surviving survival mode.

I've come to the conclusion that these nuances of life are interesting, indeed. One day I met a woman in a coffee shop. We became friends. And, since then, my life has changed.

Yesterday we sat at my dining room table talking over cups of tea and sharing a light lunch of crackers with avocado and tomatoes. Outside, there was the coolness of autumn in the air and, inside, was a pile of sleeping dogs at our feet.

These days, I often find myself struggling for words to describe how I feel or what I see. Words sometimes become unavailable to me and this is one of those times. But, in talking, I realized something. I realized that I have been living in survival mode for so long that I am often barely able to see past it. I have this odd sensation of breaking down and breaking open all at the same time. I think this must be what growth feels like. When I think about it, I keep seeing myself as some sort of unidentifiable garden mulch...breaking down, disintegrating. The breaking open...well, that feels more like a strange new version of myself breaking out of a chrysalis. Granted, these new wings are still stuck closed to my back. I'm still forming sight. But one thing I do notice is an awful lot of light and openness surrounding me.

There are some incredible things brewing in my potential near future--things that out-do my wildest dreams. But, at the moment, I feel like I am walking the razor's edge. These words are lacking many of the details, but I am writing this here in case another artist or dreamer should stumble upon these thoughts. This is the part where I am struggling. This is the part where I'm making the transition between having a job and becoming a full-time artist. This is the part where I have no idea if the money will be there. This is the part where I am scared shitless. This is the part where I am trying to figure out how to break out of survival mode. This is the part where, if I weren't so stubborn, I would probably have considered giving up.

I am writing this in case a fellow traveler might stumble across it someday and hopefully be reminded that they are not alone. Following your dreams is scary work. The more real it gets, the more courage it takes. There's a lot at stake. I mean, let's get real. How does courage equate to paying bills? Or raising a family. Or, or, or....

I guess courage is the ability to let go of fear, to Be Brave, to keep moving in the direction that is truest, to trust that everything will fall into place.

I am writing this now so that I can go back to these words someday and see where I once was. Today I am standing in a place that feels very scary. I am also standing in a place that holds more potential than I ever imagined for myself. Or rather, I did imagine it. I put images of what I want on my vision board and in my wish box and have written about it many times here and in my journal. And now (dare I say?) it is growing well beyond the seeds I planted.

I have a lot of fear to give up. I'm writing this in my current state of uncertainty to remind myself and others why it is worth the effort.

It is a process--but one thing I know is that I want to do more than simply survive.

~