Stepping in...

I returned home last night after spending a couple days immersed in the world of Red Lake Rosie's--an animal rescue situated on the Red Lake Indian Reservation of northern Minnesota. It seems that blog posts are no longer easy for me. Seriously, where to begin?

At the moment I am listening to the snuggle-puffin-play of Louie and Ella at my feet (Ella is a Red Lake Rosie's pup herself). They are happy that I'm home and are staying close to my side. To begin writing, I find the need to root myself in the moment. It is a gray almost-winter day that I am balancing with the glow of lamplight and a fresh mug of coffee--a habit I'm becoming accustomed to. I've decided to move through the day in a sacred way. A quiet way. I'm going to get a lot done, but I'm going to honor every action--and writing this post is my way of making sense of everything I experienced in the past 2 days. Of course, making sense of it could take days, weeks, months, years. Instead, perhaps I am sitting here with the intention of sharing--because I think we are capable of much more than we often give ourselves credit for. Karen Good, the woman behind Red Lake Rosie's, is an incredible example of what it means to make a difference.

But wait. I don't want to get sentimental and overly idealistic. Maybe I should start over.

This week I traveled 5 hours north and met a woman named Karen. 3 years ago she was driving to work taking photos of all the dead dogs laying on the side of the road between her house and Red Lake High School. There were more than 20. That was the day of the Red Lake shootings. Karen remembers the smell of gunpowder and fear. That day was also a turning point in her life. It was the day she brought her first stray dog home with her. Maybe it was then that the shift occurred--in the act of deciding to pull over and pick up a dog that needed help. It started out with one dog and then turned into another and another and another. Red Lake Rosie's was born and, since then, she has saved the lives of hundreds.

Karen is quite possibly the most incredible combination of ordinary and extraordinary that I have ever met. She is real. She is down to earth. She is hard-wearing, determined, humble, and intelligent. Her and her boyfriend, Kevin, sing together as she works--the sound of their voices weave together, causing shivers to run the length of my body. Karen has an open heart. She tells it like it is. She doesn't shy around the facts. She knows how to organize and delegate. Karen is a visionary. She has a name for every animal she brings in and knows exactly who each one is. Karen, to me, feels like a grandmother, mother, and sister--all at once. She is fierce, yet feminine. There has both incredible softness and strength in her. She is a teacher, of the truest kind.

Marilou, me, and Karen.

The shelter.

Many animals rescued suffer from disease, starvation, dehydration, mange or injury. The property behind Karen's house marks the beginning of a better life for all the animals that are lucky enough to find their way to Red Lake Rosie's.

Being swarmed by puppy love. I would have liked to simply lay down on the ground and be covered in snuggle kisses! But there was work to do, so I soaked up the love vertically instead.

100% certified Munchkin.
One of the pups at Red Lake Rosie's

The "big" dog clan.

These rescue dogs roam free, but never far from the place they are happy to call home.

This is "Rea Ann," a beagle (and possibly hound?) mix. She is one of the dogs we transported back with us to Minneapolis. Her shy, anxious nature reminded me of my babe, Louie. It breaks my heart to see a dog feeling nervous or scared. Mike, a volunteer at Red Lake Rosie's, was obviously a source of comfort for her. I can't wait to see who adopts her. She is going to be so happy with her new life. In the meantime, she will live with Ann, one of Pet Haven's best fosters. Rae Ann will be with someone who will help let her brightest light shine.

Treats!
Karen feeds a gaggle of hungry dogs and pups canned dog food from a spoon.
They're crazy about it! They're crazy about her. ;)

This is "Mama." She stole my heart. Maybe it was because she reminded me of Sam, one of the first dogs whose transport I was involved with. Although Mama is still skinny, she is putting on weight after being found, just a rack of bones. Her eyes were pleading. I took her for an extra long walk and wish we could have gone even further. It was snowing and she was beautiful to be with. What these dogs want more than anything is love. I wanted to fold her up in my arms and hold her forever.

The "Cat House." This is Karen's old house, which has since been renovated into space to house rescued cats along with a guest room for people like Marilou and I. Have you ever fallen asleep to a room full of kittens purring and meowing? Well, I can now say that I have. It felt good to once again be sleeping in the middle of nowhere.

Morning chores. Life with dogs.

This is "Chief." And he certainly had the personality of one.
His breed and boldness made Marilou and I think of Ode.

Chief helping himself to a snack from the food bucket.

Bear kisses from Lauren.

We transported 3 cats to St. Cloud and 7 dogs back to Minneapolis with us. I picked out this big pup for my friend, Mary, to foster. The puppy's name is Lauren, but if it was up to me, I would name her "Bear." Honestly, I think this brown lab mix IS part bear cub! She is the biggest bunch of bear fluff I've ever met. Somehow, I hope that this pup stays in my life forever. I think she will--even if only through her ability to rearrange my heart molecules. How else could one heart hold this much love?

I'm already looking forward to my return. I have a feeling that it will be often.

Learn more about Red Lake Rosie's Rescue here.

~

Opening Night: a celebration in images

Cuppa Java.

Opening night crowd.

Me--feeling happy, exhausted, satisfied, blessed.

My Ella bean.

The biggest highlight of my night: meeting Ella's mama, Evy.

Ella might not look much like her mama, but I now know where she got her personality from!

Bella's "grandpa" taking in the show.

My brother, Nelson: The Thinker.
My brother and sister have come to all of my openings. I love them for this. :)

Tucker, a neighborhood dog, wanting in.

Tucker, the neighborhood dog, actually getting to come in!
Dogs allowed. One night only. ;)

A view from the side.

Missy, my soon-to-be new studio mate.

"Spice Girl...(aka Bella)"
Although I do not have a photo of it...the other biggest highlight of my night was seeing Bella reuniting with her foster mama, Ann. Such joy! Such excitement! Such LOVE! They were in their own world. So happy to see each other. It took my breath away. It took everyone's breath away.

