Thursday, December 27, 2007

persist, dear sister.

Remember the wish box? Well, the last wish I added to it was to finish my thesis by December 31st. Last time I checked that only gives me 4 days left to work on it. I've been fluctuating somewhere between absolute glee and despair. I realize that most of you are probably wondering what the hell is taking me so long to reach the finish line. I often wonder the same thing myself. These past couple of weeks I have entirely let myself off the thesis-hook. I mean, for god's sake, I had enough going on without trying to slog my way through the last anxiety-ridden pages of my thesis. I let myself off the hook for the sake of mental health and, I admit: I am glad that I did.

I should mention that I am taking my wish box seriously. Very seriously. I've dragged this thesis along with me into eternity, but I am sooooooooo NOT willing to carry it with me into the next year. Granted, I'll still have to do some minor editing, formatting, and then DEFEND it...but for some reason, the biggest hurdle seems to be just getting it OUT of my hands and INTO my adviser's hands.

These days I feel a little bit like I did the night before my senior show in art. I was putting the final touches on my last painting when my brain completely melted. It turned out to be one of my best paintings, but my god, at the moment I couldn't tell what it was! It was late at night, I was the only one left in the studio, and there was almost no one left in the department. By some stroke of luck I found the art history professor holed up in his office and made him come down to the studio to do an impromptu critique with me. I honestly could no longer see my work for what it was. Yes, folks, total brain melt. Ok, I haven't quite reached that stage with my thesis, but I feel the brain melt starting to sneak up on me, especially during particular desperate moments like last night (after having worked on my thesis for most of the day). I'm scared that it's all shit. But here's the deal: I WILL NOT GIVE UP!!!

Holy crap, I can't wait to finish this thing. Because when I do, you know what's gonna happen?


Well, that's my firm belief anyway. Blah, blah, blah...but for now I am barely surviving. Funny how barely surviving can feel so heavy and full I can't even explain it.

In other news...I did not make the news. Damn. After a second interview I was told that I would be quoted saying: "Jessie (last name goes here), a writer, dreams of training dogs." Or something to that effect. Lame? Yes. But, hell, it's the New York Times!!! I was willing to take what I could get!

It seems I got edited out. And instead of mentioning my fantabulous quote the article instead said something like: "Finding a dog owner nursing daydreams of becoming a trainer has become about as difficult as finding a waiter with a headshot."


And so today I have been licking my NYT wounds and plugging away at my everlasting thesis. But there's one thing you should know about me:

I never give up.

And, yes, you can quote me on that.


Leah said...

you go girl. i'm cheering you on in your quest to finish the thesis!! xoxo you can do it!

Loralee Choate said...

You can do it. I totally have faith in you.

My dad was quoted in the times this last year (He was an editor of one of the major papers in Salt Lake for forever)

He's in the last paragraph...He used the word "Ersatz". Not surprising, if you know him...

megg said...

You can do it!
You can do it!
Rah! Rah! Rah!
You can do it!
You can do it!

(I'm doing cartwheels and flinging pompoms around for you in my head!)


kick ass and hold the brain melt until Jan. 1!!


martha said...

Hey Jesse, you can count me amongst your cheerleaders. You do not have to have a meltdown!! I have experienced post project depression in my life-like the project is the glue that holds me together.
You will have another huge thing or fifty in your life-houses babies jobs dogs cars are some that come to mind-congrats on survivng the mine field of the holidaze traveling from one family limb to another.
if you do have a melt down, we will be here:)

Vedrana M. said...

yes, you can do ti :) hugs!

Anonymous said...

I believe that you can do it! You rock my friend! xo
(Bella, who cannot log into Blogger?)

Anonymous said...

When you think you can't do it, just look back on your life and see all the mountains you've already climbed and all the dragons you've slayed.
And hey girl, it's still the NYT. Who cares what they's the New York Times!!!!

Kikipotamus said...

As for the's their loss. HA! Can't wait to toast the new year with the thesis behind you. Wheeee!

Amber said...

You can do it!! Keep chugging along!