Diary of a Self Portrait

Friday, May 23, 2008

lovin' a whole lotta NEWNESS!

• Greeting cards
• Prints
• Originals
• and Gift Certificates are available!

And when you're done shopping, head down to your local bookstore for a copy of Bark magazine and check out my new ad! Ooooh! I'm nearly giddy with excitement! I love Bark. A magazine where canine, literary, and inquisitive love collide!


My next endeavor is to learn how the hell to keep tabs on myself. Anyone have suggestions for programs/books/information on record keeping, project management, and accounting? I need a system...this coming from someone who barely balances her checkbook! :)-

Welcome to my new life, in all its chaotic glory! :)
With love and big fat kisses,
j.

ps.
Prints have been added to my old Patch of Sky Etsy as well. Another new line of prints and greeting cards will be on its way soon!

posted by Jessie at 5/23/2008 10:16:00 PM   16 comments

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

I {Heart} NY...(ie. Inspiration City)

Hmmm....where to begin? I've just returned from a trip to New York City and I don't even know where to start! I went there on vacation with my sister, mom, and grandma--the first trip of its kind. We survived the four days together and, dare I say, we even had fun doing it! Well, actually, we had lots of fun. NYC is a walker's paradise, but even more so, it is an ARTIST'S PARADISE! I'm not sure I've ever been so inspired by a particular place. Holy wonderful! I spent the entire 4 days that we were there gathering inspirations for future projects. 3 projects, to be exact. And now my hands are just itching to get to my paint brushes!


A couple weeks ago, after an (always) incredible telephone conversation with Fiona, I decided that from now on, when presented with options, I will always choose the more adventurous route. I decided this one afternoon while standing in a coffee shop ordering iced tea. I love how our little lessons in life have the ability to make themselves known in those non-extraordinary daily moments. On that particular day I chose mango tea over Irish Breakfast...no big deal, right? Having never tried mango tea before, I was happily surprised...and that's when it hit me. That's when I decided to always take the more adventurous option--no matter how big or small. As I drove away with my cup of iced tea in hand I felt another shift, an opening up, a sense of possibility, that singing-heart sort of feeling. And I must say that, in my book, there is no better feeling than that of singing-heart-open-to-possibility sensation! Perhaps that is what has always drawn me to adventure...but adventure has been one value that I've sorely neglected these past couple years. But you know what? It feels good to have woken up to it once again.

I carried this rekindled adventurous life philosophy all the way to New York with me and am totally fired up by it! :) You see, I carry this "little-ol'-me" view of myself. It's the "I'm-a-Nobody Syndrome." I have a feeling that all too many of us have this problem, but since it doesn't get anyone anywhere, why hold on to it?

I've been noticing something about myself. You see, I've been observing myself when in action (and non-action, as is sometimes the case) and it is so OBVIOUS that I shine more brightly when I live from my center. Actually, I've been noticing that about a lot of people. I know where my center is by the way I feel. If I get an idea and it makes me buzz with excitement, then I know I'm on to something. When I ignore those ideas, I go flat. I get tired, depressed, cranky. When I pursue inspiring thoughts, this energy has a snowball effect and I am met by positivity, inside and out. I'm talking about my experiences here, but the same thing is true for ALL of us. This amazes the hell out of me! We are ALL capable of SO MUCH! Every single one of us! And this thought inspires me beyond all get-out! I love thinking about the ways that each of us can create our own successes if we just get out of own way! :)

I spent a large portion the past four days wandering the streets and taking photos of New York's City's dogs (among other things!). I have never met such an incredibly intelligent and socialized population of canines! Needless to say, I was nervous about asking for a photo every single time. I mean, who am I? I'm just a ridiculous small-town weirdo with a camera, right? Ok...but leaving the view of myself at that would have gotten me nowhere, so I put the thought aside for a second (tip: a second is usually all it takes to dive past any fear), told the person about my project, and asked if I could take a photo of their dog. Every single time I was met with such enthusiasm, respect, and gratitude!!! It was down-right weird! :) Why would anyone care about me or what I'm doing in such a big city?? At least that's the conception I was carrying around about myself. I'm glad I decided to set those thoughts aside long enough to be happily surprised.




Now that I'm home I look forward to turning some of these ideas into tangible form. I spent part of the morning searching Craigslist for an affordable studio apartment in Greenwich Village. I can't afford it yet--but "yet" is the operative word here. I'm on a mission to get back to New York so that I can finish what I've started. I don't doubt that it may take some time, but I'll keep you posted on my results. Miracles happen. ;)

In the meantime, I'm off to my back yard "studio" with paint brushes, paper, and strong coffee to get started on materializing my recent inspirations.


Here's to ridiculous amounts love, happiness, and adventurous vision!! :)

posted by Jessie at 5/21/2008 02:19:00 PM   12 comments

Thursday, May 15, 2008

I'm off to NYC...See ya on the flip side!

I'll return to my sorely neglected blog on Tuesday. That is, unless I find a computer and a little bit of alone time. ;)

posted by Jessie at 5/15/2008 11:13:00 PM   13 comments

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Mama-love...

posted by Jessie at 5/11/2008 12:03:00 AM   9 comments

Friday, May 09, 2008

island dogs and gauguin dreams...

I just finished this painting in memory of "Lu," a stray island dog that was found and adopted in Florida. Commissioned for a mother's day present, I completed the portrait with just enough time for it to dry and then be delivered this Saturday.

