I've been starting to feel like I am moving through life in hyper-speed and it has caused an anxious little egg to open up in my chest that sometimes takes my breath away. Things have begun to feel messy and blurry and when this happens I start feeling incredibly disconnected from my life.
A couple days ago I received a journal that I bought from Melba. I already have a journal started, a big thick one that I am about 3/4 of the way through. I love the journal I've been using (it is like an old friend) but it's been filling up with so many expectations and negative thoughts that I decided that I would break in Melba's journal early and return to morning pages.I've decided to make Melba's journal my sacred space--it is beautiful. When I first got it I spent a lot of time just looking at all of its details. I can actually feel her energy within its pages and it inspires me to use it as a space to explore my thoughts and feelings on a deeper and more sacred level.
Today I ended up filling 8 pages instead of the 3 that I set out to write. I could have written more except that something came up and I had to stop. As I filled up line after line within the pages of this fresh journal I became aware of a lot of new things. It seems that I am in the process of learning how to take my negative energy and turn it into something more useful. Yes, it is a learning. process. But lately I have noticed that I am getting better at it. I feel closer to myself than I have in some time. Of course, I get off track on a daily basis, but like I said: it's a process.
I've been spending a lot of time lately making lists of things that I need to do. These are separate lists from the ones I wrote about earlier. These are the kind of lists that don't do much except cause me stress because there is no way on earth I could possibly accomplish all of it.
I have these lists rattling around in my head from the time I get up until the time I go to bed. The work load that I've set out for myself stretches out in 10 directions. I go to bed too late, toss and turn all night, and then wake up too early trying to figure out what order the next items on the list should be in. It's ridiculous.
Through journaling today I came to the realization that I've been setting myself up to feel failure on a daily basis. It starts out early in the morning and then carries on throughout the day. In the end, I usually feel like I'm not doing much other than spinning my wheels--what's the point of this?
I often try to take on major projects before work and then am barely able to get started before it's time to leave. Endless frustration. I decided today that I would own up to the fact that my morning time would be better spent doing morning pages and taking the dogs for an extra long walk. It would be a much more positive start to my day--centering, energizing, relaxing. I never get the other stuff done anyway, so why torture myself with it?
Tomorrow our landlord is coming over to meet someone who will be painting the house. Even though we always keep the house fairly clean, I've been feeling slightly obsessed about making it spotless from top to bottom (why do I care?). I told Vinny over the phone this afternoon that I was frustrated because I had so much to do before I go to bed tonight. He reminded me that the house isn't even that dirty. It dawned on me that it wasn't the house that was so horrible, it was the state of my mind. And so I decided to approach cleaning as though it were mental housekeeping.
I decided I would enjoy dinner, play music, and instead of stressing out about whatever, I would instead just look forward to the fact that I would be able to enjoy a clean, peaceful, and comfortable environment when I was done. I also decided that after cleaning, rather than plod my way through the next thing on my list, I would instead take a nice hot bath (inspired by this post--Melba inspired, once again!). It has been months since I've taken a bath--something that I used to do on a regular basis. What happened?!
In the end, I succeeded in cleaning the house from top to bottom (yes, all 3 floors!). I lit candles, put on some Loreena McKennit (oh, I forgot how much I love her music), added "Inspiration" bath salts (that Vinny brought home for me the other day--he is such a sweet man), brought up a book and a bottle of water and ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....let my craziness slip away. It was wonderful.
Meanwhile, Louis and Vinny watched TV.
All in all...I'd say it turned out to be a pretty good day. I asked the universe to take good care of me tonight. I'd say the universe did a pretty good job.