Friday, November 16, 2007

tapped out.

Tonight I am feeling unbelievably tapped out. Actually, I've been feeling that way for the last couple days, but tonight I seem to have hit the bottom of the barrel. For the life of me, I cannot seem to just give myself an utterly guilt-free break. After all, I have things to do. But I always have things to do. When did I learn to think that the only time I am worth anything is when I'm accomplishing something? Well, I suppose that's a dumb question, isn't it. Like most of us, I learned it while growing up and watching the people around me. I remember, at one point in my life, feeling pleased with myself for having escaped the many disfunctions of my family. Turns out, I was just late to blossom.

The other day I worked outside bundling white pine, cedar, and juniper boughs while the sky snowed, snowed, snowed and blew cold wind. The stone Buddha sat quietly, serene--his eyes closed yet somehow watching me as my heart was bursting into a thousand snowflakes. Underneath all of these conflicting emotions (rage, hope, despair, gratitude), there is a sense of peace. Right now, however, it feels ever-so-frustratingly just out of reach.

Maybe it's only hormonal, but I feel like I'm about ready to crumble.

9 comments:

Leah said...

love and hugs to you sweetie. it's all ebb and flow. take some time to take care of yourself and be a sweet caretaker and you'll be feeling better in no time. xoxox

Olivia said...

I'm so sorry, Jessie, dear. One word to you---REST---as in sleep, and relax. Who says we have to be productive when our TO DO list is long? I am the exact same way so I'm speaking from experience!

Sleep tight and don't let the bedbugs bite,

Much Love to You,

O

deirdre said...

Here, hold my hand, it might help while you steady yourself.

I hope you'll get some rest this weekend.

Melba said...

I KNOW!
We must be on the same cycle ;)

I am always a million emotions at once. and what's with the guilt about doing nothing? Often I kind of think Sean is lazy. But really he just knows how and when to relax. He can actually do ONE THING at a time. Me...if I am watching TV I am also making a wire symbol or folding laundry. If I am talking on the phone I am sweeping and dusting. I don't know how to justBe most of the time. I have to schedule it in and REMIND myself NOT to feel guilty.

Deep breath!
XO,
Melba

Anonymous said...

oh jessie...

(((hug)))

~ruby

The Dream said...

Jessie,
My family took "work hard, play hard" to a pretty demented level. I actually enjoyed this for a long time. I felt as though I had to be doing something constructive every single moment. All that did was completely wear me out. I agree with Olivia - just REST.

Sharon said...

"When did I learn to think that the only time I am worth anything is when I'm accomplishing something?"

Oh, dear, this is EXACTLY how I feel most of the time!!! My husband and son tell me, "Relax, take some time for yourself!" But if I do, I feel guilty!!!

I don't know where we learn these things...I've always been an overachiever, multi-tasker, do it faster, better, more often, etc. etc....

We need to learn to take care of ourselves FIRST or else we won't be good for anything or anybody...
Let's make a pact to TRY, ok????

Kikipotamus said...

Even the trees know when to rest. It's okay to go into dormant restorative mode in order to let those batteries recharge. In fact, to ignore your body and psyche's cry for rest is to invite illness. I hope you are able to put the guilt on a shelf--at least for a while--and treat yourself to the rest and self-care you need.

Maddie said...

I was like this for the entire week
Jessie ~ all weepy and frustrated and
exhausted with no creative spirit at all ~ so one day after my
language class (just one but still Yay!) I went to bed for 4 hours
~
so get some rest and cuddle with
your pups:)

oh

and Vinny too:)