I never met Lu, but I can tell by her eyes that she was one incredibly intelligent dog--and I liked her from the moment I laid eyes on the photos. Lu seems like one of those once-in-a-life-time sort of dogs. It's obvious why her family misses her. I would too.

But there's something interesting about painting dogs, even when the portrait is in memory of a loved soul. I had fun painting Lu. It felt like I was painting her back to life. Oh, if only it were possible!

One of the reasons I enjoyed this commission so much is because of Lu's story. Being an island dog, I couldn't help but think of my favorite Paul Gauguin paintings and his imperfectly written memoir, Noa Noa. I came across it while working on my art degree and that little book swallowed me whole. At that point I was already fairly obsessed with Gauguin's life and work, but I fell in love with the book because, even though it wasn't very well written, it was fascinating. Maybe I fell in love with the book BECAUSE it wasn't very well written (but was fascinating anyway). I think that's when I learned the importance of telling our stories--no matter what our level of writerly talent might be.

Painting Lu woke up a side of me that had started to fade away. She woke up the part of me that is curious about the many stories there are to listen to or tell. She has made me think about those sacred colors that live below the surface of our day to day lives. She made me start dreaming about far-away places (India, I miss you!). She made me think about my own story and how I might live it to its furthest reaches. Painting this portrait of Lu has caused me to amp up the color of my dreams.




I think I've found a new love for island dogs. These little experiences, what if we truly let them lead us to whatever is next?

posted by Jessie at 5/09/2008 12:15:00 AM   4 comments

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

new

Yesterday I received a very special gift in the mail. After seeing a necklace that Suzie made, I asked her if I could commission a piece of my own. Let me just say that the power she infused this necklace with takes my breath away. It is not an ordinary piece of jewelery, but is an absolute gift of magic.

Something really powerful happened to me after defending my thesis this past Friday. I experienced a shift. You know that feeling you get on a molecular level that causes your whole world to forever be altered? I was on highway 94 when it happened. I had both hands loosely on the steering wheel; it was raining, and I was leaning slightly forward with a smile on my face completely and utterly turned on by the world and everything around me. Never mind that the sky was grey and threatening to turn into snow. Never mind a lot of things. I was happy and completely present--and for the first time in my life I felt like a woman. Not a girl, but a woman.

Granted, I'm 33 years old and maybe I should have started feeling like a woman a long time ago. But, you see, I've been a daughter, a student, an employee, an underdog for so long that I had never really experienced the full power of my woman-ness.

In my teens and early 20's I was so completely ME. I didn't care what other people thought. I was independent. I was fearless. I was also relatively young. Somewhere along the line, to an extent, I lost the best parts of myself. As a student, adult daughter, and employee I started seeking all the same things: approval, respect, praise, admiration. And I now see how, in the process, I lost little pieces of myself, bit by bit. I allowed my confidence to get rubbed down. I gave away my fire and grace. I replaced some of my favorite qualities with a lowered sense of self-worth. But in these past several months I've started to understand something about the ways that waiting for approval can hold a person back in some seriously disabling ways.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the ways that I've limited myself. I've been trying to understand what happens inside of me when I feel less than capable or less than beautiful or less then anything. What, exactly, happens in the moment that I quit trusting my true self? What is the sensation? What is the trigger?

The day before defending my thesis I met up with my dad for a quick hello. He neglected to wish me good luck or really even acknowledge my accomplishments in any way. In the moment of lamely saying goodbye I felt heart broken and invisible, yet again. But you know what? As I walked away I realized something important: it no longer needs to matter. I can't change him. I can't make him care. And if he does, I can't make him show it. Most importantly, I realized that it is a waste of energy to try and prove myself to him or anyone. Because I've wasted a lot of energy doing that for too many people. I'll still have a relationship with my dad, but from here on out it is going to be on different terms. I'm no longer going to vie for his praise or approval. I'm no longer going to do that for anyone.

After leaving the defense I went out for lunch with one of my professors and she said: "You know, Jessie, you've changed. You're not the same person that you were before." And the funny thing is that I feel like a different person. I feel it from the inside out, and the outside in.

My point is this: I am no longer the same person that I was. I cannot explain it. I cannot describe it. But all I know is that something very important has shifted somewhere deep inside of me. For the first time in my adult life I feel like I am completely and absolutely me.

These days, my life feels like it has caught on fire. I feel empowered and strong. I feel fearless and am hungry for adventure in a way that I have not been in a very long time. Something has shifted and now there is no going back. I am learning and growing and am still scared as hell on a regular basis. But I also feel more capable, willing, daring. Suzie made this necklace with the intention of bringing fire, vitality and joy into my life. I put it around my neck knowing this and feel grateful for the power radiating from her creation. Should I forget any of the lessons I've learned, this necklace is surely a beautiful reminder.

This past week my aunt has been staying with my husband and I while she receives outpatient treatments for Luekemia. She's been in the hospital for the past 4 months and will return for another 3 months beginning next week. I have spent the past several days making sure she is ok and feeling comfortable. I have been sitting in a hospital watching dozens of cancer patients (some just babies and children) and their families doing whatever they need to do just to get through it. My aunt amazes me to extremes. This morning, while sitting on couch, she received the phone call that her own mom died last night--also from cancer. Yesterday, while sitting in the hospital, I received a call that Clara, my adopted grandma, passed away. I keep thinking about Patry Francis and the way she is open to life--it's beauties and pains--with such intensity and love. It is humbling and empowering all at once.

