Be Brave: Day ONE {July 21, 2008}

Holy hell.

It has been quite a day. I would say that Day 1 of recommitting myself to the Be Brave project has been successful. Beyond measure.

To be honest, I'm still trying to make sense of all that has happened today. I mean, where do I start? Gosh, I feel like I've begun blog posts like this a lot lately.

My day started out by meeting the president of an incredible Minneapolis based rescue organization, Pet Haven, to discuss a potential partnership over coffee. This woman, she is amazing. Intelligent, heart-felt, professional, inspiring.

A door, a window (a rabbit hole?)...something has been opened.

Something inside of me has changed.
Shifted.
Yes, the shift--the same kind I felt while shoveling snow how many months ago? An unexplainable shiver and quake that causes one to fall into place.

I feel like I've just dipped a toe into the water of something very deep...and now there is no turning back.

This story involves a rescue dog named Ode (pronounced ODay, which means "heart" in Ojibwe). Ode, a 12 week old pup, was recently rescued from the Red Lake Reservation. Her ears were burned off. Completely and purposefully.
Her story is gruesome, and yet she somehow holds more hope than I am even able to give words to. Just look at those eyes! She holds enough beauty to bowl me over. And I have a sneaking suspicion that she is only the beginning of something that is bigger than my heart even knows what to do with right now.

Or, rather, my heart does know what to do. And I'm pretty sure it involves painting.

* * *

But wait, that's not all...
For my first day of recommitting to bravery I also:

• decided to turn down an offer to illustrate a series of children's books. Although it is an interesting opportunity, it just doesn't feel right. Today I decided to listen to my gut and honor my intuition. A little whisper is telling me that I'm going to need that time for something else.
  

• altered my diet drastically. I finally feel ready to deal with my weight. Certain unhappinesses in my life have caused me to become something of an over-eater. Stress, negative emotions...these are all good reasons to eat whatever I want, right? Um. I've been eating badly for too long. It wasn't until just recently (while on vacation) that I finally started to feel as though I have the emotional energy to make necessary changes and deal with the issues that need to be dealt with. Today I ate things like handfuls of fresh blueberries, nuts, raisins, lean meat, yogurt, raspberries, and granola. I went to the store and bought organic spinach and tofu. Strangely, today's diet was absolutely painless. I am happy about this because I have 25 pounds that I feel like I am finally, finally(!) ready to let go of. I'm realizing that the trick is to truly be ready. I wasn't ready before now.
  

• took my laptop in to get fixed. Mind you, it's been broken (completely useless) for the past 2 months. Ironically, it died shortly after defending my thesis. I couldn't find my warranty and was afraid that it had expired or that they wouldn't do anything without it and that I would have to clean my closet (oh horror!) in order to find it or that I would have to deal with a zillion inconveniences of trying to mail it in, or, or, or... Turns out that it took me all of 5 minutes. I was waited on by two incredibly smart and friendly people. My computer will be ready in little more than a week. I can't even tell you how many times I wished I could use my laptop!! And now? It will be painlessly fixed. For free! Why did I wait TWO months to do this? Fear, even the little kind, is a funny thing. Lesson to ponder: What if everything in our lives is really this easy?

• completed a painting of a modern day St. Francis with 2 dogs for a show that Kristine is curating in California even though I'm not even sure if it will get there in time. As I painted, I really couldn't tell if it was any good. I still don't know if it's any good...but I'm glad I did it anyway--because it was exactly what I needed to do.

Dang. That's enough for one day.

Goodnight, friends. And here's to getting reacquainted with BRAVERY. Whew!

~

Belief in Dreams: Lessons from Louis.

What would happen if we gave ourselves over entirely to the things we want? I love these photos of Louis--such sweet abandon! Pure energy! Wild heart! No holding back!




I feel refreshed. Revived. Relaxed. Renewed. I guess that nearly a week's worth of bathing in a lake and cooking on a campfire will do that to a person. I feel like myself again.

Lesson #1: Nourish the muse with delicious bouts of down time.

These past several months I have found myself consumed by the notion of time and how to make the best of it. I've gotten good at equating time with money. How many emails, phone calls, paintings, and meetings can I accomplish in one day? How many items can I jam pack into my to-do list? How little sleep can I endure? I've been striving for maximum efficiency but I think that sometimes it only comes at the cost of a skewed perspective. A skewed perspective too often brings with it a sense of worry, doubt, confusion, and becoming easily overwhelmed. In other words...perspective makes all the difference and there is nothing like a good vacation to put things back into balance.

I spent a lot of time this past week thinking about all the ways that I want to Be Brave. I am strangely excited for Monday and all that it marks the beginning for. I am excited by how many people are joining in on the Be Brave project and I swear I can feel the accumulation of energy already starting to swirl!

Earlier today I read a post by Kristine that really spoke to me. She writes:

"Here’s the scoop – I have been through so much hardship over the years that I just realized recently how tainted I am – how afraid I am to dream, how I look for the shoe to drop, how I am afraid, always fearful even when it’s not necessary to be. I tend to anticipate the worst and I am so very sick of having this cloud of doubt over my head. It’s draining and keeps me in a state of confusion most of the time. I know I need to shake this negativity and yet doing that involves taking risks. At the same time it is hard to take a risk when you have people around you who think your dreams are crazy and that the fact that you’d have such aspirations audacious, well more than audacious – bombastic! And then you begin to shrink back and diminish your light, while at the same time knowing that something is off, something does not feel right, knowing that a part of you is hidden and dampened. So today, I am tossing that away. I am making an effort to shrug off this sloth that drags me down... "

She continues by sharing a few of her own dreams and then asks us to share some of our own. Her words woke me up to just how much of my energy I have been giving away to worry. It seems silly, really--because, now that I'm rested, I feel weirdly removed from the rush and ridiculousness of my life. I see how much I've been letting worry leach the enjoyment from this incredible new life I've started to build for myself. I've let myself get weighed down by fretting over time and money. Simply put, this is my weak spot, my limiting factor. I get tangled up in concerns over how many commissions I have lined up and how to organize upcoming projects and events. I start planning new endeavors from a place of desperation rather than joy. Luckily, I've become keenly aware of the fact that "desperation" is nothing more than my perspective sliding off kilter--no matter how bad the situation might initially seem. This is easy enough to fix since I only have to remember...

Lesson #2: I have everything I need.

