It feels good to have my mom back (for the first time)....

...because it's been a long road getting to now. But, I must admit, I've learned a lot in witnessing her transformation. Sometimes things aren't as they seem. Sometimes nothing is as it seems. I'm beginning to realize that underneath all the hurt, my mom has been a bird or a butterfly all along. It just took a divorce and a major step towards independence to reveal those beautiful, sparkling wings.

5 years ago I wrote a poem about her and our relationship. A friend suggested that I do it and so I did. But when I went to read it out loud in front of an entire room full of people, it caused me to unexpectedly break down in tears, unable to finish. Someone else finished for me, but I was left feeling embarrassed, confused, and mostly overwhelmed by the tidal wave of grief that had surged without warning and with such force from deep inside of me. I tried to hide my eyes behind a kleenex someone had handed me while somebody across the room said (with attempted good intention) something about how it didn't matter and that I shouldn't let that person hurt me. He didn't know I was talking about my mom. And, the truth is, no matter how horrible or fucked up they might be, mothers do matter. They matter more than anything.

Silence Held My Hand When Craziness Called
The Things Left Unsaid when Trust in Tomorrow Can't Be Guaranteed:

Dear __________,
I'm not sure what your plans are,
You've never quite said
how far you will go
But there are some things that
I have been keeping myself from saying.
Did I mention that they have begun to eat me up inside?
Well, never mind
actually
I was wondering if it would be possible for you to
take responsibility
for your life.

Would it be too innocent of me to hope that
maybe someday you could discard
the illusions
To rise above
what the doctors or
people
think.
I would like to see you as a phoenix
Just once.

I was wondering if you might laugh
so hard that your belly hurt.
Or maybe you could even smile
big enough for me to see your teeth.
I was wondering if I might ever get to see you
Throw back your head in wild abandonment
of the moment
Just some sign of life
...anything would do.

I was wondering if you would like to
have a conversation some time.
One that maybe we could walk away from
not feeling bad about.
I think it would be nice
not to want to scream
or cry every time
I hang up the phone
or leave the room where you stand
in tears.

I've been feeling a lot of anger and pain
over this and I don't think this guilt
is good for either one of us.

There is something else I wanted to ask you.
It is important.
I was wondering if it would be possible
For you to be strong.
Just once.
You see, I would really like to experience
Your Beauty.

***

It feels good to have a mom who, for the first time in my life, is strong and beautiful and has risen from the ashes of her own life--like a phoenix. I always wondered what it would be like to have that kind of mom...and I'm finally finding out.

Someday I hope she finds the kind of loving relationship that she deserves. In the meantime (and beyond) she's got mine.