Friday, March 27, 2009

just cuz...

Fuck it. I've decided to take a few hours off from paintings and work-related endeavors to fill my senses with inspiration. I find myself in need of some serious re-fueling. I wore myself inside out in preparation for this last show and, in the process, have landed myself in a pretty deep funk. Funks are to be expected after coming to the end of a major endeavor, but my wiser self has let me know all too clearly that, this time, I took it just a little too far.

Through Etsy I have recently made some incredibly wonderful new connections. One of them, Rebekah, is in the process of opening up a hand-made retail boutique here in Minneapolis. I love her willingness to allow her creative dreams to "ride shotgun instead of in the trunk."

Then there's C., the woman who recently commissioned me to create the words: "A beautiful ripple effect." As if those words aren't beautiful turns out that she is a living example of them. This year she is celebrating the 10th anniversary of CCC, a non-profit organization for young adult cancer survivors that she started when she was 14 years old! She reminds me that we are capable of anything we set our hearts to.

I've been feeling so wrapped up in paint brushes and to-do lists I think I sort of forgot that I exist in a world that stretches beyond my immidiate vision. Then I met Pey. Pey is as cool as her name sounds. Not to mention, her thought process is invigorating. She has two Etsys: Folk Art Vision and Peylu. We've been "convo-ing" back and forth with each other on Etsy the past couple weeks and, I swear, she's directly responsible for helping to get inspiration flowing in my veins once again.

Today I received a piece made by Pey and I can't wait to tack it up on my studio wall. Did I mention that I am in the process of revamping my office and am turning it into a fully functioning studio? Yes, it's time to leave the basement--for real this time. Pey's beautiful little creation will remind me to listen to my intuition a little bit better from now on. Our heart always knows what's best for us--always.

Anyway, I like the way Pey sees the world and I like the way she thinks. I made an excuse not to do something fun because of my long to-do list and, after telling her about it, she responeded with this:

"I have stuff from my last week's to do list still, I just carry over everyday...... that list isn't getting shorter....

Have to tell you this, I met a 9 year old rottie as Ted and I were coming back from the Park this morning, he was in really rough shape physically, the young girl, A., just rescued him 6 months ago and has already spent about 4 grand on vet bills. We sat and talked at the bottom of my front porch steps with Zen the dog. He was in a lot of pain. I got him some raw chicken necks, frozen liver and a slew of holistic remedies........ I also fed him an egg, was giving Ted one so had to be fair, showed A. how to give him pills with peanut butter. Zen gobbled down everything nicely including the pills and the homemade cookies. I hope his stomach can tolerate all the new food. A. is a dance teacher and hardly makes any money but she went ahead and adopted this old dog, how courageous. I wish I had my old design job or selling like crazy on Etsy so I can write her a huge check to help out.
I was really sad watching Zen limping away, of course, after all the treats, he didn't want to go..... so the moral of the story is, have fun when you can so we can balance out the not so fun moments in life." P.

This little note is what inspired me to say fuck it and take a lil' break tonight. A break is what I need. Writing this here, even if it is gibberish, is what I need. The past 2 months of my life have worn me inside out. Lately, I find myself asking the question: "If I could run away and do anything I want, what would I do?"

My answers go something like this:
  • I'd sit down somewhere, drink tea, and read.
  • I'd go to India to paint dogs, people, and random objects (and drink tea and read books).
  • I'd hop in the car and head for the great wide open and mountains of Montana.
  • I'd do what I do, but with more fun thrown in the middle.
  • I'd finish this studio and paint still-lives of tennis balls.
  • I'd go swimming.
  • I'd hang out with horses.
  • I'd join a band (not really, I just want to play an electric guitar like a rockstar).
  • I'd make random art in random places.
  • I'd go out to eat and enjoy something I've never tried before.
  • I'd play with my camera until I learned how to use it.
  • I'd hop on a freight train.
  • I'd go visit my friends in far-away places.