When I truly give myself space to nourish my muse and pay attention to how supportive the universe has been, it becomes more obvious to me how important it is to lighten up. Which leads to...

Lesson #3: Don't be so serious all the time.

This of course leaves me at a very wonderful jumping off point. There is so much potential, happiness, and transformation to be had!

Lesson #4: Go for it!

Don't hold back.
DREAM BIG.

~

Gone till Friday...

I'm off to the great big North! Lakes, woods, stars, hammocks, dogs, books, sun, tent, quiet, journal, husband, loons, fires, hobo dinners...and not much else. Internet access will be minimal. Things have been wonderfully busy with photo shoots and painting...but now it's time for a much needed break. I look forward to catching up with all of you upon returning--but, for now, I am off to contemplate all the ways in which I might Be Brave.

love,
Jessie

*photo credit: Digital Camera Workshop

~

Ready...Set...BE BRAVE!! {Revisited}

Dear Friends,

Back in October of 2007 (oh, that sounds like such a long time ago) I decided to start a new project and invited any one who was interested to join me. Little did I know that it would CHANGE MY LIFE. In proper blogging fashion, people from all over the world decided to participate and, thus, live their lives a little bit more bravely. The cumulative energy from so many brave individuals felt as powerful as a tidal wave, a wave that just keeps growing. I will forever be grateful for the success of the Be Brave Project because it has propelled me forward in ways I never even imagined. Maybe you have participated in this project since the beginning. Maybe you've just started. Maybe you've simply been letting the idea incubate inside of you. Or maybe this is the first you've heard of it. Whatever the case, I deeply believe that there is strength in numbers and so I once again invite you to join me in this Be Brave journey.

I began with the intentions of living by Eleanore Roosevelt's quote for one month.

"Do one thing every day that scares you."
~Eleanor Roosevelt

One thing. Just one. Every day. Turns out that it became a habit. I didn't mean for that to happen, but I'm glad that it did. Granted, committing acts of bravery has not gotten any easier--but what DID happen is that I got better at recognizing the signs of evasion. I got better at giving myself those little nudges--like jumping into water, it is never as painful as we imagine. I think it's safe to say that most of us are creatures of comfort. Why cause ourselves discomfort on purpose? Well, the point is not to be uncomfortable. The point is to MOVE FORWARD. The point is to grow and evolve. The point is to manifest your wildest desires--no matter how impossible they might seem. The point is to shine with our whole being.

And sometimes that requires incredible amounts of bravery.

These days I feel as though I have hit a bit of a crossroads, a hump, a rock, a wall...whatever it is, I'm struggling to move past it, and it feels very NECESSARY and important that I do. Over and over this quote has been finding its way back to me. And I have to tell you that it's down right weird how often and blaringly it has been popping up lately. One woman, who has no knowledge of this project, commissioned me to paint this EXACT quote on 5 feet worth of canvas to hang about her bed. Another woman, who also has no knowledge of the project, invited me to her home for a photoshoot in preparation for a commissioned portrait of her cat and dog. Mind you, the day before I had been on the brink of giving up on myself, but then (the universe stepped in?) I unexpectedly met her on a sidewalk and, for some reason, we started talking. When I arrived at her home, there was a tall gate leading into what I can only describe as a magical place--and on the inside of the gate was, yes, you guessed it, that quote.

Then there have been the emails, the comments, the requests--dozens of them saying: Be Brave, Be Brave, Be Brave...

And so I've come to the conclusion that it is time to revisit the Be Brave Project and to invite you, once again, to join me in doing so.

I will whole-heartedly return to this project on Monday, July 21st. I've chosen that date because by then I will have finished a major project (thus opening up more time and energy for living extra bravely) and I will have just returned home, refreshed from a small vacation. For me, these are good conditions for continuing on this Be Brave journey. And I will blog about my experience here, as often as I'm able to.

I want to make it very clear, however, that there is no beginning and no end to this project. If you decide to join in, there are no rules except for the ones you create for yourself.

We each have a different goal. We each have a different reason for calling on bravery. And we each will have a different outcome. The important thing is that you make a commitment to yourself--and then believe that the universe will support you in that commitment. It's safe to say that you will get as much out of it as you put into it. This blogging community is here as a network of cumulative energy to help propel you forward and remind you that you are not alone when the going gets rough--and it will--but I assure you that you will expand in hugely positive ways.

Taken from the original Be Brave post, here are a few thoughts to get you started:

• (most important:) MAKE YOUR OWN RULES.
• Do this for yourself.
• Make a commitment for the length of time that best suites YOUR needs--one day, one month, one year, one moment...it's all up to you, and you alone. ;)
  
• The "brave" or "scary" things that you choose to do can be as big or little as you want them to be. Sometimes it's the little things that can be the most scary (and beneficial)!
• (not to quote Nike, but...) Just do it.
• Be on your own schedule. You don't need to make a commitment until YOU are ready.
• This is your unique journey--make it whatever you want it to be.

If you want to participate, I invite you to add the Be Brave badge to your blog (like you see on my sidebar). In order to get the image to link back to the original Be Brave post, the html code is:

<br /><br/><a href="http://ravenn.blogspot.com/2007/10/be-brave-project.html"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5116904848277971282" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhR6x75gzEVQliQuMZXwEtvjhl-8TkrBfuijWnP3B41yB-InPzbPg3ZUJmf0eq5AEcwLeRnjpe7QjkuzUF4qcGe6MSlFYJdFogiEAxPBffqbCra3uDTi-PR_mD7qjSyevfRKjfJ/s320/bebrave.jpg" /></a><br /><br />

Here's to continued bravery, to moving forward, to full-hearted authenticity, and to living a little bit more adventurously in the process!

One thing:
Be Brave!

~

"G" is for Gratitude.

Today's post is brought to you by the letter "G."

And these are a few of the things I'm grateful for:

• This space.
• Nearing completion on the very large alphabet commission, enjoying the process along the way, and finally getting around to sharing it!
• The fact that there's only 8 days between me and a much desired vacation.
• Meeting just the right person at just the right time.
• Voicemail...and the love, friendship, and support it is able to contain.
• The ceiling fan above my bed, sweet relief from the heat.
• The potential in everything.
• Really wonderful emails and blog comments.
• Good books.
  
