Friday, February 06, 2009

DESIRE--6 little letters to fuel your inner fire


I want my world to open up. I want my life to include more. How is that even possible? All I know is that I have an insatiable desire to grow and learn and experience this existence to its absolute fullest.

Lately, I've been spending time hanging out with The Pioneer Woman--on her website, that is. After voicing a desire to start painting and spending time with horses, the wonderful Amber sent me there. Now I can't seem to pull myself away.

This morning I've been hanging out with all the horses. As I scrolled through one incredible photograph after another, I imagined myself standing in the middle of wild openness surrounded by the movement of horses and dogs. That's when it happened. Up came the sting of tears that tells me when I'm in the middle of something real and important. It probably sounds strange, but when I find a string of inner truth that pulls in the direction of my physical body reacts the same way every time: with tears. It's weird and amazing and I am grateful for this ever-consistent nod from the universe that says: "YES. This is it. Follow it."

These days I have been painting a lot. I wish I could find the words to describe what happens in the act of painting animals--specifically, right now, a dog named Roxy. I am pulled deeply into the center of myself. It makes my skin feel thin. The layers between myself and something that I cannot explain seem to disappear. In short, I feel connected. But the feeling is more ethereal than that. Words fail to describe whatever it is that happens.

When I paint, my desires become clear. I can feel them from the inside out and when this happens the creation of those desires begin to take form. It is the beginning, the knitting together of a new reality--even when I don't yet understand what or how or why, there is something in the center of it that I know and feel my soul being pulled towards.

These days I feel a bit like a caterpillar in chrysalis. I don't know that I'll emerge as a butterfly, but I do know that a transformation is in process. Leaving the partnership and studio knocked me off track...but in a strangely good way.

This past year I have spent a lot of time pushing to get my dream off the ground. I pushed my work, my self, my abilities, my levels of bravery, motivation, and determination. I pushed myself physically, mentally, spiritually, and creatively. Over and over again, I nudged myself well beyond what I thought I was capable of--and, in the process, I have built something out of nothing.

But right now I don't want to push. Right now I just want to give myself over to the work at hand. I want to dive into it deeply--and I want to dream. But please note, this dream space is by no means a passive environment. It is fueled by something akin to fire. The caterpillar cloisters itself in the chrysalis because every last ounce of its energy goes into the manifestation of desire, into the creative/creation process of transformation. My chrysalis is made of paintings.

And, in this process, I am finding what has been waiting for me all along...

These letters are part of an ongoing project:
"WORD OF THE DAY :: living life one word at a time."
Today's word is DESIRE. Live your desire. Be your passion.
See more letters and words at my Patch of Sky Etsy shop, here.



Michelle said...

"Live your desire."
"Be your passion"

Wow. I read those tiny words at the bottom of your post several times. It has occurred to me, that while I can't live my dream 'full-time' so to speak, I can follow my heart's desire, and BE my passion every day!

Anonymous said...


Barbara said...

Ohhh, wow. I think horses are enchanting animals. I have a picture on my desk of the most beautiful horse looking over the shoulder of Neda Demayo, the founder of Return to Freedom, who rescues wild mustangs. (I cut the pic from a catalog:)

When it comes to DESIRE, I think that when we live it we save ourselves from a DESERT.

Annie said...

Jessie, I get the same tears when something is true, or right for me, I thought I was the only one :-). And 30 commissions! Wow, you are busy and that is wonderful!

Amber said...

What a fantastic post, Jess. SO full of insight. I love.

When you speak of tears telling you when you are "on to something"...It is the same for me sometimes. I grew up in churches (catholic and charismatic both) that held the belief that tears were a "gift" ot the Spirit. An actual comunication with the Holy Spirit, as if it was a sign of It's pressence breaking down our human gaurd. Spirit speaking to spirit.

I believe this is true.


Rowena said...

I'm sending you good energy to help you follow your desire.

Keep on flying.