Gus...the laughing Buddha!
Gus, formally known as "Snuggles" is blind...but oh so happy!

It was TRULY a night of bliss.

Thank you to everyone who was there!
And, if you weren't there, hopefully these photos will help you to pretend. ;)
Thank you Gus, Mandy, Missy, Ella, Peanut, Hazel, Koda, Bella, Evy, and Japser!
Thank you Pet Haven.

Thank you, Universe...for helping me make my life look like this.
:)

WOOF!

~

It's snowing! It's snowing!

THIS is my favorite day of the year. The first day of SNOW! It is the day that I wake up to discover snow falling. On this day I feel exactly the same as I did as a kid. A sense of wonder takes over and a smile steals across my face. The fact that it seems to be sticking, however tentatively, makes it even better. Actually, that's part of the criteria for it being my FAVORITE day of the year--better than my birthday, better than Christmas, better than Halloween.

Yes, my friends, I am a winter soul at heart.

Happy day!

~

Soul Coaching: Day 5 (a late start)

It is raining today. As I stood outside with the dogs I simply let the morning air wrap itself around me. There is both warmth and coolness in the air. The raindrops, falling in random increments, land on my face and arms in sharp bursts of sensation. Those parts of my skin that receive the raindrop wake up with a shock. I breathe in and I breathe out. The air is heavy and crisp all at once--such strange weather for the month of November--and yet it feels welcome. The air is somewhere "in between." Like me, it is in the process of change. It is volatile and comforting, beautiful and dreary--everything all at once.

Today is Day 5 of Soul Coaching. My life got haphazard for awhile and it seems that I almost missed the boat. Even so, I find it important to start now. On Monday I also began an important journey by starting one-on-one coaching with Jamie. She amazes me. Monday night I hung my show. On Tuesday I said something near devastating to one of my best friends in the world. I didn't mean for it to be received that way, but it was...and, in the process, a whole lot of stuff came up for me--and for her, too. The worst part is that it almost ruined everything. The veil between my old self and the person I am stretching to become feels very thin these days. There is a huge amount of growth happening and I am astounded by how painful and uncomfortable it is. As gross as it sounds, I feel like I'm being birthed. I'm being pummeled, beaten up, shaken upside down. My insides have turned into thick, malleable clay--but stickier, oozier, less manageable. I cry and I say mean things to myself. I go for long walks, eat junk food, and snuggle in bed with a book trying to bring comfort to myself. I could (and really should) live without the junk food.

Anyway, these are some of the reasons that I feel like it's so important that I begin Soul Coaching now, even if I'm a little late. I like it that Denise Linn says at the beginning of the book that we should not expect to do this perfectly. Right now I think I need to give myself a little room for mistake making. I will go back and incorporate the first 4 days into what remains of this week.

Week 1 is focused on the element of Air. This is the part where we get rid of our clutter. Clean out the old to make room for the new. I don't need to look around me to know how badly this needs to be done. My house has become incredibly cluttered. My lack of time and interest in this house reflects itself in my surroundings. It is almost too much for me to face--but I like the way Linn breaks it down, room by room. I can't face my whole house (my whole life) all at once. But I can tackle the linen closet. The big closet outside the bathroom that we just threw things in when we moved here two years ago. The closet whose chaos has only grown over time, becoming so cluttered that there is almost no room for the bath towels it is meant to hold. Tomorrow maybe I'll tackle my drawing table that has been lost under 2 feet of mostly important papers.

Ok, so my life feels messy right now. It feels very, very messy. Not just on the outside, but inside, too. Well, especially on the inside. It's not really about the linen closet. It's not really about the drawing table or mountain of papers.

Something important is happening right now. I feel another shift taking place. I don't understand what it is yet--but someday I do not doubt that it will make sense. I don't mean to burst any bubbles, but living your passion is not a free ticket to easy living. If anything, it amplifies every possible emotion. There is a part of me that is very thankful for the place I'm at--no matter how painful it might feel right now.

Today I will sit with Linn's words from Day 4: "you are not your identity. who you are is so much more magnificent, remarkable, and eternal." I am nothing more than November air--and yet I'm not even that, I'm more.

Namaste.

**image credits: The Sietch Blog

~

babbling...

I just realized that today is Day 2 of Soul Coaching, a blogging book group being led by the magnificent Jamie.

I am glad for this because I feel like I've been swallowed whole. Or, rather, I bit off more than I can chew?? I am glad to know that there is something more going on than my current struggle. And what is my struggle? It is to finish what needs to be done. I am weepy and tired and I know that it is just exhaustion talking. But tomorrow is a new day. It will be day 3. Never mind that I missed Day 1 and 2??

For now all I can say is: Thank God for daylight savings...

~

notes from the studio...

This morning my heart feels full. I look up and a bright red cardinal lands on the bare branch outside the window. In a colorless late-autumn landscape, the color shocks me. The branch bows and drops with the cardinal's slight weight. I feel a similar weight in my heart and the sight is nearly enough to bring tears to my eyes. The branch springs back into place as the cardinal flies away and a chickadee settles onto the branch above.

These days, I am up to my eyeballs in paint. I'm preparing for an upcoming exhibition, RESCUED: Dogs of Pet Haven. I will be displaying a sneak preview of the series at Pet Haven's Fall Benefit on Saturday and will hang the rest of the show Sunday night. Needless to say, the pressure is on. Luckily, when it comes to art making, I seem to thrive under pressure.

Last night, in need of a break, I sat on the floor with my sleepy pup, Ella, and studied/scrutinized the work surrounding me. There are now so many paintings that I've run out of room to hang them. Before sitting down I had been working on the portrait of a beautiful boxer/American Bull dog mix named Spice Girl (now Bella, her adopted name). She was rescued by Karen Good of Red Lake Rosie's Rescue. Her back led was injured when they found her, and she carried a litter of pups, of which only 2 out of the 5 survived. Her leg required amputation but has healed well. The best part of this story is that she's been adopted by a family who loves her beyond words. There is a strength in her that had me hooked from the moment I laid eyes on her photograph.

