Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Trying to write about it, well, that just makes me incredibly sleepy. I wish I could capture, in words, the thoughts that sift through my head. But they are like water. Transluscent and evading capture. They become black muddles on paper... if even that.
Meanwhile, my little black Mexican cat, Viscosa, meows and nibbles at my toes wanting onto my lap to be pet and whispered to. Yes, she is my little Mexico. She makes me sleepy too.
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Monday, September 26, 2005
Sunday, September 25, 2005
Saturday, September 24, 2005
on the 267th day of 2005 the sun rose at 7:08am. it was hidden behind rain clouds, but i was sleeping anyway.
V. and I are now the proud tenants of a little house with a fenced in yard and nice neighbors. It still sits empty, and will until our house closes in October. Until then, the transition can be made slowly. I am relieved to know where we'll be living next. And maybe this sleepiness has a little to do with the sense of relaxation that washed over me as I walked out of the front door of our new home with a new key added to my key-ring.
Having an obsession with color, this morning, I found myself browsing through paint-chips at the local paint shop. I could sit here all week looking at these little squares of color. Really--I'm obsessed.
This morning I woke up crying from a dream I had about my old dog, Abe. I can't remember the dream. But I remember missing him, because I feel it now. Like I feel it everyday. The only thing our new place is missing, really, is him.
Friday, September 23, 2005
I feel the need to make a list of things to do this weekend.
- Read thesis proposals/artist statements in hopes of coming up with one of my own.
- Plan class for next week.
- Work @ the gallery.
- Finish another painting.
- Look at graduate schools... try to find some direction for my future (hahaha). Take notes on what I find.
- Repot dying plant.
- Clean house.
- Mow lawn.
- Write a piece for class.
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Saturday, September 17, 2005
Friday, September 16, 2005
Yesterday I asked V. to come to the studio to critque my latest painting. It is an abstract landscape. I wasn't sure if it was finished until I explained to him what it was about. Explaining it, I burst into tears...and that's when I knew it was complete, that I had expressed what needed expressing.
This series of paintings that I'm working on--they are about color, but also about emotion. They are about the communication of emotion through color. During the process of conceptualizing this project I began to notice how deeply the landscape is connected to my sense of being. I am perpetually amazed by the way nature combines color, the way those colors are effected by light, and in turn the way it effects me. The night that Abe died I remember, vividly, the colors of that night. The dark sky, the grass, the dew. I remember just as vividly the colors a day, a week, a month later. My world, these past months, has been filled with both death and loss. But, at odd moments, it also becomes filled with hope.
When I began I thought that, for the first time, my work might become truly dark. I was willing to let it if it needed to be. But the light keeps sneaking in. Deep yellows, rich blues, vibrant greens. I also thought I would paint pure abstractions... but my inspiration for using colors keeps coming from the same source over and over-- the landscape, the sky. And every time I notice it, everyday, it takes my breath away. I clear another corner of my brain to make room to remember it, attempting to hold onto it just long enough for it to reach the canvas-- those colors, holding emotion--emotion that I cannot seem to write about, but that I still search for ways to express.
This open space...
...It is like breathe...
...found in combinations of color...
And although I am still searching for words--
the bare canvas awaits...
Thursday, September 15, 2005
oooh yeah, ain't she sweeeet...
I feel so sexxxy in my new mini van! I think I'll fill it up with babies.
uh-em... and there she is! baby #1 is making herself at home.
... ain't she sexxxy too!
yeah... we love our new mini van. (god help us). i feel so cool i can hardly stand it. oooh yeah...chic-a-chic-a-boom-boom!
- Mark Twain published his first short story, "Jim Smiley and His Jumping Frog."
- Danish novelist Hans Christian Andersen published his book of fairy tales.
- Nat Turner led a slave rebellion.
- U.S. mariner Moses Rogers made the first ocean steamboat voyage.
- Donald Trump persuaded bankers to lend him $80 million so he could buy the Commodore Hotel.
- Samuel Morse's assistant, Alfred Lewis Vail, devised Morse code.
- Physicist Armand H. L. Fizeau measured the speed of light.
