Monday, March 24, 2008

Easter Sunday at Bob's

I admit it: I skipped out on Easter at grandma's in a futile attempt to catch up with my life. Mind you, I will probably never actually accomplish this feat, but it felt good to enjoy a relatively nonobligatory day and, for that, I do not feel guilty. Actually, the gravity of Easter didn't really hit me until V. and I attempted to go grocery shopping only to find that NOTHING was open! I suppose that makes me a bad Catholic, doesn't it? Hmmph. Luckily, the Trader Joe Pagans were open and so we didn't starve.

I spent much of the day working on a portrait of a sweet blog-dog named Adeline. I love that name and, oddly enough, have fallen in love with the dog as well. Never mind that I've never even met her. Her sweet eyes have been looking up at me for days (from the photograph and then the canvas) and now and I can't help it--my heart has been swallowed whole. I've also been working on a portrait of another blog-dog named Trixie. Trixie has unfortunately passed on but, even so, her spirit is alive and well. I can feel it in the little smile she puts on my face whenever I work on her portrait. She looks at me with these big, joyful, expectant eyes and I imagine her little body nearly quivering with expectation. I feel honored to be painting both of these beautiful beings and can only hope that the end result of both will do justice to the love barely containable in a 16" x 16" canvas.

Afterwards, I headed down to Bob's for a cup of coffee, where I found more bad Catholics (yay!)...and took a photo of myself with my webcam for unknown reasons (see above). I brought with me 2 large bags of books and my laptop with the intention of editing an essay and writing the Works Cited page for my thesis. For some reason, I felt the need to get out of my usual space and spread out in order to accomplish this not-so-small task. My thesis is an interesting oddity to me now that I've finished writing it. It is difficult for me to encounter. I realize that "encounter" is a strange word to use within this context, but that is what it feels like: an encounter. It feels as though it is an actual encounter with myself, a meeting of myself--that is, a self that I once was in the past--a self that I once knew well and, like an old friend, will always understand better than anyone else.

From the stack of books I brought with me, there is one book in particular that still intrigues me the most, a book that I used as a resource in the writing of my thesis: Writing as a Way of Healing: How Telling Our Stories Transforms Our Lives by Louise DeSalvo. There are times that I feel like I am nearly leaping out of my skin with excitement and curiosity. There are so many things I want to do and see and create and understand. There will never be an end to this learning. There will never be an end to this intense interest in the layers of meaning and connectedness that create my life and that life creates.

Over and over I find myself struggling with the issue of time. Always, I'm looking for more. Never, do I have enough. The feeling is intense: this love I feel for life. Sometimes I feel like I could live forever--and, still, it would not be enough.

These days, my life is in the middle of a transformation. I often find myself in a storm somewhere between holding back and pushing forward. It is interesting and complicated, painful and wonderful, all at the same time. Sometimes I feel like, if I open my mouth, I might just burst into flames or song. Sometimes (often) I wonder what would happen if I didn't contain myself. And the thought feels dangerous. Amazingly, devilishly, dangerous.



megg said...

you always leave me stunned in a good way. My skin tingled when I was reading this post - so full of energy and exuberance!! YAY!!!!

(Thank you for the book link!!!!)

You are inspiring me so much. I am so glad you are in my life!!!!

still on one finger - will write a LETTER soon!!


teabird said...

Writing as a way of healing is one of the most powerful writing books I own -

Kathleen said...

what an inspiring post! so often we all feel like there is not enough time in our day...but to look at it as a result of loving life so much and wanting to learn; so full of interest...well, that makes me feel like singing, too!
it is ok not to have enough hours in the day when you are wanting to cram it with more good stuff, right?


this has me thinking. thank you.

p.s. thank you for stopping by, as always. xo
p.p.s. LOVE the self-portrait! nice composition!

Froyd said...

congrats on finishing the writing on the thesis!

Annie said...

Lovely post. I am so happy for you, that your life is humming along in such a wonderful pattern :-).

kj said...

hey--i kind of love you too! funny to say, but i've been rooting for you for a long time now.

i hope you get more dog commissions that you can even imagine. i hope you are charging enough so that can/will be your livlihood if that is what you want.

i hope both our minds settle down and stop pushing us in so many directions.


Melba said...

I am in love with life today and all I want to experience and accomplsih.
Your Easter sounds perfect ~ from one bad catholic to another ;)
Talk to you later! :)


GreenishLady said...

It gives me such a buzz to see you speak of Trixie's portrait! The energy in this post just crackles and fizzes. I love that Louise de Salvo book too. Powerful!

Anonymous said...

it just goes to show we're not alone at any given time because one or more women like ourselves is experincing their own wonderful changes too

Claire said...

What a great post! And the picture is awesome - I love the light in it.


bella said...

My easter was just as non-traditional.. but girl, it was wonderful - just like your day. xo

Tori said...

Oh Jessie,
Adeline wants to meet you. I have been telling her all about you and how you are working on her potrait. You must get out to Maine so that we can meet.
Sending love.

Sacred Suzie said...

I hope time finds you and gives you some so that you have time to do all the wonderful and magical things you are meant to do. Taking a day off is delicious, isn't it?

Leah said...

yes, yes, my dangerous!

Amber said...

What a great post! So much feeling and passion in it. I love how you love life, and want to live so long, and do so much. It makes me wonder in the way that I do, if you are not on your last life-- bad catholic or not ;)-- and you just know it, so want to do whatever you can this last time...

Can't wait to see the Trixie painting.

oxox :)

Anonymous said...

I hope you will show us Trixie and Adeline. I can't wait to see them.

caroline : my pocket said...

Good on you choosing some time for yourselves :) x