As I work on her portrait, her gentle eyes and strong demeanor cause my heart to break open. Sitting on the floor, with my pup snuggled warmly on my lap, I noticed that my work has "matured" in the past year. The thought struck me as odd since it is a concept that I would normally attribute to the work of musicians as they grow into their work....musicians like Norah Jones or Ani Difranco or Bonnie Raitt--the ones that started young, got famous, and stuck with it. Perhaps it isn't so much that my work has matured, rather that it has become more purposeful. As I find myself more deeply involved in my endeavors, it is interesting to me how this deepening shows up on the canvas as well. I don't get used the sensation of my heart breaking open, no matter how many times it happens in a day or a year. I think, instead, I've become more sensitive to it.

The other day I finished a portrait of Hazel, a pit bull mix also taken in by Pet Haven. Hazel is a Hurricane Katrina dog and, two years later, is still waiting to find her forever home. I can't tell you how badly I hope that this painting will help her get adopted. The painting captured such a look of yearning. She splinters my whole being into a million pieces.

Then there's Peanut. I have to admit that I love the way Peanut and Hazel bring balance to one another. In painting Peanut's portrait I was overcome by a feeling of sheer joy and exuberance. I mean, just look at her! Peanut was rescued from a hoarding situation where she was neglected and starving.

And this is what I love about rescued dogs: their resilience.

My heart can break open a million times during the course of the day, but it always comes back to hope, to love and, yes, to resilience. All I know is that I am profoundly grateful to be doing this work. These days I have been painting from the time I get up until the time I go to bed. Despite the exhaustion it produces, I would not give this up for anything.

In my studio, I have what I call the "Wall of Dogs." It is where I put all the photographs of the dogs I've painted. The wall is full. But not nearly as full as my heart.

Next week I will be moving into a new studio space. Oh, sweet anticipation! It's a good thing because, currently, I am bursting out of the seams of the space I'm in now. I'm looking forward to the extra space for many reasons...and with it will come an even bigger "Wall of Dogs." My only question is: how many dogs can one heart hold? I have a feeling that the answer to that is: a lot.

This post was originally published here.

~

My Weird Life: Practicing for Halloween?

Me as a fairy, my Ella Bean as a DRAGON.

~

Tagged: taking a mental break.

I've been tagged by Samosas For One. It's been a long time since I've done a tag, but my brain needed a break and, anyway, this way you get to learn a few nonessentials about me. Things I'm sure you were dying to know... ;)

Clothes Shop: I love Macy's Free People line (although I can only afford it when it goes on clearance!), Anthropologie, Urban Outfitters, and all those little boutiques that I've only recently worked up the courage to shop in. I always thought it would be too expensive or that I didn't look nice enough to even enter those shops. Turns out I was wrong because they are always nice to me, they usually have a broad range of prices, AND they have unique clothes that you can't find anywhere else. I recently QUIT buying clothes at Target. They have cute styles, but the clothes are cheap and, after wearing anything a couple times, they start to look it. Giving up cheap clothes is one of the ways I'm learning to value myself in a new way. Granted, I have not bought many clothes in a very long time and my closet is a desperate work in progress. Recently losing a significant amount of weight has opened up an opportunity for me to revamp my style--and I'm totally ready for it.

Furniture Shop: I like West Elm, Pottery Barn, Crate and Barrel. I also love interesting antiques and custom made. Contemporary mixed with old and ethnic. Um, I think it's possible to say that my style is a bit eclectic. Not to mention, my mom and brother are both woodworking artists. They cause me to dream outside the box. I like tables made of thickly cut wood and fabrics of rich, interesting velvets...among other things. ;)

Sweet: I don't often crave sweets, but when I do it might include things like baklava, Lindt truffles, cheesecake, creme brulee, and big pancakes from The Bad Waitress. Um...yeah, there's a reason why I shouldn't eat too much of these things! :)-

City: New Delhi. Despite my 10 year absence, it still feels like my home away from home.

Drink: Water. I drink a ridiculous amount of water. It probably has something to do from that trip to India and the way I got so sick I nearly died. Actually, I drink so much water that I get absolutely tired of it. The best drink I've had in a long time was a cosmopolitan that I had a couple weeks ago at at a downtown hotel in Minneapolis on our anniversary. Oh, I thirst for another one!

Music: Lately I've been listening to a lot of podcasts and books on CD. I think I'm hungry for new music...but some of my favorites are the Po Girls, India.Arie, Jackson Browne (yeah, go ahead and laugh), Beth Orton, Rosie Thomas, various Indian fusion artists, Sia, Bonnie Raitt...

TV Series: We no longer have cable. Yay for us! :) But I'll admit that I recently learned about Hulu and have become an occasional junkie! :) My favorite shows are things like Project Runway and National Geographic's Dog Town. Since I've been without cable for most of my adult life, I am plenty entertained by watching many of the series for the first time.

Film: I'm a geek and don't watch nearly enough movies. Current top ranking movies are The Namesake and Born into Brothels. I also seem to have an affinity for Meg Ryan flicks--I guess it's a girl thing.

Workout: Is dog walking considered a workout?? Vinny and I have been considering getting a membership somewhere. Now that I'm no longer working at the garden shop, my life has gotten a lot less physically demanding. If we get a membership, I would like yoga, swimming, and the elliptical machine (which I have a strange love for) to become an important part of my workout plan. Yoga would be especially good for me during these stressful times.

Pastries: Croissants...sometimes filled with cream cheese and raspberries.

Coffee: Double shot of espresso made from extra dark French roast beans with just a little bit of cream and sugar. Yum!