• Rose petal iced tea.
• A cold shower and rosemary mint soap after working outside in the sun all day.
• ...followed by a deliciously homemade Greek dinner prepared by my husband.
• ...followed by an hour of laying in my hammock with a good book and my 2 dogs playing underneath me (my definition of heaven).
• ...followed by returning a whole slew of emails that I am receiving in response to my recent Call for Dogs--and feeling a drastic spike in hopefulness in the process.
  
• Getting to know the incredible group of women that are participating in the first gathering of Creating in the Midst.
  
• Late night double espressos.
• Stunning dog photos and the freedom to choose which ones I want to paint.
• Inspiration.
• A body that works well, despite the abuse I sometimes put it through.
• This quote.
• The fact that this list is nowhere near complete....
  

...more letters coming soon! :)

~

living from love.

I found this video on Olivia's blog and, despite Whitney Houston, I was a pile of bluthering tears before it was over! This is love. This is such true, real love. You can see it in each of their expressions, movements, touches, gestures--of both the lion and his people!

I'm posting this video here because it struck a chord in me. A deep chord. I can't really explain it, but this is what I feel when I paint dogs--this intensity of love. It is sometimes nearly enough to knock me over...or more like spill me over.

Nearly every day there is a massive number of things happening in my little world. Where should I even begin? I honestly don't know how to put words to my experiences and emotions. I wish I could explain myself better. I have never in my life moved through a time of such certainty and doubt all at once.

I am certain that this is what I should be doing right now. I am certain that I am creating from my very center and it is enough to pull me inside out and back again. I am certain that every single choice I've made and every circumstance I've ended up in has been leading me to this very place, in this exact moment in time. I am certain that to give up on this would leave me with only half a self. I am certain that I have never felt so absolutely surrounded by such deep love. It doesn't come from any specific individual or animal or anything...it just is. I am profoundly thankful for these certainties.

There has always been a part of me that has wished to invest more of myself in my life's Purpose. But I am certain that, right now, I am invested fully and completely in my Purpose. This is a staggering sensation. I feel like I am capable of even more--and sometimes I get glimpses of what that looks like. Interestingly, that "more" has nothing to do with me. That is, it has nothing to do with my ego. It has nothing to do with money. It has nothing to do with recognition or achievement or validation or any of it. It is an ever-so-brief vision and, in it, I am doing my truest work to make the world just a little bit better for even just a few beings that I meet along my path. For now, I feel like I am living my purpose to the best of my ability at this time. I am evolving. This, right here, is only as far as I've been able to manage. There's more (higher purpose) beyond this, but I'm just not there yet. And the only way I can get to that higher purpose is to continue living this strange journey.

Painting dogs is a massively unexpected bend in the path for me. I didn't expect the scenery of my life to look like this. My days are full of more energy and movement than I often know what to do with.

And yet I am struggling deeply with doubt.

I would explain that feeling of doubt a bit more...but each time I try, I end up deleting the words because they create a picture that doesn't quite fit. What is the difference between doubting yourself and doubting what you can make happen for yourself? This is the differentiation that I am struggling to explain. It doesn't have anything to do with my ability, but it has everything to do with my belief in whether or not I will be capable of making my hopes happen.

And so, these days, I am living on faith. I am living on love. I am living on sheer determination. If anyone is envious of the things that have happened for me over these past couple months I would just like to state that there is nothing to be jealous about because it has been incredibly F*@%ING hard!

Maybe I'm telling you this so that you won't give up on your own dream when the going gets tough. Maybe I'm telling you this because if you don't give up on your dream then I'm less likely to give up on mine.

I am starting to wonder how it is that I can have so many successes and still be struggling so hard to fulfill my basic needs, like paying the bills. Things will work out, they always do. But man, oh man...doubt is one tough cookie to deal with. This time it is not even my husband's doubt or my family's doubt or so-and-so's doubt...This doubt is mine--ALL mine. And self-doubt is the biggest bitch of all.

I'm not really sure what the point of this post is except maybe to remind myself that this struggle is worth it. Even if I lost all my earthly possessions, this would be worth it. But, dang, that is a scary line to walk.

When those guys released that lion into the wild, how did they know that he would survive? I can imagine how difficult it must have been for them to make that decision. But it was a decision that had to be made. I can imagine how much confusion the lion must have felt over being left in the African wilderness to fend for himself. I can imagine it because, these days, I feel a little bit like both the lion and the lion's people. I am them (the lion's people) living on some sort of risky strange faith, and the lion is what I'm capable of (he represents my fullest, highest, wildest potential).

This is my time for major and necessary change in my life. I am right smack dab in the middle of it. It is welcome, but frightening in its magnitude.

I often ask myself what, exactly, I would do if I knew I would succeed. What would my next step be? Without a doubt, my answer is always the same. Which is why, today, I have fallen in love with that lion and his friends.

What was the biggest risk you ever survived? Please tell me. Dear lion hearted friends, I want to hear your stories.

~

Pure joy.

Check out the portrait I will soon be painting for the Boston Terrier Club of America! The painting will be up for auction this coming spring to raise money for rescue efforts.

I love it.

The photo was sent to me by someone that I met at last night's dog event that I helped sponsor and, in exchange, was given a booth. It was extremely hot and I was tired and I went home feeling like it was a bit of a bust. Now that I look at this photo, however, I'm beginning to think otherwise.

Some days everything just feels like one huge gamble.

But it re-dawned on me today that if I want to be really successful at this business of painting then I need to define my desires rather than being defined by anything that is not truly my desire. In other words, if I'm able to truly give myself over to my passion in complete genuineness, then my energy will attract more energy. I've witnessed this in myself over and over and over. Even so, it is sometimes easy to get caught up in the busy-ness or worries of things and end up being limited by playing it too safe. Meg recently wrote an incredible post about this same sort of thing.

I want to write more on this subject--but it is past 1 am and (ok, ok) I need to go to bed. There are so many thoughts trying to find solid ground in my head. Today I am taking stock of where I am and what direction I want to see myself headed in. There has been so much going on for such a long time. I don't remember the last time I took a day off--really off.

And so tomorrow I am granting myself a day of pretty much nothing--a whole, entire, wonderful day.

I need a day to regroup and lay in the grass. I need a day to rest and realign. I too often forget how important this is. It takes an amazing amount of energy to live authentically. I mean, I want to live from my very truest self. And, of course, there is more to this than simply vying for commissions and worrying about what I'm accomplishing, where and how I'm marketing myself, and what project comes next (much more!). Sometimes the only way to do your truest work is to take one holy day to not do any work at all. Why is that such a hard lesson for me to learn?

