Sunday, April 22, 2007

{checking in} looking back at week 9: uncovering a sense of perspective.

ok...so this post is being written a little bit late...not to mention, i haven't really arrived at week 9 quite yet considering i still have one foot stuck in week 8 (uncovering a sense of truth).

it is my first day off in what feels like a long time and i am contentedly sitting in front of my window watching the rain. it has been a week of incredible weather and hard work. my body is tired and my muscles are sore. the rain feels good after so much sun--the clouds say, "come here by the window, now it is time to rest." i've lit ylang ylang and amber scented candles, poured myself a cup of coffee in a favorite cup, picked up the clutter that seems to have accumulated over the course of the week...and now, *deep contented sigh*, i will spend the next several hours writing.

i'll tell you one of the reasons i am stuck in week 8 (uncovering a sense of truth)...and that is because i am still processing the truths that i am finally coming to terms with.
what are those truths? well...
  1. i don't have time to keep up with all the blogs that i would like to read. even though i wish i could read and comment on every post of every person on my bloglines list...i can't do it. working full time, doing side-jobs, and trying to write my thesis does not allow me the time to keep up. not to mention, i need to sleep and would really love to read a book or two that i have had stacked next to my bed for several months now. which leads to number 2...
  2. finishing my thesis is more important to me than anything else right now. it is still necessary for me to maintain a balance between marriage, work, friendship, art, downtime, ect...but i am beginning to realize that if i want to finish my thesis, something has to give. unfortunately, for a little while, i think it is going to have to be the time i put into trying to keep up with the 100+ blogs that i'm always trying to read (and the guilt i end up feeling when i'm not able to). which leads to number 3...
  3. i have begun to realize that the simple truth is that i can only accomplish so much in a day. i am in love with hard work and am willing to give myself the extra push needed to accomplish my goals...but i also need to learn when i've done enough for the day. in other words, i need to learn how to be a bit more gentle on myself. this often makes me think of the folk tale about the turtle and the hare. i accomplish more (creatively) when i move at the slow and steady pace of a turtle. and so this is where learning how to approach my projects with gentleness would do me some good.
ok...now that i've said that, i guess i can move on to "week 9: uncovering a sense of perspective." I keep reminding myself that doing just a little bit every day will add up. i usually don't get home until 8pm...and that only leaves me a few hours before i run out of steam--crash and burn style. often i sit down thinking that i will write an entire essay in the 2 hours i have after working a long day--and, duh, it never works out that way. i need to remember that even just a few paragraphs a night will amount to something by the end of the week.

working outside at a physically demanding job has been good for me on so many levels. i feel a new sense of calm that i haven't felt since before i entered college some 7 years ago. in 1999 i built my own house out in the country. i wore a tool belt, worked outside, climbed ladders and scaffolding, operated power tools, hauled lumber. by the end of the day, i was happily exhausted. it was one of the best times of my life. i feel like i have returned to that state of mind--and it feels good.

in my mind, week 8 and 9 of finding water have somehow melded together. truth and perspective--they are two notions that go well together.

this week i did my morning pages 7 out of 7 days. my artist's date was short, but just what i needed--a half hour spent swinging on the big-enough-for-adults swing set at a nearby playground lifted my mood to the nth degree and left me feeling totally reenergized (you are never too old for this!). and of course, long walks with my wolfie are a constant.

this past week we almost got a house. we almost got a car. and we almost got a puppy. the timing was not right this week, but i'm not worried because i am quite positive that what this translates into is: we are about to get a house; we are going to get another car; and we are on the verge of finding the perfect canine friend, the one that we've been looking for. all in good time. these days, i feel like our patience will pay off. patience and perseverance have been a big part of these past couple weeks.

of course, "week 10: uncovering a sense of safety" comes with good timing. my heart feels tender lately...and, these days, i'm learning how to protect those vulnerable parts of myself. i've built a soft structure around the tender spots--a shelter to help me move through this important time with grace. this is my time of healing--and that healing seems to be happening through both hard work and gentleness. funny how one comes with the other--it seems to be a package deal.

16 comments:

The Dream said...

balance. it's always about balance, isn't it? thank you for your supportive and loving comment on my blog, jessie. i am grateful to know you through the group - big time!

martha said...

I always wanted to build my own house. YOu are an inspration to me!
I know what you mean about too many blogs-but I love you all so much how can I quilt? well I do not have to write a thesis....stay in touch when you can.hugs from the beach!