Gosh, in doing this, I learned a few things about myself, my style, and what I wish for. Ok..what about you?! I want to know. ;)

~

i dedicate today to softness.

Yesterday involved a visit from my favorite cousin, his wife and their two kids who traveled all the way from Pennsylvania. There were lots of hugs, good conversation, and plenty of reminiscing and catching up. The day ended with time spent with my aunt's horses and big bowls of chili. I love these horses and often feel like their beauty could swallow me whole if I let them.

This morning involves a very soft robe that smells of Lavender Downy, a puppy wiggling her toes in the midsts of her puppy dreams, a little black cat curled in an "O" at my back, a perfectly brewed cup of Kenyan coffee, a window looking out towards a yard full of leaves, and plenty of clouds to make my transition into another day a bit more gentle than usual.

Gentle.

I like that word. Its sound causes me to feel cradled.

My old cat is curled up on the other side of the room--snoring. Louis has nested himself on the back of the couch watching the wind blowing coldly through the trees and down the street. The heat has turned on and I love the warm sound it makes as it pours through the vents.

My mind feels quiet, contemplative. It is a good feeling--one that I will take care of with a long shower and soft music. Today I look forward going within, to painting, and to spending a little bit of time visiting the studio space with M.--to dream, visualize, and make plans.

I often find myself daydreaming about that space and how I will feel once we move in. I imagine magic and possibility. I imagine a space that is just messy enough to be inspiring. I imagine a space that invites me to sit down and get close with myself. I imagine breathing in light-filled air--even when, like today, that light is barely the color of silver clouds.

~

Meet Koda

I have just put the finishing touches on a portrait of a dog named Koda. Although I've never met this dog, I've fallen in love with him. I tend to fall in love with dogs in the act of painting them--but I think I've fallen a little harder for this beautiful spirit because he reminds me of my wolfie, Anu. There is a sense of softness about him that is counterbalanced by those piercing eyes--gentle, yet keenly aware.

I began this portrait last week while up north on my painting retreat. As I painted, I looked often at Anu...studying where the black of her mouth meets the white of her chin, analyzing the marks around her eyes, deciphering the contours of her face and body in in terms of light and shadow, expression and mood. I could see age settling in on her and it broke my heart. But I also saw how age has brought us to know each other and has endowed her with a different way of seeing--less fierce, more wise.

Koda reminds me of Anu's younger self. He reminds me of winter. Somehow, he reminds me of my past. He causes me to feel tender and intense, all at once.

The thing I love most about painting dogs is that there are never two paintings even remotely alike. Koda has been up for adoption for a long time now. One would think that a beautiful dog like him would get snatched up in a heart beat--but it often amazes me how long it sometimes takes for even the best dogs to get adopted. Luckily, Koda is in good hands and will be well taken care of until he finds a home of his own. And yet it breaks my heart to think of all the dogs that are simply put to sleep for lack of better options.

Today I brought Vinny to see the new studio space for the first time. Since I won't move in until November, the best we could do was peek in the windows. On our way there we passed the city pound. Vinny told me that, while he was there to get licenses for the dogs, he noticed two big books on the counter. One filled with photos of dogs being kept in the shelter...and another one filled with all the dogs that have been euthanized. It stuns me to think of the many beautiful beings that this happens to every minute of every day. Then I think of all the people working to make a difference--one dog at a time--and I see how it matters.

These days my basement is filled with dogs. I love walking into my studio and seeing their faces shining from one canvas after another. At the moment I am up to my elbows in paint as I prepare for an exhibition of rescue dogs that I will hang in 2 weeks. Some of the dogs have already been adopted and some of them are still waiting to find their forever home. But every dog comes with a story--a story that I hope to capture, even if in some small way.

I hope that this show will help some of these dogs get noticed. What if every dog I painted got adopted? I wish for that. I hope for that. Lately, I find myself hoping for a lot of things. I like the way hope feels--even if it brings tears to my eyes on a regular basis. My heart feels rubbed raw and as though it is ready to burst. I admit that I think I even like the way this rawness feels. However uncomfortable, it makes me feel alive. It connects me. It breaks me open.

~

Evolving.

Evolving. This seems to have become one of my favorite words lately. I notice myself saying and writing it often.

I returned home from my painting retreat late Tuesday night and have been aching to sit down with my dear ol' blog for days now. I've decided to carry on a habit I enjoyed during my time away. Every morning I got up, made coffee, and gave myself as much time as I wanted with my journal. I didn't get anxious about how much time I was "wasting" because I knew I had the entire day stretching out ahead of me for only one thing: painting. It felt good to start my day like that and, while every-day-life is not quite as simplistic, it is a habit that I would like to continue with this slow and introspective start to my days...at least while I'm still wise enough to do so.

This is one of the windows that I looked out of every day while up north. It is positioned above a big, beautiful work bench in my mom's woodworking studio, 10 miles from town and a million miles from anywhere. It rained the entire time. That is, until the day it was time to go home. Never mind that it rained. It caused me to get a lot done. In order to outwit the humid weather, I painted like I read books: several at a time. I started 7 paintings and nearly completed 2--all while listening to the steady hush and rhythm of raindrops and occasional rumbles of October thunder. My old wolfie, Anu, stayed always at my side. She is my heart and we both enjoyed our time alone together immensely.

I move through most of my days work-work-working, feeling like there could never possibly be enough of me. I feel inspired on a regular basis, but I am also well aware of how dangerously thin it sometimes stretches me. But this retreat...oh man. I got an incredible amount of work done and at the same time I found myself feeling healed and renewed. I am committing to going on a retreat like this on a quarterly basis--or a minimum of 3 times a year. I urge all of you to do this. I don't care how busy you think you are. I don't care if you're a mom or an astronaut or a grad student or the president of a company or country. You can get a lot done while away...and chances are you will be a lot more efficient when you return. I feel silly for how easy this is to forget, but let's face it: evolution can sometimes be a very slow process.