Anyway...tomorrow I've decided to give myself over to going to the park, cloud gazing, and pondering Meg's question: 'what would be the biggest, bravest, boldest, greatest thing I could do next? What would be the greatest thing since sliced bread?'

And then?
I'll "just do it."

~

love lives here.

I feel like writing this morning. I don't even know what about...but I do know that my coffee tastes especially good today and the sun is shining and it is already warm out even though it is still early.

I also want to tell you that there has been some good news. My aunt was going to be sent home from the hospital, but it seems that there is a bit of a MIRACLE in progress! They did another bone biopsy and found that something good is happening with her cells. The bone marrow transplant seems to be taking hold! I don't really feel like going into a complete description of her leukemia and how it progresses or goes into remission--but the point is that something WONDERFUL is happening! And I can't help but believe that it is HER who is making it happen.

Amazing.

Granted, there are still a lot of unknowns and risks and dangers ahead...but, dang! Sometimes I am blown away by the power of mind/body/spirit. Miracles have the ability defy explanation. And miracles, I'm coming to believe, are little more than energy in action.

I guess that's why I came here today...to tell you that. I'm excited by life and all that we are capable of manifesting.

These days, V. and I are waiting to see if we can get funding for a house. It's a nerve-racking experience, but I am making my best attempts at keeping my energy focused in positive directions. Yesterday, while waiting for the loan officer to call back, instead of letting anxiety tie my stomach in knots, I worked on a collage of the home that V. and I are interested in. I sang softly to myself a made-up song about our new life in that home. Louie and the cats loved it--all three of them wandered and rubbed up against my legs as I worked. Singing is breathing--and it helped immensely to calm my mind.

(click on image to enlarge)

If my aunt can will herself back into health, I see no reason that I can't will a house into our lives...or anything else for that matter. Shortly after finishing the collage the phone rang. There was a part of me that braced myself for bad news, but even though we don't have a definite answer yet, I was elated to hear that there is hope!

Who knows what will happen...all I know is that my life has involved a lot of living and breathing and painting lately. It has involved a lot of friendship and learning and inspiration.

When I imagine Vinny's and my future home, I imagine a sign above the door that says "love lives here." The sign is eclectically hand-made. Well, everything about the house is a bit eclectic. I imagine a garden with lots of vining vegetables--string beans, sweet peas, zucchini, pumpkins. I imagine tomatoe plants that grow tall and heavy with plump fruit. I imagine a secret garden where there are a plethora of ferns, moonflowers, echinacea and other flowering wonders. I imagine walking out into that yard every morning with a cup of coffee and my journal-- a place where I start my day without interruptions. I imagine an art studio tucked under the trees--that is, the sort of studio that makes me drool with happiness!

I imagine enchantment. And a family made of a husband and dogs and maybe even babies.

I imagine a place where love lives.

~

the weekly report.

It's another one of those "hmmm...where do I begin?" posts. It's early, 5:30 am, to be exact. I'm not usually up this early, but I must say, it is beautiful outside. The water in the little kiddy pool out in the back yard for the dogs to cool off in is completely still--a glassy mirror of the pre-sunrise sky--beautiful enough to make tears threaten and sting my eyes (much more beautiful than my photo was able to capture). Birds chirp in a layered symphony from the still new-to-me canopy of green that creates the park in the opposite direction of the pool. Such stillness, such life. These sorts of things make my heart want to burst.

You see, there's been a lot going on in my life these days. My aunt, who has been battling leukemia since this past January, has just received news that the none of the treatments worked. She is being sent home--but going home, on these terms, is a hollow victory. This is a hard reality to swallow. Even as I write this I feel a firm belief in hope rise in my throat. I believe in miracles. And so does my aunt.

Miracles or not, this has been an intense experience--for her, for her husband and kids, for me, for all of us. Ever since hearing the news, there has been a part of me asking that old cliched question: but why her? It doesn't seem fair. I feel something akin to a pang of guilt. I mean, I've lived almost my entire life doing what I want. If I were to die tomorrow, I could honestly say that I have lived a full and deeply satisfying life. I am fully aware of the ridiculousness of this thinking, but why have I been graced with this fierce devotion to living an authentic life and not someone who deserves it as much as my aunt? It's difficult to craft a sentence that makes sense around a thought that doesn't make sense. But maybe you know what I mean? Granted, I hope to live to be 500. But, in getting sick, my aunt has come to see life in a new way. She has opened up to the notion that right now is all we have--and so we better make the best of it. She has realized her priorities...and it is not the incessant work that is so much a part of her past. Her new priorities are the sound of rain, birds, her family. I want to see her be able to live out this new vision/version of life. Whether or not she is able to, I guess the best I can do is love her and learn from her. I feel profound heartache over the matter. And a plastic pool full of water is all it seems to take to cause it all to rise to the surface.

Yesterday I ended up at the doctor's office for several hours because of a migraine. It was the worst one I've ever experienced--even so, I would not have gone in if V. wouldn't have made me. I had nausea that wouldn't quit and I think that part of my problem was that I was getting really dehydrated. I don't remember the last time I felt so miserable. I worked in the too-hot heat all day Thursday and this, compiled with too much stress (some of it from recent successes that I have yet to tell you about), was enough to temporarily do me in. I should tell you that I have a strong aversion to doctors because, in my experience, they have never done anything positive for me. I've always felt like a nuisance to them, like they were too busy for me and, more times than not, I have been sent home with nothing, feeling just as bad as when I arrived. My attitude towards doctors has become: "Why bother?"

Yesterday, however, I went to a new clinic and, there, I was taken care of by the most healing group of women that I have ever met. 1 doctor and 5 nurses, to be exact. I felt cared for. They were so kind and gentle. And they were not going to send me home until I felt better. It didn't feel like a place of "medicine"--it felt like a place of healing. They turned the lights down low and made sure I was comfortable, checking on me often. Their voices were soft as well as their touch. I am grateful for this experience because it gave me a newfound positive perspective. By the time I got home at 8pm, I was finally able to think coherently, eat something and slept deeply.