Paula said...

I understand what you say about not being able to read and comment on every blog and that it is time to take a break there, so I want to thank you for all the times you took the time and effort to do that at my blog. Thanks. :)

Jessie said...

thank you for your comments! martha and paula, i just want you to know that i'm not quitting my habit of reading your blogs (no way!), i might just slow down a little bit (for the next few weeks anyway). hopefully everyone will understand my occassional absences from their blogs. the thing is that i could read and comment on blogs all day long, but uhhh, yeah...then i'd never finish this damn thesis! :)-

bee said...

i'm feeling kind of frazzled myself sop i'm going to leave the OODLES of things i want to say for a later email, but let me just send my OODLES of love to you anyway.

i love you, sweetpea. forever and ever and ever. you're the bestest.

Jamie said...

Oh, Jessie, you are such an inspiration! Do what you need to do to get that thesis done. I am standing at the finish line waving you on! You can do this.

And holy cow, girl, you built a house! Can I tell you how much that impresses me? If I could suddenly be imbued with a superpower it would be handyman/contractor skills of which I have zero.

I know how you feel about keeping up with blogs. I've been out of the loop for a bit and I miss everyone madly. I'm going to dive in and catch up on what you've been doing lately.

bighugstoyou!

Olivia said...

Jessie,

I think that you accomplish an incredible amount and have been terrific as an encouragement and support. Your posts are always so beautifully written. I know that you have my support in prioritizing your life and in having good self care and relaxation too. Love and blessings,

Olivia

Bohemian Mom said...

Wow, you have alot on your plate!
I appreciate every visit you make to my blog and I thank you for your support and encouragement through the FW journey.
I am continuously inspired by your words, your creativity and your inspiration.
Even if you don't have the time to visit everyone's blog, do try and keep your own blog postings going....we can go there!
Good luck with your thesis and finding a new pup!

Anonymous said...

oh jessie, you have so much to say and offer this world through your life experiences and your writing...i KNOW you can do this thesis, sweetie. and you will be all-the-more-inspiring mentor when YOU teach creative writing....in the words of anne lamott, just take it bird by bird ;)

~ruby

Mardougrrl said...

Hi sweetie...see the things I learn? I didn't know you built the last house...WOW! I am further in awe.

I love this post for so many reasons...there can be something curiously liberating about discovering our limitations, no? Just admitting that we're not superhuman and resting in what we CAN do. I'm still working on this myself. :)

Hope we can chat soon (in between everything else you are doing!)

Much love...xoxo, M

Riggwelter said...

Thank you so much for the lovely comments you left on my blog. Good luck with week 10.

Loralee Choate said...

ACK! I MISS YOU!!!
(We say that to each other a lot. GRIN.)

I am so frazzled, and I know you are too. I miss the peace and calm of your place when I'm away, though. :(

bella said...

Wow, it's crazy how much I learn about you when I come here.
I like the first comment.. balance. It takes time to find the kind of blance that will fit your life, but with time you will find it.
As for blogs - they take a backseat for me sometimes. I go to the bloglines and keep up with the reading, but I don't get to comment all the time. I try to set a day or a late night to stay up and comment away, play catch up with my friends.
Love and hugs to you!

Melba said...

Jessie,
You are so smart!
You can do Anything you set your mind to.

Sometimes, for me, (and Ethan and Maggie) I set the timer on the microwave. Like...Ok I have 30 minutes while the children seem happy playing I will read and comment on as many blogs as the time allows (sometimes it is one sometimes it is a dozen!). and then when the timer goes off I go onto something else...usually house work.
So of course I miss some posts, but I leave it up to the divine spirit that I will connect with those souls in those 30 mins (or what ever time I set) that I am meant to connect with...it could be (mostly) for my benefit, for theirs, or of course always a bit of both.
This works for me. I don't really experience alot of guilt about blogging.

XO,
Melba

krista said...

hey, don't let yourself feel guilt for not visiting blogs.

they're there when you have time.

they aren't there to inspire guilt.

we cherish your visits when you come to our sites, but we certainly shouldn't expect it, and you don't need to expect of yourself that you can do IT ALL either.

(I am in the same busy boat, and I too, wish I could be a little more promiscuous with my blog surfing/commenting...)

Becoming Amethyst said...

Keep at it Jessie ~ you're uncovering the really big stuff now! hugs xox