Tuesday, September 26, 2006

big fat tomato untitled.

I want to write something really wonderful and inspiring or maybe even something wonderful and heartbreaking, but I just don't have it in me.

Today drained me. It sucked. I have a headache. I'm sick of everything. And I'm tired. It was my day off, but I did anything but relax. Tonight though, after V. left for a meeting, I did, however, make a whopping bowl of fresh salsa in order to use up all the vegetables that have been sitting in a bowl threatening to lose their beauty. I was home alone. Music playing loudly. I opened up the cellophane of a fortune cookie that was hidden at the bottom of all those tomatoes, cracked it open, and was nearly in tears before I knew what hit me.

The fortune cookie read: "You will have wealth." Funny how 4 little words can evoke such a strong and unexpected response. Wealth takes many forms, money being only one of them, but damnit if a whole day's worth of stress didn't seem to tumble out of that cracked cookie and land on the counter in a pool of white formica and music.

Last time I opened up a fortune cookie, it read: "You will be doing something new at work." And the best part is that it came half-way true. But within the next week or two I'll be starting a second job working at a flower shop, doing the same thing I've done most of my life. All things considered, it's not a bad job by any means. Still, the heavy strings of dread have been following me around like a sick dog. I've been holding all this disappointment quietly inside of me while, meanwhile, carrying the weight of V's stresses, too. This is why I am tired and angry. Or maybe it has nothing to do with anything except that all the things I really want to do aren't happening or can't happen (until I finish my degree). I'm standing here with my arms and heart wide open, asking God or the universe, or empty sky: "Hey Universe, will you help me?" And then I'm very specific about my intentions, but open too. And, good god, all I feel like I'm doing is treading water or running in place, and slipping, slipping further and further away from all the things that I would rather be doing, that I want to be doing.

I've been listening to Vienna Teng's Dreaming Through the Noise every night for the past couple weeks. I listen to it over and over and over.

I've never felt so lost in my life.


*****
In other thoughts, I got an idea for another series of paintings while cutting tomatoes. (note to self: large scale portraits of normal people (or very strange people) superimposed onto conflicting/contrasting environments.) 2 months and I've barely painted a thing. Having to walk past my studio to get to the laundry room, I feel the sharp tug on a nearly daily basis. There is a part of me that feels neglected and dying.

I'd like to be an optimist, but when did everything become such a sad, ridiculous struggle?

11 comments:

bee said...

jessie,

i completely empathize. it royally sucks when you're trying to get through something, and you're being proactive and summoning all your energy towards accomplishment, and things just aren't moving. i wish i could help in some way....i hope today is better for you. much love.

beansprout said...

For me, patience has always been one of the hardest lessons to learn, knowing that waiting is sometimes the only thing required. Take good care and be well.

swampgrrl said...

hey girl...

sounds like a "dark night of the soul" kind of place that you are in. i always find it hard to sit with feelings like you describe. when i try all kinds of tricks to avoid sitting with the feelings, it gets worse.

so then i think about my nana aka great grandmother. she died when i was 12.

she would say, "this too, honey, will pass."

((( jess )))

sophie said...

Hugs Jessie:)
keep your little chin up -
I have been "lost" for months -
deeply lost - darkly lost -
for other reasons - reasons
that make all the color drain
from the sky...
and i have asked the universe
for very specific help and
hope with open intentions as well.

I feel a "revealing" unfolding -
but i am still lost - i just keep
wading through the waves...
even as we write of these
things - it is changing and
going "our way" - the way of
our beautiful hope and intentions...

but...

being patient stinks:)

smiles:)

Loralee Choate said...

Life sucks. I am no longer dellusional that life will go the way you want it to. What I am willing to accept is that it will get better...not saying to what degree or HOW, but it is the law of nature. You can't feel the way you do right now forever.

Somehow, that thought seems to make me feel better, if only a tiny bit at a time.

kj said...

jessie, recently your posts have been so up and so down. i know from my own experience this probably means an upheaval or absence of an easy "flow" and rhythm that ties one day to another in a kind of contented and simple way. it's so hard to find sometimes, and harder still to hold on to. even though it's all good, i think the move is/has been a big deal.

i believe in abundance. i know you do too. what does that look like?

Tammy said...

Sending big Tammy HUGS to find your way home :) Maybe you need to creep out of your comfort zone and try something new?

XXOO

erin said...

oh man (or oh, woman). i'm sorry you're having a tough time. i know you must be a little conflicted about returning to the flower biz. moving is hard like this - there is euphoria in the new and undiscovered, but the loss of the comforting and stable. i know things don't feel like they're moving forward, and you've lost your center. it feels this way, but it's not true. you've accomplished so much these past few months, with grace and optimism, and admire that. and your center is you, and v, and anu and your writing, and your painting, and your mug collection and, and, and... all those things that you've taken with you. i know sometimes i feel like i'm getting further and further away from my goals, but sometimes you can't take a direct route to get there. you just have to stay focused on what you want, what makes your world, and trust yourself to bring you back around. you'll get there. you're a tough cookie.

Kristine said...

My hope for you is that the initial dread about the flower shop will dissolve and you will be lead down a path that you cannot anticipate, somthing beyond your wildest dreams in the very place that you want to go... We can only see that which is before us so hang in dear friend, hang in...

bee said...

a big gooshy email is coming your way once i can see and think straight enough to write one...but check my blog entry for today and you'll get an intimation of why. hang in there, sweetie. i'm thinking of you and rooting for you.
thank you for all that you don't even know you do. you're incredibly wonderful and powerful...and i can say this with full certainty and i have never "met" you, but i know that knowing you, in even this small way, has changed my life forever.
:)

Jessie said...

dear everyone, can i just take a moment and say thank you?

thank you. no, really.