Once returning home, I was met with a flurry of activity in returning emails and phone calls. Then I stumbled over a bit of mental anguish in the process of preparing for a presentation that I was asked to give at a Minneapolis pet industry business association meeting about my work. My retreat induced Zen-like bliss momentarily flew out the window. I made notes about everything I wanted to talk about, but then, about 2 seconds into my talk, abandoned them when I quickly realized that I was better off simply speaking from the heart. That is, after all, where I would like the source of my endeavors to originate from. OK, I admit it: I was a nervous wreck. That is, until I got going. Afterwards, I was thanked by several people for giving such an inspiring talk. One woman even said I had brought tears to her eyes! This was a very high compliment, indeed. Is it bad that I like making people cry? :)-

I spent the rest of the day trying hard not to over-analyze my presentation and, instead, made apple pie--the apples, from my grandma's tree up north. I breathed in the warm smells of honey and cinnamon and even saved several of the seeds to see if I might be able to get them to grow.

When my grandma gave me the apples she told me about the large buck she had seen eating beneath the tree just that morning. The sun was rising as he happily ate the fallen apples. I thought some more about what it means to be evolving. I want to evolve like an apple tree: from seed...to blossom...to fruit...to seed...inspiration to gift to inspiration to gift...
I don't want to evolve into the store-bought variety. I prefer a life that is wild, tart, and delicious. I prefer something unexpected. Every year my grandma's apples reflect the weather they grew in. I always feel an element of uncertainty when making a pie from her wild northern apples--and yet their flavor is exquisite every time.

This morning I am burning a Thai Lemongrass scented candle that was gifted to me by a friend. The smell is refreshing, a little sharp, and catches my senses off guard. I have an orange shawl wrapped around my shoulders to separate myself from the morning chill. I have lots of dog legs criss-crossing over my slippered feet and a cup of coffee at my side. I didn't miss this house, but it feels good to be home.

"I will not die an unlived life.
I will not live in fear
of falling or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid,
more accessible,
to loosen my heart
until it becomes a wing,
a torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance,
to live so that which came to me as seed
goes to the next as blossom,
and that which came to me as blossom,
goes on as fruit."

~by Dawna Markova (I Will Not Die an Unlived Life)

The view of the lake on the morning of my departure.
As luck would have it, I woke up to blue skies and sun!

~

enjoyment.

Yesterday was Vinny and my 5th anniversary. We celebrated in absolute style by renting a hotel in downtown Minneapolis, enjoying a day full of browsing through expensively stylish shops, lavishly treating ourselves to a delicious happy hour of Cosmopolitans, getting dressed up in our sexiest attire, and filling ourselves full of some of the most decadent Italian cuisine in the city. Of course, the hot tub, chocolates, and yummy next-day breakfast were all just added perks.

We forgot the camera and ended up buying a disposable version--photos will have to wait until the film gets developed. Waiting for photos--how weird is that?

I have more to write about, but for the life of me I can't figure out why it would be of interest to anyone but myself. Hmmm...sometimes my life feels really interesting. Even just a couple hours ago while roaming the aisles of a bookstore I was writing a blog post and thinking that my thoughts were exceptionally worthy of being recorded. But now?

I've come to the conclusion that it is important that I get back into the habit of writing. I mean really writing. What I mean by that, I'm not even sure. All I know is that I need a practice--one that will help me find balance--and writing used to be that for me. I like words and rhythm and what happens when you put them together.

The past several days have left me feeling incredibly inspired. Now that I've had some time to rest and refresh my senses I also feel exceedingly purposeful. I have a massive amount of painting to accomplish within the next 25 days. And yet, somehow, I know it will get done--even if by sheer acts of magic.

In the meantime, here's to experiencing love and a newfound sense of peace. Here's to being filled with inspiration and intention. Here's to all the things that make life worth living. Here's to sleeping well and waking rested.

Here's to living from a place of great happiness.
Cheers!

~

in search of sacred.

The Artist's Creed...

I watched this video on Connie's blog and felt it necessary to share. I've spent most of the day in a weird tumult of emotions--wanting to find my center, yet having a hard time doing so.

Yesterday I decided that it is time to head north. Ever since the geese started flying I've felt a deep magnetic pull towards the place I come from. I miss it there. I miss the trees, the fresh air, the stars, the sounds of loons and wolves. I feel like I have been running to keep up with something--what it is, I'm not even sure. I am becoming a shadow of myself. This running, it has depleted me. Today I don't remember who I am. I don't remember what I'm good for. I don't remember what I'm worth.

I've spent a lot of time today thinking about what it means to do the work I do. I've been thinking about how it necessitates a different kind of movement through the world. I've been thinking about how important it is that I find my pace...and allow it to empower me. How do I preserve the sacred space within me when everything else moves so much faster than my rate of creation?

I am looking forward to next week with my whole heart. I am in deep need of the time alone. This painting retreat, it will serve me well. It will be just me, my wolfie, and a car full of canvases. I am giving myself sacred space to create my own artist's creed. As I move into this new life I am finding it to be more important than ever. In the meantime, this one serves as a beautiful reminder.

~

the art of being a stray dog.

It's sunny out this morning and, judging by the way the leaves on the big old tree outside my window are moving, there must be a breeze. My old cat, Moonshadow, is laying on a blanket in front of the window. He looks content, like he probably won't be moving from that spot for the rest of the day. I have another cat curled up behind me. This causes me to sit on the edge of my chair, which I always do, just for her. The dogs have fallen back to sleep on the couch and my husband is getting ready to leave for work. He hates leaving for work and I can't say that I blame him.

Every morning I find myself in a place of extreme gratitude for the fact that I don't have to "go to work." That is, I don't have to go somewhere that I don't like and tough out the work day, the work week. I prefer my animal kingdom and staying in my pj's and having options. I remember listening to one of Marisa's podcasts this past winter and day dreaming about what it must be like to be a full time artist who gets to work from home or a studio. I've come to the conclusion that it is just as enjoyable as I imagined it would be. Maybe even more so since I had no idea my life would become so interesting and multi-faceted.