And so the next question is: "What can I do to make any one of those things happen?" The best part is that, given even just small amounts of action, none of it is as impossible as it seems. Long to-do list, or not.

Anyway, it was good sitting down to write. Dear blog, thanks for still being here. It feels good to have inspiring friends--new and old.

Be brave, be real, be nice to yourself.
lots of love,



Carolyn said...

Thank you so much for mentioning me on your blog. That was really sweet of you :). I think everyone is in overdrive right now. You should read my blog post from Monday? It was all about this yucky feeling -- right after you've been working like crazy. It's the story of my life!

Pey's work is gorgeous -- thank you for sharing!! And to-do lists -- I think I'm the queen. I actually took a picture earlier today of all of them. I was going crazy just looking at them so I decided that they needed to go into a neat little pile and sit somewhere other than my desk! I feel so much calmer with all the open space. Yes the lists still exist and need to get done -- but they'll have to wait until tomorrow :).

donna said...

Well. drinking tea and reading sounds pretty doable, at least. ;^)

Recharge your batteries, kiddo. You deserve it!

Me, I just got home from an awesome week in San Francisco. Wow, was that fun! Back to the political, economic, and social battles I spend my time fighting...

pey said...

Brava, my dear, thanks for the inclusion and sharing....
Sometimes all we need is a little bit of blind faith and trust!

Rowena said...

I'm glad you're taking a rest. It's so hard to find that balance between a work you're passionate about and living.

I'm trying, but I still find myself either working too much or not enough.

But then, I've learned things about balance otherwise. There is no static balance, it's always changing and mutating and that might BE the balance. Balance in motion, in action. A little too busy a little too lazy, A little too much work, a little too much play, like a dance.

I'm intending to find a good routine as a working artist and mom who still has time to just live. It's really hard.

Will I look back on this period as a lovely time of productivity and grapefruit trees? Will you look back on this time as a time of giving and painting? Is this "success?"

Barbara said...

'...paint still lifes of tennis balls' ... I love it:) I lvoe the photo of the horse and dog ... I love the paintings you've done ... and am glad you're baaaaaack :)

kj said...

dear self: try replacing "goals" with "preferences." it's a softer way to move. and take a break right now. replenish first.

your thoughts remind me of a saying that stays in my head:

'given what is, what am i to do?"

since i officially love you, i would like to know you are being extremely generous with yourself, for a while.


Annie said...

Jessie, it is so wonderful that you are now painting full time, but the pushing too hard thing is something that you have to balance out, I am glad you are finally taking care of yourself. Think about it like this, if you were working for someone else wouldn't you ask for breaks? Enjoy this time for you.

Samosas for One said...

I want to play drums. Maybe we could form a band.

Lance said...

Good for you, doing what feels right at the moment. I wonder how often I don't do that - how often I don't fully listen to my heart? So - thank you...

megg said...

Dude, can I be in your band?



...just thought I'd remind you!


kj said...

jessie, can you meet me for coffee?
oh shit! i forgot i'm not there!

Samosas for One said...

Jessie: Are you coming to NYC in May for my birthday party?! :) I'm giving you advance notice. I haven't even sent out the evite yet.

Yoli said...

Hey that band idea does sound pretty good!

Amber said...

Blog: "Dear Jessie, thank YOU for bringing me to life, and allowing me to help you put your beautiful energy out into the world."


gkgirl said...

i love love love the list..
especially the still lives of
tennis balls...
you are adorable.


Karen Smithey said...

Okay, I have to post a comment before I even finish reading this post. I haven't been visiting blogs much lately, thought I'd do some today, as a reward--I'm clicking on your link, thinking, "Jessie always is so inspiring, can't wait to see what she's up to," and the first words I see are...

"Fuck it."

Well! Inspiring is maybe not the right word, but you may have hit the nail on the head! LOL.

Off to finish reading!

andrea said...

oh i love your list!
so much fun to be had...
it's lovely to meet you jessie :)

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