Today I am grateful for the magnificently fierce women in my life. They teach me not to be afraid of transformation. These brilliant butterflies--I am grateful for all of them, including you--my beautiful, strong friends.

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face." ~Eleanore Roosevelt

posted by Jessie at 5/07/2008 01:33:00 PM   14 comments

Saturday, May 03, 2008

Afterward {a recap}

posted by Jessie at 5/03/2008 10:07:00 PM   18 comments

Thursday, May 01, 2008

twas the night before my thesis defense...

I planned on writing a really thoughtful and introspective post tonight, but now I don't really feel like it. At the moment I am sitting in my hotel suite overlooking Lake Bemidji. I've successfully tucked myself away from the world for some much needed quiet time. Vinny decided to treat me with a bit of luxury before my defense tomorrow--oh, and it feels so nice! I have a soft, king size bed all to myself. Actually, everything in this room is soft. The couch, the chair, the towels, the little bed I made for myself on the over-sized windowsill, even the wonderful dinner I ordered from room service left me with a perfectly comforted feeling. The tension from my day disappeared after a long soak in the hot tub outside, snow surrounding me, but I was warm underwater, enjoying the cool breeze on my face and the crystalline sounds of ice being stirred by waves on the lake. There's an eagles nest at atop the pine tree directly out my window. I love being perched at eagle height.

Just now I pulled two tarot cards from The Goddess Tarot--one for tomorrow (my defense) and one for Saturday (the animal/art event). I llayed back on my big soft bed, kicked my legs up and laughed a big, hearty belly-laugh because the words felt good. This is what they said:

For Friday: King of Staves-- Regal, expansive, and energizing, the King of Staves is the epitome of the sun's power. He has the ability to inspire others to grow because of his enthusiasm. Meanings: Dynamic, stable enthusiasm. Master over business ventures. The ability to bring ideas to fruitation.

For Saturday: I. Magic~Isis: The great Egyptian fertility goddess Isis is a potent symbol of the alchemic transformation suggested by this card (oh, and such a beautiful card it is! it speaks to me on a very deep level). She alone was the possessor of the secret name of Ra, the Egyptian ruling god, giving her unlimited magical powers. Meaning: A growing awareness of the magic within yourself. A yearning to grow beyond perceived limitations. You are able to transform your life through the strength of your originality and power--all you need to to is own it. Renewed creativity and vigor.

I defend my thesis at 11am. I started to get really nervous last night and was this morning too. At some point I realized that I have a choice. I can be miserable and nervous because I was allowing myself to feel that way since that's just what people do in these sorts of situations. OR I could NOT be nervous (or sad or depressed or any of those other negative emotions that were vying for my attention) and INSTEAD just enjoy this moment of rest between an incredibly hectic few weeks.

Please send me your wonderful bloggy vibes over the next couple of days. You people, my blogging community, what would I do without you?? And I'll be sending love right back at ya. ;) Actually, I'm sending it now. Can you feel it?

posted by Jessie at 5/01/2008 10:57:00 PM   15 comments

Friday, April 25, 2008

altered.

I've been feeling exhausted lately, but after an evening of painting I feel absolutely re-energized. I wouldn't even bother writing about the extreme tiredness that has accompanied my week except that it fits this photo of Louie so well that I couldn't help but make some sort of connection between the way I've been feeling to his frumpy bottom lip and relaxed pose.

Last night I layed in bed reading a book (Writing as a Way of Healing by Louise DeSalvo) in preparation for the oral defense of my thesis. I've barely even had time to think about any of it and so it felt good to take a few minutes to reconnect myself with the project that I've already grown distant from now that it's finished.

I read a chapter titled "Writing Pain, Writing Loss" and thought about how writing helps me to clarify and better understand the experiences and emotions that are muddy or unclear to me. My thesis revolves around the idea of a sense of place. It is a memoir and explores the past 3 years of my life. It's about loss, but it's also about what I found. Last night, for unknown reasons, a question popped into my head and I wrote it into the margins of my book: "What did I lose, really?"

If I were to boil down all of my losses into one little nugget of truth...there is an emotion at the center of it all that is just as raw as it ever was. It still causes tears to spring to my eyes. It still causes a lump to catch in my throat. It still causes a sharp, deep-pitted sensation somewhere inside of me that I can't quite locate. There was one central experience that encapsulates all the losses combined--and that was the death of my dog, Abe.

I set my book down and attempted to follow two lines of thought: one was the feeling of true groundedness and connection I felt with the land I lived on and the love I felt for Abe; the other was that tight knot of loss I felt in losing both at the same time, and also my grandpa. I should clarify, however, that I didn't actually "lose" my house. I sold it. I sold it because the town it is near lacked the opportunities I desired and I couldn't afford to keep it as a vacation home. Although it was extremely difficult to leave that place in the country, in it's own way, it was necessary. Sometimes following one's heart hurts like hell...and this is one such example.

I didn't expect such a barrage of emotions to come swelling to the surface last night, but now they don't seem to want to go away--at least not yet. Writing past the surface has caused me to look at things from an altered perspective and to realize that these powerful emotions are much more of a gift than a loss. I am grateful to have loved so deeply. But it surprises me how easy it is for me to relive that place and time--as though I could turn around and it would all be there.