One thing I know about myself is that I get bored when things get too monotonous. Well, the work I'm doing is anything but monotonous! Sometimes I paint, sometimes I do photo shoots, sometimes I do computer work, sometimes I meet with people, sometimes I get to help with rescue missions, sometimes I go for coffee or lunch or dinner, sometimes I design things, sometimes I run errands to the art store or post office or bank, sometimes...lots of stuff. So much stuff, in fact, that I find myself needing to take special care to keep track of my life and find a balance. Making time to actually paint is often my biggest hurdle of all.

Somehow, in my mind, I find myself thinking that getting moved into the studio space will make time management so much easier. At least, it will make painting easier. Oh, big beautiful space! The hardest part is waiting until November 1st--when they will be finished with the renovation. In the meantime, I enjoy daydreaming about that space--profusely. Between now and then I have a mountain of painting to do...and I can't even tell you how much I am looking forward to getting started with my next project: an exhibition of ALL rescue dogs.

Speaking of rescue dogs...as expected, Gunnar and Sam stole my heart. I want to tell you their stories, but today I find myself capable only of carrying their sweetness in my heart. Instead or stories, I will share a few photos. I think you'll be able to see for yourself just how wonderful they are.

Gunnar--the sweetest lab in the world. A family dog, to be sure.

Sam--sweet boy, he loved having his back touched.
He also loves cheese. And running. And being talked to.

Gunnar--in the car on his last leg of the trip to Minnesota.
Gunnar loves kisses. And taking naps. And having his paw held.

How is it possible that both of these dogs were going to be euthanized? How is it possible that anyone would have wanted to give them up in the first place? All I can say is that it was a pleasure making their acquaintance...and I truly hope they find incredible new homes. I do not doubt that they will.

Well, one thing is for sure. There is always....

I love my job.

~

writing my journey...

The sun is just now thinking about rising. I've gotten up early to join M. in transporting 2 dogs on the last leg of their trip from Iowa to Minneapolis. One is a brindle named Sam. If it wasn't for this trip, he would be euthanized because he might be part pit bull. The operative word here is "might." Since there is a total ban on pit bulls in Sioux City, Iowa--he's been marked with the scarlet letter. Today Sam is escaping his own death.

The other dog is a yellow lab named Gunnar. Gunnar is coming from the same high-kill shelter and was also going to be euthanized because he has a heart murmur. They don't put animals with health conditions up for adoption. Lucky for Gunnar, someone at the shelter cared enough about him to send out a plea for help. Because of that woman, Gunnar is escaping his death today, too.

A couple days ago I decided that I wanted to get back to blogging. Life has gotten busy and I've had to set this space aside more than I would like to. I was thinking that I would like to return to blogging every day. I don't know if that's possible, but I am going to make an attempt to show up more often. You see, what I realized the other day is that I am in the midst of a journey. Lately I've had the sense that this particular part of the journey holds tremendous weight for me. I don't know why I feel the pull to write my thoughts and experiences down as I live them and I most certainly don't know why I feel the pull to write about it here. But I do.

This time in my life feels very significant to me. As I live from the middle of it, I cannot yet understand why. There is a single bird chirping in the half-light outside my window. It makes me think of my aunt. I feel her presence--a bittersweet sensation of loss and nearness, causing a sting of tears each time I think of her. I also hear geese flying south on a regular basis. The geese, they stop me in my tracks every time. They are a powerful reminder of home. Their migration tugs at me with same instinctual pull that they must feel. My whole life has led me to this very moment...to the peacefulness of this morning where I sit at my desk in the glow of lamplight...wondering where this day will lead me next.

* * *

this morning's random thoughts...

I got up much earlier than a person should ever get up on a weekend morning. I couldn't sleep due to all the thoughts swimming around in my brain. Despite lack of sleep, I'm feeling inspired. It is one of those mornings that makes me want to accomplish everything...right this very second! I woke up thinking about how to build out and design the warehouse space. Presently, it is under renovation and is made up entirely of open space (oh, sweet open space!). We'll be building out temporary walls to create privacy for M's office and my studio, yet somehow retain the feeling of openness. I woke up thinking about paint colors, storage, doors, sinks, gallery lighting, chairs, sunlight... And, I admit, I love thinking about this kind of stuff. It makes me wish I didn't have anything else to do so that I could just go look for more ideas.

Later today I am meeting with my biz partner and a web designer. Oh, holy excitement! :) I love my website and I love my husband for helping me create it, but as we venture into the next stage, it is now time to re-create my look. I've been thinking about how to describe myself and what I want my website to reflect. I'm realizing that a lot of the words I'm drawn to are quite contradictory. I've come to the conclusion that I have a strong desire to reflect the broadest spectrum of myself. This, of course, is a tall order. Luckily, we've found an INCREDIBLE young woman to do the work for us. To be honest, her talent blows me away and I'm looking forward to seeing what she comes up with.

Let's see...I've also been obsessed with coming up with workshop ideas, the need to write letters, an attempt to get organized, and brewing up plans for the paintings I want to create. I also have a fairly large project that I need to wrap up the planning of. This is going to require some pre-organization and about 100 emails. Seriously, am I capable? :)-

The most peaceful thing in my life right now is the puppy who is asleep at my feet (always at my feet) and the cat who is laying in the window, purring. My mind is sifting through an overload of inspiration, ideas, and information. Sometimes I feel like I might explode with enthusiasm--oh, the possibilities! I get so excited that I lose focus. There's so much to think about all at once! But I'll tell you....I would not trade this in for anything. This is life lived at full capacity.

~

dream space: attained.

Several months ago I put in a request to the Universe for my dream studio to manifest itself in my life. At the time, I can't even tell you how far of a stretch it was to think that it might actually happen.