- Dr. Narinder Kapany invented fiber optics and designed a glass gastroscope which can be snaked down the throat for a detailed view of the stomach.
- Hank Williams overdosed on drugs and alcohol.
- Bill Gates was the first person ever to become a billionaire by age 30.
- Earl Vickers started the Dollar Project, in which dollar bills were rubber-stamped as being lost, with a reward offered for their safe return.
I find myself most interested in Mark Twain, Hans Christian Andersen, and Hank Williams.
Maybe there's still hope afterall.
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
I like girl #1. I want her to live here. And I hope she knows that. But when it comes down to it, V. and I are in a bind. We need something to happen sooner than later. We need to sell. The sad part is that this selling of a house is a very impersonal thing. I want to give girl #1 a call and wish her luck and hope she hears the sincerity in my voice. As for couple #2... well, I just want whoever lives here next to be happy-- happy in love, happy in life. All of it. I want these walls to continue to be filled with love.
As for the rental, it looks like we're in competition with another group.
And so now something is happening...what is the question. I just want to know two things: 1) when is this going to happen? and 2) where will we be when it does??
oh, the world feels big and uncertain. One day, when I was walking down the driveway with girl #1, she looked at me and said, "It must be amazing not knowing where you're going next, knowing that you have so many options, so much freedom." She's right. But damn, it's scary.
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
But I also feel like seeing my husband, at least briefly, before I go. And I feel like sleeping more. Or drinking coffee. Mostly I just want to go to the studio so I can listen to music. For some reason, the night time acoustics are especially nice in there. Maybe it's the streetlights, the age of the building, or the fact that I'm there alone. I don't know.
But it's calling me.
...like what comes out of my mouth sounds too harsh.
...brittle on the edges.
...like I'm not "a writer."
...like I don't know what I'm doing.
...like I'm too hard on myself.
...like going for a walk, but it's cold, wet, and raining.
...like drinking hot chocolate.
...like giving up.
...like starting over.
Maybe I need more vitamin B complex.
Monday, September 12, 2005
Time moves quickly and steals the seasons. I want to paint outdoors because neither memory or photos can capture those subtle nuances of color. Perhaps I'll dedicate this week to words and paint--the merging of two projects. I'll load up the car and leave (no worry, I'll return for classes). I have nothing to lose. Except yes, I have everything to lose. Life needs to start somewhere.
Sunday, September 11, 2005
There was a week's worth of New York Times to look through while I waited for coffee, but it was that image that I kept returning to. I looked around for someone to show it to so I could say something like: "Can you imagine?!?." But really I didn't have words, only a welling of emotion for that woman and her dog... and all the women and their dogs...and for my dog. Because even the thought of leaving my own is enough to reduce me to tears.
I've been carrying that image around inside of me since. Day 12 (Saturday), the New York Times included images of dogs being rescued from New Orleans and being sent to Baton Rouge for treatment where they will also, hopefully, be reunited with their owners.
Today, while looking for more information on Cheryl Cook, I found that her story, in a way, has had a happy ending.
photo posted on www.post-gazette.com
Mona Reeder, The Dallas Morning News via AP
"Despite orders to vacate the city, Cheryl Cook says she won't leave her
I wouldn't have left either.
Thursday, September 08, 2005
Ok, so some of you have no idea what I'm talking about. Tonight I looked at a rental. It would be perfect for Anu, perfect for us. A 6 foot high fenced in yard, a slab for the kennel, a garage, 2 extra writing rooms (perfect), hardwood floors, sunlight, good neighbors.
I'm a centimeter away from begging. Begging who? For what? I don't know. Just PLLLLEEEASSSE! Let life go on.
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
the best part was giving up to snuggle and wrestle with wolfie on the porch. she brings me happiness. i wish i had a whole kennel full of happiness.
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Monday, September 05, 2005
Sunday, September 04, 2005
Saturday, September 03, 2005
Thursday, September 01, 2005
It feels mean sending them out into the woods without guiding them to each perfect, secret spot. But I guess I need to remember-- these are her discoveries now.