Sunday, August 24, 2008

Words fail me.

This morning I feel a profound sense of sadness. The sun is shining and I am drinking coffee out of one of my very favorite blue bird cups. But the thought of sun shine and birds only makes me more sad because these are things that my aunt loved.

Today I will travel north to attend her wake and, tomorrow, her funeral. A few days ago she lost her fight with Luekemia. She was 49 years old. In my mind's eye, I see her smile. I see her sense of hope, her determination to live. I see her love for the natural world--for rain and deer and water. I see her loving her kids and growing huge gardens. I see her strength and sparkle.

I am afraid to see my uncle's sadness now that she's gone. Of all my aunts and uncles, they were the ones I was closest to. I feel the weight of her not being here anymore. I feel it so strongly that I have avoided writing about it here. Her death creates an enormous crack in my foundation.

The other day I came across a photograph that a dear friend gifted to me. It is of a birdcage hanging near the sea with its door open. In the threshold of the door is a single feather and the cage is slightly tilted as though blowing in the wind. I look at that photo and think of my aunt. I imagine the door of her heart being opened and out she flew.

My aunt has been set free and I find that profoundly beautiful.
It's just that I already miss her dearly--in a way that words are unable to touch.


Photo by Maddie, a beautiful friend and very talented photographer.

~

29 comments:

Patry Francis said...

So sorry, Jessie. Thanks for sharing a little bit of your extraordinary aunt with us. xx

Schriftstellar said...

I'm so sorry, Jessie. Your aunt sounds like a wonderful person and a blessing to all who knew her. Thanks so much for sharing a little bit of her with us!

megg said...

Oh my dear girl -

Please know that I am thinking of you and sending you all of the love I can send - to you and to your family.

Take good care of you -

with love -

xoxoxo

Olivia said...

I am so sorry, too, Jessie. I send my love to you as well. Know that I think of you daily, and cheer you on in your endeavors, weep with you with your sorrows. Much love, O

Deirdre said...

I'm so sorry, Jessie. I wish you comfort and a safe resting place for your heart.

avonde said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Know that you are in my thoughts. She sounds like an amazing person, and the world is better for having known her.

Sharon said...

My condolences...she sounds like a terrific lady...

Annie said...

Jessie, I am so sorry. Be kind to yourself right now...

Samosas for One said...

Sorry to hear about your loss.

Jamie said...

My heart is with you and your family. You are loving and loved, my friend.

andie said...

((hugs))
a.

Anonymous said...

thinking of you & your family, j.
~ruby

Leah said...

i'm so very sorry for your loss, sweet jessie. i'll be sending loads of love to you and your family. (((hugs)))

daisies said...

sending you a long warm hug, xo

Melba said...

sending you love as always my friend.

XO,
melba

Sacred Suzie said...

Oh dearest Jessie, I am so sorry for your profound loss. Times seem to be so hard these days and so many people are losing loved ones. I am sending you white healing light my friend.

Violet said...

Very sorry to hear about your loss! The photo really does provide beautiful imagery. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.

Amy Sullivan said...

Oh Jessie, I am so sorry.~
It is so hard to express how you are feeling or even if you want too.
But, sweet lady, you did it very well.~
My heart is with you.~

Thank you for your note to me on Shelty,~ he passed to heaven on Sunday.Bless his heart.~

You are a very dear soul.~

Hugs~Amy

bella said...

Jessie, I'm thinking of you during this sad time. xxoo

Mark said...

I'm sorry, Jessie.

liz elayne lamoreux said...

i am so sorry jesse.

sending you light and love tonight...

Ritergal said...

Your eloquent words of grief are a powerful tribute to your aunt. Surely she will flutter around, warming your heart with memories.

Tori said...

My love is being sent your way.
Thinking of you.

laundrygirl said...

I'm thinking of you and praying for peace and grace at this time. My heart goes out to you.

melanie said...

jessie, i hope there is rest for your sad heart and little moments of joy remembering your aunt. :)

she sounds like such a brilliant woman.

blessings brave soul.

xo

Amber said...

Peace and love to you.
I am sorry for this loss, Jess.

((((big hug))))

:)

Wenda said...

Oh Jessie. I am moved by your sad loss.

Sheryl said...

I don't know you, but I feel your loss. I lost my mom in December, and every day I miss her like there's no tomorrow... but there is, and I hope you can honor her life as I try to honor my mother's. Blessings to you and yours, Sheryl
www.Schroederville.com

Kel said...

What a beautiful post, thank you for sharing your feelings so eloquently. I'm sorry for your loss.