This coming Friday I will defend my thesis. A part of me is looking forward to it. Another part of me just wants it to be over. And yet another part of me wonders what it will be like on the other side of a three year struggle. Of course, life is never so black and white, simple, or well-defined. Defending my thesis won't cause me to quit missing Abe. It won't bring back my grandpa's smile. It won't be what connects me to a particular place. It won't rebuild my family. It won't fulfill my dreams. It won't do a lot of things.

Instead, life will just keep moving forward in its own mysterious ways. I'll make more mistakes to be replaced by unexpected joys. I'll keep trying to follow my heart, one little step after another. And, most likely, I'll be altered by life over and over and over again.

In the meantime, Louie has found a new obsession. It started today and the timing is frighteningly uncanny. You see, when Abe died I put his ashes in a ceramic urn that I made myself. The lid has a deep bowl that curves downward, just the right size for his old tennis ball and collar. It sits on the bookshelf, not getting much attention except for an occasional dusting. Today, however, Louie noticed that tennis ball. And now he can't quit thinking about it. He has sat in front of it for hours--whining, begging, and whimpering for us to give it to him. He walks away from it only to return. We haven't given it to him (yet?) because he has about a zillion toys and I don't want Abe's tennis ball to become something to be forgotten about.

But in all honesty, it trips me out a bit.

I find it strange how life gets weaved back into things. I'm not even sure if we ever lose anything. Tonight I painted for several hours and, during that time, everything felt right. All the difficulties went away. The worries, the doubt, the problems that I've had to deal with. My exhaustion was replaced by a feeling of energy. And I am reminded, once again, that none of this would have happened if all that pain and loss wouldn't have come before.

Maybe Louie is psychic. Maybe Abe's sending messages from beyond. Maybe Louie is just obsessed with tennis balls. Maybe things will never be easy. Maybe these tears will never go away. Maybe I'll keep loving so much that someday my heart will burst.

And maybe, in the end, everything will work out perfectly. Or maybe, just maybe, it already is.

posted by Jessie at 4/25/2008 11:56:00 PM   15 comments

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Oh my dear blog, how I've missed you!

Oh my gosh...has it seriously been this long since my last blog post?? I think I've set a new personal record. I don't think I've ever gone this long without posting--not even while on vacation! I will say, however, that I've been on anything but vacation!

And so where to begin?? Well, let's see...

Last week I found out with just two weeks to spare that one of the Twin Cities' biggest fundraising dog events of the year has exhibitor space (which, for some reason, I stupidly wasn't aware of). Of course, I immediately called the director of events and (lucky break) there were still two spots left! Several problems though:

• I didn't have tent to exhibit in.
• I didn't necessarily have the $ to invest in everything needed (space, tent, inventory).
  
• I was totally unprepared and in great need of inventory!
• The event takes place THE DAY AFTER I'm scheduled to defend my thesis.
• Not to mention, I was still dealing with thesis details AND working AND trying to make headway on the big alphabet commission.

And so I said thank you very much, but maybe next year. I told the woman I wanted to do it, but just didn't feel like I could pull it all together in time. After I hung up the phone I felt a big, ugly bout of depression fall on my head.

Later in the day I sent Thea an email whining about how I had depleted myself to the point of tears by trying to accomplish too much in too little time (during the course of my week long "vacation"). And then I told her about how frustrated I was over my newest dilemma (not knowing about the dog event until so late in the game) and my need for balance in my life. I should mention that I don't usually email Thea, but did so because I had been feeling a strong urge to do so. Oh my holy yes! And am ever glad that I told her about all of it...because you know what she did? Well, long story made short...

posted by Jessie at 4/22/2008 01:30:00 AM   19 comments

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Grow.

Yesterday I spent a large portion of my day beginning work on my largest commission, to date. The stack of boxes full of canvases stretching from floor to ceiling has been a bit intimidating, but it felt good to finally get started on it. For the next couple weeks I will be taking a side-step away from my pet portraits and will be focusing on a series of 25 (18"x18") canvases, each with a letter of the alphabet inspired by vintage wood, metal, and Las Vegas boneyard signs.

The finished piece will hang in a nearly 8 foot x 8 foot square on a huge beautiful wall of a designer's studio/office space. Wanna know the best part? My artwork will be sharing a home with THREE Bloomsbury orginals!!! And if you're not familiar with the Bloomsbury Group, they were the wonderfully wild group of artist and writer friends who Virginia Woolf hung out with. I realize that this makes me a complete and utter literary geek, but someone please pinch me! As a grad student I spent an entire semester intensely studying the Bloomsbury Group's work and writing essays about the influences that occur between visual art and writing. And now my art is going to be next to their art?? In my book, that counts as a compliment to the highest degree!!

Anyway, when all is said and done, I'm looking forward to having giclee prints made of the letters and trying my luck with them on Etsy. I'm enjoying this feeling of having several baskets full of eggs (versus having all my eggs in one basket). Although the commission alone is enough to make me happy, it would be nice to have a gift that keeps on giving, so to speak. That is, a source of income that doesn't require me to be constantly producing new work--especially at times when I need a break, am working on a project that doesn't produce instant income, or when I get backed up with other commissions.

One thing I'm learning is how to manage both my flow of energy and flow of income. Maybe it's because these endeavors feel so fresh and new and exciting, but I'm having a lot of fun with this--mostly because I'm beginning to realize just how much I get to create my own reality. I realize that I might sound like I'm regurgitating Law of Attraction philosophies, but (holy cats!!) it's FOR REAL!! Ok, ok, in all honest, I occasionally start doubting myself, my art, my dreams...BUT the second I let go of those thoughts and simply get back to work, things start flowing again. It's down right weird.

