it is my first day off in what feels like a long time and i am contentedly sitting in front of my window watching the rain. it has been a week of incredible weather and hard work. my body is tired and my muscles are sore. the rain feels good after so much sun--the clouds say, "come here by the window, now it is time to rest." i've lit ylang ylang and amber scented candles, poured myself a cup of coffee in a favorite cup, picked up the clutter that seems to have accumulated over the course of the week...and now, *deep contented sigh*, i will spend the next several hours writing.
i'll tell you one of the reasons i am stuck in week 8 (uncovering a sense of truth)...and that is because i am still processing the truths that i am finally coming to terms with.
what are those truths? well...
- i don't have time to keep up with all the blogs that i would like to read. even though i wish i could read and comment on every post of every person on my bloglines list...i can't do it. working full time, doing side-jobs, and trying to write my thesis does not allow me the time to keep up. not to mention, i need to sleep and would really love to read a book or two that i have had stacked next to my bed for several months now. which leads to number 2...
- finishing my thesis is more important to me than anything else right now. it is still necessary for me to maintain a balance between marriage, work, friendship, art, downtime, ect...but i am beginning to realize that if i want to finish my thesis, something has to give. unfortunately, for a little while, i think it is going to have to be the time i put into trying to keep up with the 100+ blogs that i'm always trying to read (and the guilt i end up feeling when i'm not able to). which leads to number 3...
- i have begun to realize that the simple truth is that i can only accomplish so much in a day. i am in love with hard work and am willing to give myself the extra push needed to accomplish my goals...but i also need to learn when i've done enough for the day. in other words, i need to learn how to be a bit more gentle on myself. this often makes me think of the folk tale about the turtle and the hare. i accomplish more (creatively) when i move at the slow and steady pace of a turtle. and so this is where learning how to approach my projects with gentleness would do me some good.
working outside at a physically demanding job has been good for me on so many levels. i feel a new sense of calm that i haven't felt since before i entered college some 7 years ago. in 1999 i built my own house out in the country. i wore a tool belt, worked outside, climbed ladders and scaffolding, operated power tools, hauled lumber. by the end of the day, i was happily exhausted. it was one of the best times of my life. i feel like i have returned to that state of mind--and it feels good.
in my mind, week 8 and 9 of finding water have somehow melded together. truth and perspective--they are two notions that go well together.
this week i did my morning pages 7 out of 7 days. my artist's date was short, but just what i needed--a half hour spent swinging on the big-enough-for-adults swing set at a nearby playground lifted my mood to the nth degree and left me feeling totally reenergized (you are never too old for this!). and of course, long walks with my wolfie are a constant.
this past week we almost got a house. we almost got a car. and we almost got a puppy. the timing was not right this week, but i'm not worried because i am quite positive that what this translates into is: we are about to get a house; we are going to get another car; and we are on the verge of finding the perfect canine friend, the one that we've been looking for. all in good time. these days, i feel like our patience will pay off. patience and perseverance have been a big part of these past couple weeks.
of course, "week 10: uncovering a sense of safety" comes with good timing. my heart feels tender lately...and, these days, i'm learning how to protect those vulnerable parts of myself. i've built a soft structure around the tender spots--a shelter to help me move through this important time with grace. this is my time of healing--and that healing seems to be happening through both hard work and gentleness. funny how one comes with the other--it seems to be a package deal.