I am supposed to work again today at the garden shop (I am now working there 2 days a week and will be there for only a short time longer)...but it is going to be another atrociously hot day. I still have the remnants of a headache and I do not want to go through yesterday all over again. And so I've decided to go in as late as possible. Why go at all? Well, that is part of some good news that I have not yet had time to tell you

(I realize that this post is getting incredibly long, please bear with me)...

Lately I've been reading a lot of books about the law of attraction and wealth and, over and over, I keep reading stories about people who didn't experience success until they were forced to take the leap. These are people who lost their jobs for one reason or another. And every time I read a story like this, I kept thinking: I wish that would happen to me! Because then I wouldn't have to make the decision, it would be made for me!

You see, despite successes, there is still a very large part of me that worries that the money won't be there if I quit my job entirely. There's another part of me that feels like it is because of my job that money has lacked the flow I am wishing for. I have been hanging on to my job by a very painful thread. Anyway...to keep a long story short: my boss informed me a couple weeks ago that they will be CLOSING!!! The going out of business sale began this week and it has been crazy there (hence, the working too hard in the heat migraine thing).

Can you believe it?! I feel like Mother Universe is gently knocking me out of my safe little nest! In the past month I have been offered two other jobs--one as a dog walker and the other in a high end home-interior boutique. I said no thank you to both jobs because, although both would be wonderful in their own way, I know in my bones that the universe is offering me a chance to fully invest myself in Stray Dog Arts. And, for this, I am beside myself with gratitude, excitement, and (yes) even a little bit of nervousness.

To add icing to the cake, in the past week I have also been asked to be featured in an Australian publication (Urban Animal), was offered space for TWO exhibitions (when I only asked for one), was invited to be a part of a dog-lovers gourmet dining event (yes, this stuff really happens) next Wednesday (which I originally could not afford to do, but was graciously offered a huge discount just because they wanted me!), and was asked to be included in an upcoming book being published by Harper Collins (and it looks incredible!).

Needless to say, I have been fluctuating quite profoundly between deep happiness and deep sadness. Singers often strive for a broad vocal range. When I think of life in terms of a singer's voice, I feel very lucky and very much alive. I feel love, sadness, gratitude, excitement, fear, joy... and, these days, I feel it to the nth degree. I suppose it shouldn't come as any surprise to me that I should end up with one doozy of a headache.

Anyway, congratulations if you made it through this post in its entirety. I wish for you a beautiful day filled with enough love to make you feel as though you are brimming over the edges.

I am thankful for you. I am thankful for this platform, from which we are able to share our stories.

The cloud photo was taken from the parking ramp of the
hospital after visiting my aunt before she is sent home.
This is what love, sadness, life, death, and gratitude looks like.

A deep breath of infinity.

~

gifts.

I just received Melba's book, Creating in the Midst, in the mail today. I am nearly giddy with joy for what she has created! Yep, that's my desk today. A pile of my life with a wonderful gift smack dab in the middle of it all. I am looking forward to blogging about the journey that will begin on July 6th. Perfect timing. I am soooo very ready for this. My life feels a bit chaotic at the moment and so I'm glad that this group will provide me a reason to open up some breathing space for myself. I'm tempted to read it this very moment! But have decided to save it for a moment when I can savor really savor it--which I've already promised myself will be tonight. I am looking forward to carving out a peaceful moment this evening to soak up Melba's book.

So much is happening on a weekly (and even daily!) basis. I remember when I used to make it a point to blog every day. Now I am just shooting for the goal of once a week! Oh, but I have much to say. Soon, I hope to catch up soon.

In the meantime, you can purchase a book of your own on Melba's Etsy here.

this is how jessie rambles....

I'm sure that I shouldn't be on the computer right now because there is a thunderstorm outside. What is it about thunderstorms that are so conducive to blogging? Well, mostly I'm here because it has been a long several days of painting the alphabet. I've been working on a commission that I should have finished a month ago, but set the deadline back to match the delayed payment. This worked out well for me because I was able to shift my energies towards focusing on defending my thesis, the dog event, and 2 more dog commissions--but now I'm scrambling to finish in time! Hmmm...what would I do without deadlines? Well, I would probably do lots of things, but I must admit, deadlines are good medicine for pumping things into high gear.

Strangely enough, I've been enjoying this alphabet commission much more than I thought I would. To give a recap on the project, I'm doing a grid of 25 canvases that all together will measure 7 1/2 feet by 7 1/2 feet. Since it takes me nearly an entire day to paint each canvas (or more), I am realizing that I sorely undercharged for this job. For some reason I'm ok with this though (live and learn). I've been enjoying pushing richly colored paint around on the canvas so much that I tend to forget myself. Not to mention, they will soon become prints and cards.

Needless to say, I have letters and colors and words swimming around my head like there's no tomorrow. Yesterday I worked on the letter "R." According to Vinny, the letter R is the most powerful letter in spoken language (along with "O"). Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrright! I believe it. Today was the letters "B" and "E." Also powerful letters because they spell "BE." And isn't that what we're all really striving for? To BE.

It was time to come up for a breather though. I have been working so intensely that all of a sudden I found myself with a fairly deep need to connect. Painting causes me to get really introspective, but I'm beginning to find that I want/need to balance my introspection with opportunities to connect with other living, breathing beings. Sure, the dogs are good conversationalists, but uh....

Yeah, so anyway, it is storming outside. My little cat, Viscosa has her nose peeking out the window smelling the air. My other cat, dear old thing, is asleep at my feet. I've been offered another feature, this time in July's issue of Edge Life and my email's in-box is being inundated by causes/groups/clubs that are hoping for a donation as well as events that need registration. I wish I had more money, because then I could do everything. But then I remind myself that this is a process. I've started to rely on my feelings to tell me what I should do for each circumstance. I recently learned this from my good friend Kristine when we were discussing how to price art. She said: "Go with what feels right." Turns out that her advise is applicable to almost anything. What she meant by that statement was to go with a decision that leaves you feeling good about what you're doing. If you eventually feel resentment over the time and energy you put into something, then you didn't ask for enough (or gave yourself away too freely). On the other side of the coin, in my book, the only time a price is too high (when selling or working) is when you can't find anyone willing to pay what you're asking. That's not to say that I'm not concerned about pricing appropriately (I'm still only pricing at the bottom-mid range of the average). But one thing I've had ample time to think about is what my time is worth.