Granted, I find it difficult to simply turn off my negative thoughts, as though they were a light switch. However, every time I just set my thoughts aside and return to my studio or do whatever needs to be done, the ball starts rolling once again. On Tuesday I went and talked to my boss about hiring another employee because I wasn't sure how much longer I would be able to work there and I don't want to leave her in a pinch during her busiest season. Mind you, I've been putting that conversation off for months now because I was, well...afraid. Now that all is said and done I'm left wondering what I was really so afraid of. She was absolutely understanding, thankful, supportive, and hopeful for me. I cut back to 2 days a week in May with the understanding that even that might not last much longer.

When I got home I found an email for a new commission in my inbox. Later in the day I met 3 dog trainers, 2 of whom want me to paint their dogs and know of several other people that would be interested as well. It amazes me how taking a step forward, no matter how big or small, is all it takes for the Universe to crack open and rain gifts.

These days, I am growing--as an artist, a dreamer, a thinker. I have a new word in my active vocabulary and it is: entrepreneur. I don't know why, but I'm really loving that word these days. I barely even know how to spell it! But I love the way it feels, the way it sounds, the way I have to consciously make my mouth muscles move through its unfamiliar word shape.


There were certain concepts that struck me most deeply during the past 3 months of participating in Circe's Circle. They are:


And that is what the word "entrepreneur" represents for me. It is an avenue, an opportunity, a path. The part I love the most is how I get to make it look any way I want. Well, actually, we all get to do that. I just didn't realize it until recently. ;)

posted by Jessie at 4/10/2008 11:53:00 AM   23 comments

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Wolfie Love

posted by Jessie at 4/09/2008 10:28:00 PM   7 comments

Sunday, April 06, 2008

The Chronicles of Jessie: The Story of a Woman Who Succeeded (a story in progress...)

It's a gray spring morning and I've used the quiet time of this morning for an opportunity to clean the house. Vinny's been sick most of the week and things were starting to feel in need of a good de-germing and airing out. Luckily, spring has arrived to our frozen corner of the world and I was even able to open doors and windows. The house is now filled wish the smell of fresh air, candles, coffee, and quiet. *Deep breath* I am enjoying this feeling of freshness immensely.

But that's not what my post is supposed to be about. Hmmmm...where to begin? I want to tell you about a book that I'm reading and LOVING: Secrets of Six-Figure Women by Barbara Stanny. I found the book through Jamie after she gave us questions from the book as homework for Circe's Circle. I found the questions interesting and, since I've been putting a lot of focus on my financial well-being these days, I of course ran to the nearest bookstore and bought it. Mind you, I've never shopped in the business/finance section of the bookstore before and I had absolutely no idea that there was anything in that section would be THIS GOOD! I haven't been able to put it down!

The book, however, is not a sit down and read from cover to cover sort of book. It's more like a read a chapter and then do a whole lot of thinking, journaling, excavating, visualizing, and realizing sort of book. I decided early on that I wanted to blog about my experience of moving towards my dream. Granted, dreams are ever-evolving, but I feel truly blessed to be walking the path I'm on. I'm beginning to see how I could even start mapping it all out. And, although we each will have a very unique experience in following our hearts, it's important to me that I share my journey here just in case it should inspire another to do the same. For me, there is nothing more powerful than knowing that there are others striving for similar goals and blogging has been an incredibly empowering tool for connecting and amplifying the positive energy of growth. We are a domino effect gently nudging each other forward--helping each other through our lows and celebrating our accomplishments no matter how large or small.

One thing that I quickly realized in reading Stanny's book is that I fall very easily into her category of UNDER-EARNERS. I mean, I was actually cringing as I read that chapter because of how well I fit all the credentials. I feel as though I have grown a lot in these past few months and also as though my vision has expanded enormously. I look back at the way I thought about what I was capable of having, doing, and earning at the beginning of the Be Brave Project and compare it to where I'm at now and I'm just like: WOW!! I was limiting myself in so many ways! But it's a learning process, isn't it. Because I'm still learning. There's still so much farther to go. Even now (especially now!!) I'm realizing just how many limiting beliefs I've been carrying around...but the weird thing is how much FUN I'm starting to have myth-busting my thinking patterns. Sure, it is sometimes painful and aggravating and enormously frustrating, but the more I experience myself moving past those feelings, the more I am beginning to learn that it IS possible to move past anything!

I'm beginning to think of this blog as "The Chronicles of Jessie." Right now is the part where I get to witness myself move from near poverty to enormous wealth. I've always had issues with money (who doesn't?). I've always equated money with shallowness, mental illness, loneliness, disillusionment, lack of soulful purpose, lies, and unhappiness. When I was in my teens and twenties I boldly committed to living a life true to my heart, not money. I do not regret that because it served me well and pushed me to live a wonderfully non-conventional young life: I traveled the world, lived great adventures, and learned about myself in ways that I could have never learned if I had lived those years striving for money. I lived well and I lived completely.

However, I am beginning to realize that my old beliefs about money no longer serve me. And, if anything, they are a hindrance to my ability to live from my heart. These days I am learning how money can be a positive force. Financial success. That is something I never thought would be a part of my story--that is, until now. I thought that living true to myself meant that I had to live with less. That was the trade-off (or so I thought). But my eyes are just now starting to open up to the possibility that there is no reason in the world why living passionately and soulfully can't bring you everything you want and more.

