Friday, October 05, 2007

little bits and pieces gathering to make the whole...

Today is the 8th day of bravery. Already 8 days? The first week was especially intense--tense muscles, restless sleep, tight jaw--it was truly, truly intense. Mostly I think it was the realization that, holy shit, things might actually CHANGE! I mean, I've been wanting change for a long, long time, but wanting it and making it happen are two completely different things now, aren't they.

I will say, however, that I think I really needed the break I took last night to celebrate with Vinny. I've been pushing myself forward every day and feeling wonderful about all of it. Last night the world looked different to me. I mean, in a really big way I felt like a whole new person, as though, if I really, really wanted to, I could make ANYTHING happen just be doing it. Everything felt slightly surreal and... possible!

Maybe it was all the rain and the unseasonably tropical weather or last night's champagne or..., but today felt softer in comparison to all the other days of this project. I felt more grateful, more beautiful, more generous, more voluptuous, more grounded, more blessed, more earthy, more sacred, more of everything. But today the notion settled in that it is not just about taking the first step. It's also about following through.

One of the biggest reasons for starting this project is that I really, really want a house of our own. I want to be able to paint the walls all the wild, saturated colors of the rainbow. I want to create gardens. I want to hang a hundred pieces of art on the walls. I want to do a lot of things that you just can't do in a place that you rent. Most especially, I want to grow roots. Beyond that, there are many layers and intricacies underlying my desire to move on.

What if we all did one thing every day that scares us? I'm reading your blogs and am thinking: Just imagine how much we could do! But it's a process, isn't it. We might work up the courage to get started...but it doesn't end there. Step one is connected to step two, requires step three and then, one day, wallah! We've manifested a dream!

Today, in all honesty, I'm not sure what I did. But if I were to be kind to myself, I suppose this might be considered a pretty good start:
  • I ate about 50% LESS food than I normally would in the course of a day. I was afraid that I would get really hungry and uncomfortable. It turns out that I'm only a little bit hungry and not uncomfortable at all. Actually, I'm instead finding unexpected reserves of energy.
  • I judged someone by the way she looked (high heels, expensive dress, manicured nails, British accent, expensive smelling perfume) and took her to be something of a snob...but decided to give her a chance and once we started talking it turned out she was just dressed up for a wedding and was totally weirded out by the heels she was wearing. In the end, I realized that she was wonderful and interesting. But, you know, it can be scary to open yourself up to someone who might possibly look down on you.
  • Thanks to a friend, I emailed an editor and included a link to my blog. Silly, but true. ;)
  • I "cut a deal" to exchange artwork for web design--and I am feeling wonderfully happy about this because I love her work and am already planning to hang a display of her incredible India photos on the walls of our someday-new-home.
  • I started reading Women Who Run With the Wolves. I thought I had a copy, but couldn't find it so I bought another one. I spent a large part of the day thinking about the word WILD. WILDNESS. WILDERNESS. and about what it means to me. I realized that, to me, it means EVERYTHING.
  • I took some time to mentally "re-group." I thought about what direction I actually want to take all of this in. I don't want to commit blindless acts of bravery just for the sake of doing something "scary," rather for the more important sake of moving forward from the center of my heart. This is especially true in my hunt for a new job. It's not just about getting a new job, a "real" job, any job that pays more than my current job. It's about finding a job that truly suits me, challenges me, and satisfies me. Today I thought about where and when to draw the line between being scary because its thrilling and the nervousness that warns us when something just isn't right.
  • I started thinking about wild ideas and my wildest dreams....and realized that it's all possible....every single last bit of it.

13 comments:

Julie said...

Wow, what an inspiring project you have going. I think I would like to join in...will give it some thought over the weekend. Been reading you awhile but haven't left a comment yet so I figured I'd say hello.

adi said...

thanks jessie. hope u'll make an other visit soon. and this time say something on the words too :)

bee said...

VOLUPTUOUS is the EXACT word to describe you...oh, jessie, this post was like melting into a puddle of ghee for me - like eating cold strawberries sprinkled with chocolate powder. so...gooooood...

you are just this gorgeous freaking creature that i get to call my friend.

bee said...

oh, and another (more concrete) thing...

i know you will get the home of your dreams, you fearless mama.

Maddie said...

everything about this project
has sent me soaring into a new
sense of direction and sense of
self and the whole realm
of POSSIBILITY
it has opened up my mind and
I am just so gosh darn proud and
grateful to YOU!


(happy dancing, hand clapping,
lots of twirling)

Amber said...

I want you to know that I thought of your challenge, and it gave me a push to make a call I had been dreading/fearing. It didn't go very well, but I really have nothing to fear abotu it.

You are rubbing off.

:)

laundrygirl said...

I gobbled this post up like a delicious piece of cake. That's just how good it was! I am so excited for you. I think what you are doing is AMAZING!
I want to get a copy of Women Who Run With the Wolves...

Fiona said...

Thank you for your bravery project! Its got me out of my really uncomfortable rut and looking at new possibilities and ways to move forward and is getting me closer to my dreams each day. I love you wildness and it inspires mine!

Olivia said...

I know, Jessie, it sometimes is terrifying just to contemplate that all sorts of things might change and it is up to us how far and how fast to go with this. It is hard for me to even visualize what might change!

I think it is that quote by Marianne Williamson that we are not terrified that we are too small, but that we are magnificent and powerful. Ok, here it is:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”---MW

We DO have to go in steps, but I think that it's because we'd implode or explode or something if everything happened all at once, don't you?

What a great point you make that you don't want to just do "blindless acts of bravery" but to move forward towards your dreams. Me, too. I'm feeling that today. At first, though, "blindless acts of bravery" were definitely enough :) Just to get started...Maybe this is "second week syndrome". Then maybe there is a third and fourth week syndrome, too...

What an amazing adventure!

Thank you for blazing this trail for all of us, but especially for me,

Love,

O

Karen said...

Oh, Jessie, what a wonderful post. I feel inspired every time I come by for a visit.

I think I'm going to need to make a list of possible acts of bravery, because I've felt a shift this week, too. I don't want to just randomly do something scary, I want my bravery to mean something.

I'll be thinking about you while you're on your vacation--peace and quiet--oh, I'm so jealous!

kimberley said...

I like what you wrote about not pushing to do something "scary" just for the sake of doing it. I also want to do things that are connected to growth or making a difference.

I read Women Who Run With the Wolves several years ago during a time of huge changes in my life - it made all the difference in the decisions I made at the time.

Tori said...

I love this project and your brave acts so far are such inspiration to me.
I hope that you are having a wonderful time up north.

Maddie said...

Jessie!!!

I can't seem to leave a comment
on your soul-infused-so-alive-ethereal
-heart-awakened post
on your cabin journeY!!

i will go try again:(