Today started out perfectly--I walked out the door this morning thinking that I just might enjoy the calmness of it all. Unfortunately, it took a turn for the worse shortly after arriving at school--and plummeted even further into the depths of horribleness by late morning. Then there was the perk of listening to a reading by a very wonderful and humorous teaching candidate (that part was good--really good even). But then an afternoon spent on the phone and sending e-mails to individuals concerning the horribleness.
And now I just feel sad--and a little bit like crying. Because there are certain aspects of my life that I put my heart and soul into, it is a very real bummer when something doesn't work out. I know, I'm not explaining myself--and maybe I shouldn't write anything at all. I'm leaving out the details because the details don't matter.
Today included a very heavy decision that will affect someone else more than it will ever affect me. And, believe me, I don't like the feeling of playing God.
ok--now I'm crying. And even though someone else would say that the horribleness is not worth it--I find it impossible not to care.
I think I could use a (very long) walk. The clouds look comforting.
6 comments:
Jessie, you're one of the most caring people I've ever known--and that's something to be proud of. But it's not an easy way to go through life, and of course a decision of this magnitude is going to affect you deeply. Just remember that this person has a much larger role than you do in this situation. And this is only ONE person; you've made many, many more people's lives better. (Including mine.)
I wish I could be there and just hold you and let you cry. I don't know the specifics of the "horribleness" of today...I only know that you are in pain and that even your pain carries an abounding beauty. I wish you much comfort right now, sweet friend. You have a truly amazing heart!
Details matter not, my friend. What matters is that you feel sad.
Responsibilty is hard.
Responsible Responsibility is much harder because that means you give a damn and that it will impact you and your emotions.
You stike me as a very caring individual who puts others and their needs very high on your list of priorities. That is good, but it can cause hurt for you.
I have had to make crucial decisions on hiring teachers and what also had a huge role in deciding what students received scholarships for college.
Big impact for them, not nearly so for me. Even so, there were many times I cried over it.
I should have, though.
Big decision with that much impact REQUIRES it. I would have felt like a heel if I could make such a decision without feeling.
I think you do the same because you care.
BIG HUGE HUG.
Jess,
A bleak entry. I don't know what you are talking about, but I know you are sad, and I'm sorry about that.
We have to do hard things. We do things that hurt others more than ourselves; we do them out of duty or self-protection or for the greater good. We have to do them.
Suffering over doing them is as close as we get to redemption.
amber, tara, loralee, mark--
thank you for your comments--honestly. i appreciate your words of experience, wisdom, and friendship. you all have incredibly big hearts...and i'm glad i know you.
*HUG*
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