Yes, so this week, in my mind, I've been blogging about all of these thoughts (a whole lot more eloquently, I might add!), but basically, The Chronicles of Jessie is going to be the story of a girl woman living her dreams. Despite whatever hardships may or may not arise, I think (well, actually I know) I would like to make my life a success story.

I had a happy realization last week that I've made more money doing art than I have doing anything else in my entire life. LIGHT BULB! :) Who said you can't make a living off of art? Who said you can't make a GOOD living off of art? Myth: BUSTED.

Everything is changing and my life is already not the same life that it was before. These days I'm learning how to be open. I'm learning how to discard old crutches and belief systems. And ya wanna know what? ...this week is the first time in years that I've had more money than I actually need to squeak by. Coincidence? I don't think so. I'm nowhere near six-figures (yet? ;)), but I am standing here feeling AMAZED by how good this ABUNDANCE feels!!! :)

Recommended reading: Secrets of Six-Figure Women by Barbara Stanny.

posted by Jessie at 4/06/2008 11:30:00 AM   13 comments

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Trixie and Adeline

Tonight I lovingly packaged up my most recent commissions for two very dear blogging friends Tori and Imelda. I am learning rather quickly that it is impossible to know in advance how long, exactly, it will take to paint a portrait. Every painting I have ever done has always been a new experience. And this was no exception when it came to painting portraits of Adeline (top left) and Trixie (bottom right).

I am still amazed by how much emotion I can have for a dog by the time I am done painting it. I suppose if you look at something long enough, you can walk away with a greater familiarity of it, no matter what it is. But it's hard to explain. It's something more than that. I am sitting here right now struggling with words to explain what I mean...and finding it impossible. Something extraordinary happens when I paint dogs. It is an intuition, an understanding, a unexplainable connection. All I know is that I am grateful that this happens because, somehow, it feels very much like a gift.

As I worked on Adeline's portrait what I felt was an absolute, pure, complete trust. I can tell that she loves her people with her entire being. You know that feeling of loving someone so much that you can barely stand it? That feeling of wanting to be close, so close that you can never get close enough? In painting Adeline's portrait, it seems to me that she has given her whole heart to Tori and B. and they have given their whole hearts to her. I mean, really, how many hours did I work on her painting, feeling that powerful love the entire time? Do you see why this work fills me so completely?

In painting both Adeline and Trixie, what I saw (or rather, felt) was the great amount of love that they hold for their human companions. Trixie (Imelda's dog), has sadly passed away. Still, I could feel her life stretching right past the canvas and into our living, breathing world. Funny how that love and energy doesn't go away--even after one dies. I smiled often while painting Trixie's portrait--mostly because of the goofy little grin she had on her face, but also because I could sense her body just barely able to control her eagerness for love. Several years ago, my dog Abe passed away. If one could ever have a soul-dog, then he was mine. He was what one might call my familiar. When he died my whole world just sort of fell out from under me. He might have been "just a dog," but to me he was much more than that and his loss was the most devastating experience of my life. Adopting Louie has helped to heal my heart in a hundred thousand ways. I was even starting to forget that tender spot in my heart. That is, until I started painting Trixie's and Adeline's portrait.

The thing that blows me away is how everything in my life has brought me to this work. I have struggled often these past couple months in maintaining a belief in myself that is strong enough to get me past this time of "in between." That is, this time between stretching myself too thin between both work and painting...this time before taking the necessary next step into full-time artistville. There have been many days when I was the only person that actively believed in myself (or at least that's how it felt). There have been days when even that belief became dangerously nonexistent. If I wanted to play it safe I suppose I could get a job with benefits and a steady pay-check, but then I pick up my paint brushes and am filled with such...aliveness.

What would it take for me to believe that this work will take care of me? What would it take for me to have greater faith that my heart knows the most financially/ emotionally/ mentally/ spiritually/ physically satisfying path? And what would happen if I allowed myself to feel as connected to me as I do the subjects I paint?

posted by Jessie at 4/02/2008 11:46:00 PM   15 comments

Monday, March 31, 2008

For the love of Sunday:

posted by Jessie at 3/31/2008 11:03:00 PM   12 comments

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Dream Studio: A Request.

Dear Universe,

I want a warehouse studio space and it would make me very happy if it looked something like this:

posted by Jessie at 3/27/2008 09:36:00 PM   23 comments

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Abundance, revisited.

I stayed up until nearly 2 am last night working on a collage. Every week we are given homework for Circe's Circle and this week I gave myself the assignment to create a collage since I've been wanting to do one for months now, but just haven't taken the time to actually do it.

After seeing Melba's Vision Cards, despite the late hour, I felt a surge of inspiration and without a moment's hesitation I took that energy directly downstairs to my studio and got to work. I'm glad I did it because this morning when I woke up it was one of the first things I saw upon entering my office and it sort of took my breath away. You know that feeling when you get a really serious haircut or a dramatic new color? Yes, it sort of felt like that. And it felt good.

When I began I wasn't sure what I wanted the collage to be about or what it would include. I simply collected images from magazines and items laying around my studio space. I was looking for things that resonated with me. There was one word in particular that kept replaying in my head: ABUNDANCE. Seems like I've been carrying that word around with me for awhile now and since that was the thought that I was most attracted to, it is largely what the collage came to reflect.

