I sort of feel like just sitting down in a heap and crying because I'm sick of every last detail in my life revolving around this THING that I am not accomplishing. I look out the window and see our shiny black automobile glowing in the light of the street lamp and it restores a little of my happiness. But then I get cranky again because I know that I won't really get to drive it much anyway. I work and then I feel like I should be at home trying to write. I can't tell you how much I crave freedom in my life right now. Even just a little.
But this is why I'm glad we finally got another car. Despite my frustrations in not getting any work done today, this car is what will afford me certain freedoms that I have not had in way too long...like TIME ALONE. Working more has made me realize just how important it is that I have some breathing space--even if only an hour here or there. I want to be able to do something on my own schedule and I don't want to have to explain when, where, and why in order to do it.
Really, when it comes down to it, I think I might just be a little bit mad at myself for ruining what could have been a good day. Vinny is happy that he found a car that he likes. I am happy that we are in complete agreement. I am also happy that I can actually go somewhere without having to spend half of the day walking, riding my bike, or taking the bus to do so.
It's just that I'm starting to think that my thesis is never going to get done and it is beginning to drain the joy out of everything!
Complaints aside, there is a deep part of me that is amazed by the things that have come about through the Finding Water experience. You see, 12 weeks ago I started thinking about the way I wanted my life to be. I started making lists and writing out my desires. Then I started putting my energy into materializing those things. And in the last 3 months I have:
- started making more money (through an altered work situation).
- got a puppy (the one I have been waiting two years for!).
- got a car (something we've wanted but have been inconveniently living without for the past year).
At this point, what's one more lost day? This "not producing" is wearing me thin and brittle. So here's the deal: Tomorrow I'm going to take my big dog and my little dog for a ride in our shiny new ride before work. I'll open the sunroof and the windows and I'm going to just drive and drive and breath deep. And right now? Despite the late hour, I'm going to stay up and work on my thesis. The day is not completely lost yet. There are enough things in my life right now to make me happy. I am tired of my thesis getting in the way.