Monday, January 16, 2006

I've been away from my blog...

...because I've been doing a lot of thinking in my head and writing in my paper journal. And these past few days I've come to a few important realizations. 1) I've been looking for validation in what I write or do or say much too much too often. 2) I feel more real in cyberworld than I do in the real world 3) I've been holding myself back in almost every aspect of my life: friendship, marriage, sex, writing, art, teaching, personal fulfillment, spirituality, which leads to...4) a boat load of self-censorship, which leads to the fact that... 5) I'm bored out of my fu*ki*ng mind!!!

I feel myself shutting down, a listless depression seeping in the cracks. I also feel myself waking up to the realization that something's gotta change. Perhaps easier said than done, but my sister said something to me this weekend that made the air vibrate around me. She said, "Yeah, I think it's time for you to move on." Those words bounced off me a few times before sinking in, but...

I think she's right.

3 comments:

tara dawn said...

My empathy is with you...in part because I can relate far too well on some of the points you made. But how difficult it can be to move on, to move forward, when we are not even sure what precisely it is that we are moving from.

Wenda said...

Bored, but not boring.

I think the idea of there being a time for moving on suggests that only the visible and tangible gets credit. Aren't we aren't always moving on beneath the surface where most of the healing and growth is steadily transforming us even in the dark?

Jessie said...

Tara and Wenda--you two are wonderful. Thank you for your insights. You've given me some nutritious food for thought.