Sunday, February 17, 2008

me and my friend, Chester.

There is a part of me that is reluctant to post this photo of myself because there is an element of vulnerability in sharing the unedited versions of oneself. Vinny took it the other night while I was painting. It was late, nearly midnight, and I was tired from working all day and then painting all evening. But despite my worn look, despite the late hour, despite a lot of things, I was feeling very happy in that moment.

These days, my life is very full. Every moment has a purpose--even the "wasted" time I took today to completely empty, clean, and rearrange my office. I justified this unplanned diversion in my schedule by placing it lovingly under a newly established "self-care" category. I am able to further justify this "lost" time by the fact that my drawing desk has been given a new place of honor, a recent painting has been hung for inspiration, and the energy has been cleared for these new endeavors that I am in the process of embracing. Then I painted. I don't mean to rub it in but, my dog (haha! oops, I meant to write "god"), I feel so goooood!

To make matters even better, I am happy to say that, tonight, I received some unexpectedly wonderful feedback from my adviser about my thesis. She used words like "mature writing," "clarity," "brilliance" (for real?!?!?! after so many months (years!) of putting myself through the wringer over that thing!). At this point, I was positive that I had either been entirely forgotten or that my writing was just so horrible that she didn't know where to begin. God, it feels so good to be wrong--on both counts!

This, of course, leads me to the subject of "self confidence." It's 11:30 pm. Do I dare get started on this topic? Well, maybe not. Instead, let me pose just one question: What would you do if you knew, without a doubt, that you would be entirely and absolutely successful at it?

These days, my answer to that question comes easily. I would paint these beautiful animals that have found their way into my life. Earlier today I was standing at the sink doing dishes and the thought "what would you do if you could do anything?" went through my mind. And I smiled--because I quickly realized that I would be doing exactly this. Even more than a trip to France? Yes. Even more than a trip to India? (well, this is a tough one, but...) Yes. Even more than any anything at all? Yes, yes, yes.

These days I feel so blessed. Every day I am being given little signs from the Universe letting me know that I'm headed in the right direction. Every day something happens that authenticates my hopes, validates my dreams. It is truly, absolutely, and downright weird. And I am accepting every single second of it.

Tired or not, these days I often find myself stopping to smile and incredulously wonder: "Is this for real?" I mean, pain is easy to believe. But this happiness I feel, this sense of satisfaction...this is so much more than I ever hoped for. I mean, this must be what abundance feels like. These days my vocabulary has grown to include a steady peppering of words like GRATITUDE, ABUNDANCE, PLEASURE, SATISFACTION, HAPPINESS. And I don't mean to be cheesy, but I can't help but look for ways to share it with you. I mean, really, I'm experiencing much more than 1 person can handle!

19 comments:

I AM said...

I love this. Not only because I get to see beautiful you, but I love seeing you, next to this painting for a sense of perspective. Oh my, it is gorgeous and SO big!!!

I hope that you are aiming for a show some where. To see your artwork hanging all together, in one room, in a studio or shoppe or coffeehouse, wow, wow, wow.

You're glowing, and I'm glowing here, for you. Yay you.

Jessie said...

Thank you, dear Tanaya, for your very sweet words. And, yes, I am having a show in two short weeks. It is keeping me very focused, to say the least! :)

The Dream said...

Painting at midnight, validation of your writing talent, Vinny being an awesomely supportive dude, your attitude of gratitude - 'your TRUE colors are shining through' Jessie! You look so content, beautiful, confident, and H A P P Y!

nonizamboni said...

This is such an honest and encouraging post! I'm happy for you--this is what living is all about, I'm pretty sure. And your happiness did certainly show in the photo.
Great painting too.
Thanks for sharing, even if it was late!

kj said...

jessie, you are having a show?! that is just great.

this shot of you and chester will keep me smiling all day. first off, the painting is fantastic. you've captured the spirit and detail of this dog completely. and then, you've captured the spirit and detail of yourself completely!!

time to be an artist in life, jessie. honest to god. i am invoking my authority as a professional counselor to tell you your time has come.

and your unlikely friend in new england, born from a blog, is just delighted about it all.

:)

swampgirl said...

girl, you are juicy and gorgeous, unedited and all. who else but vinnie could show us this about you.

it is sooo wonderful to hear about all of the things that are coming into place for you. i get excited sitting in front of my computer here in New Jersey, and I imagine that I can give you a big hug.

the best part is that you you you made it happen!

Melba said...

Sooo wonderful to see your face!
XO,
melba

Anonymous said...

oh jessie, my heart is so full reading this...your artwork is so beautiful and you already know how i feel about your writing; i am so glad that the universe is validating what i already know to be true...

you are so thoughtful and introspective and compassionate and all of those traits come through in your creativity -- that is not an easy thing to convey and speaks to your talent.

big hugs...
ruby

Mardougrrl said...

You stinker! Why didn't you say any of this last night? As soon as I got off the phone, I thought "I wonder if she's gotten thesis feedback yet" but I needed to put A down....ANYway...

I am BEYOND thrilled for you! Oh, Jessie...this is just SOOO wonderful. I actually feel a little weepy about it. It's so wonderful to see good things happen to someone SO wonderful.

:-D

Tori said...

Beautiful Jessie. You are truly glowing and your art and spirit are amazing. Thank you thank you for sharing this moment with us.

Annie said...

Keep doing what you are doing, cause you are doing great!

Olivia said...

Jessie you are so beautiful! And you are on your true heart's path! What more could one ask for---NOTHING! I'm feeling YOUR feeling abundance and loving it. It inspires me to feel it first-hand as well...it is there if I will let it in. Much love, O

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Sharon said...

Jessie, you AND your painting are so beautiful! I am so awed by your ability to capture the dog's personality! I think you have found your special place in the art world.

And congrats on the good word on your thesis!

madelyn said...

Jessie ~ you are just glowing
so much in your posts and in
that photo which emits such
peace and happiness...

your question ...well
i know what i would
do or try again in my life ...but
....well ....you have brought
much up here within me...

hmmmmmmmm....

I love the fact that you were
painting at night ~ it is a whole
pondering for me when you are
so emersed in the love of someting
or someone ~ that time
no longer exists ~
or a different idea of time
replaces clock time which
is just a beautiful magic

love you sweetie:)

it makes me happy to see you
so happy:)

GreenishLady said...

It is so lovely to see you - YOU - and to see you at your work. Wonderful! As to your final paragraph, all I can think is this is the result of your being brave. You stepped out, and now you are getting what was waiting there for you. It gives me goosebumps! Yay!

caroline : my pocket said...

I agree with Maddie, you do look radiant and happy, a beautiful picture of you doing what you love. The painting is going marvellously too, I was glad to get a sneak peek :).

And oh, you inspire me every time I come, I get so excited about your life changing in the direction it is going, abundance and meaningfulness. So happy for you! x

Joy Eliz said...

Look how beautiful and WHOLE you are!
Your paintings are absolutely amazing - just gorgeous!

Every time I come to your page there is such a strong positive vibe that radiates from my PC screen.
I KNOW you will make it - All of your hearts desires will be fulfilled - it's just a fact.

Hugs!

kikipotamus said...

Your cup runneth over! You gave this to yourself. It's very inspiring to me. You really made me stop and ask what would I attempt if I knew I could not fail? Thank you. PS you're beautiful, you don't have to feel vulnerable in front of the lens at any time of day, posed or impromptu.