little bits and pieces gathering to make the whole...

Today is the 8th day of bravery. Already 8 days? The first week was especially intense--tense muscles, restless sleep, tight jaw--it was truly, truly intense. Mostly I think it was the realization that, holy shit, things might actually CHANGE! I mean, I've been wanting change for a long, long time, but wanting it and making it happen are two completely different things now, aren't they.

I will say, however, that I think I really needed the break I took last night to celebrate with Vinny. I've been pushing myself forward every day and feeling wonderful about all of it. Last night the world looked different to me. I mean, in a really big way I felt like a whole new person, as though, if I really, really wanted to, I could make ANYTHING happen just be doing it. Everything felt slightly surreal and... possible!

Maybe it was all the rain and the unseasonably tropical weather or last night's champagne or..., but today felt softer in comparison to all the other days of this project. I felt more grateful, more beautiful, more generous, more voluptuous, more grounded, more blessed, more earthy, more sacred, more of everything. But today the notion settled in that it is not just about taking the first step. It's also about following through.

One of the biggest reasons for starting this project is that I really, really want a house of our own. I want to be able to paint the walls all the wild, saturated colors of the rainbow. I want to create gardens. I want to hang a hundred pieces of art on the walls. I want to do a lot of things that you just can't do in a place that you rent. Most especially, I want to grow roots. Beyond that, there are many layers and intricacies underlying my desire to move on.

What if we all did one thing every day that scares us? I'm reading your blogs and am thinking: Just imagine how much we could do! But it's a process, isn't it. We might work up the courage to get started...but it doesn't end there. Step one is connected to step two, requires step three and then, one day, wallah! We've manifested a dream!

Today, in all honesty, I'm not sure what I did. But if I were to be kind to myself, I suppose this might be considered a pretty good start:

• I ate about 50% LESS food than I normally would in the course of a day. I was afraid that I would get really hungry and uncomfortable. It turns out that I'm only a little bit hungry and not uncomfortable at all. Actually, I'm instead finding unexpected reserves of energy.
• I judged someone by the way she looked (high heels, expensive dress, manicured nails, British accent, expensive smelling perfume) and took her to be something of a snob...but decided to give her a chance and once we started talking it turned out she was just dressed up for a wedding and was totally weirded out by the heels she was wearing. In the end, I realized that she was wonderful and interesting. But, you know, it can be scary to open yourself up to someone who might possibly look down on you.
• Thanks to a friend, I emailed an editor and included a link to my blog. Silly, but true. ;)
• I "cut a deal" to exchange artwork for web design--and I am feeling wonderfully happy about this because I love her work and am already planning to hang a display of her incredible India photos on the walls of our someday-new-home.
  
• I started reading Women Who Run With the Wolves. I thought I had a copy, but couldn't find it so I bought another one. I spent a large part of the day thinking about the word WILD. WILDNESS. WILDERNESS. and about what it means to me. I realized that, to me, it means EVERYTHING.
• I took some time to mentally "re-group." I thought about what direction I actually want to take all of this in. I don't want to commit blindless acts of bravery just for the sake of doing something "scary," rather for the more important sake of moving forward from the center of my heart. This is especially true in my hunt for a new job. It's not just about getting a new job, a "real" job, any job that pays more than my current job. It's about finding a job that truly suits me, challenges me, and satisfies me. Today I thought about where and when to draw the line between being scary because its thrilling and the nervousness that warns us when something just isn't right.
  
• I started thinking about wild ideas and my wildest dreams....and realized that it's all possible....every single last bit of it.