I chose images that were ripe, heavy, bulbous, and earthy. Over and over I found myself most attracted to deep, rich, vibrant colors. I was looking for things that made me feel alive, grounded, energetic. The images I chose do not surprise me all that much--except for the word "home." For some reason I wasn't expecting that to come out of last night's collage even though it is, indeed, a deep desire I carry within me. The images in this collage make me feel a profound sense of fullness and satisfaction. That is, after all, what I'm after these days.

There are a lot of ripe fruits and voluminous bulbs and gourds, a butterfly and bee, heavy with nectar. There are densely blooming flowers, a young girl running in the ocean's tide, dogs, glowing timbers of a house under construction, a 10 Rupee note from India, and a handwritten reminder that reads: anything is possible when you believe.

I ended up putting the whole thing in a frame that I got last fall. It's been sitting in the basement ever since, waiting for the perfect something that I was never able to materialize until now.


Today, quite honestly, was a challenging day. Tuesdays have been like this for me lately because it is the day before my "work week" begins and the last day in a series of three to get a lot of painting, paperwork, and errand running accomplished. I have a hard time switching gears between my artist's life and my work life. Not that the artist's life isn't work. To be sure, it is. But it is work that I truly enjoy--even the parts that don't require me to have a paintbrush in my hand. There is so much more to making a living as an artist than simply making art! Oh, but I posses a strange love for all of it. Needless to say, Tuesday rolls around and I start to feel the drowning water of Wednesday begin to rise. Because I am never able to accomplish as much as I would have liked to, Tuesday is the day that I start to feel stretched too thin.

But soon...soon things will fall into place and I will be able to focus my energies in ways that will serve my sense of well being more completely. There has already been much abundance that has entered into my life. Its form has taken many shapes and, for this, I am thankful. When I take a step back from the overwhelming details of my day I see that, like the images in this collage, my life is very beautiful. The best part is that I truly, truly believe that all of these things will come into my life--this ripeness, this color, this sense of home, naturalness, money, and play. Someday soon I will look back at this time and think: Wow. I knew all along! I just need to remind myself of this...especially on days when it feels like I don't know anything at all.

posted by Jessie at 3/25/2008 11:34:00 PM   6 comments

Monday, March 24, 2008

Easter Sunday at Bob's

I admit it: I skipped out on Easter at grandma's in a futile attempt to catch up with my life. Mind you, I will probably never actually accomplish this feat, but it felt good to enjoy a relatively nonobligatory day and, for that, I do not feel guilty. Actually, the gravity of Easter didn't really hit me until V. and I attempted to go grocery shopping only to find that NOTHING was open! I suppose that makes me a bad Catholic, doesn't it? Hmmph. Luckily, the Trader Joe Pagans were open and so we didn't starve.

I spent much of the day working on a portrait of a sweet blog-dog named Adeline. I love that name and, oddly enough, have fallen in love with the dog as well. Never mind that I've never even met her. Her sweet eyes have been looking up at me for days (from the photograph and then the canvas) and now and I can't help it--my heart has been swallowed whole. I've also been working on a portrait of another blog-dog named Trixie. Trixie has unfortunately passed on but, even so, her spirit is alive and well. I can feel it in the little smile she puts on my face whenever I work on her portrait. She looks at me with these big, joyful, expectant eyes and I imagine her little body nearly quivering with expectation. I feel honored to be painting both of these beautiful beings and can only hope that the end result of both will do justice to the love barely containable in a 16" x 16" canvas.

Afterwards, I headed down to Bob's for a cup of coffee, where I found more bad Catholics (yay!)...and took a photo of myself with my webcam for unknown reasons (see above). I brought with me 2 large bags of books and my laptop with the intention of editing an essay and writing the Works Cited page for my thesis. For some reason, I felt the need to get out of my usual space and spread out in order to accomplish this not-so-small task. My thesis is an interesting oddity to me now that I've finished writing it. It is difficult for me to encounter. I realize that "encounter" is a strange word to use within this context, but that is what it feels like: an encounter. It feels as though it is an actual encounter with myself, a meeting of myself--that is, a self that I once was in the past--a self that I once knew well and, like an old friend, will always understand better than anyone else.

From the stack of books I brought with me, there is one book in particular that still intrigues me the most, a book that I used as a resource in the writing of my thesis: Writing as a Way of Healing: How Telling Our Stories Transforms Our Lives by Louise DeSalvo. There are times that I feel like I am nearly leaping out of my skin with excitement and curiosity. There are so many things I want to do and see and create and understand. There will never be an end to this learning. There will never be an end to this intense interest in the layers of meaning and connectedness that create my life and that life creates.

Over and over I find myself struggling with the issue of time. Always, I'm looking for more. Never, do I have enough. The feeling is intense: this love I feel for life. Sometimes I feel like I could live forever--and, still, it would not be enough.

