Tuesday, March 20, 2007

fuglies.

Today I have the fuglies. Otherwise known as the weepies...but fugly describes the feeling a bit better. I made myself open all the blinds in the house even though it is little more than grey out there. It is the sort of day that I would prefer to keep them closed because sometimes it feels good to hide out--neighbors and dog-walkers unable to look into open window as they go by. Anyway, the soft yellow light shed by lamps is so much more comforting than the steel colored skies outside. But when I have the fuglies, I know that it isn't wise to leave the blinds drawn shut. Like the plants, I need light--however filtered and cold it might be.

After a strong cup of coffee and a dose of morning pages, I took Anu for an extra long walk in the woods. The trails are all slick ice and silence. Anu snuffles along with her nose in the snow with extreme intentness on getting to the bottom of each and every scent. She forgets that she is on a leash and I have to repeatedly remind her: "Anu, no pulling!" Two seconds later I am again being pulled dangerously fast across a patch of ice. This time it is because she herself can't slow down on the ice. When she finally comes to a stop, she turns in my direction with a look of apologetic concern in her eyes until I've safely joined her at the bottom of the hill.

That dog keeps me afloat on even the fugliest of days. And, I swear, she knows how to smile. She also knows how to make me smile.

After walking, I've spent the rest of the morning curled up at the end of the couch reading through essays and trying to organize my thoughts. I read out loud because, for some reason, hearing my own voice keeps me from drifting so quickly into self-doubt. I no longer trust my own words on the page--but, for some reason, when I read them out loud I am able to once-remove them from myself. My inner-critic finds it harder to get a word in edgewise.

I find myself wishing that I could be like the main character, Herald Crick, in the movie Stranger than Fiction. He is able to solve complex mathematical equations by visualizing the answers outside of himself, in the air, written as though on an invisible scratch-pad. The only thing that gets in his way is an irritating voice that is narrating his own ill-fated life--the voice that he can't turn off. I could do without the incessant narration (I am my own worst narrator), but what I desire of Herald Crick's talents, is the ability to visualize a problem to its end: the solution.

Something tells me that there is a very easy answer to the structure my thesis should take, but I am still struggling to find it. I pick things apart and put them back together, in different ways, over and over. But, so far, the puzzle pieces I am working with have not offered the right fit--not yet, anyway. These days, I lack Herald Crick's talent for visualization.

Hence, the fuglies.

12:30. It is lunchtime. I will continue fighting off this feeling. First with a shower. And then with a bowl of soup. Anyway, I have to go to work soon. The fuglies need to fuck off.

15 comments:

melba said...

I wish I could offer you a solution.

I will offer you my thoughts of love and support.

I also find gray days need some color. like in clothes or food or paint. something.

thinking of you*****

XO,
melba

Leah said...

damn fuglies!!

i love anu.

the solution will come. it's already in you.

xoxox

bella said...

Definitely! I feel like sending you a big piece of chocolate cake.
Hope the fuglies go away!

daisies said...

hope the fuglies fly away soon :)

i watched stranger than fiction on the weekend and so loved it ...

bee said...

didn't you love it? i loved it. sooooo much.

i'm glad anu made you smile.

i'll call you late tonight when i get home - the fuglies need to fuck off for me, too.

Kristine said...

We sound like we are both on the same page. Instead of a "to do" list, I made a while I am waiting list because so much of my life is on hold. I have managed to get a shower and get dressed although I am wearing all black (depicting my mood). It's grey here too.

Laura said...

Oh our four leggeds friends have a way with us sometime don't they.

I was so intently in to a piece of collage and the idea is there and a series too. but I know that I need to walk away and walk with it sometimes. And will I was packing for a workshop I teach this weekend I looked at it and just felt good that I came that far and the rest will come together it always does. A Very good old friend of mine calls things like this that happen to us Trust Walks. You just have to trust that it will work out.
~v~

The Dream said...

Fuglies SUCK!
I love reading your description of walking your pooch. Same deal with Sunny - no matter what The Dog Whisperer recommends, he is just not a polite walker. Thank goodness for the invisible fence so we can play massive amounts of freebo!
It's always such a treat to visit your blog, Jessie.

d. chedwick bryant said...

even tho it was a bit sad, this post was really really interesting. I try to take photos or draw or something when I get the fugs.

Mardougrrl said...

I love you. Will call tomorrow.

xoxo,
M

gkgirl said...

heres to hoping the fuglies
melt away very soon!
:)

Spiky Zora Jones said...

Hey Jessie, you know what's worse than the fuglies? Being at work with the fuglies though it's cloudy and grey outside I want to be out there capturing it in water colors and thinned acrylics.

I want to make up with my girl, we had a little fight and I feel badly about it though I know it will all fix itself...it still sucks the big one.

Wish I could offer you some of the sunshine we had last week...it was in the eighties. It was shorts sandles, summerhat and sunglasses. It was fabulous. I am so with you babes...The uglies need to fuck off big time.

Bohemian Mom said...

Sending anti-fugly vibes your way~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

acumamakiki said...

yes, the fuglies can fuck righ off. first in your neighborhood and then in mine!

Olivia said...

Jessie, I identified with your description of the fuglies!

I loved Stranger Than Fiction---I watched it yesterday. What a great movie. I especially liked the special features that explained the GUI's that appeared around Harold to describe his mental processes. It is a beautiful and complex movie. I ordered too on Amazon, because I want to watch it over and over. I don't have many movies, but this one is a keeper.