Tuesday, June 12, 2007

coffee brain

My brain feels scattered. I drank too much coffee and I feel nervous. I accidentally went to work 2 hours early because I was thinking of next week's schedule. Anu got attacked by a raccoon in the back yard last night and got bit on the nose several times. She isn't current on her rabies shots because she wasn't feeling well a few weeks ago when we brought her to the vet. She seems fine, a little rattled, but fine. Still, I'm worried. Louie is oblivious to everything and is asleep at my feet. He's just happy that I came back home so unexpectedly.

I'm also nervous that my hours are going to be cut at the garden shop now that the busy season is coming to an end. Maybe they won't--but, like I said, I drank too much coffee and I'm nervous...about everything. I paid my bills this morning and that always makes me nervous. One thing that I am learning about myself is that I am fearful of money. I am afraid of not having enough. I'm afraid of having too much. Money makes me feel disoriented. Yet, these days, I feel the need to think about it and to find ways to improve not only my relationship with money, but to find new ways of bringing it into my life in a healthy way--through endeavors that make me happy. I'm only writing because it feels good to write. It's therapeutic. It calms me. Maybe it's not the coffee...maybe it is a lot of things.

Really, what it comes down to is that I need to take a few deep breathes and return to center. There are incredible opportunities opening up for me, but in order for them to materialize I need to believe in myself--truly believe. Not only do I need to believe in myself, I need to start taking action.

I read a post today by Jamie about "leaning into it." And that's what I need to do. I need to devise a plan of attack and then I need to just lean into it and see where it takes me. I have a vision....and it is very specific. The only thing I am not sure of is how I will get there. These days, I feel like I am working on a very deep level. It is hard to explain. I am shifting molecules within myself, within the universe. It requires a lot of periphery thinking. It requires a lot of oxygen and sunlight, journaling and art making.

I attempt to move confidently forward with my heart wide open. It is scary and thrilling all at the same time. I feel vulnerable to the elements of life--yet I am focused on perseverance. This feeling...it reminds me of biking day after day cross-country against winds so high that, at times, it was difficult to stay upright. I focused on the road just beyond my front tire and, in this way, moved forward, a thousand miles. It reminds me of the day I crossed Thorung La Pass high in the the Himalayas--step by step, one foot in front of the other. It was a slow ascent, but with each step I felt myself travel deeper towards my center.

These days I am climbing another kind of mountain; I'm crossing another kind of country. Giving up is not part of the repertoire, but moving forward requires a great deal of postive focus...not to mention, large doses of faith.


deirdre said...

I hope Anu is okay. That's pretty scary.

So much has changed in your life in the past year, no wonder you feel like it's at a molecular level.

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Jessie...don't feel alone in that. Money throws me off kilter too. I don't pay the bills, I just make sure there's money in the accounts to pay them. I don't even like talking about money.

I hope Anu is feeling fine. A raccon in the back yard? Is that usual. There was a possom that used to get in the trash bin and it was unusual here so close to the city. He was big fat possom too.

Jessie, I would love to one day read your memoir if ever you post them or publish them. You seem so fearless. Ciao babes.

Melba said...

I get coffee brain too.
and we have raccoons eating our garbage everyday.
Connections in the weirdest ways!

You also have my love and energy as you shift into the life you are meant to life Fully!


Amber said...

((Anu)) mean old racs!

" One thing that I am learning about myself is that I am fearful of money. I am afraid of not having enough. I'm afraid of having too much. Money makes me feel disoriented. " -- OMG! I KNOW!! I am the same way. It is an issue that i have come to realize in the past year or so, and try to heal in myself.

Really, this whole post rings true to me right now. ;) Thanks for your thoughts before. I was freaking OUT.



krista said...

Hey, know that I'm holding faith for you too- I think you are fabulous.

Anonymous said...

Money scares me too. Maybe because I've never had much, I don't know. I find my financial situation very intimidating whether it's improving or not.
And...there is no such thing as too much coffee. lol

Kristine said...

I can relate so much to this post. I can't even verbalize how it resonates with me...