Well, my friends, I'm happy to say that it really is possible for dreams to come true. Granted, I'm still standing here blinking my eyes in shock...but you can bet that I'm smiling like a maniac at the same time!

But I need to back up a second because there's more...

A few weeks ago I was offered a business proposal. As you might be guessing...I accepted.

Yesterday we signed a lease agreement for a 2,200 square foot renovated warehouse space in the NE Arts District of Minneapolis. And let me just say: IT IS BEAUTIFUL!!!

I met my new business partner on Monday, July 21st--the first day of relaunching the Be Brave Project. I will always remember that date because it was when my life took a huge and positive turn. Of course, at the time, I didn't know how my life would change. I didn't know that she would become such an incredible friend and I certainly didn't know we would go into business together! All I knew was that I felt the shift, the sensation of transformation taking place. The feeling can only be explained as molecular, but I recognized it as the same physical/mental/whole-being response I felt that day while shoveling snow.

This new studio space has absolutely everything I wished for and more. Huge south and east facing windows, exposed brick, towering ceilings, timber beams, a view of downtown...there's even railroad tracks outside our window! And, you know, I have an affinity for trains ever since my old train hopping days...but that's probably another story.

I feel very grateful to share a very deep connection with the woman I'm going into partnership with. She will be teaching motivational workshops for corporate clients and leading travel adventure groups for the purpose of helping animals in need, both nationally and abroad. Together, we are forming an unstoppable force and will be doing work that is deeply meaningful to both of us--each in our own way. I am Stray Dog Arts. My new business partner is about to become Stray Dog Adventures. And TOGETHER we are Stray Dog Arts and Adventures! I have to admit, I feel a bit like the Wonder Twins, but I have to say, we really are that good together! :)

Needless to say, I have just entered a whole new stage of my life. I am no longer just "me" painting dogs because I love them. That is the foundation of what I will continue to do...but this is also my opportunity to make my life look any way I want. The universe has granted me an astounding gift in leading me to this friendship and partnership. It has given me a huge gift in giving me such an incredible space from which to work from--to paint, to lead workshops, to hold photo shoots, to host events, to fund raise, to sell my art, to write, to simply breathe.

This, my friends, blows my wildest dreams out of the water. I can't really describe why or how, but my life, and the experiences I'm capable of having, have only recently opened up in so many ways. I mean, seriously...me? with my very own gallery space?!?! Running self-created workshops?! Creating in a studio space that will take people's breath away?! And a huge potential for travel and animal rescue?! {still blinking...}

My focus right now is to build a business and partnership that is wildly successful. One that is built of connection and heart. I want my life to be big. I want it to be bold. And I want my business to make a difference--in the lives of animals and people. Our lives are so full of possibility. Each and everyone of us has such a deep pool of potential. The trick is not only in recognizing it, but trusting it. I am still learning this--an endless process? I have no idea how I got to this moment and, yet, I know that everything has led to this.

All I know is that I feel like the luckiest person in the world.

(Thank you, Universe.)


Looks like "mondo-beyondo" isn't so far out of reach after all.
{mind you, I'm still in awe!!}

~

Guess what today is!

TODAY IS MY
LAST DAY
AT THE GARDEN SHOP!!!!

smiling, giddy, huge, pumping, pitter-patter heart...

Today is the day I have been waiting for!!!!

No offense to the garden shop. It has served me well and it has pushed me forward. I will FOREVER be thankful for what happened for me in that space of my life.

But today is the day I take the real, live, wonderful
{LEAP!}

Want to celebrate with me?
Oh, joy!
Oh, happiness!
Oh, long awaited day!

I love the way bravery feels. Big, wonderful, extraordinary life. Bravery makes everything so much better. I can't wait to tell you what's next! :) ...that post is coming soon. ;)

Today is a direct result of this quote:

"DO ONE THING EVERY DAY THAT SCARES YOU."

~Eleanore Roosevelt

Thank you, Be Brave Project!

*image borrowed from here.

~

rainy morning.

It is a cloudy morning and I am sitting here at my desk with a luscious piece of turquoise fabric drawn across the window. I am enjoying the warmth of my puppy's breath on my foot. It rained last night causing me to wake up thinking that the ceiling fan had been turned on. Such a steady rhythm, the rain. For some reason, I moved to the couch and, shortly after, was covered by dogs. I slept hard, but woke up with a headache that is threatening a migraine. For some reason, I don't even mind. There has been so much excitement in my world these past several days that I think my body was simply being kind enough to give me an excuse to keep the blinds down and curtains drawn. I ate a banana, took something for my head, and enjoyed a double espresso (my morning vice love). I am already feeling better, but am still soaking in the nested feeling of darkness and the warm glow of the lamp on my desk.

Today I am honoring my self, my body, and my work. I am honoring the fact that I need today to be quiet and to paint without interruption. I am honoring my need to shut down just for a little while in order to regroup and refill myself. I am honoring my need to dream and to listen to the rain.

This week my wildest dreams are in the process of becoming a reality. There is so much to make sense of. There is so much to figure out, to learn, to be grateful for.

My last post contains a tinge of something that I want to move away from. Maybe to call it a tinge is an understatement. It's more like a heavy weight. These days I am in the process of squaring my shoulders and facing my anxieties, with the intention of overcoming my old limitations. There is the person I was. And there is the person I am now. The person I am and the person I am becoming does not benefit from those old thinking patterns. I am beginning to understand how important it is that I take stock of where I am at, exactly, right now. That means that I have to start paying closer attention to myself. That means that I need to learn a new plan. That means that I need to face my fears head on and, in the process, move beyond what was once holding me back.

Today, in the comforting corner of this lamp lit room, I am thankful to be in a position that necessitates growth--both inwardly and outwardly.

~

surviving survival mode.