It makes me sad to see so many women underpricing (ie undervaluing) themselves--whether it is their art, their knowledge, their time, their work...whatever. I've been that woman most of my life and am only now starting to see how this has held me back in so many ways. I see this sense of undervaluing a lot on Etsy and it is one of the reasons it took me so long to jump on board. All I know is that I don't want to work my ass off for the rest of my life so that I can barely get by. I don't want to live that way anymore. Yes, it's another process...but I'm ready to start valuing myself more. This has taken a bit of gumption, but I'm willing to stick to my guns and wait it out if necessary. Risk number 3,789. Will there ever be an end to these risks? Ok, life might get boring without them, but I would prefer to transfer my risk taking away from financial matters and direct them instead towards, say, travel.

Speaking of Kristine, you must go check out her latest work. Holy cats, that woman's work blows me away. To infuse little pieces of metal with so much LIFE ENERGY! How does she do it? I would love to sit inside her brain while she creates and imagines the people that inhabit her sculptures. What if we all saw ourselves as beautiful as Kristine's creations? Somehow I think her work makes this world a better place.

~

Featured.

I've just spent the night trying to decide on what images to include for an article. Oy! This is not an easy task. Remember that interview that I mentioned? Well, it's for a full page feature article in the fall issue of Modern Dog. Someone please pinch me! Is this for real?! Ok, ok...so it's just an article, but I can't help it. I'm so excited that I am nearly jumping out of my skin! Yesterday, after I got off the phone, I took the dogs for an extra long walk down to the lake. The sun was shining and the world was even more alive and interesting than usual. I kid you not, I felt like I might smile to death!

You know, it's funny, but with every success (however big or small) I notice myself expanding my goals accordingly. It's a process though--one that won't allow me to skip over any experiences. It feels like expansion. And expansion feels like growth. And growth feels like breath. And breath feels like love. And love feels like smiling. And smiling feels like happiness. And happiness feels good.

*photo of a painting in progress in my new "outdoor studio."

~

breathing space...

After a late breakfast of cheese omelets and sunshine, Vinny and I loaded up the car with dogs and maps and two mochas to go...and headed out of the city and into the country. A loooooong way into the country.

We went to go look at a house. Not just any house, mind you, but a farm house.

Can I imagine myself living in a farm house, miles and miles from the city? Well, yes, I can...but only if the beautiful shed behind that house is renovated into the most incredible studio imaginable (like the one I have perfectly designed and constructed in my mind).

The house...is a fixer-upper (and I mean that in all sense of the word) but, oh, the potential is there.

And the sky...offers enough breathing space to last an entire lifetime.

Halfway down the driveway we stopped, turned off the car, and listened. Silence. Absolute. That is, except for the sounds of birds and the wind blowing through open windows. The air smelled sweet.

We smiled and, on the way home, imagined star-filled nights, fireflies, and happy dogs.

Remember that scene in Cast Away, you know, that movie with Tom Hanks as a FedEx employee?... well, I keep thinking of the scene at the end of the movie when he goes to deliver the unopened package to the artist who lives beyond the crossroads. In my imagination, I'm that artist, but instead of creating metal works, I get to be a pet portrait artist instead. Never mind about Tom Hanks, I just love that woman's set-up! I have no idea why any of this feels even remotely glamorous or familiar to me, but in a way it kind of does.

The sky reminds me of my old place. But everything else is like nothing I've ever quite experienced before.

Who knows. But I do like dreaming...

~

living larger...

These past couple weeks I've been trying to figure out a routine for myself and noticing that I waste a lot of time--most of it in front of the computer. I've been reading about Virtual Assistants and also Jame Aurthur Ray's Harmonic Wealth. Melba once wrote that the self-help section should be retitled to something like self-growth. I can't remember her exact words, but I agree with the concept. Self-help assumes that there is something wrong that needs to be fixed when, in reality, I couldn't be happier--I'm just trying to maximize my happiness to its fullest potential.

Ray's book is based on a lot of Law of Attraction concepts and is very similar to Barbara Stanny's Secrets of Six Figure Women. His language contains a bit too much flare and cynicism...but looking beyond these flaws, what I'm mostly getting out of this book is a big kick in the butt. That is, he has made me realize how I'm successfully self-sabotaging myself with my growing ability to procrastinate.

Don't get me wrong, I work hard and I work a lot (why do I somehow think this makes me a better person?). But how much of that time is actually spent hitting the refresh button on my blog, emails, and etsys? How much of that time is spent being distracted by the dogs or the phone or housework? It's quite ridiculous, actually. But these are the things that I seem to do best in my most inefficient glory.

I've been fighting with myself over making a schedule (even just a loose schedule) for the past 3 weeks now. I don't want my new schedule to look like my old schedule (full of stress, rigidness, and endless work, work, work)...yet I DO want a schedule that offers me enough structure to keep me on task and moving forward, yet time enough to let my hair blow freely in the wind once in awhile. Is this even possible?

This process has caused me to ask myself a few questions, such as:

• What is holding me back from what I want to do the most? And how/why do I let it happen?
  
• What are my priorities, really?
• How can I shift my day (and energy) around to make sure those priorities aren't taken over by lesser important tasks and procrastination?
• What's keeping me from becoming my best self?
• Are my actions (and non-actions) a form of self-sabotage? And, if so, why am I doing that?
• What can I do for myself?

Although all these questions are important to me right now, I have to admit, I like the last question the most. That one I hadn't thought of until just now, as I'm writing. What can I do for myself...to be successful, to feel good, to be satisfied, to feel rested, accomplished, to move forward, to live from a place of purpose?

Two words keep returning to me. They are:

1. Priorities.
2. Intention.

I need to prioritize what means the most to me--and then I need to create days that allow those priorities to come first. Time to paint is one of those priorities that gets pushed to the back burner on a regular basis. That doesn't make much sense considering that painting is my biggest money maker right now. So why do I let it get pushed aside? There are books upon books written on this subject alone and I could probably write another one (hmmm...maybe I will)...

Ok, so I've decided to start getting honest with myself. One aspect of that means that I had to admit to myself that, now that the weather has gotten nice, I've been avoiding the basement (where my studio is located). Who wants to hang out in a fluorescent lit basement when there's a whole world of green grass, flowers, birds, fresh air, and sunshine?? Not me.

So yesterday I took my first step in setting myself up for success and bought myself a table easel so that I could move my studio outside. OMG! I painted for nearly 10 hours!! Granted, life can't be all frolicsome, but why not make it more enjoyable when you can?

