Thursday, May 07, 2009

80 acres.

Vinny and I are going to go look at some farmland this evening.

As I write that sentence I become aware of its absurdity. Nonetheless, we are restless and curious and dreaming of a place with breathing space and enough elbow room for the dogs to run. We've been dreaming of privacy and a night sky filled with stars. We dream about things like sunsets and distant horizons. And we imagine quiet sounds replacing the constant hum of freeway traffic.

I don't know if we'll actually make the move, but I do know that both of us are ready for a change. The house sits on 80 acres (a perfect combination of woods and field) outside of a little town. The little town comes complete with a grain elevator on Main Street (you know the sort of town I'm talking about, don't you?). And all of this sits right smack dab in the middle of nowhere.

Which leads to our only hesitation: the commute. Granted, working from home makes this easier for me, but Vinny would have a long drive 5 days a week and I would still have regular photoshoots and meetings in the city. We'll see. In short, this place will have to be made of magic before we'll actually do it--but magic IS something that I believe in. I've experienced it before. And I am ready to experience it again.

I've been living in the city for the past 3 years and, to be honest, I've loved most of it. But there is a bigger part of my heart that is built out of sticks and stones, woods and sky, stars and deer... I miss these things. Lately I feel the desire to retreat into nature. My true shine desires creative space, it desires heart space. And, in the process, I want to surround myself with nature's surprises.

I want to get back to my center. I want to listen to what is whispered in the wind. I want to paint farm dogs sitting in old red trucks. I want to have horses for neighbors. I want to be inspired by the colors of fire flies or the line of a fence separating ground from sky.

I've had trust broken and ideas stolen too many times in the past several months. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of the city mentality. I'm tired of people only watching out for themselves. I'm tired of feeling like I have to constantly be protecting my heart and inspirations. When I do this I close myself off. And when I close myself off I am also closing myself off the flow of love and without the flow of love I cannot do my work because the nature of my work IS love.

Granted, moving is not going to exactly change anything. We all know that we bring ourselves where ever we go.

What can I say? The idea of life in the country returns me to a deeper part of myself. Almost 4 years ago I sold my place up north. It was made up of open sky and woods and magic. The only place I loved as much was a little village high in the Himalayas of India. I will never be able to replace either of those experiences. But I do think I am ready to bring deep connection back into my life--however that decides to manifest itself.



Rowena said...

That is a stunning photo. I understand your yearning for the country. I yearn too, but I think I am afraid to leave the city, which has been my home for most of my life.

I've been thinking about freedom lately, though, and the boxes we put ourselves into, initially to keep ourselves safe. I think the boxes turn into a trap if we don't reevaluate them when the need for safety has passed. There's such a thing as too safe, right?

I don't know what exactly I'm saying right now, it just came to me as I read your post.

bella said...

Oh, I wish it will happen for you and V.
That's the thing, the commute to work could be a big "B". Who knows? All that matters is that you're dreaming about it, which makes the whole thing a possibility.

Mary, Olive's mommy said...

I hope your little farm has a little guest room :-)

daisies said...

i yearn to move to the country too but then i love the city so much so am always torn and then the reality is i can only just handle the little plot of land that i have as it is and i love that i am just a short walk to the river valley which is like being out in the country .... and i breathe in and smile.

i think you should follow your heart wherever it leads you because that is where you are meant to be :-)

much love, xo

Samosas for One said...

Come on over to my blog and see my birthday wish!

kj said...

oooooh jessie.

soft friends protect you and hard friends teach you to protect yourself. you and i have both learned a lot this year.

you'll find the space you seek. i know you will.


martie said...

How exciting for you! I too longed to get away from noise and people. Last year I moved to my "farm" - almost 40 acres in the middle of nowhere. I have a neighbor across the gravel road but no one else for a long way. I love it here - the trees whisper stories, the air carries the smell of fresh and watching the Earth come back to life after the winter is magic. There's a couple of towns about 15 minutes away, and larger ones an hour+. I hope there is magic for you this weekend.