I've come to the conclusion that these nuances of life are interesting, indeed. One day I met a woman in a coffee shop. We became friends. And, since then, my life has changed.

Yesterday we sat at my dining room table talking over cups of tea and sharing a light lunch of crackers with avocado and tomatoes. Outside, there was the coolness of autumn in the air and, inside, was a pile of sleeping dogs at our feet.

These days, I often find myself struggling for words to describe how I feel or what I see. Words sometimes become unavailable to me and this is one of those times. But, in talking, I realized something. I realized that I have been living in survival mode for so long that I am often barely able to see past it. I have this odd sensation of breaking down and breaking open all at the same time. I think this must be what growth feels like. When I think about it, I keep seeing myself as some sort of unidentifiable garden mulch...breaking down, disintegrating. The breaking open...well, that feels more like a strange new version of myself breaking out of a chrysalis. Granted, these new wings are still stuck closed to my back. I'm still forming sight. But one thing I do notice is an awful lot of light and openness surrounding me.

There are some incredible things brewing in my potential near future--things that out-do my wildest dreams. But, at the moment, I feel like I am walking the razor's edge. These words are lacking many of the details, but I am writing this here in case another artist or dreamer should stumble upon these thoughts. This is the part where I am struggling. This is the part where I'm making the transition between having a job and becoming a full-time artist. This is the part where I have no idea if the money will be there. This is the part where I am scared shitless. This is the part where I am trying to figure out how to break out of survival mode. This is the part where, if I weren't so stubborn, I would probably have considered giving up.

I am writing this in case a fellow traveler might stumble across it someday and hopefully be reminded that they are not alone. Following your dreams is scary work. The more real it gets, the more courage it takes. There's a lot at stake. I mean, let's get real. How does courage equate to paying bills? Or raising a family. Or, or, or....

I guess courage is the ability to let go of fear, to Be Brave, to keep moving in the direction that is truest, to trust that everything will fall into place.

I am writing this now so that I can go back to these words someday and see where I once was. Today I am standing in a place that feels very scary. I am also standing in a place that holds more potential than I ever imagined for myself. Or rather, I did imagine it. I put images of what I want on my vision board and in my wish box and have written about it many times here and in my journal. And now (dare I say?) it is growing well beyond the seeds I planted.

I have a lot of fear to give up. I'm writing this in my current state of uncertainty to remind myself and others why it is worth the effort.

It is a process--but one thing I know is that I want to do more than simply survive.

~

Who does she think she is?

Hmmm...for some reason, I really like that question. ;)

Thanks daisies for leading me to such a brilliant video and for pointing out these words:

“Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.” (johann wolfgang von goethe)

here's to LIVING BOLDLY!

~

I could tell you...

Well, the past week has been a time of tears and healing. It has also been a time of laughter and friendship. I notice that, unless I write here every day (which rarely seems to happen anymore), I never know where to hop back on board.

I could tell you that I have a puppy asleep at my feet. I call her my "Magic Ella Bean" because she has brought magic into my life and reminds me of a deliciously black French roasted coffee bean.

I could tell you about how happy I am to be alive and living a life that feels so true to me.

I could tell you how I'm looking forward to going out for a lunch of chai and Nepalese food with the most wonderful friend in the world.

I could tell you that my life has been swallowed whole by dogs and my work.

I could tell you about the photo shoot I had with a singing dog and how--WOW--that dog could really sing! Deep howls, held in tune with the harmonica, causing so much happiness to rise up from my center that it was hard to hold the camera steady!

I could tell you about all the ways that the Universe has conspired to help me to do what I'm doing and how amazing I think it is when people I've just met offer to help me to the extent that they do.

I could tell you about how hungry I am to travel north and to sit in the silence of the woods.

I could tell you about how sweet it is to watch Ella and Louie snuggle and how physically, emotionally, and mentally connected they are every second of the day.

I could tell you how happy Anu is to have me back again now that the "young dogs" can entertain themselves.

I could tell you about the porcelain cup I am drinking my coffee out of and how the gold edging catches the cool morning light, adding a bit of unexpected elegance to my day.

I could tell you about how I've decided to dream larger than life...because over and over again I am learning that life is as good as we allow it to be.

I could tell you about my aunt and how I felt her presence in the warmth of the sunshine when we walked out of the church after her funeral. She has become sunshine particles and birds and all sorts of things. She is so completely with me. I notice her often and feel a swell of emotion every time.

I could tell you about Being Brave and how grateful I am that this project has become a part of my life.

I could tell you about how good it felt to read my first glossy feature article and how happy I am with the way that Marni Wedin crafted our interview into an article (Thank you, Marni!).

There's so much I could tell you. But the question, once again, is where should I begin?

~

Words fail me.

This morning I feel a profound sense of sadness. The sun is shining and I am drinking coffee out of one of my very favorite blue bird cups. But the thought of sun shine and birds only makes me more sad because these are things that my aunt loved.

Today I will travel north to attend her wake and, tomorrow, her funeral. A few days ago she lost her fight with Luekemia. She was 49 years old. In my mind's eye, I see her smile. I see her sense of hope, her determination to live. I see her love for the natural world--for rain and deer and water. I see her loving her kids and growing huge gardens. I see her strength and sparkle.

I am afraid to see my uncle's sadness now that she's gone. Of all my aunts and uncles, they were the ones I was closest to. I feel the weight of her not being here anymore. I feel it so strongly that I have avoided writing about it here. Her death creates an enormous crack in my foundation.

The other day I came across a photograph that a dear friend gifted to me. It is of a birdcage hanging near the sea with its door open. In the threshold of the door is a single feather and the cage is slightly tilted as though blowing in the wind. I look at that photo and think of my aunt. I imagine the door of her heart being opened and out she flew.

My aunt has been set free and I find that profoundly beautiful.
It's just that I already miss her dearly--in a way that words are unable to touch.

Photo by Maddie, a beautiful friend and very talented photographer.

~