Wednesday, July 19, 2006

no title.

lately i find myself feeling like i have no family. sure, i had one...but after my parents' divorce 2 years ago (after 33 years of marriage)...well, it just sort of fell apart. this is something that i don't normally blog about, but tonight my thoughts seemed to have pooled in my fingertips. we were never perfect-- very far from. but we were semi- solid (even in our fucked-up-ness). my family, now, is hodge-podge at best. it's flimsy, fragile, bordering on truly non-existent. it can't be counted on like it used to. actually, it counts for just about nothing. i have my husband, my brother and sister, and sometimes my mom (they count for a lot)...but, other than that...

fuck. what is it about losing family that makes one feel like one doesn't quite exist? it is the sort of thing that i just can't seem to wrap my head around or, for that matter, walk away from--no matter how badly i wish i could. it's one of those things that makes me feel worse than i care to admit...because it makes me feel like nothing. dispensable. like none of it was ever real to begin with.

tonight the sky looked like doves taking flight.


i, on the other hand, feel like i am sinking.

8 comments:

bee said...

oh, jessie.

i can relate to this post so much, and much like you were saying over at lynn's blog, sometimes it's hard to figure out the right words to make someone feel even just a little better. but the feelings are all there.

i hope that you have a good day.
((hugs))

Aspen said...

I've lost my family in a different way. All my grandparents have passed away and the grandparents of my family (like most I would imagine) are the glue that keeps everyone together - they were the reason we got together year after year.

I know my cousins keep in touch with each other, but with themselves not me. Which leaves just my Mom, Dad, and I. That's it. It makes me feel so lonely - and so afraid that something will happen to my parents. They are my world - no husband, no kids, etc...

I'm not as much as I once was, because family has always been so much a part of me. Now there are fewer of them around me... if that makes sense.

I dunno... I guess what I'm saying is I can relate with your feelings - in my own way. And sinking is a very good way to describe how it makes me feel.

Elizabeth said...

Dear Jessie...maybe not having a family you can count on will bring you closer to a family that you can.

Wish i was there to take you out for a glass of wine and friendship...

Your photo is stunning.

a dyke... said...

Thanks for the photo ...

I'm in this almost exact same spot.

Kristine said...

I understand the lonely feelings. I get that feeling when I watch my husband talk about traditions and family resemblances. Death and long distance left me with nothing but my mom and brother when I was a kid. Many of the people I call family are of no blood relation at all. With that in mind, I have learned that sometimes you simply have to make your own family from the close relationships you form with others.
I wish I lived closer so we could sip coffee and color and share secrets that bring friends closer. Hang in there.

Jessie said...

Hey you guys...I just wanted to say thank you for your heart-felt comments. They mean a lot to me and make me feel a lot less alone. Life makes many unexpected transitions. I found myself wanting to give each one of you a hug and, with that, the pain and frustration of the situation was eased immensely.

Thank you.

paris parfait said...

Jessie, so sorry to hear what you've been going through. Families are complicated and some wounds never really heal. Sometimes our best family turns out to be our friends! Gorgeous photo. Hoping you're feeling better by the time you read this. xo Tara

kj said...

jessie, my family is smaller than the one you have, but we are definately a family. maybe you all could huddle together and redefine.

kj