This dog never leaves my side.

Louie's favorite game is to hide under my painting apron and then "surprise" me. He thinks this is great fun.

Anyway, as of yesterday, I've broadened my studio space by a million. I like painting under a canopy of trees. I forget myself.

As for my unresolved self-sabotaging ways...well, these are things I'm interested in figuring out about myself. I'm finding that it's those little tiny niggly little things that are the biggest culprits in holding a person back. They add up quickly and have a keen ability to stop growth dead in its tracks.

I want to be my best self--inside and out. Granted, I've got a long ways to go, but despite frustrations I am really starting to like this journey.

Here's some James Aurthur Ray quotes that have resonated with me (not to mention, they'd make good fortune cookie or Yogi tea quotes):

• "It's already created. You just have to align with it" (53).
• "Be the success you seek" (68).
• "To have more you must be more. If your intention is big enough, then you must grow to meet the size if that idea" (66).
• "It was Einstein who so wisely stated that we can't find the solutions to our problems with the same level of thinking that created the problems"(82).
• "Take yourself and your desires seriously and live your values" (72).

And my favorite:

• "Don't wish for an easier life. Wish to be at your finest" (63).
  

By the way, I saw a psychic while I was in NYC. She was at a street fair. I paid her $10 to read my palm and she told me that success would come to me in July. I don't care if she knew what she was talking about or not. I feel a huge sense of relief in believing her. I mean, what if everything we believe came true? Good or bad. Because, in a way, I think that it does.

And you know what? Every time I spend time painting something good happens. Last night I got an email from a writer for Modern Dog. I'm being interviewed next week! For what, I'm not sure. Maybe a feature article?? I don't know, but whatever it is, I'm excited about it! :)

~

lovin' a whole lotta NEWNESS!

I'm happy to announce that my new
Stray Dog Arts Etsy is open for business!

• Greeting cards
• Prints
• Originals
• and Gift Certificates are available!

And when you're done shopping, head down to your local bookstore for a copy of Bark magazine and check out my new ad! Ooooh! I'm nearly giddy with excitement! I love Bark. A magazine where canine, literary, and inquisitive love collide!


My next endeavor is to learn how the hell to keep tabs on myself. Anyone have suggestions for programs/books/information on record keeping, project management, and accounting? I need a system...this coming from someone who barely balances her checkbook! :)-

Welcome to my new life, in all its chaotic glory! :)
With love and big fat kisses,
j.

ps.
Prints have been added to my old Patch of Sky Etsy as well. Another new line of prints and greeting cards will be on its way soon!

~

I {Heart} NY...(ie. Inspiration City)

Hmmm....where to begin? I've just returned from a trip to New York City and I don't even know where to start! I went there on vacation with my sister, mom, and grandma--the first trip of its kind. We survived the four days together and, dare I say, we even had fun doing it! Well, actually, we had lots of fun. NYC is a walker's paradise, but even more so, it is an ARTIST'S PARADISE! I'm not sure I've ever been so inspired by a particular place. Holy wonderful! I spent the entire 4 days that we were there gathering inspirations for future projects. 3 projects, to be exact. And now my hands are just itching to get to my paint brushes!


A couple weeks ago, after an (always) incredible telephone conversation with Fiona, I decided that from now on, when presented with options, I will always choose the more adventurous route. I decided this one afternoon while standing in a coffee shop ordering iced tea. I love how our little lessons in life have the ability to make themselves known in those non-extraordinary daily moments. On that particular day I chose mango tea over Irish Breakfast...no big deal, right? Having never tried mango tea before, I was happily surprised...and that's when it hit me. That's when I decided to always take the more adventurous option--no matter how big or small. As I drove away with my cup of iced tea in hand I felt another shift, an opening up, a sense of possibility, that singing-heart sort of feeling. And I must say that, in my book, there is no better feeling than that of singing-heart-open-to-possibility sensation! Perhaps that is what has always drawn me to adventure...but adventure has been one value that I've sorely neglected these past couple years. But you know what? It feels good to have woken up to it once again.

I carried this rekindled adventurous life philosophy all the way to New York with me and am totally fired up by it! :) You see, I carry this "little-ol'-me" view of myself. It's the "I'm-a-Nobody Syndrome." I have a feeling that all too many of us have this problem, but since it doesn't get anyone anywhere, why hold on to it?

I've been noticing something about myself. You see, I've been observing myself when in action (and non-action, as is sometimes the case) and it is so OBVIOUS that I shine more brightly when I live from my center. Actually, I've been noticing that about a lot of people. I know where my center is by the way I feel. If I get an idea and it makes me buzz with excitement, then I know I'm on to something. When I ignore those ideas, I go flat. I get tired, depressed, cranky. When I pursue inspiring thoughts, this energy has a snowball effect and I am met by positivity, inside and out. I'm talking about my experiences here, but the same thing is true for ALL of us. This amazes the hell out of me! We are ALL capable of SO MUCH! Every single one of us! And this thought inspires me beyond all get-out! I love thinking about the ways that each of us can create our own successes if we just get out of own way! :)

I spent a large portion the past four days wandering the streets and taking photos of New York's City's dogs (among other things!). I have never met such an incredibly intelligent and socialized population of canines! Needless to say, I was nervous about asking for a photo every single time. I mean, who am I? I'm just a ridiculous small-town weirdo with a camera, right? Ok...but leaving the view of myself at that would have gotten me nowhere, so I put the thought aside for a second (tip: a second is usually all it takes to dive past any fear), told the person about my project, and asked if I could take a photo of their dog. Every single time I was met with such enthusiasm, respect, and gratitude!!! It was down-right weird! :) Why would anyone care about me or what I'm doing in such a big city?? At least that's the conception I was carrying around about myself. I'm glad I decided to set those thoughts aside long enough to be happily surprised.




Now that I'm home I look forward to turning some of these ideas into tangible form. I spent part of the morning searching Craigslist for an affordable studio apartment in Greenwich Village. I can't afford it yet--but "yet" is the operative word here. I'm on a mission to get back to New York so that I can finish what I've started. I don't doubt that it may take some time, but I'll keep you posted on my results. Miracles happen. ;)

In the meantime, I'm off to my back yard "studio" with paint brushes, paper, and strong coffee to get started on materializing my recent inspirations.


