Thursday, November 06, 2008

Soul Coaching: Day 5 (a late start)

It is raining today. As I stood outside with the dogs I simply let the morning air wrap itself around me. There is both warmth and coolness in the air. The raindrops, falling in random increments, land on my face and arms in sharp bursts of sensation. Those parts of my skin that receive the raindrop wake up with a shock. I breathe in and I breathe out. The air is heavy and crisp all at once--such strange weather for the month of November--and yet it feels welcome. The air is somewhere "in between." Like me, it is in the process of change. It is volatile and comforting, beautiful and dreary--everything all at once.

Today is Day 5 of Soul Coaching. My life got haphazard for awhile and it seems that I almost missed the boat. Even so, I find it important to start now. On Monday I also began an important journey by starting one-on-one coaching with Jamie. She amazes me. Monday night I hung my show. On Tuesday I said something near devastating to one of my best friends in the world. I didn't mean for it to be received that way, but it was...and, in the process, a whole lot of stuff came up for me--and for her, too. The worst part is that it almost ruined everything. The veil between my old self and the person I am stretching to become feels very thin these days. There is a huge amount of growth happening and I am astounded by how painful and uncomfortable it is. As gross as it sounds, I feel like I'm being birthed. I'm being pummeled, beaten up, shaken upside down. My insides have turned into thick, malleable clay--but stickier, oozier, less manageable. I cry and I say mean things to myself. I go for long walks, eat junk food, and snuggle in bed with a book trying to bring comfort to myself. I could (and really should) live without the junk food.

Anyway, these are some of the reasons that I feel like it's so important that I begin Soul Coaching now, even if I'm a little late. I like it that Denise Linn says at the beginning of the book that we should not expect to do this perfectly. Right now I think I need to give myself a little room for mistake making. I will go back and incorporate the first 4 days into what remains of this week.

Week 1 is focused on the element of Air. This is the part where we get rid of our clutter. Clean out the old to make room for the new. I don't need to look around me to know how badly this needs to be done. My house has become incredibly cluttered. My lack of time and interest in this house reflects itself in my surroundings. It is almost too much for me to face--but I like the way Linn breaks it down, room by room. I can't face my whole house (my whole life) all at once. But I can tackle the linen closet. The big closet outside the bathroom that we just threw things in when we moved here two years ago. The closet whose chaos has only grown over time, becoming so cluttered that there is almost no room for the bath towels it is meant to hold. Tomorrow maybe I'll tackle my drawing table that has been lost under 2 feet of mostly important papers.

Ok, so my life feels messy right now. It feels very, very messy. Not just on the outside, but inside, too. Well, especially on the inside. It's not really about the linen closet. It's not really about the drawing table or mountain of papers.

Something important is happening right now. I feel another shift taking place. I don't understand what it is yet--but someday I do not doubt that it will make sense. I don't mean to burst any bubbles, but living your passion is not a free ticket to easy living. If anything, it amplifies every possible emotion. There is a part of me that is very thankful for the place I'm at--no matter how painful it might feel right now.

Today I will sit with Linn's words from Day 4: "you are not your identity. who you are is so much more magnificent, remarkable, and eternal." I am nothing more than November air--and yet I'm not even that, I'm more.


**image credits: The Sietch Blog



megg said...

Ooh, how could I have missed that quote when I read the day this morning. It's perfect! I am going to write it down and use it as an affirmation!

I'm sorry to hear that things have been difficult and a bit raw this week, but I am glad to hear that you are coaching with Jamie and that you are still - despite the hard and the clutter and the raw - happy to be where you are. I am so proud of you!

How did your show go???

Melba said...

I am so glad you shared this part

"I don't mean to burst any bubbles, but living your passion is not a free ticket to easy living. If anything, it amplifies every possible emotion."

At times I have felt that if only I did a b and c then everything will be perfect1 Even though i have always known that is an illusion...a lie we tell is necessary to hear the truth for us, for me to remember.

thank you!

I am here for you!

Genie Sea said...

They don't call them growing pains for nothing! :)

Welcome to our journey! You are not late. This is a train with a million stops, and we are all on it together! I am so honored to be on the journey with you! :)

Leila Anasazi said...

Not too long ago I tackled my linen closet. I was conflicted about spending any time on this, it seemed so mundane with so much more "important" areas to clean, but I was also aware of how much energy, how much frustration, I expended in trying to put away my clean sheets and towels onto those *!#%! over-stuffed shelves.

I'm still so happy about spending all that time, eliminating some unused things and organizing the shelves.

Congrats on picking an area of the home whose neglect can easily be ignored, but all the while it sits there, a quiet energy-suck.

Fresh!!! Going forward.

Gemma said...

You are here now!
So it's right on time for you I think!!!!

Kavindra said...

Late schmate! A coaching session with Jamie probably put you so far ahead we can barely see you. Love the picture and looking forward to seeing how your journey goes.

peppylady said...

Welcome to soul coaching.

Jamie said...

I am so glad you're here. Whenever you arrive, it's exactly the right time.

It is no wonder the Be Brave project came from your spirit, Jessie. You are bravery.

There's lots of love and gentleness in the Soul Coaching group. May it be what you need it to be for this part of your incredible journey.

Leah said...

sending you loads of love and hugs my dear. xoxox i loved that quote from the book and have it underlined and starred. :-)

i'm with you on the feeling of messiness, but it feels great to take it bit by bit.


if you need someone to listen, i'm here!

Samosas for One said...

Your words are beautiful. I hope that writing them brought you some relief.

Sacred Suzie said...

I appreciate your intense and riveting honesty that living your dream isn't easy. It isn't a cakewalk. We think it will be, don't we? I hope that the coaching with Jamie helps and that the rawness like the weather will pass in time. Water week is a tough one though but we will support each other.

What is it about closets?! It was very liberating to go through mine. I suppose it's because that's where we hide the stuff we don't think we'll need. It's a space of the stuff that wants to be let go of and yet we store it away.

donna said...

The new self has to absorb the old self and come to terms with it. When you love everything about yourself, life gets a lot less messy. ;^)