It is raining today. As I stood outside with the dogs I simply let the morning air wrap itself around me. There is both warmth and coolness in the air. The raindrops, falling in random increments, land on my face and arms in sharp bursts of sensation. Those parts of my skin that receive the raindrop wake up with a shock. I breathe in and I breathe out. The air is heavy and crisp all at once--such strange weather for the month of November--and yet it feels welcome. The air is somewhere "in between." Like me, it is in the process of change. It is volatile and comforting, beautiful and dreary--everything all at once.
Today is Day 5 of Soul Coaching. My life got haphazard for awhile and it seems that I almost missed the boat. Even so, I find it important to start now. On Monday I also began an important journey by starting one-on-one coaching with Jamie. She amazes me. Monday night I hung my show. On Tuesday I said something near devastating to one of my best friends in the world. I didn't mean for it to be received that way, but it was...and, in the process, a whole lot of stuff came up for me--and for her, too. The worst part is that it almost ruined everything. The veil between my old self and the person I am stretching to become feels very thin these days. There is a huge amount of growth happening and I am astounded by how painful and uncomfortable it is. As gross as it sounds, I feel like I'm being birthed. I'm being pummeled, beaten up, shaken upside down. My insides have turned into thick, malleable clay--but stickier, oozier, less manageable. I cry and I say mean things to myself. I go for long walks, eat junk food, and snuggle in bed with a book trying to bring comfort to myself. I could (and really should) live without the junk food.
Anyway, these are some of the reasons that I feel like it's so important that I begin Soul Coaching now, even if I'm a little late. I like it that Denise Linn says at the beginning of the book that we should not expect to do this perfectly. Right now I think I need to give myself a little room for mistake making. I will go back and incorporate the first 4 days into what remains of this week.
Week 1 is focused on the element of Air. This is the part where we get rid of our clutter. Clean out the old to make room for the new. I don't need to look around me to know how badly this needs to be done. My house has become incredibly cluttered. My lack of time and interest in this house reflects itself in my surroundings. It is almost too much for me to face--but I like the way Linn breaks it down, room by room. I can't face my whole house (my whole life) all at once. But I can tackle the linen closet. The big closet outside the bathroom that we just threw things in when we moved here two years ago. The closet whose chaos has only grown over time, becoming so cluttered that there is almost no room for the bath towels it is meant to hold. Tomorrow maybe I'll tackle my drawing table that has been lost under 2 feet of mostly important papers.
Ok, so my life feels messy right now. It feels very, very messy. Not just on the outside, but inside, too. Well, especially on the inside. It's not really about the linen closet. It's not really about the drawing table or mountain of papers.
Something important is happening right now. I feel another shift taking place. I don't understand what it is yet--but someday I do not doubt that it will make sense. I don't mean to burst any bubbles, but living your passion is not a free ticket to easy living. If anything, it amplifies every possible emotion. There is a part of me that is very thankful for the place I'm at--no matter how painful it might feel right now.
Today I will sit with Linn's words from Day 4: "you are not your identity. who you are is so much more magnificent, remarkable, and eternal." I am nothing more than November air--and yet I'm not even that, I'm more.
**image credits: The Sietch Blog