There is a part of me that is reluctant to post this photo of myself because there is an element of vulnerability in sharing the unedited versions of oneself. Vinny took it the other night while I was painting. It was late, nearly midnight, and I was tired from working all day and then painting all evening. But despite my worn look, despite the late hour, despite a lot of things, I was feeling very happy in that moment.
These days, my life is very full. Every moment has a purpose--even the "wasted" time I took today to completely empty, clean, and rearrange my office. I justified this unplanned diversion in my schedule by placing it lovingly under a newly established "self-care" category. I am able to further justify this "lost" time by the fact that my drawing desk has been given a new place of honor, a recent painting has been hung for inspiration, and the energy has been cleared for these new endeavors that I am in the process of embracing. Then I painted. I don't mean to rub it in but, my dog (haha! oops, I meant to write "god"), I feel so goooood!
To make matters even better, I am happy to say that, tonight, I received some unexpectedly wonderful feedback from my adviser about my thesis. She used words like "mature writing," "clarity," "brilliance" (for real?!?!?! after so many months (years!) of putting myself through the wringer over that thing!). At this point, I was positive that I had either been entirely forgotten or that my writing was just so horrible that she didn't know where to begin. God, it feels so good to be wrong--on both counts!
This, of course, leads me to the subject of "self confidence." It's 11:30 pm. Do I dare get started on this topic? Well, maybe not. Instead, let me pose just one question: What would you do if you knew, without a doubt, that you would be entirely and absolutely successful at it?
These days, my answer to that question comes easily. I would paint these beautiful animals that have found their way into my life. Earlier today I was standing at the sink doing dishes and the thought "what would you do if you could do anything?" went through my mind. And I smiled--because I quickly realized that I would be doing exactly this. Even more than a trip to France? Yes. Even more than a trip to India? (well, this is a tough one, but...) Yes. Even more than any anything at all? Yes, yes, yes.
These days I feel so blessed. Every day I am being given little signs from the Universe letting me know that I'm headed in the right direction. Every day something happens that authenticates my hopes, validates my dreams. It is truly, absolutely, and downright weird. And I am accepting every single second of it.
Tired or not, these days I often find myself stopping to smile and incredulously wonder: "Is this for real?" I mean, pain is easy to believe. But this happiness I feel, this sense of satisfaction...this is so much more than I ever hoped for. I mean, this must be what abundance feels like. These days my vocabulary has grown to include a steady peppering of words like GRATITUDE, ABUNDANCE, PLEASURE, SATISFACTION, HAPPINESS. And I don't mean to be cheesy, but I can't help but look for ways to share it with you. I mean, really, I'm experiencing much more than 1 person can handle!