These days, my life is in the middle of a transformation. I often find myself in a storm somewhere between holding back and pushing forward. It is interesting and complicated, painful and wonderful, all at the same time. Sometimes I feel like, if I open my mouth, I might just burst into flames or song. Sometimes (often) I wonder what would happen if I didn't contain myself. And the thought feels dangerous. Amazingly, devilishly, dangerous.

posted by Jessie at 3/24/2008 12:01:00 PM   17 comments

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

this is the real me

ok, i admit it. i was starting to feel bad about things. there was a lull in new commissions and i started to feel like i was a total failure and the whole plan to become a full-time artist was about to flop. yes, i have a tendency towards impatience. yes, it seems i have a flair for internal sorts of drama. yes, i had been spending way too much time worrying when i should have been simply enjoying...

because monday night i had my circe's circle call and afterwards a lot of things magically resolved themselves. it's sometimes weird like that, but is exactly what i am loving so much about our calls.

this week jamie had us do some humming and heavy sighing (well, that turned into heavy laughing on my end of the line!--the laughing, btw, turned out to be a wonderful release and just what i needed!). anyway, she had us draw an outline of our body and then fill it in with whatever we wanted. i love the visualizations and exercises that jamie has us do. without fail, i walk away with my mind blown wide open every time. afterwards, she asked us questions about our drawings and had us dialogue with the part that we were most curious about.

so here's my drawing in all its womanly glory...

head: overflowing, exploding, energized with a fountain of ideas

throat: the part i had a dialogue with. short, jagged purple marks. my picture was telling me that there is something that wants out, something that i can feel all the way into my throat...tears, laughter, words expressing the many emotions i've been feeling. these jagged little lines told me that through my full and complete expression i will make it past whatever it is holding me back. hence, i share this with you here and, already, i see that my throat was right.

heart: full, open, bursting. this, i feel, is truly the center of my drawing. this is where all things originate for me right now. this is my sacred center and it fills me.

arms: those squiggly green lines are energy...painting energy! my arms and hands can barely stay still because of their need to move and create. my hands are held behind me, exposing my chest, but opening my heart ever further. a vulnerable position turned into positive form of strength.

wrists: i used red because i felt like my wrists are important, valuable...and perhaps even a little vulnerable. same with my knees. i wrote "tender." for my job i do a lot of heavy lifting and, as warm weather returns, there will only be more and more of it. lifting a lot of cast iron, stone, ceramic, up and down stairs...this work feels like a threat to the long term strength of my body. i am wary of injuring myself. i am protective of my body as i grow these wings.

hips: ok, so i have hips and they are rather large. in this picture i have decided to love those hips. every last bit of 'em.

legs: orange "rods." i feel intensely rooted, grounded, solid in my connection to earth.

i also padded much of my body in a pink layer...softness, protection, self-containment and love. that purple dot in my belly is not my belly button. it's my core. solid, compact, deeply colored, circulating energy between my heart center and belly core and throughout the rest of my body.

i would write more...but this feels like enough for right now. i just wanted to share this with you...

posted by Jessie at 3/19/2008 11:30:00 PM   7 comments

Monday, March 17, 2008

not yet spring.

It is a quiet day today. A perpetual early morning gray hangs in the air as snow falls gently, covering whatever exposed ground that had begun to reveal itself. I took the dogs for a longer walk that usual because for the first time in a very long while I found myself once again in love with winter. It has been such a long winter of wanting and waiting. Somehow I think I let my favorite season get entirely caught up in that feeling of frustration.

For a few hours today I will have to take a step sideways from the forward momentum of my life in order to do some pre-formatting editing on my thesis and then contact the graduate office to make sure all my paper work is in order so that I might soon actually walk away with a degree. I am reluctant to return to this aspect of my life, but am finding the heavy clouds helpful. I will brew a fresh pot of coffee and cozy up with my computer so that I might finally and truly be done with this one lingering aspect of my past.

I feel tender today. I feel like I might easily cry. I feel very present as though I exist beyond the surface of my skin. Maybe that is why the gray feels so good. A buffer between me and the world. The snow has a calming effect. So much so that, upon returning home with the dogs, I simply sat out in the yard watching them play for a very long time. It made me wish for a place in the country. Somewhere that I wouldn't feel like a weirdo for sitting outside in the snow for no particular reason.

posted by Jessie at 3/17/2008 11:20:00 AM   14 comments

Saturday, March 15, 2008

You are now entering a new chapter in the Life of Jessie…

Well, my friends, it’s out with the old...and in with the NEW!!

In celebration of the many positive changes in my life, I felt like a little redecoration was in order. Much to Vinny’s dismay, I’m addicted to designing complicated, image-heavy blog templates. What would I do without my rock-star of a web-designing husband?? I don’t mean to gloat, but I am loving this new look! Thank you, dear husband, for making my problematic ideas work and for adding your own intuitive touches.

Goodbye pink and brown…

Hello NEW BEGINNING!

ps.

hidden surprise: try dragging the polaroids around--there's more to see! ;)

posted by Jessie at 3/15/2008 11:03:00 PM   17 comments

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

I've been meaning to tell you: It was the best Art Opening ever! Here are some photos to show why

posted by Jessie at 3/11/2008 11:01:00 PM   22 comments

Saturday, March 08, 2008

Grand Opening Promotional Sale!

For the past 6 weeks I have spent every ounce of energy preparing for this leap into the wild and wonderful unknown, taking all the steps necessary to begin living an AUTHENTIC new life.


I might not have done this if it were not for my blogging sisters.
I might not have done this if it were not for the Be Brave Project.
I might not have done this if it were not for this incredible network of inspiration and support that you, my blogging friends, provide.
I might not have done this if... well, there are probably a lot of reasons.

Some how, some way, I came to this space within where I met my truest self. And since that day I have not been able to turn back.

In celebration and gratitude of the connections that have led me to this most incredible time in my life, I want to offer you (and the friends and family who hear about this offer through you)...