Today I am wishing for new space. A space that is free of clutter. I was imagining this in my mind perfectly just a moment ago. But the second I started to type it went away. Too bad...I was completely inhabited by these musings. There were lots of windows, a book shelf, an old wooden table to write at, paintings stacked up against each other here and there. But no clutter. It was wonderful. I was writing on clean white paper with a pencil. A whole world perfectly placed. And me sitting perfectly in my mind--not outside it like I am now. But now I am typing and wish I had the energy to show you that space with words... instead you get this... the slop; the left-overs; the oozing, formless goo; the clutter.
I dream of a life without clutter, of a life that I can inhabit fully. To write, to paint... completely...without having to stretch myself so ridiculously thin. To give myself over, as R. and I talked about at last night's "meeting"-- to give myself over 100%.
Earlier today I took the dogs for a walk. Finally, a long one. If it weren't for the sun, the absolute blueness of sky, the large snowflakes laying lightly on the ground reflecting so many dazzled colors... if it weren't for these things I would have been sad. Because one day the loggers came and two days later several hundred acres of trees were gone. I could hear them still working somewhere in the distance, their whine of machinery moving like an invisible vapor through the air. I walked down the trail that used to be forest; the type of forest that encloses you, wraps its arms around you. But today it was just snow and sun. No longer any trees to cast shadows. Just a warm sun and Anu, the wolfie, looking as beautiful as ever as she ran back and forth down the trail. I love watching her run. I love seeing her in her natural environment. She is something else. Beautiful. And Abe, always at my side. Barking. Barking because the three of us were happy. Completely happy. And because of the sun, a new space, leaving me not so sad of what is gone.