My brain feels scattered. I drank too much coffee and I feel nervous. I accidentally went to work 2 hours early because I was thinking of next week's schedule. Anu got attacked by a raccoon in the back yard last night and got bit on the nose several times. She isn't current on her rabies shots because she wasn't feeling well a few weeks ago when we brought her to the vet. She seems fine, a little rattled, but fine. Still, I'm worried. Louie is oblivious to everything and is asleep at my feet. He's just happy that I came back home so unexpectedly.
I'm also nervous that my hours are going to be cut at the garden shop now that the busy season is coming to an end. Maybe they won't--but, like I said, I drank too much coffee and I'm nervous...about everything. I paid my bills this morning and that always makes me nervous. One thing that I am learning about myself is that I am fearful of money. I am afraid of not having enough. I'm afraid of having too much. Money makes me feel disoriented. Yet, these days, I feel the need to think about it and to find ways to improve not only my relationship with money, but to find new ways of bringing it into my life in a healthy way--through endeavors that make me happy. I'm only writing because it feels good to write. It's therapeutic. It calms me. Maybe it's not the coffee...maybe it is a lot of things.
Really, what it comes down to is that I need to take a few deep breathes and return to center. There are incredible opportunities opening up for me, but in order for them to materialize I need to believe in myself--truly believe. Not only do I need to believe in myself, I need to start taking action.
I read a post today by Jamie about "leaning into it." And that's what I need to do. I need to devise a plan of attack and then I need to just lean into it and see where it takes me. I have a vision....and it is very specific. The only thing I am not sure of is how I will get there. These days, I feel like I am working on a very deep level. It is hard to explain. I am shifting molecules within myself, within the universe. It requires a lot of periphery thinking. It requires a lot of oxygen and sunlight, journaling and art making.
I attempt to move confidently forward with my heart wide open. It is scary and thrilling all at the same time. I feel vulnerable to the elements of life--yet I am focused on perseverance. This feeling...it reminds me of biking day after day cross-country against winds so high that, at times, it was difficult to stay upright. I focused on the road just beyond my front tire and, in this way, moved forward, a thousand miles. It reminds me of the day I crossed Thorung La Pass high in the the Himalayas--step by step, one foot in front of the other. It was a slow ascent, but with each step I felt myself travel deeper towards my center.
These days I am climbing another kind of mountain; I'm crossing another kind of country. Giving up is not part of the repertoire, but moving forward requires a great deal of postive focus...not to mention, large doses of faith.