I can't seem to get my act together these days. Or, rather, no matter how together my act is, I can't seem to catch up with myself. I suppose this is true for a lot of us these days. The holidays are busy for everyone.
One thing that I've neglected to write about here on my blog is that my dad is getting remarried next weekend. Next weekend? Wow. I haven't written about it here because I'm quite certain that the internet isn't exactly the space in which to untangle my thoughts on the topic. Needless to say, I haven't really given myself the time that I should to think about it at all. I'm not one to evade my emotions, but when it comes to my relationship with my dad, I'm not even really sure where to start...but, like I said, I just don't feel up to trying to figure it out in front of an audience. You know what I mean?
Anyway, there's this huge event looming ahead and all I know is that I feel like an alien visiting a foreign country--a stranger in a strange land.
I've been absent from my blog these days because I can't seem to write because of this vast and frustrating inability to make sense of anything. I get home from work and running errands and doing the zillion things that need to get done and there's just nothing left of me. Half the things running around in my head aren't exactly blog-friendly (work and family). I try to write in my journal and I think I'd be better off, not writing, but scribbling...which is what I sometimes end up doing.
This is all starting to sound horribly depressing, isn't it. Well, it's not all bad. I mean, my relationship with my dad is mending. I love my dogs. And the sky, lately, has contained a lot of blue. But I'll tell you: I miss long walks. I miss sitting down to correspond with my friends. I miss my paints and words and time to think. I miss those little moments that used to exist in so much abundance--because, these days, I've been barely swimming from one day to the next. Existing, but only on the surface.
Things will get easier, I know they will; but the question is: when?