Monday, September 04, 2006

full.

Today seems like a good day to post a picture of my coffee because I got up too early. Having just returned from a long walk with wolfie down still-misty paths and wet grass, I've decided to wrap myself in a blanket and hunker down until I wake up a little more. Moonshadow, my old black cat comes in with a loud, gravel-ly voice to tell me he's thinking about spending some time with me. I love the way he feels the need to make an announcement out of it. Viscosa, the little cat, just squirms her way into wherever she wants to be--silently, determinedly. I'm surrounded by cats. Wolfie sleeps outside. She's the only thing that's missing, but she attacks the cats and has therefore been banished to be an outside dog. I miss having a dog laying on the floor next to me as I type. I miss Abe and the huffing dream noises he used to make, one paw moving across the hardwood floor as he ran along in doggie-dreamland. Actually, I miss everything about him.

There are some days when I feel a sense of impending loss...for really no reason at all. As wolfie and I walked: Every time she looks at me I tell her I love her. I realize, for the millionth time, that I don't know what I'd do without her. The idea of something ever happening sends me off on thoughts of being stranded, alone, with no dog to save me from myself or the world. But she's healthy. There's no reason for the direction my mind keeps taking. I want to go camping up north for a couple of days, just the two of us, so that she can run off of her leash. She needs a good bout of gopher hunting. I need a good bout of books. As we walk, I watch her and find myself wanting to wrap my arms around her in an attempt to memorize how good she feels--her fur, her smell, her love. But it's like trying to memorize the sky: impossible. Anyway, she's happy sniffing out the scent of a deer or another dog. She doesn't need a hug just now. She's happy with dirt and air and grass alone.

I want cold days and a fire in the fireplace. I want three dogs and three cats (all inside), another cup of coffee and a good book. I want to be surrounded by warmth and love, to fill my life up so full that it threatens to burst. But that's just it, that is what my life is right now: full to the point of bursting. It causes me to want to pull everything in just a little bit closer. I want to wrap my arms around all of it and hold on to it like this forever. But I can't. I know that. There are only moments. And maybe that's why I write: an attempt to place my life safely on paper so that nothing will be lost forever.

17 comments:

ruby said...

jessie, your posts lately have been so thoughtful, and you seem so present in your life right now -- i feel like we have so much in common based on the things that you write, and your journal is one of my favorite daily "visits."

Loralee Choate said...

I've decided that I am way too shallow to be on your blog.

:D

Jessie said...

Loralee, anyone who jumps out of a plane and then makes a movie out of it that reduces me to driveling tears is NOT too shallow for me. So there.

Mardougrrl said...

I wish I had something thoughtful to say...but I feel as though you've invited me to roam in your expansive consciousness, and into your life. So, thank you for sharing that. :)

melba said...

I'm all caught up on you and wanted to write something more than "Hi", but suddenly I feel sleepy like I am pushing myself a bit too far tonight and my body is saying stop! So I will just say goodnight and will comment on a later post.

deirdre said...

A nice way to start the day. There really is nothing quite like a big ol' dog to keep you company.

liz elayne said...

that last line...how it resonates deep within me..this whole post does in fact. how i wish i could join you on a cool day with a cup of coffee (could you teach me how to make GOOD coffee? your cup looks gorgeous. i somehow manage to make weak coffee or coffee that is so strong you could grow hair on it) and a fire in the fireplace and our good fur friends nearby.
sending you peace and light,
liz

Endment said...

Your words paint a picture of joy and contentment that must always be cherished.
Thank you for sharing these moments with us.

paris parfait said...

Gorgeous post, Jessie. I'm so happy you're in a good place where you are. But you're right, nothing lasts forever - other than on paper and in our hearts and memories. So enjoy every preciouss moment now and don't waste time worrying too much about what if?

gkgirl said...

sigh...
so content,
so full.

beautiful.

and hurrah.
i have finally figured out
my problem with why i could not
get your blog linked on mine
(and it was so in-your-face-obvious
that it is kind of funny
that it took me this long to
catch it)
:)

swampgrrl said...

yeah, i can relate.

there are moments when i cherish the fullness of life. in the next moment i deeply mourn those same things, because i know that it cannot last. because i know that it will change, despite my human attempts to freeze it all in place forever.

maybe what changes will be just as dear to you.

big bear hugs beaming over to you!

Kristine said...

What a thoughtful post. Thanks for the way in which you have shared your life with me.


P.S. I love your cup and saucer!

lia said...

love your site design! and the words are SO beautiful. they made me feel happy.

Tammy said...

Sounds heavenly :) I tell my 17yr old lab I love him every chance I get. I pray he is not in any pain at my feet each day. I would be lost too.

We are camping next weekend but Manny is too old to go. Have fun w/Wolfie.
xxoo

kj said...

jessie, you're following a classic rule for a good life: just show up.

i know how quickly i may lose what i cherish most, but these days i'm bending like a tree, letting future winds remind me that my house is intact, the fireplace works, and all the love i could ever want is right here.

for what it's worth...

tara dawn said...

What an incredible post, J! I, too, am craving the mountains and cold air and building fires. I wish desperately that I could meet you and Anu in the mountains for a couple days...just us and books and nature (and puppy lovin of course). Give Anu hugs and kisses from me when the scent of deer and dogs gets old.
Love you,
TD

sophie said...

My dog means the world to me-
she is undconditional love and
i love her silence -
the sheer feeling of
something shared - always when she
is by my side.

Lovely post!