meditative time, revisited.

I've come to the conclusion that it's absolutely necessary that I treat myself with a little bit of love and kindness these days. I don't mean to sound self-centered, but I get the feeling that, if I don't, I will veer dangerously close to having a melt-down. These days, I suppose it's a common syndrome for many. I'm tempted to whine about how incredibly complicated my familial life has become, but for right now I think it's best if I just set it aside.

Actually, I've come to the conclusion that it would be best for me to set several things aside--at least for the time being. See that photo to the left? That is the cup of tea that I have decided to drink before I have to go to work. Notice that it is not caffeinated. I am taking my cue from the tea's name and have chosen to appreciate a moment of meditative time for myself rather than trying to crash my way through the to-do list that sits to the left of my elbow. The tea tastes good--and it tastes even better because I'm drinking it out of the double-walled Bodum cup that I so frivolously spent some of my birthday money on. I love these cups for their simplicity. They are so clean, uncluttered, and beautiful--I thought I might incorporate some of that into my life, if nothing else, in the form of a cup.

Yesterday I had an early a.m. car appointment for an oil change and maintenance. I'll tell you, I was actually looking foward to it. I was sitting in the lobby with a cup of coffee, totally lost in the pages of my journal and, an hour later, when they came to tell me that my car was ready, I was actually disappointed they had finished so quickly. I said to the woman: "Already?! But this is the most peace I've had in weeks!" We laughed, but honestly, I wish I could have stayed there all day.

One of the things I wrote about was the little piece of paper that I recently stumbled upon. I had written a random thought that read:

The snake taught
me to hold my
chin up and to stand
strong despite extreme
discomfort, fear,
and pain.

I was referring to the snake dream I had at the very beginning of the Be Brave Project and, you know, I had no idea that these words would remain so important to me, even now. Speaking of dreams, I have been having many meaningful dreams lately. By meaningful I mean that they speak directly to the thoughts I've been carrying around inside of me, but have not been able to truly focus on, cope with, or make sense of in my waking life.

Last night I had a dream that I was in school. In the dream I couldn't stop laughing and even though I knew it was rude, I just couldn't stop myself. The teacher asked me, politely, to please leave. I apologized to her on my way out, but was happy to go. In my dream I was at the Catholic school that I went to as a child. I left the cafeteria and found myself in the hallway and then went up the stone steps and outside. I sat around outside for awhile watching some dog trainers with their dogs which is when I realized that I could quit school if I wanted to and not go back. I liked my teacher and I liked school. But I much preferred the feeling of laughter. I felt so much freer the moment I made the decision that I was done and that, by doing so, I was making room for the next step in my life.

There is an easy interpretation to this dream in that, I spent a large chunk of my morning journaling about the idea that "when you allow your connection, you thrive. When you do not allow your connection, you do not thrive" (Ask and It is Given 104). I've been asking myself how I might allow my connection to thrive and the first thought that came to my mind was to quit my job so that I might better work from a place of pure and positive intention rather than unhappiness. Unfortunately, it is time for work and my bills will not allow for a clean slate to manifest itself in exactly that way.

Ok...but I'll have to save the rest of my thoughts for another day. In the meantime, thank you everyone for your comments in my last post. Gah. Some days just suck. But your words definitely had a soothing effect. ;)