy. In the end, our dreams are incredibly compatible. Funny how that works since this isn't the direction either one of us imagined traveling in. The lights, well, they are Vinny's way of letting me know that he believes in what I'm doing.

And you know what? They work great!

"Louis" {pronounced Loooo-ieee}

"Louis"
10"x 30"
Oil on Canvas

This is my little guy, Louis. Well, actually, he's not so little anymore, but... ;)

Today I'm looking forward to spending some time pulling together ideas for my website--the one I'm building for my pet portraits. Slowly, slowly I'm stitching together the life I want. Last night I started on my third canvas--sketching out an image of Chester, a lovable Cocker Spaniel. Tonight I'll block in the colors.

All of this is such a process, threaded in between the other demands of my life. I am so impatient for everything to start manifesting itself FULL SCALE! And at the same time I have absolute faith that it's going to happen. Ok...so today's lesson: patience. Someone please tell me, how does that work?

bear medicine.

Last night I dreamed of a bear. That sounds dramatically prophetic, doesn't it. Seriously though, last night I dreamed of a bear. I was out in the woods with my mom and grandma. To get there we had to drive down a really long dirt road--more like a logging road than a real road. We were traveling towards land that we had spent a lot of time on. And, although the place doesn't currently exist in my waking life, it was somehow our land and we felt very comfortable going there.

When we arrived I parked the car. We got out and started walking towards the camper that was parked on the edge of the woods when a huge brown bear came around the front of the car and started to follow us. My grandma and mom went into the camper right away where they started cleaning and unpacking and doing whatever grandmas and moms do to make a place feel homey and alive.

I, on the other hand, did what I could to distract the bear. Nervously, I went back to the car. The bear just lumbered slowly after me. When it wouldn't leave I turned the car on, backed up, and honked like mad. Still, the bear was not phased by my shenanigans.

Finally, I went back to the camper, the bear following me all the way. But once inside I realized that the door wouldn't shut properly and kept falling open. As I tried over and over and over to shut it, the bear just stood outside looking in at me with his face pressed close to the door. As I reached for the handle he took my fingers in his mouth and gently pulled at me. He had this expression on he face like: "pleeease, either let me in or come out, but I just want to be with you." He acted as if he wanted to play or talk or something. I was so concerned about getting rid of the bear that it wasn't until I woke up that I realized how gentle he had been all along. He simply wanted my attention.

Inside the camper, Louis was laying on the bed with a stray puppy that had apparently been found under the mattress. They looked like long lost siblings lying side by side, kicking their legs at one another in a soft, playful sort of way.

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I woke up with a very interesting feeling--a gentle sort of realization. I can't quit put my finger on what that realization is, exactly. But it is a feeling, a sensation, a reminder to listen to those gentle tugs--even if they come from unexpected places.

After getting up, I looked up the meaning of the Bear and found that "the strength of Bear medicine is the power of introspection. . . .To accomplish the goals and dreams that we carry, the art of introspection is necessary." From the book of Medicine Cards I read:

"To become like Bear and enter the safety of the womb-cave, we must attune ourselves to the energies of the Eternal Mother, and receive nourishment from the placenta of the Great Void. The Great Void is the place where all solutions and answers live in harmony with the questions that fill our realities. If we choose to believe that there are many questions to life, we must also believe that the answers to these questions reside within us. Each and every being has the capacity to quiet the mind, enter the silence, and know.

Many tribes call this pace of inner-knowing the Dream Lodge. . . .It is in the Dream Lodge that our ancestors sit in Council and advise us regarding alternative pathways that lead to our goals. This is the power of Bear.

In [dreaming about] Bear, the power of knowing has invited you to enter the silence and become acquainted with the Dream Lodge, so that your goals may become concrete realities. This is the strength of Bear."

At the very beginning of Be Brave, I had a dream of a snake. Although I am horribly afraid of snakes, that dream was a catalyst for a lot of change in my life, causing a much needed shift in attitude. Dreaming of the Bear makes me realize that I have now entered another stage in the process of dreaming-myself-into-reality.

I'm also realizing just how deeply this Be Brave journey has been ingrained into my thoughts, my actions, my dreams, my life.

This post could go on forever, but what I'm noticing is that this dream has given me a lot to think about. And so today I am going to honor that need by entering my own quiet place of hibernation. I'm going to turn off my computer, turn off my phone, and I'm going to spend the day in that quiet space within myself--painting.