Here's to ridiculous amounts love, happiness, and adventurous vision!! :)

~

I'm off to NYC...See ya on the flip side!

I'll return to my sorely neglected blog on Tuesday. That is, unless I find a computer and a little bit of alone time. ;)

Mmmwwaaa! Sending kisses to you, my friends! :)

image credits: wikipedia

~

Mama-love...

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!

I've decided that there is nothing better than love.
No matter what form it takes.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL YOU WONDERFUL MAMAs!!!

~

island dogs and gauguin dreams...

I just finished this painting in memory of "Lu," a stray island dog that was found and adopted in Florida. Commissioned for a mother's day present, I completed the portrait with just enough time for it to dry and then be delivered this Saturday.

I never met Lu, but I can tell by her eyes that she was one incredibly intelligent dog--and I liked her from the moment I laid eyes on the photos. Lu seems like one of those once-in-a-life-time sort of dogs. It's obvious why her family misses her. I would too.

But there's something interesting about painting dogs, even when the portrait is in memory of a loved soul. I had fun painting Lu. It felt like I was painting her back to life. Oh, if only it were possible!

One of the reasons I enjoyed this commission so much is because of Lu's story. Being an island dog, I couldn't help but think of my favorite Paul Gauguin paintings and his imperfectly written memoir, Noa Noa. I came across it while working on my art degree and that little book swallowed me whole. At that point I was already fairly obsessed with Gauguin's life and work, but I fell in love with the book because, even though it wasn't very well written, it was fascinating. Maybe I fell in love with the book BECAUSE it wasn't very well written (but was fascinating anyway). I think that's when I learned the importance of telling our stories--no matter what our level of writerly talent might be.

Painting Lu woke up a side of me that had started to fade away. She woke up the part of me that is curious about the many stories there are to listen to or tell. She has made me think about those sacred colors that live below the surface of our day to day lives. She made me start dreaming about far-away places (India, I miss you!). She made me think about my own story and how I might live it to its furthest reaches. Painting this portrait of Lu has caused me to amp up the color of my dreams.




I think I've found a new love for island dogs. These little experiences, what if we truly let them lead us to whatever is next?

~

new

Yesterday I received a very special gift in the mail. After seeing a necklace that Suzie made, I asked her if I could commission a piece of my own. Let me just say that the power she infused this necklace with takes my breath away. It is not an ordinary piece of jewelery, but is an absolute gift of magic.

Something really powerful happened to me after defending my thesis this past Friday. I experienced a shift. You know that feeling you get on a molecular level that causes your whole world to forever be altered? I was on highway 94 when it happened. I had both hands loosely on the steering wheel; it was raining, and I was leaning slightly forward with a smile on my face completely and utterly turned on by the world and everything around me. Never mind that the sky was grey and threatening to turn into snow. Never mind a lot of things. I was happy and completely present--and for the first time in my life I felt like a woman. Not a girl, but a woman.

Granted, I'm 33 years old and maybe I should have started feeling like a woman a long time ago. But, you see, I've been a daughter, a student, an employee, an underdog for so long that I had never really experienced the full power of my woman-ness.

In my teens and early 20's I was so completely ME. I didn't care what other people thought. I was independent. I was fearless. I was also relatively young. Somewhere along the line, to an extent, I lost the best parts of myself. As a student, adult daughter, and employee I started seeking all the same things: approval, respect, praise, admiration. And I now see how, in the process, I lost little pieces of myself, bit by bit. I allowed my confidence to get rubbed down. I gave away my fire and grace. I replaced some of my favorite qualities with a lowered sense of self-worth. But in these past several months I've started to understand something about the ways that waiting for approval can hold a person back in some seriously disabling ways.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the ways that I've limited myself. I've been trying to understand what happens inside of me when I feel less than capable or less than beautiful or less then anything. What, exactly, happens in the moment that I quit trusting my true self? What is the sensation? What is the trigger?

The day before defending my thesis I met up with my dad for a quick hello. He neglected to wish me good luck or really even acknowledge my accomplishments in any way. In the moment of lamely saying goodbye I felt heart broken and invisible, yet again. But you know what? As I walked away I realized something important: it no longer needs to matter. I can't change him. I can't make him care. And if he does, I can't make him show it. Most importantly, I realized that it is a waste of energy to try and prove myself to him or anyone. Because I've wasted a lot of energy doing that for too many people. I'll still have a relationship with my dad, but from here on out it is going to be on different terms. I'm no longer going to vie for his praise or approval. I'm no longer going to do that for anyone.

After leaving the defense I went out for lunch with one of my professors and she said: "You know, Jessie, you've changed. You're not the same person that you were before." And the funny thing is that I feel like a different person. I feel it from the inside out, and the outside in.

My point is this: I am no longer the same person that I was. I cannot explain it. I cannot describe it. But all I know is that something very important has shifted somewhere deep inside of me. For the first time in my adult life I feel like I am completely and absolutely me.

These days, my life feels like it has caught on fire. I feel empowered and strong. I feel fearless and am hungry for adventure in a way that I have not been in a very long time. Something has shifted and now there is no going back. I am learning and growing and am still scared as hell on a regular basis. But I also feel more capable, willing, daring. Suzie made this necklace with the intention of bringing fire, vitality and joy into my life. I put it around my neck knowing this and feel grateful for the power radiating from her creation. Should I forget any of the lessons I've learned, this necklace is surely a beautiful reminder.

This past week my aunt has been staying with my husband and I while she receives outpatient treatments for Luekemia. She's been in the hospital for the past 4 months and will return for another 3 months beginning next week. I have spent the past several days making sure she is ok and feeling comfortable. I have been sitting in a hospital watching dozens of cancer patients (some just babies and children) and their families doing whatever they need to do just to get through it. My aunt amazes me to extremes. This morning, while sitting on couch, she received the phone call that her own mom died last night--also from cancer. Yesterday, while sitting in the hospital, I received a call that Clara, my adopted grandma, passed away. I keep thinking about Patry Francis and the way she is open to life--it's beauties and pains--with such intensity and love. It is humbling and empowering all at once.

Today I am grateful for the magnificently fierce women in my life. They teach me not to be afraid of transformation. These brilliant butterflies--I am grateful for all of them, including you--my beautiful, strong friends.

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face." ~Eleanore Roosevelt

Read more about Suzie's pendant on her blog. Her story makes me love my new necklace even more!

~