Saturday, December 15, 2007

blue.

I can't seem to get my act together these days. Or, rather, no matter how together my act is, I can't seem to catch up with myself. I suppose this is true for a lot of us these days. The holidays are busy for everyone.

One thing that I've neglected to write about here on my blog is that my dad is getting remarried next weekend. Next weekend? Wow. I haven't written about it here because I'm quite certain that the internet isn't exactly the space in which to untangle my thoughts on the topic. Needless to say, I haven't really given myself the time that I should to think about it at all. I'm not one to evade my emotions, but when it comes to my relationship with my dad, I'm not even really sure where to start...but, like I said, I just don't feel up to trying to figure it out in front of an audience. You know what I mean?

Anyway, there's this huge event looming ahead and all I know is that I feel like an alien visiting a foreign country--a stranger in a strange land.

I've been absent from my blog these days because I can't seem to write because of this vast and frustrating inability to make sense of anything. I get home from work and running errands and doing the zillion things that need to get done and there's just nothing left of me. Half the things running around in my head aren't exactly blog-friendly (work and family). I try to write in my journal and I think I'd be better off, not writing, but scribbling...which is what I sometimes end up doing.

This is all starting to sound horribly depressing, isn't it. Well, it's not all bad. I mean, my relationship with my dad is mending. I love my dogs. And the sky, lately, has contained a lot of blue. But I'll tell you: I miss long walks. I miss sitting down to correspond with my friends. I miss my paints and words and time to think. I miss those little moments that used to exist in so much abundance--because, these days, I've been barely swimming from one day to the next. Existing, but only on the surface.

Things will get easier, I know they will; but the question is: when?

20 comments:

JuliAnna said...

the answer is: soon. soon enough. hold on.

Loralee Choate said...

We've talked so I have a bit of understanding about what this event brings. I also understand that there are things that aren't for the internet (But don't you WISH THEY WERE!)

HUGS, HUGS, HUGS.

Bohemian Mom said...

This is a chaotic time of year. And with chaotic happenings and activities to tend to, it gets overwhelming.
I felt in my last blog post, I let too much of "myself" out there for people to read.
Yay for the privacy of our journals! Scribble away....it'll all calm down soon.
xo

swampgrrl said...

sending you hugs and my wishes that you will love yourself ... even now ... even during this.

Maddie said...

I am giving you a big
smooshy hug sweetie:)

soon you will have time ~ a really
perfect day to stay in your
pajamas all day and sip coffee and
maybe even eat one of Vinny's pies
and walk the dogs in the woods and
paint into the wee hours of the
night:)

hugs!

Laura B. said...

Wow, Jessie - such a lot is going on for you right now. I hope all ends up okay, and I will pray for strength for you :)

Kikipotamus said...

I'm sending you peaceful rest time vibes. Things will calm down again.

Sharon said...

This time of the year is difficult for many people, me included. And it sounds like with your dad's upcoming wedding, you have much more to deal with than most of us.
Give yourself a break if you can. Even a small one in the middle of all this 'busy-ness'. Grab a cup of your favorite hot beverage, snuggle up in a warm robe, have a box of tissues ready and let it out...
Hugs!!!!!!

Tori said...

Hang in there and be gentle with yourself.

Tammy said...

Sending vibes of joy and peace.

HUGS

Leah said...

i hear ya sweet-pants. this too will pass. and if you need to vent, rant, or just process out loud the stuff with your dad and his re-marriage, feel free to give me a ring or an email. having had a rough relationship with my dad in the past and seeing my parents get re-married, i can understand what a weird time this must be for you! xoxox

deelovelee said...

I hear what you're saying - because I'm having a parent issue too. Things will definitely get easier soon. There's a week between Christmas and New Years that I plan to sit and paint and do little else, and I can't wait!!! xo

The Dream said...

I understand not wanting to go through the entire deal of your relationship with your dad, but the fact that you mentioned the mending of the relationship is cool. "Where there is breath, there's HOPE."
Hang on and hang in there ... and try to find time to walk the pooches!

Anonymous said...

ohhh I hear you! (I posted a grinch post last week, tis the season)

Be gentle with yourself-- this will pass-- it's probably the healthiest thing you could do to just own your "I feel rotten" emotions right now-- that way they come to the surface and will move on that much sooner

here's wishing they are gone asap!!

~bluepoppy

kj said...

ride the horse in the direction she's going, jessie. just ride her. remember: it beats numb everytime.

:)

donna said...

Hey, all you have to do is show up for the wedding - it will be fine, really.

That's what I tell myself whenever I get anxious lately - it will be fine, really...

Fiona said...

sending you love and kindness. Fiona x

Krista said...

Oh sister- I don't know when either. I hope it is SOON.

Froyd said...

are you and vinny going to be at the wedding? I'll hope to see you there!

Amber said...

love, love, love... to you.

((hugs))

:)